My Present To Santa This Christmas! Poem

No No No! What he looks like without a drink.
No No No! What he looks like without a drink. | Source
Ho Ho Hooooo! What he looks like with a drink!
Ho Ho Hooooo! What he looks like with a drink! | Source

When Santa came down the chimney

All he'd hoped for was a plate of mince pies

But I stood there in my bikini

Hoping to give him a great big surprise.

-

You should have seen his face when he saw me,

All he did was stand and stare

Then slowly his legs went all wobbly

As he took in my body all bare.



-

He said, Lady dont'cha think its a bit risky?

Doin' that right by the front door?

For us to get a bit frisky?

I said, Take your suit off and lay on the floor.

-

Well, it went like it does,

And talk about fuss,

When his beard kept on ticklin' my bits

I said, Take that thing off your chin,

Else it goes in the bin,

Its itching my flippin' great...zits! (Well, what did you think I was going to say?!!)


So, he did as he was told,

Til we started to get cold,

And the sun had come up in the sky

Then, I said, right now go

Cos its started to snow,

Be gone now, it's time to say goodbye.

-

He smiled just a bit, and juggled my zit!

Til the grin on his face told me more

He said, well now, we'll see

Shall I come back at three?

And carry on as before.


-

But, smiling sadly, in fact rather gladly,

I said, no its over, go home.

He started to ask, was I up to the task?

No, I said, next time send one of your gnomes.

-

So the moral of this tale If you really must know

Is to drink Egg Nog and not Vodka Snow,

So when a jolly fat man, with a costume so red,

Falls straight down your chimney,

JUST GO BACK TO BED!


HAPPY CHRISTMAS!

And watch out for that man in the red suit! Dodgy character!




Copyright Nell Rose

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Comments 49 comments

Just Ask Susan profile image

Just Ask Susan 4 years ago from Ontario, Canada

LOL Just what a needed...Thanks for the laughs.

Merry Christmas!


lilyfly profile image

lilyfly 4 years ago from Wasilla, Alaska

Oh, Nell! Your my hero! haha! love yaz, and Happy Christmas! lily


christopheranton profile image

christopheranton 4 years ago from Gillingham Kent. United Kingdom

Thank God for central heating. (No more chimnies).

Have a great Christmas Nell.


poetvix profile image

poetvix 4 years ago from Gone from Texas but still in the south. Surrounded by God's country.

This is the best laugh I have had in a long time. Thank you! Oh, and I must say that one young Santa looks totally hot in a major way. Merry Christmas!


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi, Susan, don't forget, Santa will look like the second photo when you drink too much vodka! ha ha! thanks for reading, cheers nell

Hi, lily, have a great Christmas! and thanks as always, nell

Hi, Christopher! lol! he may climb in the window! thanks again, and have a great Christmas!

Hi, poet, he can get into my Christmas stocking anytime! lol! thanks and have a great Holiday, and new year!


rorshak sobchak 4 years ago

I was not expecting to see that naked santa at the end. Lol.


JenJen0703 profile image

JenJen0703 4 years ago from Cereal City U.S.A.

That was crazy! lol


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi, rorshak, not something you see every day! lol! thanks for reading, cheers nell

Hi, Jen, lol! glad you liked it, and thanks!


Jackie Lynnley profile image

Jackie Lynnley 4 years ago from The Beautiful South

Oh, no...glad dinner is over! lol

But thanks for the smiles!


Cardisa profile image

Cardisa 4 years ago from Jamaica

I agree with you 100%! lol lol lol


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi, Jackie, lol! sorry for the shock photo! couldn't help it! ha ha! have a great Christmas!

Hi, Cardisa, lol! I knew you would like it! watch out for that man in a Santa suit!


Kiela Starcatcher profile image

Kiela Starcatcher 4 years ago from Chicago, IL

Hella funny one, Nell! (^_^)

Rated up for the best pics on hubpages!!! (Too bad that last one reminds me of Dumbledore - ROFL)


DzyMsLizzy profile image

DzyMsLizzy 4 years ago from Oakley, CA

ROFLMAOPMP!! That was a perfect end for a frustrating day!


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi, Kiela, Dumbledore! LOL! that's so funny! thanks for reading, I couldn't resist that last picture! who could?

Hi, DzyM, what more could a girl want? LOL! thanks!


Nan Mynatt 4 years ago

I like your prose about Santa, and the picture was too much. I laughed and laughed, he won't have to worry about women chasing him. He is too fat and out of it. Good picture.


Movie Master profile image

Movie Master 4 years ago from United Kingdom

Wonderful Nell, thanks for the laughs:-)


tlpoague profile image

tlpoague 4 years ago from USA

This was OUTRAGIOUS! I laughed so hard, I was snorting! I couldn't help but pass it around. Merry Christmas, Nell, I hope you find a Santa like photo number two, under your tree this year. Voted up!


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi, Nan, lol! glad you liked it, it just goes to show the virtues of not drinking this Christmas! thanks again nell


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi, tipoague, lol! I wish I could find one like photo two, any idea where I can get in contact with him? south pole or north? ha ha! thanks for reading, and I am glad it made you laugh!


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi, Movie, nothiing like a good laugh at Christmas! lol! thanks!

And everybody have a Great Christmas!


Alastar Packer profile image

Alastar Packer 4 years ago from North Carolina

Nell I'm still laughing! Your poem is evil wicked lady and what in heck does "ticklin my bits" mean? I Saw Momma Kissing Santa Clause never had it so good! Merry Christmas Nell!!


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi, Alastar, my bits? well, my nose, and my toes! lol! what did you think I meant? ha ha! Momma kissing Santa was a little bit old fashioned for me, so I thought I would liven it up a little! Have a great Christmas, and New Year! thanks Nell


Alastar Packer profile image

Alastar Packer 4 years ago from North Carolina

You livened it up alright. Nose and toes eh, okay, if you say so..LOL! Thanks again for the delightful naughty-funny poem Nell.


bethperry profile image

bethperry 4 years ago from Tennesee

LOL Nell! You gave me a welcome laugh for Winter Solstice, thank you!


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi, Alastar, well I couldn't really write the real meaning could I? lol! oops! thanks and I am glad you liked it, cheers nell

Hi, beth, couldn't help it, the words popped into my head and I thought, better write them down quick! just goes to show how my mind works! lol! glad you had a laugh, cheers nell


WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 4 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

Naughty Nell?

Who knew?!!


akirchner profile image

akirchner 4 years ago from Central Oregon

Thanks for the chuckle, Nellie - and I believe that is Bob in the last photo posing in his ah...birthday Santa suit~~

Delightful bit of glee for December 22nd - laughing and laughing and now have dribbled coffee on meself~

Happiest of Holidays!!


mary615 profile image

mary615 4 years ago from Florida

This one is priceless! I'm still laughing! When I first began to read, I thought, oh no, I'm not liking this. But, of course at the end, I'm cracking up. Voted you UP, funny, etc.


WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 4 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

Up and very funny, Nell!


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi, Will, sorry your first comment never showed for a while, thanks for coming back, glad you liked it, couldn't resist! I was stood at my kitchen sink humming away to myself and started singing this little song, and it turned into a poem! lol! have a great Christmas!


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi, Audrey, lol! now I have a picture of Bob in my head! thanks for that! ha ha! couldn't resist this, it just popped into my head and I thought, well why not? have a Great Christmas, and New Year! thanks!


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi, mary, lol! don't worry I would never be rude, well only a little bit! glad you found it funny, and thanks! have a great Christmas!


prasetio30 profile image

prasetio30 4 years ago from malang-indonesia

I can't stop for laugh. You make Christmas more colorful. Dear friend, before the holly Santa Claus knock at your door, please allow me to be the first person to wish you “A MERRY CHRISTMAS & HAPPY NEW YEAR” GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.

Prasetio


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi, pras thanks so much! I am glad you found it funny! thought I would bring a smile to peoples faces, thanks! and have a great Christmas or Holiday! Nell


mljdgulley354 profile image

mljdgulley354 4 years ago

Oh dear how did I miss this. It made me laugh all the way through. Christmas Day had the good food family all gone and here is this cute poem. Thank you so much I loved it.


Coolmon2009 profile image

Coolmon2009 4 years ago from Texas, USA

Thanks for making me smile. The naked Santa at the end is a bit surprising. Enjoyed reading your poem :)


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi, mljd, Christmas went by so quickly, mind you after I ate all that food I just wanted to sleep! lol! thanks for reading, cheers nell


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi, Coolmon, thanks for reading, sorry about the picture! lol!


Eiddwen profile image

Eiddwen 4 years ago from Wales

Oh Nell thanks for this one, it's hilarious and I loved it.

I hope you had a great Christmas and are ready for this brand New Year ahead.

Take care my friend.

Eddy.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi,Eddy, lol! glad you liked it, I just got the song in my head and turned it into a poem! have a good New Year, and take care, nell


stricktlydating profile image

stricktlydating 4 years ago from Australia

That's hilarious! Best Santa story I've heard as an adult!


Pollyannalana profile image

Pollyannalana 4 years ago from US

Hey Nell I heard the news on that young girl killed there.

Just a few minutes ago a TV headline. They are not going to question the royal family. I heard one report said Diana was born there....? Still let me know if you here more, was just chance I caught this. Thanks!


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi, stricktlydating, Ha Ha! thanks, glad you liked it, cheers nell

Hi, Polly, sorry its taken me ages to get back, but my son 'stole' my pc for two days! pain in the butt! lol! I'll let you know if I hear anything else, cheers nell


savanahl profile image

savanahl 4 years ago

I don't usually like funny poems but this one is great! Gave me a great laugh. Thanks for sharing.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi, savanahl, thanks, it just popped into my head when I was washing up! lol!


alocsin profile image

alocsin 4 years ago from Orange County, CA

Sorry I missed this fun tribute to Santa last Christmas. Love the pictures and the effect of alcohol. Voting this Up and Funny. SHARED.


suzettenaples profile image

suzettenaples 4 years ago from Taos, NM

Oh Nell this is hilarious. Just like Christmas in July! I missed this last Christmas also. You have the most wonderful imagination and photo stock. Then again, . . . Have a good one!


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi, alocsin, haha! you know what they say about alcohol! thanks as always, nell


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England Author

Hi, suzette, thanks for reading, what with the weather at the moment it certainly seems like Christmas! haha!

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