What to do when you are no longer You?

This is the world I am living in right now. One where I am in limbo. Maybe some would see it as freedom, other's hell, but I, well I think that it's all a part of my larger journey. In this journey I am blessed to experience, to feel the multitude of emotion and angst that this journey will provide. Yet, I am cautious, maybe a lil dubious, but certainly curious.

I've often thought of writing as a tool, as an activity that brings people some form of clear headed euphoria, a feeling of settled body and soul. I also have thought of it as a hobby that I use when I have time, when I make time, when I believe I need to do it.

Right now I have all the time in the world. My world is chaotic, unscheduled, unsettled, filled with free time and confusion. I am mending, I am re-cooperating. I am searching for the activity, the employment, the passion that I may take on as a new career. I am shaken, and troubled. I fear the newness of a soon to be created path, I fear the departure of the only career I truly loved. I fear I will not love this new path, and I am uncertain that I need a new path. Doctors will tell me what I need to know when the time comes. They will make recommendations and referrals, and scribble on note pads and prescription paper. They will assert their knowledge onto me, they will question my intentions, my certainties, my convictions. Then they will determine for me my reality. That I may never go back to what I do. Which in man speak is "I may never go back to who I am".

Why is it men tie themselves to their work so much that it is not simply something they do, but it is part of them? It is their characteristic, their bourne rite, their place in the world. And once it is challenged, the man is challenged. Not simply "You can do other work", but "You can be a different you". I like who I am, what I have, where I have been, the growth of those around me, the journey I have been very blessed to be a part of. Yet, here I am unable to 'be' me, unable to conceive of a different world, one where I do something different, where I can be someone different, where my once loved job is possibly a memory, where my once connected self becomes disconnected, unentangled with the drama and frustration of human suffering where part of me belongs.

My writing can be now a common every day occurrence, one where I need not fight schedule demands and team meetings, diaper changes and supper making. I can write any time of my day. That too scares me. For if I do not write when I can, when I have opportunity to do so, then am I ever to be the 'writer' I envisioned myself to be? IF I cannot let go of what may be gone already, how can I move toward that which I dream to be?


Comments 8 comments

KittHill 4 years ago

I do not think it is just a 'man' thing. Women go through this, especially after having children. I was me, I could do what I wanted. Then I was them, having to do what they needed. Soon, I will become someone else and sometimes it scares me, sometimes it excites me, and sometimes I am just to tired to worry about it. Change can be what you make it. Believe it will be exciting and new, maybe a little scary, but definitely an experience.


Astra Nomik profile image

Astra Nomik 4 years ago from Edge of Reality and Known Space

What to do when you are no longer you...

Re-discover yourself and find that youth and foolishness ....Just my thoughts on finding oneself. Never feel afraid of the newness of transition. Interesting hub. :)


D.Juris Stetser profile image

D.Juris Stetser 3 years ago from South Dakota

I think we go through so many doors in this life, wife, mother, widow, loss of a grandchild. all of these things are like separate by connected reincarnations or reinventions of ourselves...adjustments to whatever life throws at us, be it good or bad. Flexibility is essential but so difficult. your hub, amazing and poignant, so very human is how you express what you've gone through and new situations - you write beautifully and i look forward to reading more. awesome, beautiful, voting up! dotti


Enigmatic Me profile image

Enigmatic Me 3 years ago from East Coast Canada Author

Thanks dotti! You are right, we do go through many different doors in this lifetime and we can do so blindly if we choose. Some doors we open with conviction, some doors open by themselves, and some doors need a great deal of pulling to open even the slightest. My journey has been one I wonder about. Not that 'if I did it the other way life would be so much better" but "Hmm, if I did that then, who would I be now?". And despite all my mentioning of free time and writing, I still managed only a few lil poems in all of that time off.... maybe my time is better spent when it is scheduled? ;)


Enigmatic Me profile image

Enigmatic Me 3 years ago from East Coast Canada Author

KittHill,

I never thought about that much. I have children and my wife centered herself back in the work world.... to the observer.... fairly well. She is a solid person and knows when to move on, when she feels she is stagnant. She still is Mom when she is home. And thinks about our kids constantly when she is not home, but the juxtaposition between Mom and working mother doesn't appear to be a stumbling block.

I'll always be a Dad no matter what I do, and the work I did I was a life skills facilitator for youth.... so, the Dad in me - even before I was one- would come out from time to time. I've taken on a part time job doing data entry, basically void of human contact... and its tough. And as much as I believe this is a small detour in my journey, I can't but think I will never return to data entry again ;)


Enigmatic Me profile image

Enigmatic Me 3 years ago from East Coast Canada Author

Astra,

Yes the youthful side of me jumped for joy at your suggestion. While the pragmatic side of me gave a stoic eyebrow raising look. I have yet to find the balance for this journey, however, I am curious about the outcome ;)


Jennuhlee profile image

Jennuhlee 3 years ago from Pennsylvania

I think I really needed to read this, I've been feeling this way as well lately and it's a scary thing to go through. Beautiful piece.


Enigmatic Me profile image

Enigmatic Me 3 years ago from East Coast Canada Author

Jennuhlee,

I think its something we face a couple of times in our adulthood. This has been a second "What's coming next?" instance in my life, and the first time I was less grounded, more emotional. This time at least I have some perspective to lean on to get me through it. And I think there are different types of people who see this matter differently. I know half the guys I grew up with would have no problem switching careers and moving on...no thoughts on the process other than they need to update their resume. But I feel I am really connected to the growth of people, and doing other than that simply lacks any draw....I am sooo not enthused or determined about my job right now, to the point that if come Monday they said they needed to let me go I think I would simply just walk away without issue. And I am not usually a laissez faire kind of person... but right now..whatever will be will be.

The thing is, an ending of sorts -with job or relationship, or study, you have to learn a little about yourself in the process...look back at you before that particular era in your life, see the changes that took place, take stock of how you really felt about what you were doing, who you were becoming then re-establish the 'you' you want to be and learn to be less compromising in your desires for a better you. We compromise ourselves for so many reasons and then at some point realize we don't want to compromise anymore. Have your goals and stick to your course... not one that others state you should do, but the one that you know in your heart of hearts you NEED to. ... for you.

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