What's Ailing You?

© B. L. Bierley 2012

Has anyone else noticed that there are new disorders and syndromes that weren’t around five or ten years ago? Fibromyalgia was unheard of when I was growing up. Now you see commercials for treatments on every channel. I’m not disputing that these syndromes or conditions exist. On the contrary, I believe there are a lot more new conditions as yet undiscovered by the medical masses. I, Cathy Writing-Addict, am here to give the world a first glimpse of a few of these new conditions in the hope that my mentioning them here will draw awareness to the problems people are facing everywhere in contemporary society.

This syndrome is very prevalent in today’s younger generations and our teenaged population. It’s alarming at how wide-spread this disorder is, and there doesn’t seem to be any sign of relief. The symptoms of Menow Syndrome include but are not limited to things like frustration, weeping, occasionally destructive outbursts or behavior and finally a strange melancholy that descends when the victim realizes they will not be able to avoid the reality of their circumstances.

Direct correlation can be made to the easy way the world has learned to exist with technological advances. These give a false sense of confidence that all solutions can be reached with no time or effort expended, causing failures and depression in the youth of the world. Sadly, there is no known cure. Although a strong case might be made for therapy that involves showing the young person afflicted with this disorder the actual determination in some of the world’s population to live with less and fewer opportunities and yet maintaining a positive outlook to the world in general.

This is a curious condition that begins to manifest in some as young as 9. More and more children are affected every day. It lurks in the shadows of childhood, waiting for its moment to infect the victim with a sharp tongue and a slightly disrespectful disposition toward its elders. It is a continuous disease that recurs throughout the patient’s lifetime. Some individuals are able to get control of this condition once they become parents of a child about nine or ten. Still, it is a very difficult disorder to combat.

My children are sadly already infected with Acute Sarcasm. Observing them in their day-to-day activities it is easy to trace the source of the disorder. Media, television, parents or older siblings during times of extreme stress and frustration are the “Outbreak Monkeys” of transmission here, folks. And once they’ve exhibited the symptoms, there is no real cure here either. I have found one method of therapy that has proven effective at curbing the expression of the disease. I call it, “Deprivation Therapy”. If I take away things that aggravate the symptoms, (television, iPods, iPads, Nintendo 3DS, etc.) I am able to illicit a strange condition of contrition at least temporarily.

This is a very rare, acute syndrome of which I have personally suffered recently. The syndrome is one that morphs into a specific strain when it is transmitted, though it’s not quite certain exactly how the transmission occurs. A friend of mine was recently afflicted with the Joesinthecar strain of the disease. It would take too long to identify all the strains here, so for now we’ll focus on these two particular versions of the syndrome.

The syndrome affects women more than men, and always when driving a motor vehicle. The symptoms are not limited to those I will mention here, but they are highly related to the act of driving. My symptoms are excessive braking, speeding, excessive distractions that cause deceleration, disorientation within common geographic locations, and the worst part: flagrant outbursts of foul language.

A recent case of Joesinthecar resulted in the woman actually leaving her spouse at a local Wal-Mart. She eventually came back to get him after her symptoms curiously subsided while she was driving without him. A radical group has identified a breakthrough treatment for this syndrome. If the person with the syndrome removes all the stressors during driving, things such as backseat or passengers’ seat drivers, the symptoms are greatly lessened. Another treatment, touted by some as a “cure”, is to allow no passengers in the car who are old enough to drive themselves to their required destination.

I would like to tell anyone under the age of thirty-five who is related to me (You know who you are!) to stop reading now. The rest of you should proceed at your own risk since this last syndrome is a touchy, personal subject for some. For the sake of accidental exposure, I will refer to this syndrome with a euphemism to avoid damaging the sensitive members of my blogging community.

Saxophone Syndrome is a delicate condition that causes major issues in one or both members in a relationship. It strikes individuals of all ages, but it is decidedly worse in older generations. I will even go so far as to admit in polite company that Cap and I have often struggled to overcome this syndrome. As we move through our daily routines, often we have extreme fatigue—a key cause of Saxophone Syndrome. The symptoms of Saxophone Syndrome are that those who suffer from it don’t play the Saxophone. Not even a solo concert.

When Cap and I were newlyweds, we found time to play the saxophone often and with gusto. We were so devoted to the art we often managed to get around to our saxophone playing more than once a day! But through the years it has become more and more difficult to find the time or the energy to play with any regularity. Still, we make the concerted effort, so to speak, to get at least one good session in a week. Our unfortunate schedule stipulates that we have to play late at night and almost without any sound, making the process often restrictive and rudimentary—an unfortunate deterrent for some.

Some couples of my acquaintance have let their syndrome go so long untreated that they have given up the instrument completely. Some individuals, ones who were not necessarily the victim of the syndrome or where their partner was mercilessly stricken, have taken to playing saxophone with strangers. This is not recommended as it can lead to other disorders floating out there in the medical pool that are well-documented. I encourage everyone to use some creative maneuvers to make time for their saxophone play.

Cap and I have scheduled concerts from time to time. It might not be the same spontaneous harmony of our youth, but when you’ve been without saxophone for an extended period, you begin to doubt your self-worth. This isn’t good for either person in a relationship. Sometimes you should take pains to give yourself time to enjoy the art of playing the saxophone with your loved one if for no other reason than it’s good for your mental health. Whenever our kids are away from home staying over with friends or loved ones, Cap and I will often try to get in a good jam session reminiscent of our younger days, like trying to play to the end of a quick saxophone piece before the pizza delivery arrives! Just make sure if you are afflicted with this syndrome that you at least try to remedy the problem before you lose all will to play, a sad state of affairs in my honest opinion.

Okay, so none of these disorders or syndromes is real. Considering the way we face our problems in this country with chemical medications rather than trying anything natural or behavioral first it’s probably a good thing. Sometimes the best way to fight the blues or doldrums is to use the age-old remedy I most enjoy when I’m down: HUMOR! It’s clichéd but true, sometimes laughter really is the best medicine.