Who Am I and Who Shall I Become?

I'm not sure.

My life is always in a constant state of flux.  And now, at 44 years of age, the changes seem to keep coming by leaps and bounds.  I'll try to explain...

I've been married to the same wonderful man for the last 20 years.  Is he perfect?  By no means!  But, he accepts me for who I am and loves me for all my weird little quirks and imperfections.  He deserves an award for that one!  He's been in the US Navy for the last 26 years and has served his country well.  We've only got 4 more years and then it's retirement!  Hallelujah!

You should notice that I stated "WE only have 4 more years!"  I say "WE" because I am just as committed to my husband's career as he is!  I'm the one who keeps the home fires burning and takes care of all the crap that happens while he is deployed.  And believe me...LOT'S OF CRAP happens while he is gone.  Such as the time he was gone on one of his 6 month deployments and the main circuit breaker decided to die.  Or we could talk about the time I came back from visiting him in Italy and found the most disgusting smell emanating from the livingroom.  On entering the house, I found that our 55 gallon salt water aquarium had sprung a leak, leaving all the fish dead and my carpet wreaking like our local beach at low tide!

Or how about the time I had to drive myself to Harbor View Hospital in Seattle when our son had to be life flighted there after a huge tree fell across his back and left him with too many injuries to count.  At the same time that evening, my mom had a heart attack and was being taken to the hospital.  And yes, Bill was deployed then too.  When it rains, it pours.

As a result of his accident, our son became addicted to pain killers and proceeded to move onto more hardcore drugs, like meth, ecstacy, LSD and marijuana.  Of course, this was a precursor to run ins with the police and some jail time.   He is currently living in a rehab facility and is getting the help that he needs and will hopefully stay clean.

I've also been the caregiver for my mom for the last 10 years.  Earlier this year she had a stroke that left her right side paralyzed and severely affected her memory.  I had to make the painful decision to have her reside in a nursing home nearby.  I went to see her every day and tried to comfort her in any way I could.  She passed away on November 10th of this year.

Our teenaged daughter had a baby this year.  She too has had boughts of drug and alcohol use and has made some decisions that have had us at odds many times.  Fortunately, she has turned her life around and has given birth to a beautiful baby girl.

Oh I guess I could go on and on about the things that have happened to me and my family.  I always joke around that my life could be a soap opera.  There is never a dull moment.  I always try to remember that everything that happens can either be my detriment or make me stronger.  It's my choice.

But, now things have changed once again.  Both kids are out of the house and mama is gone.  Bill is deployed a lot and that leaves me at home with two golden retrievers and a lot of time to contemplate things.

Who am I now?  I've always had someone to take care of or watch after.  I'm a mom and I guess I will always be a mom.  But, the kids don't need me as much any more.  So, I guess this is a good time to rediscover me and what I want to do and be.

When I was a kid, I loved music and singing!  I was in choir in school and those are some of my happiest memories.  I used to be in a gospel quartet when we lived in Florida.  I guess I could explore the possibility of joining a choir.  It sounds kind of exciting.

I'm a caregiver for a family in a nearby town.  I love helping people and interacting with others.  I guess I will never get that out of my system.

I love to travel and I'm very social.  So, I guess I will be making some travel plans to see my husband on his next deployment.

I love to write and entertain people.  So, now would be a good time to finish those 3 novels I started writing or perhaps scrap them and start something new.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that just because the nest is empty, it doesn't mean I have lost my identity.  I'm still the same person, I just have to find new ways of fulfilling my needs.

I've got plenty of time on my hands to have some new adventures! 

Well, life is always changing.  Sometimes we adjust to changes and sometimes we fight them tooth and nail.  I'm trying to adjust with grace.  I'll let you know how that goes.

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Comments 4 comments

ESG Consulting profile image

ESG Consulting 5 years ago from Canary Wharf, London, Bromley and Kent

This is a lovely hub. There will never be a definite answer when you have love and freedom in your heart.It sounds as though you are abundant in both, so you must BE a wonderful person already. Thank you for sharing.


Whidbeywriter profile image

Whidbeywriter 5 years ago from Oak Harbor on Whidbey Island, Washington

Awesome hub.....to me you are the nicest most caring person that I have ever known. I enjoy your enthusiasm even when things are not going well, you can keep it so together. May the Lord bless you and Bill in your new empty nest, you will be in our prayers that the Lord will touch the heart of your son and he become free of drugs and any other addictions. Blessings dear friend.


Lisa M Smith profile image

Lisa M Smith 5 years ago from Coupeville, WA Author

Dear the clean life,

Thank you so much for your very kind words. I'm nothing special. I am the sum of the decisions that I've made throughout my life. I am very proud of my family and I love them all through the good and the bad. That is what family is about.

I pray that God will bless you as well and Merry Christmas!


the clean life profile image

the clean life 5 years ago from New Jersey Shore

Well Lisa I don't know where to start but to tell you are a very strong lady. You have so much on your plate all at one time and you have handled it beautifully I think. You should be very proud of yourself. I hope your son remains clean and sober and tell him never to give up. I'm also very happy for your daughter, having her baby girl and your grand daughter and how she turned her life around.

Please give your husband a huge thank you from me and all of us here for protecting our country all these years.

Good Bless you Lisa and your family and I hope you have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy and safe New Years !!

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