How Buying Slippers Can Turn Into A Fiasco

All I Wanted Was To Buy A Pair Of Slippers!

We regularly go into the 'big city' to shop on weekends because where we live, our largest store is Rite-Aid. On one particular visit to our nearby JC Penney, I found out that needing a pair of slippers could prove hazardous to my health!

Sometimes by the time I have worked all week, I admit I get a little dazed for lack of a better word. When you have to routinely cram all your shopping into one visit and make it count so to speak, that makes it even more brain draining. At least that's the story I'm sticking with!

We were into our second or third hour of store hopping and Bob was starting to suffer his typical PTSD symptoms....post-traumatic shopping disorder for those of you who don't know that it has another meaning and there are treatment programs for it (I so wish).

He kindly informed me that he would be waiting for me to finish up - in the car! Well....at least it would give me more time to think and not be 'rushed'. I needed a pair of slippers and I figured he would just be hurrying me along so no problem. I told him I'd see him in a bit and to go have his detox time in the car.





First off, our stores here in Central Oregon must be about a 'C' or maybe a 'D' - that is to say that they are not very big. They have very few things to choose from just because of the limited size of the stores, but hey - I usually can make do just fine. However, for some odd reason, when I stepped into the slipper section of JC Penney, it was PACKED with slippers.

There were slippers in piles on the display tables. There were slippers hanging on hooks and shelves and shelves of them in all colors and styles. Good grief - it was a slipper sensory overload! In my already partially dazed state, I was beginning to feel overwhelmed. Too many choices I thought to myself! Stop the madness!

Well, I finally got hold of myself and decided to just approach the dilemma methodically - what did I want in a slipper? Did I want a slide or did I want a complete over-the-foot keep-the-whole-foot-warm deal? Did I want traction on the bottoms, or did I want to live dangerously and get the skidding type? I was SO glad Bob had left me alone as I could just hear his eyes rolling about now. 'Good God, Audrey - how long does it take to pick out a pair of SLIPPERS?'

We won't even GO to color. Which robe should I get them to match with? Should I get brown or should I get white or maybe something that would go with 'everything' and anything? Ones that would not show the dirt or if I sloshed my coffee and got a spot on them? What made me think of red slippers I have no clue but I was narrowing it down. I kept circling the displays and picturing the styles and all the colors with my wardrobe - oh, decisions, decisions.

This entire event was an aberration - I can honestly swear to it. I NEVER spend this much time choosing a piece of clothing, much less footwear! That's why I know that I was just not myself this particular day and that is why this happened!

Bob always smirks at me as I go through the store and rub materials to see what the fabric is, and I have been known to try on something maybe twice - okay once it was 3 times - but for the most part, I'm a very decisive kind of girl! If I see something, it is on sale most of all, it is a good buy for the money and seems like it'll go the distance - I'm done. Pay for it, walk out the door. Should have probably remembered this philosophy at the time of the slipper incident!

I'm Almost Ready To Make The Purchase

Okay - so now I've finally narrowed it down and I want red slippers - why I have not a clue. I don't own a red robe - I own a beautiful dark GREEN robe and unless I'm wearing them to look like a Christmas tree - why red? 

In my stupor though and after weighing so many pros and cons of this style versus that style, this bottom versus that bottom - whew - the possibilities just kept on coming - I finally have made up my mind.  The red ones it is!  Yahoo - almost done.

I slipped the pair of slippers off the table - you know the kind - where they are stapled or tied onto the cardboard display card and they are conveniently joined together so that no man can put asunder?  I laid the little cardboard display on the floor, slipped off one of my shoes and slid my socked foot into the slipper.  Hmmm - I guess it's not exactly brain surgery - yep - it fit - there was a red slipper on my foot alright.  Had to go look at it in the mirror though - WHY?  I have no clue!  I am not this person and I do not know how she has taken over my persona.

Ah well - I decide yeah - they'll do in a pinch.  I am thinking to myself though 'why red?' and I still don't have an answer but decide I'd best giddy up and get out of there before Bob starts to wonder what has happened to me.  As I start towards the counter though, something just started to niggle at me and I heard this little voice sitting on my shoulder saying 'don't you think you should try both feet on?  What if one foot fits and the other one is screwed up somehow and you get them all the way home and find out they don't fit right? Better to be safe than sorry!'

Brother - who needs the little voice?  Again, I have never had this unfounded fear in my life - that I would actually end up with GASP 2 slippers that did not fit both my feet.  What did I eat for breakfast that day?  Seriously - I didn't have any little nips out of the flask either!  So I step back into the sensory-overloaded slipper AREA (too small to qualify as a department after all) and I slip both my shoes off and set my things down.  Then I laid the display card with the pretty red slippers on the floor and proceeded to try on one foot (yep - it still fit) - and then tried on the other foot (by golly - it fit, too!). 

I could have walked away here - picked up the idiotic slippers and just gone and paid and been done with it - but NOOOO - I had to think about it.  I thought to myself 'self - I wonder how they look on your feet though - you only looked at the one in the mirror.  So maybe put on BOTH and look in the mirror.'  Sounded like a good idea in my head!  So I slipped both feet into the slippers but when I turned to look in the mirror, I could not see because all the displays were blocking my view.  Hmmm - well, I should have stopped right there - but of course I didn't.

I proceeded to take a couple of steps IN the cardboard display IN the slippers - which I quickly found out was not a good idea!  They tie those suckers together for a reason I guess - so that stupid people can't walk out of the store in them - OBVIOUSLY!  I do remember thinking a few swear words because I kind of knew where this was going. The next few moments went by really, really fast though!

All I remember is taking the couple of steps and then my arms starting to flail as if I was a windmill - I was trying to stay upright but of course it was not working....that tap dance move called the 'wing' - yep - I was doing it (see the video for a pretty good likeness of the moves I was making).  I of course am sucking in air faster than a Hoover vacuum and I'm trying so dang hard to just NOT fall down - especially backwards....oh my. 

 

I Think I've Fallen And I Can't Get Up!

Well, we all know what happened. I was up - at least for a bit - and I was flailing like I was gonna tap myself to death but to no avail. I crashed backward, and lucky for me, it just so happened that the display table was right where I left it - behind me! I bounced off the table and then tried to right myself only to pitch myself forward, lose my balance AGAIN and fall backwards again but this time into the shelves and shelves of slippers hanging on cardboard display cards on the wall!

I of course knocked off at least 50 or so pairs of slippers that were on the blasted display table - I knocked a bunch of shelves off the wall with all the slippers attached - and I NARROWLY missed driving one of the shelf brackets through my back! OMG!!! And now I'm laying slumped on the floor - and the damned slippers are still on my feet! They were attached like glue!

Clean up on aisle 7!! Too bad I have this thing about being embarrassed - I would rather die than be embarrassed and the last thing I wanted was for someone to SEE what I had just done although I couldnt' believe no one saw it! It was like a classic 'you're on Candid Camera' moment! I quickly divested myself of the cursed slippers and began cleaning up like I was in a race to beat the clock. I had the table set to rights and although I couldn't quite figure out how to get the stupid SHELVES back on the wall - at least I had made some efforts at tidying the place up! Whew!

Of course my back was killing me because of all my lurching, not to mention my shoulders - I was sweating like a pig by now and I'm sure red as a beet to boot! I literally slammed the stupid red slippers back on the display table - 'take THAT you blasted slippers! Stay away from me!' I was busy looking left and right and behind me because I was so worried someone had seen my antics in the slipper area! But it looked like the coast was clear. I certainly didn't have anyone running over to help me back up (they were probably laying on the floor doubled over in laughter) so I figured I was safe.

I picked out a WHITE pair of slippers - I never had any trouble at all with white slippers - what was I thinking?? Off I went to casually pay for them and get the heck out of there! The gal at the counter had the NERVE to ask me if I found everything okay and I countered with 'what does THAT mean?' - slick, Audrey, slick! No one would know you just knocked over the display table and messed up the shelves! I told her it looked like a shelf (or 2) might have fallen down though - might want to get on that before someone gets hurt!

I got out to the car a little worse for the wear that's for sure and Bob takes one look at me and says 'what happened to you?' I guess my hair was a little mussed (oh, DUH) and I was still a little flushed....I cannot tell a lie so of course I confessed to what I had done and he bursts out laughing! He was SO upset that he missed it - another classic Audrey-doing-Lucille-Ball moment! I get no respect!

Further, when I relayed my story to my daughter and said how relieved I was that no one saw me, she just burst out laughing as well. She really made my day by saying 'oh my god, mom - don't you think they were like passing around the security tape to everyone after they saw it?' Nice touch....

I never go into JC Penney anymore unless I'm wearing dark glasses - I mostly just order on line because it is TOTALLY safe and if they are not going to post DANGER signs in the slipper area, I just don't think it is a good idea for me to shop there. At the very least, they should have a warning label on the display cards, don't you think? 'Do NOT attempt to walk in these while they are attached to the display card!! May cause falling, especially if you're a dumb old fart!'  It gives new meaning to the words 'watch your step' is all I can say!

I Now Know How To Do This Step

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Comments 25 comments

Tory Burch Outlet 4 years ago

it would be a disaster waiting to happen!


akirchner profile image

akirchner 5 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Amen, amen, amen - I tend to be kinda sorta 'you have to be kidding me' but then the older I get/got I decided it is just that. We all don't have to be on the same page...we just have to be compatible! I've been with this guy for 35+ years so think it is working no matter if we get "all" of it or just part of it. Love is what makes the world go round and in that, I've been blessed in spades.


Katharella profile image

Katharella 5 years ago from Lost in America

LOL! Let's chalk it up to, to each their own! lol :) haa


akirchner profile image

akirchner 5 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Katharella - Good point~! I know - but then he doesn't "get" Woody Allen either. You just have to go whatever....


Katharella profile image

Katharella 5 years ago from Lost in America

WHAT? Quickly get him to the nearest psychological facility possible! LOL!!! haha.. Well, he's the first person I've ever heard of that doesn't love her! So, hey shhh.. secret.. if he's ever bad, now you know theeee torture LOL!!! (JUST KIDDING) :) LOL!!!


akirchner profile image

akirchner 5 years ago from Central Oregon Author

No kidding on the Lucy reruns. I think my hubby is the only person I've ever met who doesn't think they're funny. I grew up on them so of course I think they're hilarious and because I've had so many comedic moments, I guess I'm 'on board'~!


Katharella profile image

Katharella 5 years ago from Lost in America

Oh LOL I did a hub on Lucy! I LOVE LUCY!!! I tell you those are reruns that will live on forever! It actually gets quite a bit of hits, not a lot of comments, maybe because it's older, but people want another one according to the poll, and I have the photos, so it's IN the bucket list!

My friend got a new job recently and she posted "I FEEL LIKE LUCY AT THE CANDY JOB" lol unfortunately, she couldn't hide papers under her hat! LOL!! Um, I think I tend to find other "Lucy-moments" quite a bit! Sometimes we just say "what's out next plan Lucy" and we are BOTH Lucy LOL!!!


akirchner profile image

akirchner 5 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Too funny on the purse huddle - will have to try that~ I honestly get into trouble just walking into a store and can't seem to get away from my Lucille Ball moments as I call them...my friends and family love going places with me for the entertainment factor (or so I've heard). I guess it's good to be able to laugh at all these things - what else can ya do when you're lying on top of a thousand bloody pairs of slippers???


Katharella profile image

Katharella 5 years ago from Lost in America

Audry.. oh my I don't mean to laugh at your agony over JUST WANTING SLIPPERS!!! Such a simple thing making life so hard! My closest good store is also a JCPenny's, and I am HIGHLY against getting more credit cards or encouraging anyone else too, but I ended up getting one, and I just bought a swimsuit online (which normally I would never do, but being I can return at the store, and it was LESS than half price plus a "coupon code") I went for it! LOVE THE SUIT! Saw the same exact one at Belks for more than double the price! (I'm not a swimmer don't get me wrong, but I live by Atlantic beach) and really like to enjoy the ocean sometimes. Why not! But I'll show you the link to my buys, every month just about I get either a $10. freebie or a $15. freebie! Saves ya lots of hassles and it's kept me with free pillows when I do go in there for things I need.. oh and free jewelry & other items but I won't go there right now lol! LOVE THE STORY sorry such a hassle! Amazing there's no help, but one easy way to get it is take your purse huddle in a corner and security will be right there! That's when you can get HELP LOL! It works seriously! :)


akirchner profile image

akirchner 5 years ago from Central Oregon Author

2patricias....now that is hilarious~! It might catch on and everyone might be afraid to go slipper shopping! Thanks for the read.


2patricias profile image

2patricias 5 years ago from Sussex by the Sea

Last week I was shopping with a friend at our nearest big city. We were on our way to the railway station and then she remembered that she wanted to buy some slippers for her husband. At the chosen shop, I said I would look at slippers for myself. Instead of the normal paltry selection, there were several bit boxes of slippers. My friend said "you will surely find something here." I said "No this is all too much for me, I am going home." And this was before reading your hub!!!! I see now that I made the right choice.

thanks for this hub - very well written and it made me laugh.


akirchner profile image

akirchner 5 years ago from Central Oregon Author

My daughter's convinced they caught it all on vid and were passing it around the mall....oh well - as long as it doesn't show up on America's Funniest Videos, I guess I'll live? Grace is NOT my middle name!


kaltopsyd profile image

kaltopsyd 5 years ago from Trinidad originally, but now in the USA

Aww... hahaha... well, if by any chance those who caught your little dancing act happen to be there when you go back, I don't think they'll remember. OR maybe they would? I don't know. I'm not being very helpful, so I'll shut up now. :)


akirchner profile image

akirchner 5 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Kim....now WHY did I not think of that? I could have pretended that I was practicing....as I crashed backwards onto the table. Good lord! I still get a little clammy when I go into that store as I'm afraid that someone is watching and pointing at a camera somewhere and saying 'oh good....our day just brightened up....here comes the slipper lady!'


kaltopsyd profile image

kaltopsyd 5 years ago from Trinidad originally, but now in the USA

Thank you for that imagery - comparing your desperate attempt to remain upright to a wing. That step can be quite difficult to do. For some reason, my left foot never wants to cooperate and my right foot ends up doing all the work while the left foot sort of fakes it. But I'm getting slightly off topic here...

You really do know how to turn your funny experiences into an entertaining story. :D Next time you go slipper shopping, put on a pair of tap shoes. :p


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

You are too kind Ms. JoAnn! And yes, it was kinda like the I was there and then I've fallen and I can't get up deal....you were there - you know I'm poultry in motion....thanks for leaving a comment!!!


JoAnn 6 years ago

This was another one of your hilarious stories! Again I laughed so hard the tears were ruining my makeup! Of course you know, if I would have been with you, I wouldn't have laughed. At least not until I knew your were OK. Something like the "now you see me, now you don't" getting out of the SUV trick. Keep up the good work ~ you make my day!!


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Thanks - that makes ME laugh....nothing like it in the world. Just my luck - no matter where I go or what I do - comedic things seem to happen. I think that is why Bob loves me -I keep him constantly entertained. Cheers to you, too!


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England

Ha Ha Ha, Audrey you are a legend!! I can honestly say, no one else makes me laugh like this!! cheers Nell


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

That IS too hilarious - we walked out of Nordstrom's once with one of those on a sweatshirt and nothing happened either - only I marched it back to the store because I was so worried they had the hounds out after us or the cops would be showing up at my door! OR I would ruin the thing by attempting to take it off....I did not get the buzzing though.....with my luck though if I'd been wearing it, it would have been loaded with ink and someone would have tapped me on the shoulder in another store in the mall and told me I was leaking! Thanks for sharing though - made me laugh....Audrey


BEAUTYBABE profile image

BEAUTYBABE 6 years ago from QUEENSLAND AUSTRALIA.

Hi Audrey,

I had a funny thing happen to me. I was buying new bras and it was near to closing time when I was in the store. I was leaving with my husband and kept hearing a faint buzzing sound, but didn't think anything of it. In fact, we went to four different shops in this shopping mall before going on home.When we got home, I had worn the bra I bought home, I noticed something on the strap of the bra. On closer inspection, my husband said that the sales attendant had left the security marker on the strap of my bra. You know how they always tell you that there is ink inside or they will make a noise if you try to undo them, well it is just a scare tactic. We had to ring them to see how we could get it off without marking the bra, and they told us the security marker had nothing in it at all. She said we could just get a screwdriver and undo the little screws to undo it and remove it from the bra. She was most apologetic and I think she felt a bit silly, but she was running late and that is why it happened. I still can't believe not one person stopped me, even though I was beeping and this is to stop people shoplifting,amazing isn't it? BB


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Unfortunately/fortunately - it is but ONE story of my life....I seem to have a propensity to cause funny stories no matter what I do! It's a gift...ha ha - at least it totally keeps my husband (and family and friends) entertained I suppose! If I ever tried to be classy, it would be a disaster waiting to happen! Thanks for reading!


habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia

Oh, Audrey, this was wonderful!


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

I kinda sorta did but at the moment - YIKES! Would not like to repeat THAT little move any time soon although my middle name should be klutz!


resspenser profile image

resspenser 6 years ago from South Carolina

Funny hub. I enjoyed it!

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