Do Pee Like a Racehorse

Piss Like a Racehorse

By Wes J. Pimentel

There are many sayings that are a mystery to me. While most of these clichéd bits of wisdom have obvious roots, some just defy any sort of deductive reasoning or discernment. The following is a review of stuff that we say all the time, but have no idea why.

Bullshit. Why on earth does male bovine fecal matter mean misinformation? Is there something deceptive about cow poop? As far as I can tell, it comes out the back, lands on the ground, stinks, and passes through the typical color changes. Most crap displays these qualities. Why do we feel the need to pick on bulls? Did someone try to pass off a pile of moo-doo as something else at some point? I can just see some 18th century puritan like, “Oh! This is wonderful. Mr. Smith sent over some bread pudding!” Then, after the first taste it’s like, “Wait a second. That’s not bread pudding. That’s bullshit!” From there it just caught on, I guess. I mean, there’s nothing inherently misleading about the stuff. There had to have been a dishonest human involved somehow. It’s just harmless brown matter. In fact, it can be really useful. If you’re camping out in a cow neighborhood and you don’t have insect repellant, you can burn a dried-up cow patty by where you sleep and presto! No bugs. Or, if you want to try a cool new hair-do, you can use bullshit to facilitate dread-locks. There you have it. I think overall, the Bessie bombs have gotten a bad rap.

Piece of cake. What’s so easy about a piece of cake? Nothing, that’s what. If right now, I asked you for a piece of cake, I’d have to wait about two hours, including all the prep time. You have to secure a recipe, gather (or buy) the ingredients, mix it up, bake it, cut it in half, fill it with icing, cover it with icing, decorate it, and finally cut it into individual servings. When you think about it, a piece of cake is one of the most complicated undertakings in existence. Why the hell does this saying mean something easy? It’s like, “So, can you do that for me?” “Sure, it’s a piece of cake.” How did this get started? Imagine the world without that saying in place. If I was to ask someone for something and they said, “Piece of cake” I’d think to myself, Great! This is going to take forever and involve a bunch of complicated steps. Most sayings make sense. This one is the exact opposite of what it means. From now on I’m going to flip it. Whenever I encounter a time-consuming, complicated project I’m going to say something like, “Oh shit. This is going to be a real piece of cake,” and see if it catches on. Probably not. I’m sure people will look at me like I’m the weird one.

Scot free. “He got away scot-free.” Does this mean the person made it away without any “scot,” or what? I don’t get it. Perhaps it means he escaped in a manner reminiscent of Scot, whoever that is. I guess it could mean you got away as free as a Scotsman, but what makes Scottish freedom stand out in comparison to other nationalities’ freedoms? This one is just a total mystery to me. I know so little I can’t even say anything humorous about it. If you know where this saying came from, please email me. Thanks.

Chip on your shoulder. This can go two ways. Either there’s a chip missing from said shoulder, or there is a chip of some foreign material placed atop the shoulder in question. This saying relates to the emotional baggage leftover after some kind of trauma. If it means that what you went through left you slightly incomplete as a person, then I kind of see it. Why the shoulder, though? Shoulders have no emotional significance, other than where you carry certain burdens. But why would a “shouldered” burden remove a chunk of you? In that usage the shoulder is analogous to the strength one uses to handle the situation, therefore it wouldn’t make sense for this hefty little body part to be damaged. I could see a chip on your heart, but your shoulder? Whatever.

So, what if it means the latter? Some object resting on you. I guess if you had some foreign object on your shoulder, it would kind of impede your daily activities, so I can almost see that too. But again, why the damned shoulder? Wouldn’t a chip on your nose be much more distracting? If you had a chip of something on your nose, you’d be hard pressed to focus on anything but the friggin’ thing. It’d be like, “Well, I’d like to start a deeply committed relationship with you, but I can’t see past this attention-grabbing chip on my nose!” See? It makes much more sense that way.

Piss like a racehorse. Why? Do racehorses pee often? Do they expel large amounts of urine? Usually when people say this they mean they have to pee urgently because having a full bladder is uncomfortable and urinating oneself is just bad form. I can’t see horses going through this. Horses aren’t housebroken and they don’t wear clothing, so they can just go any time they want to. In fact, I’ve seen police horses in New York City just shit while walking in a parade. If a horse who’s supposed to be representing New York City’s finest in front of hundreds of thousands of people can just drop pounds and pounds of crap in the middle of the street, peeing any time they want to must be no problem. Maybe it’s the amount. Horses probably pee a couple gallons at a time. I don’t know, I’m a city boy. Anyway, even if they do, it can’t be more than other 500 pound animals, can’t it? I’m sure giraffes, zebras, and camels pee just as much. So, why horses? Do people in the middle-east say, “Pee like a race camel?” The real reason I don’t get this one though, is the racing part. What is it about racing that makes horses pee so much, or so often, or so urgently, or whatever it is? And even if racehorses pee more or more often than regular horses and horses pee more or more often than other animals their size, when did this become common knowledge? Who found this out? Did I miss a documentary or something? There’s got to be an animal out there that can top a racehorse; if not a hippo, a rhino, or an elephant, then definitely a blue whale. I have to pee like a blue whale. Wow. Now that’s saying something.

So, there it is. I’ll probably write another one of these as I collect more weird sayings. I’m sure I missed a couple. ‘Til then chill out, and don’t get your panties in a bunch.

More by this Author

  • My Dad's a Homo
    68

    This is a picture of my father, Robert, holding my daughter, Fauna. By Wes J. Pimentel My father is gay. This is the story of how I found out and the emotions I felt at the time and have felt since. I will then share...


Comments 13 comments

Cris A profile image

Cris A 7 years ago from Manila, Philippines

LOL you made funny observations and analyses. But after the chuckling dies down, you know what, you are probably right! Thanks for sharing these as they make good topics for conversations and possibly arguments! And yeah, I hope you make a second serving :D


Schwag profile image

Schwag 7 years ago from Clarksville, TN Author

Thanks, man. As a writer, I love words and language and speech and so on, so I think I analyze what people say and how they say it a little more than most. It's a blessing and a curse.


Cris A profile image

Cris A 7 years ago from Manila, Philippines

A blessing and a curse now that's a paradoz - perhaps a new hub?

i've been thinking about "piece of cake" it might be referring to the ease of eating it. But i don't know :D


LondonGirl profile image

LondonGirl 7 years ago from London

nice one! Mind you, horses do have an incredible bladder capacity, and also the output is at an impressive volume!


Schwag profile image

Schwag 7 years ago from Clarksville, TN Author

For some reason people love to react to this piece. I don't know what it is. Thanks, guys. As far as the actual meanings of these sayings, if you go to this page on my blog you will see a whole discussion of these sayings. Some people even found the actual histories on them: http://blog.thelifearticles.com/2008/05/17/piss-li...


awibs 6 years ago

Yes, horses do pee a lot at one time, and for some reason, they won't do it just anywhere or while walking. They will crap randomly while walking, but they won't piss. Instead they will hold it for hours and only go when they are done moving from point a to point b. Piss like a racehorse refers to the fact that after a race horses are very antsy to be returned to their stalls, where they proceed to piss a shocking quantity. I don't know why racehorse is the term in particular, all horses who have been going somewhere awhile will do this as soon as you tie them up for the evening.

Finally, its common knowledge because horses were in common use before cars, and believe it or not, our language dates from before cars.


Special Ed 6 years ago

Here's a left-handed explanation for "piss like a racehorse", probably as good as anything else. First, please note that "racehorse" does not have any special meaning in the racing community, so it is unlikely to have been used by them as a descriptor. But during the "parade" prior to each race, horses finally stand still after moving around the track subsequent to leaving the stables. Horses often urinate after these activities. So in the course of a day at the races, you will see several horses urinating at the parade. I have heard from multiple sources that they bet on the horeses that have just urinated, as they are more comfortable / less distracted. This seems to be an old wive's tale. Polite society of former times would not have been able to mention this strategy, so there are no trite sayings for it (like "piss like a racehorse"). But having this reason to mention the horse's bodily functions could have led to the perpetuation of this saying.


Schwag profile image

Schwag 6 years ago from Clarksville, TN Author

awibs - thanks for the comment and the info. The last section I find troubling, though. You seem to be implying that simply because the language one speaks existed before some historic event we're somehow magically endowed with historical knowledge through the words we speak. The truth is this is NOT common knowledge, as evidenced by the very few people who actually know this. (it's mostly people who deal with horses now, not people whose ancestors did). Almost. Thanks.

Special Ed - I think from the comments we can all determine from whence the horse one came. Thanks.


JIM 5 years ago

I READ SOMEWHERE THAT RACEHORSES ARE SOMETIMES GIVEN A DIURETIC AND THEN THE PENIS IS CONSTRICTED WITH A CORD SO THEY CAN NOT PEE. THEN JUST BEFORE THE RACE THE CORD IS RELEASED. tHE PORR HORSES HUGE BLADDER IS BY THIS TIME CLOSE TO BURSTING AND THEY PEE PHENOMENALLY. tHIS ENSURES A COMPLETELY EMPTY BLADDER FOR THE RACE AND MINIMUM WEIGHT OF IT.


Schwag profile image

Schwag 5 years ago from Clarksville, TN Author

JIM - Although your Caps Lock isn't on, you've managed to capitalize 99% of your comment. This tells me your poor pinky is probably in worse shape than a racehorse penis. That being said, thanks for the comment. The pharmaceutical contribution is an interesting consideration, as is the bound penis. I am inclined to believe it, though, because animal users tend to be animal abusers.


NOGA 4 years ago

WATER HORSE!


little jim 4 years ago

I too have heard about horses having their penises tied till their bladders are stretched to the limit I was shown behind the scenes at a race meeting and saw this horse with its enormous penis hanging out and its stomach hugely swollen behind it. They explained the idea is to ensure the horse races on an empty bladder as the horse bladder is so enormous that the horse weighs many pounds more if it races with a full bladder. In this case I was told the horse was close to bursting point and it had been trying to pee for ages. The catgut tightly stretched and tied round the massive penis made relief impossible. They then cut the ligature and the immediately peed out of control and filled two two-gallon buckets and a further half.

One could imagine the weight loss from five gallons of pee but the animal had clearly been in agony before the cord was cut.


Schwag profile image

Schwag 3 years ago from Clarksville, TN Author

Jim: Thanks for the heart-wrenching account. It really lightened the mood in here.

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working