"I'd F**k Her, But I Wouldn't Date Her."

Wait! What?!?

I am friends with a lot of guys. That sort of odd chronic platonicity with so many dude friends gives a heterosexual chick this sort of view into the inner lair of male thought. And although you wouldn’t think so, they don’t mind you asking what the hell they could possibly be thinking. This is something I take advantage of at every possible turn. (Warning, the male inner lair a strange and bewildering place. It’s not for the faint of heart, stomach, or self-esteem. Man reality is the biggest bitch I’ve ever met.)

Of all the things I hear men say, discuss, ponder, and just spew out their face holes, this one puzzles me the most: “Yeah, I’d f**k her but I wouldn’t date her.” If my life had a soundtrack, the first time I heard this statement would be immediately followed by that sound a record makes when you drag the needle and the music comes to an abrupt halt. (Incidentally, if my life had a key grip, I still wouldn’t know what the hell a key grip was.) What in God’s name does that MEAN? Over the years, I’ve heard it time after time after time. I’ve heard it in bars. I’ve heard it in restaurants. I’ve heard it when men were just browsing a magazine or a webpage. I’ve heard it in just about every place imaginable. There are two common themes always present. 1. The statement is made on appearance alone. 2. The chick is almost always something the resembles a Barbie Doll, porn star, or supermodel (more often than not complete with plastic tits and face).

Ok, we chicks know we are judged on our appearance. We chicks usually think we are supposed to look like a certain protypical stick figure model with perky boobs, bleach blonde hair, perfectly in order make up, a tight little rear and clothes just the right kind of slutty without moving into skanky. We chicks know. We get to live with that every day of our lives. We can love ourselves; we can become one with ourselves. We can even think we’re the sexiest thing since James Bond. But we chicks KNOW that we aren’t Barbie. When we look at ourselves in the mirror, we wish we had better ______ like _____ <fill in your own blank. We’re all different.> No matter what we look like, we think the world expects more. Then there are these girls. You know the ones. The ones who show up at the restaurant when you’re on a date. The ones who show up at the bar when you’re out feeling bloated and just want to drink it out like an alcoholic sea lion. The ones who walk by when you’re with your man and you notice his glance veering ever so sneakily straight to her. The girls with the short skirts and the disproportionally large breasts for their size <some size I’ll never venture to on the rack> waists. The ones with the dolled up eyes and the perfectly in place, perfectly blonde/brunette/red, perfectly perfect hair. The ones with an ass that you’d cut out her vagina to have. The girls that look like they cost $100.00 a day to maintain (and since I’ve tried it, that’s probably an accurate number).The ones you judge yourself mercilessly by. Those girls have it ALL. Don’t they? Every dude in the room watches them walk by. Heh. Guess what? “I’d f**k her, but I wouldn’t date her.”

Wait, what? You mean to say these girls are not worthy of dating, based SOLELY on their appearance? Wait.. just.. a.. second. You mean to tell me that I just watched you watch her go all the way across the room with your mouth a little open and………. DUDE! Is that drool? But you’d kick her out of bed in the morning and never call again? Wait, WHAT?!? These are the girls we’re all striving to be because of……DUDE! Wipe your drool already! These are the girls that all us girls are fighting even our most subconscious insecurities over. And you wouldn’t date her? You wouldn’t date her because she LOOKS like that?

I’ve heard a few answer to this. 1. “Those kinds of girls are a nightmare. They’re whiny, spoiled and never happy with anything. They make you miserable and you can’t stand to be near them. But they’re fun to have sex with!” And 2. “Nobody wants a girl that every other man is hitting on constantly. You’ll never be as good as the next guy. There’s always some dude better than you for her to run off with. Those girls are pretty shallow and attention seeking and they’ll just leave. You’re a constant wreck wondering when she’s going to cheat. But they’re fun to have sex with!”

And you gathered all this based solely on appearance? Yes, yes you did.

Somehow, at first, I was somehow threatened by this. I thought, “Wait, so guys only date girls that they think aren’t that hot?” Of course I was somehow threatened by this. Hasn’t Barbie always won? Grade school, high school, college, 20s, 30s, midlife crisis, Hugh Hefner. Barbie always wins, right? Then I realized, I’ve never once, never ever, ever, E V E R heard a dude say, “I’d date her but I wouldn’t fuck her.” So, of course, I rallied platonia and asked “So do guys only date chicks they don’t think are hot?” No, they say. A guy won’t date a chick he doesn’t want to bone. Turns out, there’s all kinds of hot. There’s Barbie, but then there’s the naughty librarian fantasy. There’s Barbie and then there’s the girl next door. There’s Barbie and then there’s ____ <fill in the blank.. men have a lot of fantasies. Yet another thing you learn in the inner lair> There’s Barbie and then there’s funny, smart, beautiful, substantive, down to earth sexy who not only would the dude f**k, but make love, would date, propose, marry, have children, spend his life with. At some point I realized, I feel a little sorry for Barbie. But since I’ve been in competition with her since I was 6, I’m just going to put the level of wrong of this next statement aside and say:

WINNING!

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