Wooden People More Prone to Depression


Verbal abuse

"I've been called terrible names," Woody told this reporter. "You have no idea how it affects me." Woody speaks for many of his people with regard to the prejudice they face on a daily basis. Woody (last name withheld) states that he regularly confronts verbal abuse. He believes this bullying is a prime reason why people of wood succumb to depression at a far higher rate than metal or plastic people.

"People have said I am unemotional, which couldn't be further from the truth," Woody stated.

"You do seem kind of wooden," I prompted."A bit stiff."

"That's exactly what I'm talking about," he responded."It's those kinds of remarks that really cut deep."

"Kind of like a saw?" I suggested.

"Yes. Those words cut like a saw," Woody said. I snickered, but in a totally objective manner.

Health problems

Woody deals with several health issues, as do many of his kind. He has sawdust which is the wooden version of dandruff. "It's impossible to find a good sawdust shampoo," Woody explained. "Dandruff shampoo is everywhere. Only the best for regular people, but manufacturers don't care about people of wood."

Woody is not the only one who deals with health issues. Wooden people are beset by a laundry list of ailments not experienced by other people, such as knotholes, termite infestation, cracking, splitting, dull finish, moisture sensitivity which can result in warping, and dry rot. "These are problems not faced by people of steel or plastic," he lamented.


"Metal people do seem to be much hardier than wooden ones," I agreed.

"Well, they're not plagued by the same troubles as we are," Woody stated, somewhat offended. "They have it easy. So do the plastic ones."


On a daily basis, Woody must be vigilant against predators such as the aforementioned termites, along with woodpeckers, wood borers, and urinating dogs.

"The world is a very dangerous place for people like me," Woody said. "Just look at all the weapons out there that specifically target my people."

He is making reference to shavers, saws, drills, punches, lathes, buffers, sanders, and the like.

"They're everywhere," Woody said, with a shake of his head.

Legal implications

There are currently no laws protecting people of wood in this country. The world is slow to recognize their rights. In fact, they have none.

"It's just something we live with," Woody commented. 

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Comments 22 comments

billyaustindillon profile image

billyaustindillon 6 years ago

Karen great satire - some very powerful points in reality illustrated through humor and I was thinking where is Buzz Lightyear while at the same time my mind was thinking.

DREAM ON profile image

DREAM ON 6 years ago

You have such a great imagination!!!I loved it all.

Karen Wodke profile image

Karen Wodke 6 years ago from Midwest Author

Thanks, I had to come up with something when I stumbled across this photo. Isn't that little man just too cute?

L a d y f a c e profile image

L a d y f a c e 6 years ago from Canada

This was hilarious. So, in fact, that I sent it to some friends. lol. Thanks :) You have a wonderful imagination.

Scarlett My Dear profile image

Scarlett My Dear 6 years ago from Missouri

*Smiles A Lot!*

I wondered which came first, the interviewer leading this poor fella to the woodshed OR the author's imagination taking root with this absurdly entertaining picture. Thank you for making me laugh this morning, Karen!

Karen Wodke profile image

Karen Wodke 6 years ago from Midwest Author

Thanks, Scarlett. Sometimes I hang out on the fringes of the ridiculous.

Bryan Robertson profile image

Bryan Robertson 6 years ago from Tennessee, United States

Funny stuff, Karen! I agree with Dream On - Great imagination!

Karen Wodke profile image

Karen Wodke 6 years ago from Midwest Author

Thanks, Bryan.

quicklysilver profile image

quicklysilver 6 years ago from wexford, ireland

Not all wooden people suffer from depression, in fact very few do, woody is well known for his tails of poor me. I am a healthy wooden man, I get myself varnished once a week and this keeps me in good health.

I just think people need to see both sides of this life.

Karen Wodke profile image

Karen Wodke 6 years ago from Midwest Author

Thanks for presenting an opposing view, Quickly! Woody is a bit of a whiner sometimes.

Poohgranma profile image

Poohgranma 6 years ago from On the edge

You have taken satire to a new level - I LOVE it!

Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California

Hah! Another funny one. You are a fine pun-weaver. Love it.

"I snickered, but in a totally objective manner." lol. Me too.

lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca

And to see those woodchucks tossing the poor things around! It's a pity. Perhaps the wooden folks can start picketing-with their relatives as the pickets-for civil rights!

Karen Wodke profile image

Karen Wodke 6 years ago from Midwest Author

You are right, Lorlie. I avoided giving some really grisly facts in this article, and therefore didn't mention rotating saws, mills, and grinders. If people of wood would just organize, they might have some power. Alas, they can't see the forest for the trees and woodchucks are around every corner. Well, not really. But metaphorically. Well, not really that either, but I do like to use the word "metaphorically" whenever possible.

lindajot profile image

lindajot 6 years ago from Willamette Valley - Oregon

You make me smile, and your hubs are terrific!

Karen Wodke profile image

Karen Wodke 6 years ago from Midwest Author

thank you Lindajot. I'm glad you enjoy them.

lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca

Metaphorically is a wondrous word, that's for sure.

One of my picks would have to be 'lobscouse,' but I rarely have a chance to use it. Pity.

Do check it out!! ;)

Karen Wodke profile image

Karen Wodke 6 years ago from Midwest Author

Lobsouse?? I am intrigued. I will have to look it up.

funride profile image

funride 6 years ago from Portugal

Oh Karen... where have you been? I`ve just found your hubs and already I can`t stop laughing :D

I`ll definitely read all your new hubs... now is time to read more of your very funny hubs ;)


Karen Wodke profile image

Karen Wodke 6 years ago from Midwest Author

Thanks, Funride!

Enlydia Listener profile image

Enlydia Listener 5 years ago from trailer in the country

I love this...I totally understand your humor...so cool.

Karen Wodke profile image

Karen Wodke 5 years ago from Midwest Author

Thanks, Enlydia! I'm glad someone understands me.

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