"You Can't Have Something good happen, without something bad."
I've thought about it. Death. Killing myself. Suicide. I've thought, "What's the point in my life?" All i get is heartache, pain, hurt, for the one thing I want more than anything else in this world, in this life....Love. It seems every time its within my reach, it slips away from me. But what good would suicide do? Where would that get me? No where.
I swear, I have like THE worst luck in relationships. I always fall for the wrong guy, and the guys I know who would be good to me, I just have no interest in that way. And when I fall, I fall hard. When I love someone, I give my all. I just never seem to get anything in return. What little bit I do get, it gets taken away all too soon. Why can't I just be with someone and be happy? Why can't it last? I knew it was too good to be true. It always is. And here I am, I can't stop crying. Stuck in this depression, and I can't get out. I know a guy I could call up right now, who would want to date me. I know a few actually. But the one I want, the one that took it all away, they are the ones who never stay. Give up. Let go, so easily. When I'm holding on and fighting with all my might to keep it going. I know I'm not perfect. Why would anyone want to stay with me for so long? The longest relationship I had was a year and 8 months. My only 2 longest relationships ended in us always fighting and it just wasn't worth it anymore. I didn't really love them. I see that now. At a point I may have, but not like I love him, and not like i loved the one before him. The 2 guys I can say I truly loved are the ones who hurt me the most, the ones who let me down. But what did I expect? It was bound to happen sooner or later. You can't have something good happen, without something bad. And the good could have been better, I f***ed that up. By being myself, By being the part of me that I hate. By being jealous, insecure, doubtful. But I guess I had a reason to be, because look at where I am now. Or maybe if I wasn't like that, maybe if I actually believed, it would have lasted. Or I would just be more hurt than what I already am. I set myself up for the fall, so maybe that's why I'm still standing. Its f***ed up how things in life and love happen. And sadly enough, this was my second chance, and I blew it. Yes, I blew it. Put all the blame on me, its all my fault. For wanting anything more than he did. For falling for someone I know is just a walking crisis, and I am a walking disaster that falls head first into him. But I would do it every time. I would take that step, to be one step closer to having him be mine. But he never will be mine. He doesn't have it in him. He doesn't want it. He doesn't want me. It doesn't matter to him, if I'm around. He doesn't care if he loses me. but I didn't want to lose him, not again. And that's exactly what I did, but how can you lose something you never had?
I thought writing this, would help me, make me feel better. Maybe I want him to read it and understand, and feel bad. Maybe I just want him to come back to me. Well, I do want him to come back to me. Be the way we were before I let jealousy get the best of me, before I acted stupid. But I know that's not the only problem. Im not the only problem. You can't make someone happy, if they don't want you to. You can't force someone to love or be with you, and he may have said he loved me, but its not how I love him. and it probably never will be. So why can't I just give up, let go? Why can't it be easy? Knowing how he is, knowing how he will always be, knowing this is not what he needs, not what he wants. Why do I keep lying to myself that there's hope, that he'll come around? Hes young, he doesn't know what he wants. But if its this hard to decide if you want me now, why would you want me later? I waited a year already for him to come around. I gave him up once, and Im forced to do it again. I don't want to. I don't want it to be over, but what else can I do? I put my heart out there, I took the risk, I tried. And I failed. We failed, just like he said we would. I was just another girl, failed attempt to steal his heart, and Im probably the only one who would never break it. But that's just it, I don't get to him like he gets to me, Its the ones we love the most that can hurt us the most, well he doesn't love me most at all, I don't get under his skin, and I don't make him crazy, he doesn't think about me all the time and he wont miss me....All the things that he does to me.
So, I'll grin, and grit my teeth. I'll be your friend if that's what you want me to be. Nothing more. Though it'll tear me up inside to be anything less...than what I was. Whatever that was. I don't even know. You're guilt trip, your pity party, you're good deed for the day. The real reason you even tried you say. Not because you liked me, not because you loved me, because you felt bad. You never gave me the opportunity. You're heart was never in it. Mines was all in, and I just lost. Out of the game. Nothing left to lose. I suck at gambling. I suck at love. I never win. I fall flat on my face. But I always get up for more abuse, just to try it once again. Maybe one day my luck will change, maybe one day I'll find what Im looking for. Maybe one day I'll win this game. But how long does one have to keep trying, before I end up like him and just stop? But he wont stop, another pretty face will come along, someone "better" than me, someone he actually wants, and I'll be devastated. Nothing I say or do will change his mind. He'll forget all about me. It'll never be me. Im just not enough, not what he wants. When I want him so bad. We always want what we can't have, like I said, its f***ed up how things in life and love happen. Most of the time it just makes no sense. Why put someone in my life if they are just going to walk away? Why bother trying, if you know its not going to work? Nothing will work, as long as you think that way. If you believe something is going to fail right at jump start then it probably will. because you're not putting in effort, because you're not giving it your all, because you're not really trying because you're setting yourself up for fall, just like I did. And we fell. apart. Only difference is I still want to fix it. put it back together. Do it all over again. With you. I want to be with you. and I don't know if for the rest of my life, I don't think that far ahead. I just want to be with you now. Right now. The little bit of effort and trying you did give, was enough for me. You're enough for me. I only wish it mattered to you.
So, what do I do now, with another broken heart? Where do I go from here, when every where I want to be is with you? and that's every where I cant be...
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