"You Can't Have Something good happen, without something bad."

     I've thought about it. Death. Killing myself. Suicide. I've thought, "What's the point in my life?" All i get is heartache, pain, hurt, for the one thing I want more than anything else in this world, in this life....Love. It seems every time its within my reach, it slips away from me. But what good would suicide do? Where would that get me? No where.

    I swear, I have like THE worst luck in relationships. I always fall for the wrong guy, and the guys I know who would be good to me, I just have no interest in that way. And when I fall, I fall hard. When I love someone, I give my all. I just never seem to get anything in return. What little bit I do get, it gets taken away all too soon. Why can't I just be with someone and be happy? Why can't it last? I knew it was too good to be true. It always is. And here I am, I can't stop crying. Stuck in this depression, and I can't get out. I know a guy I could call up right now, who would want to date me. I know a few actually. But the one I want, the one that took it all away, they are the ones who never stay. Give up. Let go, so easily. When I'm holding on and fighting with all my might to keep it going. I know I'm not perfect. Why would anyone want to stay with me for so long? The longest relationship I had was a year and 8 months. My only 2 longest relationships ended in us always fighting and it just wasn't worth it anymore. I didn't really love them. I see that now. At a point I may have, but not like I love him, and not like i loved the one before him. The 2 guys I can say I truly loved are the ones who hurt me the most, the ones who let me down. But what did I expect? It was bound to happen sooner or later. You can't have something good happen, without something bad. And the good could have been better, I f***ed that up. By being myself, By being the part of me that I hate. By being jealous, insecure, doubtful. But I guess I had a reason to be, because look at where I am now. Or maybe if I wasn't like that, maybe if I actually believed, it would have lasted. Or I would just be more hurt than what I already am. I set myself up for the fall, so maybe that's why I'm still standing. Its f***ed up how things in life and love happen. And sadly enough, this was my second chance, and I blew it. Yes, I blew it. Put all the blame on me, its all my fault. For wanting anything more than he did. For falling for someone I know is just a walking crisis, and I am a walking disaster that falls head first into him. But I would do it every time. I would take that step, to be one step closer to having him be mine. But he never will be mine. He doesn't have it in him. He doesn't want it. He doesn't want me. It doesn't matter to him, if I'm around. He doesn't care if he loses me. but I didn't want to lose him, not again. And that's exactly what I did, but how can you lose something you never had?

     I thought writing this, would help me, make me feel better. Maybe I want him to read it and understand, and feel bad. Maybe I just want him to come back to me. Well, I do want him to come back to me. Be the way we were before I let jealousy get the best of me, before I acted stupid. But I know that's not the only problem. Im not the only problem. You can't make someone happy, if they don't want you to. You can't force someone to love or be with you, and he may have said he loved me, but its not how I love him. and it probably never will be. So why can't I just give up, let go? Why can't it be easy? Knowing how he is, knowing how he will always be, knowing this is not what he needs, not what he wants. Why do I keep lying to myself that there's hope, that he'll come around? Hes young, he doesn't know what he wants. But if its this hard to decide if you want me now, why would you want me later? I waited a year already for him to come around. I gave him up once, and Im forced to do it again. I don't want to. I don't want it to be over, but what else can I do? I put my heart out there, I took the risk, I tried. And I failed. We failed, just like he said we would. I was just another girl, failed attempt to steal his heart, and Im probably the only one who would never break it. But that's just it, I don't get to him like he gets to me, Its the ones we love the most that can hurt us the most, well he doesn't love me most at all, I don't get under his skin, and I don't make him crazy, he doesn't think about me all the time and he wont miss me....All the things that he does to me.

     So, I'll grin, and grit my teeth. I'll be your friend if that's what you want me to be. Nothing more. Though it'll tear me up inside to be anything less...than what I was. Whatever that was. I don't even know. You're guilt trip, your pity party, you're good deed for the day. The real reason you even tried you say. Not because you liked me, not because you loved me, because you felt bad. You never gave me the opportunity. You're heart was never in it. Mines was all in, and I just lost. Out of the game. Nothing left to lose. I suck at gambling. I suck at love. I never win. I fall flat on my face. But I always get up for more abuse, just to try it once again. Maybe one day my luck will change, maybe one day I'll find what Im looking for. Maybe one day I'll win this game. But how long does one have to keep trying, before I end up like him and just stop? But he wont stop, another pretty face will come along, someone "better" than me, someone he actually wants, and I'll be devastated. Nothing I say or do will change his mind. He'll forget all about me. It'll never be me. Im just not enough, not what he wants. When I want him so bad. We always want what we can't have, like I said, its f***ed up how things in life and love happen. Most of the time it just makes no sense. Why put someone in my life if they are just going to walk away? Why bother trying, if you know its not going to work? Nothing will work, as long as you think that way. If you believe something is going to fail right at jump start then it probably will. because you're not putting in effort, because you're not giving it your all, because you're not really trying because you're setting yourself up for fall, just like I did. And we fell. apart. Only difference is I still want to fix it. put it back together. Do it all over again. With you. I want to be with you. and I don't know if for the rest of my life, I don't think that far ahead. I just want to be with you now. Right now. The little bit of effort and trying you did give, was enough for me. You're enough for me. I only wish it mattered to you.

     So, what do I do now, with another broken heart? Where do I go from here, when every where I want to be is with you? and that's every where I cant be...

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Comments 17 comments

Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS

What you do is you DO something else besides bemoan what you know is so. That's what. Choose to do something positive no matter how insignificant it is. Even writing - but write about something else. You write well about the gloomy stuff - but wait to write that till when you're no longer allowing it to control and fill you. Then you'll be able to understand it without being its servant.

When you glue your attention to the most negative thing, it takes over. It's honestly not love - it's addiction to this torture. Let go of it. Start right now to just let go of it, to not "put it up to your lips" - as the kid told his Dad who couldn't seem to quit smoking: "daddy - just don't put it up to your lips". We do those things to ourself. They don't do them.

Real LOVE fills you with joy - even if the other person can't feel the same back! To be capable of loving is pure joy and to love someone enough to be happy for him to go on and do whatever it is he needs or wants to do - makes you happy if what you feel is truly LOVE. What you are feeling is ache, remorse, some bitterness, a lot of self-pity with a touch of self-hatred. Those feelings are real but they're not love and they are what is being cultivated. Call them over and done with and find something positive to DO to get your mind off it and onto something more fulfilling - if it's no more than basketweaving, for goshsakes! YOU are too valuable to let this obsession pull you down!!

It may hurt to do it. It's become your whole consciousness - but there are strong glimmers of real desire to sweep it out and get on with a LIFE. It does not HAVE to have another person in it to be a life - but when another person sees a fine, beautiful, self-confident gal with LIFE going on - and radiating out - he will be blown away. Will he be one of the empty-hearted types you've been allowing yourself to want and allowing them to take and give nothing back? Probably not, unless one of those types has waked up to the fact that they are zombies walking around with no real LIFE going on in them, around them or coming from them!!! Do you really prefer that kind of a person to occupy your thoughts and steak away your life? You have so much more potential life in you, Nikki! But if you pour all this crap over it, it can't get a foothold. Pour LIFE over the crap and smother it. LOL Let yourself get really engrossed in something you can DO which doesn't reject you!

Whatever you do, don't attempt to straighten the other person out while you're in such a twist and turmoil. The other person will have to find his own path out of any hell he's in. If you try to pull him up - you'll both sink and he'll probably get back up and leave you stuck. You are smarter than that!!

If someone truly perceives you and loves you, there will be no reason to be jealous. And if he doesn't, there is really no reason to be jealous! Jealousy is a poisonous emotion which feeds on itself and consumes its host. It has NOTHING to do with love or lack of love. What it's saying, in essence, is that someone SHOULD love you the way you demand to be loved & if not, you're no good & they're no good and also to blame. Hogwash!! Where's any LOVE in that?

And maybe those guys who do seem to want you whom you don't find alluring would be good for you & maybe not. They're individuals with degrees of maturity too. They may just be needy. They may harbor jealousy. Or they may really be your Prince Charmings. At this stage you aren't seeing clearly enough to judge it anyway and you don't like you well enough to understand why they might. If they are mature and know how to really love they'd just see that you have some growin' to do before you can meet them as equals in the love department. So you're not yet ready to recognize or accept a good love yet, though it is your greatest desire as weel as what you deserve - when you get past this negative pit you've dug yourself and redirect your attention elsewhere. Fall in love with Nikki to learn what it means to love. You won't feel any jealousy if she truly falls in love with someone because you'll really love her enough to want that for her and let her have it.

The first love you need to find is your love for yourself!

Don't even think of trying to find another person till you've found yourself, till you know yourself, love yourself and realize how much you really have to offer - because you've practiced it on yourself!!


Nikkij504gurl profile image

Nikkij504gurl 6 years ago from Louisiana Author

i do love myself, i just dislike certain parts of me. how i can get sometimes, but i accept my flaws and i work to better myself. and i do love him that's why Im much happier with him, and if i have to be just a friend then i can do that for him, i just want him to be happy i really don't care what happens to me as long as hes happy i can be happy for him, im capable of stepping aside and let him figure out what he wants on his own, and i will continue to live my life as well but this hub was just how i felt at the moment, i do feel all those feelings you stated but i also still feel joy whenever hes around and whenever he talks to me, it just brings back the bad feelings when he goes away. only time will tell what will come out of this mess


Nikkij504gurl profile image

Nikkij504gurl 6 years ago from Louisiana Author

perhaps i am addicted to this torture... ive often wondered that myself...if i like being this way, sad, depressed. crying...but when i think about it, the answer is no i don't. i hate it, i want to be happy. i want the fairy tale happy ending! i want true love, its so hard to come by these days. and ive had so many failed relationships and guys who screwed me over its hard to believe when i get something good cuz it usually ends before it even began.


Micky Dee profile image

Micky Dee 6 years ago

Just be the child of God. Be you my Dear!

Guard your heart.

Be slow to grow.

Be still and know.

And take the LIGHT,

Wherever you go,


tlmntim9 6 years ago

The only one who can hurt you is someone you love. I am 51 now, and I just found the love of my life. I was much like you, always hurt, always loosing. But love is like fruit on low branches, it's there just waiting to be tasted but a bit sour when not fully ripe.

Tim W

Tlmntim9


Nikkij504gurl profile image

Nikkij504gurl 6 years ago from Louisiana Author

thanks tlmntim9...does that stand for tall man tim? yes its the ones we love the most that can hurt us the most, but if they love as back just as much then they shouldn't cuz we are what they love the most and we have the ability to hurt them just as much as they can hurt us. and I do believe my wait is also over. at least i hope. Ive found someone worth waiting for and my luck he ended up moving back to alabama to get back on his feet and i have to wait (different kind of waiting) for him to move back here and we can have a life together. nothing is guaranteed but i can believe and he really is different than every other guy ive been with, i know he wont do me wrong and I actually wanna be with him, someone good for me for once, just hope I don't f*** it up lol


Chuck RitenouR profile image

Chuck RitenouR 6 years ago from Front Royal, Virginia

I can identify with this. I read Eckhart Tolle and reread Eckhart Tolle and when I think the world is going to crush me, I read Eckhart Tolle. Just trying to stay in the present and not focus on the past while not looking too far into the future.


Nikkij504gurl profile image

Nikkij504gurl 6 years ago from Louisiana Author

thanks chuck. im gonna look into Eckhart tolle now.


anna 5 years ago

every word i read i felt ur pain bcuz this is exactly what im going through. i feel the same way as you.


Nikkij504gurl profile image

Nikkij504gurl 5 years ago from Louisiana Author

thanx anna, im sorry u had to feel that way, i hope things are better for you now seeing as its been 4 weeks since u commented and im just now checking my hubpages lol, just remember things happen for a reason, that reason may not always be clear but in the end it will make sense and you will be in a better happier place, u just have to be patient and believe but God will get you there, as long as your willing to go the distance and never give up on the things you love and wat you want in life. it may not be exactly what you want, but it will be something better. don't take it for granted. cherish it. cuz you could have nothing.


Fay Paxton 5 years ago

Oh Nikki, this grabbed my heart. I am not trying to promote my work, but when you have a chance, please go read my "Learning the Truth about Death". No one could have ever convinced me life was worth living, but somehow I made it. I promise you will be fine.

http://hubpages.com/hub/LearningaboutDeath


Nikkij504gurl profile image

Nikkij504gurl 5 years ago from Louisiana Author

yes i will check it out. and yes i know i am fine and with a much better person.


sligobay profile image

sligobay 5 years ago from east of the equator

Thanks for a great article and sharing your pain. I've read Tolle as well and say it can't hurt. Nellieanna is very wise and offers sound advice. Hang in there.


Nikkij504gurl profile image

Nikkij504gurl 5 years ago from Louisiana Author

thanks sligo. that's still on my to do list lol and yes nelli gave me a lot of good advice, shes a wise lady.


snigdhal profile image

snigdhal 4 years ago from hyderabad - India

great writing ! its like the words flow straight from your heart/mind .

Its uncanny how much i can relate the past me to the you who wrote this. Ive always wanted what i knew wouldn't last, wanting to change the inevitable .Never falling for 'nice' men who want me truly and falling hard for the men least likely or incapable of giving back ..maybe subconsiously we see it as a challenge ..probably really unhealthy ..but fun as long as you can pick yourself up after it . Me ? i've reached the point where if it happens one more time i probably wont be able to get up . So from now on no more ' misters i know your wrong and i can make you right '. No more putting up with the inadequacies of another because Im overconfident or underconfident .. I guess i'm just rambling now ..

But yes the ability to fall in love absolutely and completely is fantastic and probably even more than that when its with someone who has the ability to give as much as he takes :)

voted up !

attaching a poem i wrote along similar lines. Maybe you ll take the time to read it :)

insensibilites

Placing hope where there can be none,

seems like such a brave thing to do,

hope will wither away , a lot will be lost,

just more jadedness and cynicisim amassed.

It's not bravery, infact the opposite,

setting myself up for hurt and waste,

led by needs i knew wouldn't be fulfilled,

before it began, my own sympathy i could taste.

A dead end detour on the road of life,

nothing learnt , no lasting ties.

Why did i when i already knew ?

Why did i when i could have just passed you by?

Why do we do the things we do?

When the blind could see how things will end,

the answer isn't weakness or temptation,

not mistakes , jus insensibilities to contend.


Nikkij504gurl profile image

Nikkij504gurl 4 years ago from Louisiana Author

Call me miss insenible then lol. Yea this is from a time in my past too. I am at a point where I am happy with who i am and I don't need a guy to make me happy. I am done chasing butterflies that fly away in the wind. Give me a caterpillar instead, someone who will chase me til the end. some who will stay. Im done getting hurt over guys that just arent worth it, and if they are worth it then they wouldn't hurt me in the first place. Ive learned a lot from my past and failed romances. and my heart has finally hardened and realized that I shouldn't let myself keep getting hurt over it. I am a very emotional person so i got hurt easily, but my heart is no longer an emotional parasite. I wrote a poem explaining all this recently but it is on my facebook. Do you have facebook?


ahorseback profile image

ahorseback 14 months ago

Nikki , I know this was a while ago , But I have felt the same at times in my life , it took me a long time to realize that the WAY that I related to women was all wrong for me . I Kind of a suffered some twisted needs , if you will . now as I've aged I realize most of it was my own fault . I acted too needy , too eager to please , to willing to accept to little for me , anyways , you bared your soul here and I hope all is well now . Right Now is what most important . Hugs for you!.......Ed

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