You Don't Understand...A poem

It’s hard to know what to say to someone who has been through the traumatic experience of rape, to find the right words to express support or concern can be very difficult for some and not so hard for others. But being a survivor of rape one of the things I found the most difficult to accept from those around me was the word “Understand” Yet ironically it was the very thing I was desperately searching for, not making it easy for those around me as I responded with a lot of unexplained anger.

This poem was written shortly after my assault and has only been lightly touched up before sharing here.

 

 You Don’t Understand

 

Don’t tell me that you understand

Your words, simply self-satisfying lies

As you try and take me by the hand

I don’t want to see the pity in your eyes

 

How could you possible know the pain?

Unless you too have been held down tight

To drown in humiliation and shame

Desperate to reach the safety of the light

 

You don’t understand the agony

Of having your pleas for mercy fall on deaf ears

To be left soiled and bloody

On a concrete floor covered only in tears

 

Don’t tell me that you know

Unless you have scrubbed yourself clean

Bruised and broken from a strangers ego

Every inch of you forever dirty and obscene

 

 

You have no possible idea of how I feel

The wounds go much deeper then you can see

I still can’t imagine that it is all real

Or why it happened to me

 

 

Don’t tell me that you fathom

What is to be terrified by a dark street?

 Or to always see the worse outcome

With every man that you meet

 

How could you possibly comprehend?

The torture every night as I sleep

The nightmares that grip me with no end

No matter how many tears I may weep

 

You so don’t know the horror

Of having your world totally shattered

Or not recognizing your own face in the mirror

Your life and soul forever altered

 

 

May you never understand or know

The torture that has consumed my life

The never-ending shame and sorrow

That cuts my soul sharper than a knife

 

So please don’t say, you understand

And please know why, I don’t want your pity

Give me sympathy and love as you help me to stand

As I try to find what is left of me…

Comments 96 comments

tnderhrt23 profile image

tnderhrt23 5 years ago

nighthag, reading this made my heart weep! Not in pity, but Truth, for me often brings tears. Your clarity, honesty, and courage are truly inspirational. You are so right, unless someone has been there, they can never know. I am sorry this terrible thing happened to you but through your verse you give comfort, compassion and insight. You are a stong woman of character and heart, and a survivor!I am in awe!


tlmntim9 5 years ago

GB dear!


samiaali profile image

samiaali 5 years ago

Hello nighthag, This is a very important poem, and I am glad that you wrote it. I think it is important to express how you feel. As tnderhrt23 said, unless someone has been there, they cannot really know how you feel. I too, am very sorry that you were the victim of such a terrible attack. I agree that you are strong. I truly hope that you can get through this.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa

We don’t believe others are able to understand our emotional pain, because BEFORE we became victims we were not victims. We could imagine ourselves in the shoes of a rapist’ victim, or any other kind of a victim, but when we became victims ourselves, we realized that we did not have the clue of a cat what it was all about.

There is an enormous difference between experiencing something in reality and experiencing something in your imagination. So the moral of the story – rather say nothing, and remember all the victim needs is enough love and support until she/he overcomes the feeling that she/he is not worthy of any love and respect.

You poem touched my heart, nighthag. May you soon master the ability to live with your memories. You will never forget it... it will always pain.... you just have to live with it, like a person lives without a leg or an arm. Best wishes from me to you.


acaetnna profile image

acaetnna 5 years ago from Guildford

My goodness how awful and what a truly devastating experience. Your words were so incredible and I could feel through your words the terrifying experience of this person. You are gifted with the way you use words.


leni sands profile image

leni sands 5 years ago from UK

A brave poem. An honest and courageous sharing...jogged a memory.

Sometimes you can block it out for a short while but then something happens to remind you, triggering unexpected and unwanted emotions. You start pushing away all those that have been kind to you or you have formed friendship with, your boyfriend doesn't understand why you kick off the way you do, when you try to explain, it doesn't come out right so in the end you push him away as well. You try to push it out of your mind again for the sake of all around but you can't forget and so you finish the relationship before they finish with you. It's hard to hold a relationship together!

I have been with my man for 25 years now and I have tried hard to forget about the event that happened in my teens, and my self-destructive life drowned in drink and a searching for a Mr Right until about 18 months before he and I met. He still has a hard time understanding how I 'let it happen' - 'How I must have 'asked for it'. It is hard for someone to understand. Sometimes I think about it and even I don't understand. I was 15, went to my first ever Christmas party and no I wasn't drunk, the party was for young teens - it was organised by responsible adults and there was no alcohol on the premises. I innocently walked from the party (alone) to meet the taxi that was to take me home, it was less than 5 minutes away but I didn't reach my destination. The taxi driver (a family friend) found me a little later - worried that I was late. I was in a bit of a mess and crying. It took me 10 years to tell anyone what happened - the taxi driver suspected and tried to encourage me to go to police but it happened at a time when the victim was to blame. He never mentioned it to me again nor anyone else. Rape stays with you for life, it destroys families and relationships.

I am very happy with my man. We don't talk about it. Its forgotten!?! I haven't drank alcohol for 25 years - I write instead. I'm 50 this year.

Did writing it give you therapy?

I think reading it has helped immensely.

Thank you for sharing.


Denise Handlon profile image

Denise Handlon 5 years ago from North Carolina

Nighthag-found you following me. Thank you, b/c it allowed me to meet you. Your poem is touching and beautiful. Well said. I've never been raped. I can only imagine the horror. Thank you for having the courage to share such an intimate part of your life. God Bless. I look forward to reading more of your work.


SilentReed profile image

SilentReed 5 years ago from Philippines

Several months ago I came upon an article entitled "The empty feeling inside me" by a fellow hubber who calls herself "moondancer".I am reminded of her story as I read your poem and their similarities.Only those who have suffered the same fate can truly understand what really goes on inside..one's heart and mind. I felt then as I feel now that any comment I make would be inadequate.A poem I wrote"Moondancer and the glass princess" better express my admiration for her as well as you and others for your courage in revealing and sharing your past ordeal.The healing process will take time and much love and understanding.With friends and love ones the journey becomes easier.


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia Author

tnderhrt23,

Thank you so much for your very kinds words, Finding true understanding felt almost impossible for me for the longest time after my attack, making me very angry the more I heard others false understanding of what they thought rape was.

I was very nervous about posting this, but your words give me some hope that maybe by putting these words into the light it may help someone else as they struggle with this in their own life. Again thank you for your words, they have soothed my heart somewhat


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia Author

tlmntim9 , thankyou for you support...

samiaali,

Thank you so much! when it was written it was a lonely angry cry that no body has read until it was posted here.

It has been some years since the attack and I am now doing much better, I was however surprised at the depth of emotion it has brought back to the surface, (hence why it has taken me a while to get back to you all) I do however believe and hope that it is the last step in my healing process as I set them free in the hope that it may bring comfort to even one heart.

Thank you so much for heartfelt words, they mean a lot...


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia Author

MartieCoetser, It is a sad truth that the only ones who can understand pain like this, are the ones who have experienced it. imagination and empathy can only go so far and should never be forced.

It has been some years since my attack, and now there are more good days then bad, but it will be with me forever you are right in that, but I am hoping to find some sort of peace by sharing this experince, no matter how nervous it makes me. Thank you for your heart felt words and support it means a lot to me.


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia Author

acaetnna, sadly this poem was written a few years ago from personal experince touched up a little bit for hubpages.(had to take the swearing out) Thank you so much for taking the time to read it, strange how some of our best works comes from the times we have hurt the most. Thank you again for your kind words :)


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia Author

leni sands,

I feel your pain in every word you left, and I know the shock of having the floodgates of memory reopened, Your story is similar to mine in a lot of ways,Both of us on our way home, and attacked in the night we thought safe.

My heart breaks over the fact that you had to try and heal through this on your own,

It can be very hard for those who love us to understand what rape truly is, (even harder 25 plus years ago) But we have to hold strong to ourselves that it was Never our fault, the only blame there is falls solely with our rapist.

It saddens me for you, to hear that your husband struggles to understand this for you. Having empathy can go a long way to healing when we are able to accept it.

When I first wrote this poem it was for my private use, the only therapy that seemed to work, Having put them away when I had children I was surprised at the depth of emotion that rereading them stirred in me again, and for the last few months I have worked up the courage to start posting them here on hubpages,

It has been a very freeing experince to let these poems go from my heart, to share them here (scream in the night was the first one) has been scary but worth it.

I am deeply humbled that my poem touched your heart, And I am honoured that you choose to share your story here with me, it has brought tears to my eyes and hope to my heart that by sharing our experiences and pain we not only help ourselves heal but others as well. thank you so much!


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia Author

Denise Handlon,

Thank you so much, it was hard to press the post button I will admit, but very worth it, I am a bit overwhelmed by the wonderful heartfelt support I have received from everybody. so will leave this with a simple thank you for taking the time to read and understand where i was coming from with this poem, it means a lot...


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia Author

SilentReed

It is a hard thing to explain to someone how deeply the act of rape harms, and most will never understand fully

Thank you for your comment and support I will of course seek out moondancers article and yours. Thank you so much for your very thoughtful words...


Doug Turner Jr. 5 years ago

Very difficult subject to write about -- nearly impossible -- but you do it well. I guess it takes a writer from the underworld to be able to capture such darkness on the page. I could see this poem appearing in magazines and forums that deal with tough issues. Well done.


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia Author

Thanks Doug, not the easiest piece I have ever written, but the truth is always hard.

It would bring me a lot of comfort to think that my poem would be able to help others, thank you for all your support


always exploring profile image

always exploring 5 years ago from Southern Illinois

I won't say that i understand because i don't,but i will say that i'm so sorry that this horrible act happened to you and leni too.I've found that writing helps heal the past.Thank you for sharing.

Cheers


saddlerider1 profile image

saddlerider1 5 years ago

Many words have been shared above and I for one can only say I FELT your pain, anger, loss and sadness. I to am very familiar with the subject of abuse and I am glad you let it out here on the hubs, I feel it necessary from time to time to bare my soul as you have read.

I pray for peace in your soul and that life has improved for you and that your spiritual growth has comforted you these past years. peace and hugs from me to you.


Karanda profile image

Karanda 5 years ago from Australia

There is little to say in response to such an expression of emotion. Your honesty and courage in sharing your story is admirable. Thoughts are with you.


Stigma31 profile image

Stigma31 5 years ago from Kingston, ON

Wow, this poem is very powerful. I am honestly at a loss for words. Which is probably a good thing.


Rosie2010 profile image

Rosie2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada

Oh my dear nighthag, I'm so sorry for what happened to you. You put it down in writing that we understand how deeply hurt and humiliated you had been feeling. I won't dare say I understand how you must have felt, I could just imagine and it would not even come close. What a heart wrenching poem.. full of anger, frustration and sorrow.

You are wonderful,

Rosie


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia Author

always exploring, thank you for your support,sharing this has brought some healing I wasn't expecting so yes I cant agree with you more writing is a great help to dealing with pain...

My dear saddlerider1

It was a very hard thing to consider sharing, as I am sure you empathize, but I do feel that by my posting it, baring my soul and pain that I have found a way to finally set the anger and pain free from me, and maybe offer someone else the understanding I was so desperately in need of myself.

The years that have passed have not been pain free, but time and love can bring a lot of healing, thank you so much for your support and empathy, your courage in your own writing has been very inspiring to me


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia Author

Karanda

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and offer your support, it all means a lot...

Stigma31

Thank you for support, It was a little nerve racking to post such a personal piece, but the support of yours and other comments, has made it a very healing process for me...thank you


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia Author

rosie

It was a very hard time in my life, and a pain I wish no woman (or man) to ever experince, but sadly it does happen and I was shyly hoping my sharing this i could give others a deeper insight to not only what it did to me, but how other survivors may possibly be feeling. I have been amazed by the response it has received and overwhelmed by the support from every one.

Thank you so so much for your kind words, they really do mean a lot to me


christy jacob profile image

christy jacob 5 years ago from Kerala, India

nighthag, I must say that this really a touching one.

The way you used the words are in a prefect way to express the feeling of being raped..Keep it up..


LedToolZ profile image

LedToolZ 5 years ago from Memphis, TN

very powerful and real piece...i have respect for you because you wrote about yours. i never could write about mine..maybe because i couldnt bare to relive it, i dunno..you have inspired me to let myself come out..thank you. excellent job!


attemptedhumour profile image

attemptedhumour 5 years ago from Australia

I simply cannot understand how a male can do such a terrible thing. Germaine Greer said that 'all' men are capable of this vile crime. She is very wrong, too many men yes, but the majority would surely understand the consequences inflicted upon such a person. Your words are so important. The penalties for this horrible act are far too lenient and alas too many people remain unpunished. As is stated above your words will help other people to better understand the enormity of this situation and hopefully by writing this poem it may help a little on the road ahead. You have many concerned followers and hopefully that will bring some solace to you. All the very best from a fellow Aussie.


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia Author

christy jacob,

thank you so much for taking the time to read this,

this is a poem that wrote itself many years, but sometimes it can be hard to get real emotion across

so thankyou

LedToolZ

thank you so much, it took me a very long to reach this place where I am now willing to share this, but the first step is coming out with it, I know how hard that can be and I am touched to have helped inspire you to take that important step toward healing for yourself, I wish you all the best and you are in my thoughts ((hugs))


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia Author

attemptedhumour,

there are many takes on the why a man chooses to commit this vile act, but the one I generally lean towards is a power and control, so i agree not every man is like this most having a stronger moral code, but unfortunately enough are.

Thank you, its an unexpected honour to have my words considered important, I just wanted to share my experince and maybe broaden others understanding a little bit

I have been very blessed and humbled by the comments here, and its gone a long way to making this process of sharing so much easier(hopefully not just for me)

thank you for your kind thoughtful words they all mean a lot to me


Jaggedfrost profile image

Jaggedfrost 5 years ago

A tissue to my tortured friend

a hand, hug

though both in vein

a stranger in the night I am

perhaps as strange as any you meet

and see them with haunted eyes

whether anything happen or no

and still in the night I offer much

comfort, repulsive as it is, and love

I might not feel much of the last

my heart having its own deep wounds

but from one hell to another

places of torment special in nature

calibrated to last forever in the mind

twas a time ago

but I venture, it would be yesterday

were the venue close

the conditions right

and the night would live again.

know that they cant touch your spirit

it is worthy all the same

with words like yours

others will take umbrage

and let your witness of healing in.


pan1974 profile image

pan1974 5 years ago from Columbus,Ga

When I read your poem, I could feel your words. You are a strong woman.


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia Author

Jaggedfrost,

a simple thank you doesn't seem enough to your beautiful heartfelt poem, but I shall try, thank you for the understanding the pain expressed here, your words brought a lot of comfort to my heart which I will always appreciate...

pan1974,

thank you so much, strength of will is one of the things that no one can take from you, I reminded myself of that a lot in the first year of recovery.

thank you for taking the time to read this and leave your thoughts, I really am grateful


epigramman profile image

epigramman 5 years ago

....which proves that the real monsters of society are not the werewolves and vampires of our imagination and our minds but they are the humans who commit these heinous crimes - but the story here - is you - and these personal terms in which you've had to deal with - if there is light at the end of your tunnel - then I think you are finding it here - by writing about your real-life nightmare - and sharing it with your readers here at the Hub. We support you and love you for your courage and your strong will to carry on .......may all of your tomorrows be sunny and bright because you certainly deserve it!


blink4567 5 years ago

Night hag,

Your words are more than emotion.

May god bless you in your recovery. One day you will see the light again.


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia Author

epigramman, horror stories have been used for all time, i believe, to explain away the horrific deeds of humans. we are our worst enemies in so many ways and sometimes it is easier to deal with a fictional monster then face the real thing next to us.

The overwhelming response that I have received since posting this has been both humbling and healing, to have touched hearts with these words, to share a little understanding with others and to receive such heartfelt support in return has been a blessing I wasn't expecting.

So thank you, kind sir for your words and thoughts, every day is better than the last...


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia Author

blink4567,

Thank you, I was really hoping that i got more than anger across with these words when I posted it, truth is sometimes harder to write then fiction.

Thank you so much for your kind encouraging words


Minnetonka Twin profile image

Minnetonka Twin 5 years ago from Minnesota

Dearest nighthag-I don't know how to thank you for your courage to share your story with us. I hope it brings some healing to you-I hope you know that you have brought much healing for others out there who have experienced this. Even if there is one person out there who feels alone in this and then read this-It is a gift you have given out.

I pray for peace and healing in your future.


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia Author

to touch others hearts is the hope of many writers but it has never been so strong for me until I posted this, thank you so much for taking the time to read and feel where I was coming from with this it means a great deal to me to know that others may find some comfort in these words of mine.

thank you


richtwf profile image

richtwf 5 years ago

To have come through such an ordeal is a testament to your strength of character and to share your experience with others is a brave act and one which will help others to understand that there are others who can understand their torment and feelings inside.

I can only imagine what it must feel like but nobody can truly know what it is like unless they've been through it. Those closest can and must stand by their loved ones in times of personal hardship and help and support them as they go through the healing process. Not easy for either party I can imagine.

Be strong and peace to you.


Michael Ray King profile image

Michael Ray King 5 years ago from Palm Coast, Florida

nighthag, thank you for the bravery it takes to post something so painful. In my life, I've never experienced anything like this, but one of my children recently revealed being raped at 5 years old. My child just recognized what happened 9 years ago was wrong. I can only hug and console and try to tell how much love there is in my heart. I knew I could not understand nor empathize enough. I immediately sought counseling and it is helping with my child's anger. One of the counselors had the same thing happen as a child, so I feel better about having someone who has experienced rape integral to the healing process.

I write a lot of poetry. Your poem holds power, critical information, sadness and touches of hope. My hope is that you find peace and the ability to walk again in confidence. I also hope your pain diminishes. This crime is heinous. You are brave. I count that a good sign.


jammy15 profile image

jammy15 5 years ago from New Delhi, India

absolutely awesome lyrics and emotions. Really make us feel the pain and agony of being in such a situation.

God bless you !


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia Author

richtwf

thank you so much for your kind words, it has helped me a lot to share this pain, to maybe give a little bit more understanding to those trying to support a close friend or family member struggling through this ordeal, to have touched so many people has been totally unexpected and I am both humbled and amazed by the support that has been offered here, its been a healing experince that I truly hope extends beyond just myself.

Thank you for taking the time to not only read my poem but to also leave such a thoughtful message


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia Author

Michael Ray King,

It breaks my heart to hear of your daughters pain,

but I can only commend you on your response towards her, by finding her counselling by not only a professional but someone who has walked a similar path can only aid her healing more.

I have come a long way since my attack, I am married with children and most days are good days, this event will always be with me but with the help of good councillors friends and family I have come to a place of acceptance, that has allowed me to move forward.

(I feel that sharing this poem and maybe others is one of the final and most healing part of my recovery)

Just by simply loving her no matter what, and letting her know you there to listen, vent at cry and sometimes have fun with is a great way to support her, but I feel that you are already doing all this.

my thoughts and hopes are with you both, during this time and I wish I could help more...


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia Author

jammy15,

thank you, I wanted to share the a glimpse into the world of rape survivor, I was at first worried that it might have been too raw, but I am glad I didn't tone it down too much.

thank you again


prasetio30 profile image

prasetio30 5 years ago from malang-indonesia

I can felt how pain is this. And I know it's hard to share our experience with others. But I thought this is good way to enlighten a burden on your shoulder. With many comments who support you. I believe you could get a new spirit and some motivation. Life must go on. Don't forget you have a bright future. Thanks for writing this. I believe you were surrounded by many people who always love you. I support you from the back. Love and peace,

Prasetio


jonihnj profile image

jonihnj 5 years ago from Metro New York

Nighthag, I just came across this poem. It is immensely power-filled. I hope that your ability to put words to and describe what happened to you will ultimately give you mastery over what happened to you, and with that, healing. This is truly an amazing poem. I will be sharing it with someone I know, a rape survivor, who I believe will appreciate it and gain power from it too.


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia Author

prasetio30 ,

thank you so much, it has been a very worthwhile experince sharing this here, I am glad that I finally summoned up the courage to post it and everyones support has been very kind and helpful, thank you again for support


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia Author

jonihnj

Writing out my pain was crucial to my healing, It was a way for me to express my hurt and rage without hurting anybody with how I felt. But by sharing it, I have discovered even more healing with the acceptance and support that this poem and I have found here, by knowing that it has touched a few hearts and maybe will again is means a lot to me and brings me a lot of peace.

I hope with all my heart that your friend finds some peace in her journey, and i can only wish that this poem may help in some way...


Wrath Warbone profile image

Wrath Warbone 5 years ago from Cleveland, Ohio

Terrific. Showed me a little of what it feels like afterward. didn't know victems felt all that until one day I heard a victem testify in court and it was played on the radio. She was a wreck, like I had never seen before, afterward and I guess forever. It is good to let people know about how you feel because some have no idea the extent of the damage it does to the person.


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia Author

wrath

It can be very hard to understand how one incident can have so much impact on a life, unless you have lived it.

thank you for taking the time to read this and to leave such a thoughtful comment, if this poem gives some degree of understanding to others that wouldn't normally have it, then I am very very blessed


Docmo profile image

Docmo 5 years ago from UK

Melancholic, beautiful and touching. There is so much bravery and courage in sharing this through these magical words that convey so much so elegantly. I salute you. Warm wishes.


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia Author

thank you so much for taking the time to read this poem, It has been a long journey to reach here, but I am very glad that I did, Thank you so much


chisom emmanuel profile image

chisom emmanuel 5 years ago from NIGERIA

i am sorry for what happen to you your poem made me feel it, i pray you find the strenght to forgive and let go. i pray that you can become a light to other through your pain. i pray the pain turns out to be a blessing to you that can overshadow your hurt. and i pray GOD bless you more. take good care of youself, your poem is beautiful.


akader profile image

akader 5 years ago from Algeria

I do share the core of the poem has been given a soul which feels and reacts to express the hard pain ,you have managed to make others feel your experience apart of that the sinner most of the time could not feel the brutality of his actions.another point the tracks that you have mentioned as blood,soil ,tears ,pain ;those words are main elements of human body and are so dear to man ,they are justifying evidences to accuse your offender who wanted to kill all that is dear to you .Your reaction to call others to feel or at least think of what you feel got the spot and your poem is overloaded with emotions .Eventhough what happened but you showed you are strong enough through your words and just have faith in ourselves .

Pleased to read yours


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia Author

chisom emmanuel,

Thank you, prayers are always welcome when offered in such a generous spirit, your empathy means a lot


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia Author

akader,

When I decided to share this, I wanted to give a glimpse of what rape survivors can feel and the devastating effect it can have, It is a crime that can destroy the soul and I am still not sure that I will ever be able to capture its true effect with words.

Thank you for your words, knowing that maybe I have made a small step in opening understanding about this crime and its survivors is a great comfort to me, I hate that this happened to me, but the ability to reach others and share the knowledge is more healing then I expected it to be and may be the silver lining that I have been looking for...

Again thanks for your kind support, it means a lot to me


vocalcoach profile image

vocalcoach 5 years ago from Nashville Tn.

Brave, courageous, truthful...You are this and so much more. Yes, much was inflected upon you and much was taken from you. But, by God, your beautiful soul and spirit were not touched. You, magnificent warrior, are an example of light and love. I send you a pair of warm, safe, protective arms wrapped around you in a field of pure flowers, soaking up God's tender love. I send to you a little bird, singing in its glory, reminding you that someday "it will be alright". I send you a full bright moon hovering over you and shedding enough light to help you find your way. And I send you a gentle breeze whispering "love that little child inside". While my heart breaks for you, my sould tells me, "oneday, nighthag will be whole again". You are a treasure!


CarolineVABC 5 years ago

Dear nighthag,

You are absolutely right that no one could fathom what has happened to you unless they have experienced the same thing. It was a very horrifying thing to go through and yet, you are so brave to talk about it, which is admirable. As a victim of physical assault, I was also terrified for a long time, especially at night when everyone's asleep. My son was only four years old (he's 14 now) when this had happened, but luckily, my mom-in-law and my "late" father-in-law stayed with us for two whole nights to comfort me-it was a very nice of them to do that, and yet, I knew that they could not protect me from harm all the time. It took me a while to trust my surroundings again, especially when we had an alarm system, which supposedly should have worked, but it didn't. My husband installed "doweling" on our windows, so that no one cannot be opened. The guy was extremely skinny and he fit into our kitchen window-if you can imagine that!!! It was also my birthday the following day, and I have already invited my family to celebrate my birthday. My husband did not want to have a party anymore because of what had happened and we have just reported it to the police and they put the "yellow" tag lines where the guy had entered our home. I've told my family about it when they visited me for my birthday. Although I will never forget that day, I am more aware of my surroundings and guys or drivers who try to follow me. Also, now that we have dowelings on all of our windows, I feel much safer. I am just wondering if you've ever sought counseling or have gone to a meeting with women who have gone through the same thing? It might help you deal with your anxiety and grief by counseling and comforting each other. Thank you very much for sharing your story, nighthag! Just remember that you are still who you are-a bright and intelligent human being who has made and touched the lives of others, just by sharing your story. Take care. Keep writing. God bless!


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia Author

vocalcoach,

thank you so much, you have a beautiful generous sprirt and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your sincere heartfelt words, rebuilding is hard but not impossable and I feel very blessed to have been given so much support here at hubpages....thank you


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia Author

CarolineVABC,

It touches my heart that you choose to share your story here along with me, The fear that comes after the assault can be so very hard to overcome, where everything can be a reminder, even more so in your situation and I can only imagine how hard it must have been for you, to face those reminders in your home.

that speaks to me of your courage and strength of will, and I know how hard it is to be strong, You are an amazing woman...

Yes I did seek out counselling, first I went to a professional psychologist as required by the court and found it useless, but I tried again a year later with a counselor of my choice, and I found that hugely helpful.

throughout the years I have met a few women who also experinced this awful crime, and the short conversions that I had while painful was also very soothing.

What I found the most helpful was a book called Lucky, written by Alice sebold her true and raw account of her experince. I read it a year or so after my rape and found it very very helpful, in just knowing that what I was feeling wasn't so wrong was a balm to my very injured heart.

every day is better than the last and with the love of my husband and family I have come a long way,

thank you so very much, I am very humbled that my poem touched your heart


W. K. Hayes profile image

W. K. Hayes 5 years ago from Bryson City, North Carolina

everyday, I wake up and remind myself of where I am. some days are harder than others but once I tell myself that I am safe and grown now, I seem to make it through the day, okay. Being abused in any form is wrong. Just keep reminding yourself, you are safe now although, do we ever really feel safe?


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia Author

I know how that can feel, The instant fear on waking as your brain struggles to separate nightmare from present fact,

I think once we have been shown how dark the world can be, we are forever aware of the dangers around us, the dangers that can be hidden by a smile. It can be hard to separate paranoia from real threat. Thanks for your thoughtful comment


abbykorinnelee profile image

abbykorinnelee 5 years ago from Ripon Wisconsin

I am not you, I will never truly understand for that reason. I do "understand" what emotions run through your mind, your inner soul, your being. What is taken from you in an act meant for control. I know what it makes you feel when people judge you or pity you or the look in their eyes. Making you feel hollow and void of innocence.

MAYBE ONE DAY THE LIGHT WILL COME ON

HIS FACE WILL FADE, MY INNOCENCE I LONG

MAYBE ONE DAY THE DARK WILL JUST FADE

HIS HANDS WON'T I FEEL, PEOPLE CAME TO AIDE

MAYBE ONE DAY I WILL REMEMBER WHAT WAS BEFORE

AND NOT LET A DAY CAUSE MY SOUL DIE MORE


abbykorinnelee profile image

abbykorinnelee 5 years ago from Ripon Wisconsin

MartieCoetser: I would like to say if you have experienced rape; before and after you are not anything but a person that experienced a horrible act and victim has no part in it. I am sorry but I was raped twice and have been molested. So, to say that I am a survivor, I have never been a victim.

Truth is I didn't handle it as most did and I do feel everything as they do. I refused to let somebody else take any part of me because of a physical act; I can still control what my soul, my mind, my heart etc is affected. I cried and yelled and everything under the sun. But I did everything I could to not let anything but positive come out of negative.

Next, I am reminded every day for the last twelve years. A ex husband who didn't want to know. I live not knowing for him to not know. It doesn't matter to anyone but me but should I have become a bigger victim than by choosing to end a life that didn't ask to be there? Who happens to be in the 100 percentile in a state testing of Math? Brilliant and talented and athletic that will contribute more to society then the best of me times ten?

I am not trying to upset anyone but I went through a horrible thing and I wish that more of us "victims" as is often referred would speak out and maybe I should more too; because I think that society is who makes us feel like we have to feel a certain way.

My mother accused me of lying and I was a whore that woke up in regret. I don't regret and I am no victim. Her reason I didn't report it to the cops. I didn't tell anyone until I had no choice. Truth is I had my reason. Truth is I knew the guy. Truth is I forgave him during the incident. Truth is he came to me later and face to face adimtted his crime and was doing so not to relieve his guilt but to let me know despite the who is it question; he was offering to be responisbile. He would have turned himself in. I said no. I asked him to do me one favor and that was to do something important. He runs a shelter for sexually abused women and teens. A program to find them services to help themselves feel they are no victim and teach them how to survive. Do you know he has never lied to anyone about what he did since either.

So tell me; who is the victim? In my eyes, the victim is who wants to be a victim.


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia Author

wow...

having understanding like that at any level is a real blessing, thank you

I too consider myself a survivor of rape and not a victim, but for me that process took time.

I am amazed at your strength, and your ability to forgive, but every attack is different and every healing process is individual.

I am also amazed at your attacker's ability to turn his crime into something positive, in your ability to bear and love a child... I can only applaud you in everything that you have done for yourself and others.

I too would love to see more "victims" reclaim their strength and become survivors of crime, but it is not always easy with rape being one of the most unreported crimes in most countries.

But by speaking out we can not only help others to heal and know they are not alone. but we can raise awareness about what rape is and the terrible harm it can have to a persons soul.

Thank you so much for sharing your story, its very inspiration to me, to see how you found your positives and I wish nothing but the best for you and yours...


Devliana profile image

Devliana 5 years ago from Marietta,Ga

Hey Nighthag! This poem touched me deep and made me release some long overdue tears. I think I can understand why you might like my poetry so much. You seem to share alot of the same darkness as I. I just wanted you to know that your writings touch peoples soul in a very gratifying way and I thank you so much for that :) Keep up the good work!


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia Author

thank you, I am glad to hear that this poem touched your heart, and I truly hope that in those tears you found some healing, I have always felt an empathy with your writing, and felt we came from similar places, so your words here really do mean a lot thank you so much


Moon Dancer 5 years ago

Hey nighthag :) I will start with giving you a "hug".

We both know and others who been out for it, how it is to go through something like this and I saw you had read my article and I found yours. I have found my way back to life and I have found the strength and the love to life again.

Stay strong and do know, that you have us here on HP.

I have been a lazy reader and writer for a while now, but I'm back :)

Peace and Love :)


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia Author

(hug) thank you so much for you kind encouraging words, hub pages has been a wonderful blessing to me, with so much support from here its hard not to feel a bit stronger within myself.

so glad to hear that things have improved for you, Finding love and allowing ourselves to laugh again is the best gift we can give to our souls...

looking forward to reading more from you in future, your article touched my heart and for that I thank you


Uni_te profile image

Uni_te 5 years ago

Wow, Nighthag.. This is so deep.. I have friends, a few of them, who are rape victims.. They're young, my age, and to have gone through something like that.. I'm so impressed that you've voiced the emotions that they must feel for what they've been through, and I thank you, for sharing such a beautiful - and personal - piece with us. Amazing.


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia Author

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this, it took some years to come to this place where I feel ready to share some of my story with others, I truly hope that it touches others hearts and shows just a small part of what effect rape can have...

It breaks my heart to hear of your friends, and I sincerely hope that know they are not alone in healing from this horror...


Nikkij504gurl profile image

Nikkij504gurl 5 years ago from Louisiana

uggh what i hate more than a person that abuses animals is a rapist. they should all burn in hell. theres no excuse for this kind of behavior and im sorry you had to go through that, i hope you fought as hard as you could, and im glad you told your story, keeping it all in is never good. and i hope they caught who did it.


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia Author

I agree, violence against women in any form is a terrible cowardly act, and rape is the worst attack a woman can live through, I did fight, I screamed and although I wasn't saved from the deed, He was caught that very night and spent six years in jail.

thank you so much for support with this


Nikkij504gurl profile image

Nikkij504gurl 5 years ago from Louisiana

well im glad, at least its over, and you survived, i know it might not seem like it, but it couuld have been a lot worse. and at least they caught the asshole, a lot of guys get away scott free.


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia Author

At times I thought death would have been preferable but I am grateful that with time, love and help I have (and am) healed.

I grieve for those women who don't receive the justice they so deserve, it goes a long way to helping one feel somewhat safe again


Nikkij504gurl profile image

Nikkij504gurl 5 years ago from Louisiana

thats understandable, but im glad you realized your life is more important, and definitely glad to hear that you've healed. yea my heart goes out to anyone that had to go through something like that. ugh people can be so cruel. and afterwards life can just seem so scary, my cousin recently had her house get shot up, her son and bfs 2 kids present, and luckily no one was hurt, but shes scared all the time now, and her son isnt even allowed back over there, but what we fail to realize is this kind of stuff can happen anytime, anywhere, to anyone. instead of living in fear, live each day to its fullest because you never know when it will be your last.


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia Author

one of the things that I found after my rape was a sense that I finally seen the world for what it was, a dark dangerous place ruled by violence and evil.

Experiencing this can make us question everything we believed about the world beforehand, its a hard thing to live fear, and even harder to break free of it. I wish your cousin and her family the very best, and I am sure with support and understanding she will in time reach a better place


Nikkij504gurl profile image

Nikkij504gurl 5 years ago from Louisiana

yes, i havent gone through anything like that but i know the world can be cruel, the people anyway, but there is still a lot out there yet to be seen, the world is beautiful for the most part, its people that make us see it as a dark dangerous place. thats why i trust no one 100%, if i trust them at all.

and thanx for that, my cousin has been through a lot, but shes stronger than she thinks. and so are you! if you can get through something like rape, you can get through anything! think of yourself as invincible! but dont go trying to jump off of any cliffs though... lol


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia Author

there is a lot in this world that is beautiful, and learning to trust that can again can be hard but worth it.

Invincible would be a nice thing to be, even just emotionally let alone jumping off cliffs :)

Thanks for your thoughtful heartfelt words, your cousin is lucky to have you


Nikkij504gurl profile image

Nikkij504gurl 5 years ago from Louisiana

yes, learning to trust anything after losing that trust is always hard, and time consuming. i tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, innocent til proven guilty and all that, but i keep my guard up ya know. and yes i would love to be emotionally invincible, im in all actuallity emotionally unstable. and you are welcome, thanks to you too for this poem and expressing such a hard thing to talk about.


louisxfourie profile image

louisxfourie 5 years ago from Johannesburg, South Africa

I did not go through the traumatic experience of rape, but was rape through divorce to find the right words to express support or concern can be very difficult, to take from people not have gone trough the same trauma.


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia Author

I think that's why support groups can be such a blessing, but heartfelt empathy can go a long way in helping broken hearts heal no matter the trauma


ahorseback profile image

ahorseback 5 years ago

Nighthag , I as a man , can't begin to know your pain in this experience , but from reading the comments above I tend to feel only disgust at my fellow man . And hugs for you from just a simple guy . And a hubber friend for real . If I could though I would fix this ! Thats just who I am .....:-} Awesome writing , I can only immagine how this might help someone else too!..:-}


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia Author

Thank you so very much for not just taking the time to read my poem but the many stories that have also been shared here, I will take that hug and return it wholeheartedly with a lot of thanks for your very kind thoughtful words... Thank you


lyndre profile image

lyndre 5 years ago from Scotland

Very powerful and wonderfully written poem.

As a victim of abuse I can feel your pain.


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia Author

Thank you it's a hard thing to write about, to share that pain but it has also been quite therapeutic,

Thanks for stopping in and for your empathy it means lot to me to share this poem with others


anglnwu profile image

anglnwu 5 years ago

You portray the pain and shame so vividly. Well done.


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia Author

writing uncensored from the heart with this one was easy sharing it here was the hard part but i am so glad that it has touched hearts that i can again only say thank you so very much for taking the time to read it means a lot...


caligurl4evr profile image

caligurl4evr 4 years ago from Lancaster, Ca

This was a beautiful way to express your feelings. I have a younger sister and my best friend that were raped by boys they trusted, in high school. My grandmother was also raped by her ex husband and his brother and a friend of theirs. Although I cannot fully understand, I have dealt with domestic violence, which created a lot of the same feelings, I believe, so I can relate a bit. I hope that some day you can make it through a day without thinking about it, hopefully you already have.


nighthag profile image

nighthag 4 years ago from Australia Author

Pain and humiliation leave scars no matter how they are gained, and it's a tragic fact that it happens too damn often . I am sorry to hear of your family and your own experiences but with help and the healing passage of time it is possible to reach a point in life where it no longer owns you like it did in the beginning

Thank you for reading this and for leaving such an understanding comment


cynamans profile image

cynamans 4 years ago from Washington DC

Hello nighthag,

I applaud your courage to share such an awful experience. Even though I have never been raped, My mom and sister have been through this life altering event so your poem has hit a nerve in my heart. Please stay strong and continue to share your gift of writing with all of us.

Best C


nighthag profile image

nighthag 4 years ago from Australia Author

cynamans

I am so sorry to hear of your family's pain, and I truly hope that time brings some degree of healing to the both of them... It can be hard at times to share the pain but I have found it to be so so healing as well, I wish you and your family nothing but the best..


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suzettenaples profile image

suzettenaples 3 years ago from Taos, NM

I don't know what to say. You are so right about that! You are do full of courage to write this and I admire you for speaking the truth. I don 't know what it feels like. I am appalled that this happened to you as it happens far too many times and to far too many women. I wish you well on your journey of recovery and know I am always here to listen.


nighthag profile image

nighthag 3 years ago from Australia Author

Suzettenaples

I want to thank you for your heart felt empathy, it's been a few years now but time doesn't always matter when trying to heal the soul... rape doesn't just injure the body it's the deeper scars that the naked eye will never see that take the longest to recover from

Thank you for taking the time to read and feel my words here

It means a lot!...

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