You Know You are Getting Old When.....

There are a number of signs or clues to look for that may warn you that you are getting old. I have drawn up a list that I feel may help anyone with any doubts to identify for certain that they are finally "over the hill" and perhaps accept the fact that old age has finally arrived and that it is not so bad to have finally turned into the Grandparent that you once adored, (whilst possibly occasionally having a giggle at with the rest of your family!!!!)

1) When you start to complain that you can " not understand the words in today's music".

2) When you look through your car steering wheel, rather than over it!

3) When you stop wearing high heels and always choose "comfortable" shoes instead, (Ladies only I hope!!!).

4) When your shopping list includes corn plasters, haemorrhoid cream and incontinence underwear.

5) When your favourite TV programme is Coronation Street.

 

6) When you find that you are stopped by the Police for driving your car too slowly rather than for speeding!

7) When you get on the bus and people you think of as "old", offer you their seat!

8) When "Sterident" is in your bathroom cabinet instead of toothpaste!

9) When your ideal bed companion is your hot water bottle!

10) When you have to get your neighbours to come round and open the lid to your pickle jar.

The small trolley
The small trolley
A Blue Rinse
A Blue Rinse

11) When you invest in a small trolley to hold your shopping so that you can drag it home afterwards.

12) When you decide a "blue rinse" is the ideal hair colour.

13) When your ideal night out is to play "Bingo".

14) When you can no longer cut your own toenails.

15) When you and your Doctor are on first name terms.

16) When you get complaints from your neighbours that your TV is too loud.

17) When you find that your adult children are suddenly taller than you, (yet they never were up until a few years ago), plus your previously knee length skirt now reaches your ankles!

18) When sex between you and your partner is an annual event, (and then only if you can manage it without needing to call out an ambulance afterwards).

19) When you have to get everyone to repeat everything twice and complain that they all talk too quietly.

20) When every new electronic gadget to come on to the market seems an impossible challenge to use without asking the nearest 7 year old to show you how it works, (and even then you can't remember half of what they said).

SAGA Holidays
SAGA Holidays
Funeral Plans
Funeral Plans

21) When SAGA start sending you out holiday brochures.

22) When you begin receiving those "Over 50 Funeral Plan" offers.

23) When you begin collecting cats.

24) When your idea of an exciting sport is Crown Green Bowls.

And Finally.........

25) When you realise that suddenly your children have become your parents and are now doing everything for you that you used to do for them!!!

Crown Green Bowls
Crown Green Bowls
Role Reversal
Role Reversal

Just a Few More Giggles Now.....

A Few Jokes.....

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came!"

*****

Arthur is 90 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur. “Your brother’s a hundred and three. He can’t help.”

“He may be a hundred and three,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. “Did you see the ball?”

“Of course I did!” replies the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”

“Where did it go?” asks Arthur.

“I don’t remember.”

*****

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, joined the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

*****

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The Ticket Agent asked, 'Sir, What's that on your shoulder?'

The old farmer said, 'That's my pet rooster Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes.'

'I'm sorry Sir, ' said the Ticket Agent. 'We can't allow animals in the theater.'

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.

'Marge,' whispered Mildred.

'What?' said Marge.

'I think the guy next to me is a pervert.'

'What makes you think so?' asked Marge.

'He undid his pants and he has his thing out.' whispered Mildred.

'Well, don't worry about it,' said Marge. 'Hell, at our age we've seen 'em all'.

'I thought so too,' said Mildred, 'but this one's eatin my popcorn.'

*****

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?"

Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line.

A police officer made his way down the line, questioning each of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"

*****

Three little old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke. But Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn’t reach that far.

*****

More by this Author


Comments 61 comments

msorensson profile image

msorensson 7 years ago

I love it. Thank you :-D


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks msorensson, glad you loved it and I appreciate receiving such a fast response after publishing a new hub :)


Sue Bailey profile image

Sue Bailey 7 years ago from South Yorkshire, UK

This is so funny - BUT TRUE!!! Well done, more of this please. :-)))


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks Sue, Delighted you liked it. I was a little worried about it's content offending some people with elderly relatives etc, but hoped that most would see the funny side, (including the elderly themselves).


Gypsy Willow profile image

Gypsy Willow 7 years ago from Lake Tahoe Nevada USA , Wales UK and Taupo New Zealand

Laughing my socks off. Many a true word spoken in Jest! Thanks for the laugh.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks Gypsy Willow, it is always nice to hear that a hub I have written has made people laugh :)


AlexK2009 profile image

AlexK2009 7 years ago from Edinburgh, Scotland

Great laughs. Another sign of age is when the policemen look young.


Hawkesdream profile image

Hawkesdream 7 years ago from Cornwall

Alex, I was gonna say that, damn. Misty, I thought this was very funny, laughed throughout lol


goldentoad profile image

goldentoad 7 years ago from Free and running....

good laughs. I know I am a ways from all this but nice to know what I can look forward to.


Wanderlust profile image

Wanderlust 7 years ago from New York City

Very funny :) My mother jokes a lot about her age and I think that's great - to be sane enough to understand that you are old! :)


eovery profile image

eovery 7 years ago from MIddle of the Boondocks of Iowa

Funny Stuff, I am going to have to book mark this one.

Keep ON ubbing


tony0724 profile image

tony0724 7 years ago from san diego calif

Misty I will be 49 next month I AM SCARED NOW ! I do not have these qualifications yet , however I do require reading glasses now !


TamCor profile image

TamCor 7 years ago from Ohio

This was great--I love old folks...just am not ready to be one of them yet, lol...

Good job--thanks a lot for the laughs!


Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

Tatjana-Mihaela 7 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA

This was hillarious, I could not stop laughing from the beginning to the end.

Thank you so much!


logic,commonsense 7 years ago

I was waiting for you next humorous hub. This is very very good! Thanks for the laughs!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks Alex, yes that is true, I forgot about the Policeman looking young.

Hi Hawkesdream, thanks for the great comment. I am really pleased you enjoyed this hub :)

Hi GT, lovely to see you here and thanks for commenting. I too have a way to go before I reach these stages, but my Mother in many ways displays loads of the "symptoms".


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Wanderlust, LOL, it must be great to be able to joke about it I agree. Even my Mum and Step Dad laugh about their own struggles with such modern wonders as mobile phones, TV remote controls and computers :)

Thanks eovery, hope to see you back here soon for more giggles.

Oh Tony, not long for you now. Before you know it you will have multiple pairs of glasses for all different uses, plus spares for when you forget where you have left your main pairs :)

Tamcor, thanks for the fab comment. I love old folks too, but needless to say they do have some amusing habits that many of us will also eventually develop as we too grow older.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Hi Tatjana, thanks so much for your positive comment. I am really glad this kept you laughing all the way through reading it.

Hi Logic, always great to get a positive comment from you and I am flattered you wait for my humorous hubs to come out. Thanks :D


dianacharles profile image

dianacharles 7 years ago from India

hahahaha and the sad part is that we are all getting there.........one day or the other.


Aya Katz profile image

Aya Katz 7 years ago from The Ozarks

Misty, funny hub! Although I feel compelled to point out that I have ALWAYS worn comfortable shoes, regardless of my age. In fact when I was in drivers' ed, my instructor said I drove like an elderly person. I have since loosened up a little and drive less cautiously. Maybe someday I'll try high heels. It seems some of us age backwards!


Triplet Mom profile image

Triplet Mom 7 years ago from West Coast

LMAO guess I am old. :(


Feline Prophet profile image

Feline Prophet 7 years ago from India

Hmmm...got a while to go yet I think, but that blue rinse looks real interesting! :P


Cris A profile image

Cris A 7 years ago from Manila, Philippines

I wish they'd hurry with the fountain of youth - before I even get there! Great fun this hub! Thanks for sharing Cindy :D


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Hi Diana, very true, we are all getting there, but damn it, I can never imagine enjoying playing Bingo or Crown Green Bowls, no matter how old I get :)

Hey Aya, looking on the bright side, you will no doubt be behaving like an adolescent teenager having fun with your mates, (even if you are 75 by then) :)


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Hi Triplet Mom, aww, I don't reckon you are old at all, and bet your kids will be the first to tell you when you begin showing these "symptoms".

Hmmmmm Feline, Simply can't imagine your avatar with a "Blue Rinse". :)

hi Cris A, Thanks so much for the lovely comment. Delighted you enjoyed this hub, (I too want the fountain of youth, and did you ever see the film "She", where walking through the fire gave a person eternal youth? Great film if you ever get the chance to see it).


ralwus 7 years ago

Dam you anyway MH for reminding me how oldt I am. the toenail thing and I do call my Dr.'s by their first name too as some are younger than I. funny stuff :D

CC Riter


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Sorry CC, but never mind, you will have forgotten you ever read this by tomorrow ;)


mayhmong profile image

mayhmong 7 years ago from North Carolina

I am going to be the old lady with 100 cats someday. I love the inside joke of the grandma not having breast milk and the last one had me cracking up! You always make me laugh. Can't wait to retire.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Hey thanks Mayhmong, what a great comment, and much appreciated. So delighted I keep you laughing, (I reckon I too may end up being the old lady with the cats. I am up to 3 already, and that nearly crept up to 5 last week!!).


mayhmong profile image

mayhmong 7 years ago from North Carolina

I decided to keep only the female cats since the male cats keep spraying everywhere. -_- So I only got 2 now.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Shame you had to part with the males though. I have two males and one female, but no problems at all with them ever spraying anywhere, however they were both castrated at 6 months old, which stops spraying in virtually all cases. Were your males castrated??


RGraf profile image

RGraf 7 years ago from Wisconsin

I was ok until #15. Life's over!!!!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Whoops, sorry about that, but don't leave us just yet please :)


trish1048 profile image

trish1048 7 years ago

LMAOOOOOOO, loved this, especially the rooster, and the old guy who said he wasn't finished doing nothing. I'll have to remember that one! :)


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks Trish, really pleased these gave you a good giggle too :)


diogenes 7 years ago

Well, you sure know where to kick a guy!

Funny farticle

Bob.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Cheers Diogenes, are you saying I am right then??? (smiles innocently)


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England

Ha ha brilliant! My favourite saying is I am old enough to know better, but young enough not to give a toss! gonna get a t shirt with it on! cheers nell


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Hey what a great idea for a T.Shirt Nell, I might get one too :) Thanks for the feedback. Glad you enjoyed the hub.


lilly_dens profile image

lilly_dens 6 years ago

I had a good laugh :) I enjoyed it


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks Lilly :)


jayb23 profile image

jayb23 6 years ago from India

Loved it misty...simply loved it. I am sharing it with my other friends. Keep up da good work!!!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks jayb23, so pleased you enjoyed this, and thanks for the feedback :)


tlpoague profile image

tlpoague 5 years ago from USA

Oh my...I had flashbacks of my great grandmother. My mother-in-law loved to tell people she had CRS (can't remember stuff) which I have found is highly contagious. Funny hub!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 5 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

LOL, CRS, I must remember this term tlpoague, I think I have this too, must come from being over 40 now.


lambservant profile image

lambservant 5 years ago from Pacific Northwest

Pretty doggone funny. I love the little captioned cartoons and images especially. Very funny.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 5 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks lambservant, glad these made you laugh too :)


Jasmine JellyBaby 5 years ago

Shit am already experiencing all these signs already and am only 30!!! but hell no I don't watch coronation street!!

Very funny hun. Good hub


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 5 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Hi Jasmine, 'hell, you really should try watching Coronation Street! It is great when you get to our age' :)


EmpressImani profile image

EmpressImani 5 years ago from SE London, England

So funny, I really laughed out loud! Have you experienced going to another room or upstairs and once you've got there, you can't remember what it was you wanted or do?Thanks for making me laugh so early in the day!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 5 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Oh I have done that loads of times Empresslmani, very annoying when you get all the way back downstairs and then remember what it was you went up for in the first place LOL Thanks for commenting, I am pleased this made you laugh :)


LeslieAdrienne profile image

LeslieAdrienne 5 years ago from Georgia

This is absolutely crazy... some is a little racy for my old fashioned ways, but it is funny none the less.... I am truly telling some of those jokes.... Thanks for sharing, it made me laugh out loud for a long time.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 5 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks LeslieAdrienne, so pleased you enjoyed these and I hope the more 'racy' stuff didn't shock you too much ;)


rutley profile image

rutley 4 years ago from South Jersey

way funny!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 4 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks Rutley, glad you enjoyed these :)


rutley profile image

rutley 4 years ago from South Jersey

Do any of these relate to you personally?


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 4 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

LOL, only the not wanting to wear high heels and the loving Coronation Street (at least up to now). A good few of these traits I see in my Mum and Step Dad though.


wandererh profile image

wandererh 4 years ago from Singapore

I only got 1 out of 25. Does that mean that I'm only 1/25 of the way there? :)


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 4 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Interesting thought wandererh, that could well be the case. ;)


GDiBiase profile image

GDiBiase 4 years ago from Portland, ME

so funny, thanks for making me giggle!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 4 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks GDiBiase, delighted this gave you a laugh :)

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