Zombie Apocalypse Survival - How You Can Survive The Zombie Takeover That Is Bound To Happen

How to Survive The Zombie Apocalypse

We all totally know a zombie apocalypse is bound to happen some time or another. Will you be one of those big lazy couch potatoes who never took the time to prepare and end up getting eaten first, or will you be a prepared zombie slaying machine who outlasts the whole apocalypse?

This guide will cover everything you need to know in order to survive a zombie apocalypse and it will make all the difference on whether your survive or not! Make sure you commit these six steps to memory and you are bound to be the last standing champion when the inevitable zombie apocalypse eventually goes down.

Oh and don't forget to share this with all of your friends!  The only way you'll still have friends after zombies take over the world is if you teach them how to survive too.


The Average American Zombie - They are likely to either be found in places with lots of food or on their couches with a carton of Ben & Jerry's.
The Average American Zombie - They are likely to either be found in places with lots of food or on their couches with a carton of Ben & Jerry's.

Rule #1 - Exercise

Exercise is critical to zombie survival. However, if you live in America, you most likely will only be running from fat zombies who have been eating McDonald's and grinding their couch all day long. They shouldn't be too terribly hard to outrun. However, every once in a while you will come across a big, muscular, ripped Olympics zombie, so having at least a fair level of fitness is recommended! Can you imagine what a ripped Arnold Schwarzenegger zombie would be like? Exactly. That's why you need to get your fat lazy butt on the treadmill.

Don't worry, there are ways to make exercise fun! For example, while you are doing cardio, you can make believe you are running from zombies and, if you stop, you die! There's a strategy for everything.


Sawed Off Double Barrel Shotgun -- Your best friend in a zombie apocalypse
Sawed Off Double Barrel Shotgun -- Your best friend in a zombie apocalypse

Rule #2 - Be Prepared

The Boy Scout motto also applies to zombie survival. You need to make sure you're prepared in every way. Most of all, by stocking up on weapons. Those people who didn't take advantage of the 2nd amendment are going to pay the price big time when they answer the pounding on their front doors to their hungry zombified neighbors.

So take my advice, drive down to your local gun shop and spend an entire paycheck on some quality guns and ammo. I wouldn't waste your time with long range guns in this scenario either. Chances are, if you're like most people, your aim sucks. Get a shotgun, saw off the end of it and as soon as you have like 4 zombies in your spread, gib them all with one pull of the trigger!

In addition to stocking up on weapons, you'll want to stock up on food. Don't think you'll just be able to waltz into the nearest grocery store and take whatever you like either. There are bound to be hundreds of other people in there, armed with guns, who all had the same idea. If you don't like the idea of getting shot over who gets the last box of Twinkies, just stock up in advance. If worse comes to worse and you don't have any food, you can always resort to cannibalism. Why not? Everyone else will be doing it!

Even penguins won't risk being alone in a zombie apocalypse.
Even penguins won't risk being alone in a zombie apocalypse.

Rule #3 - Live By The Buddy System

Find a friend or family member who you trust more than anyone and stick with them no matter what.  Even if you are taking a piss, make sure they are with you at all times!  Taking a dump?  Same thing!  For some reasons zombies always like to catch you with your pants down, so make sure you stand guard for each other while you do your business.

There shouldn't be 1 minute throughout the course of a 24 hour day that either of you are apart or aren't exactly sure where the other one is.  The second this happens, a zombie is bound to attack and leave one of you without a buddy any more.

Also, you should never fall asleep during a zombie apocalypse, unless you know you are well protected.  You and your buddy can take turns sleeping and guarding each other in shifts.

Hot girls -- looks can be deceiving.
Hot girls -- looks can be deceiving.

Rule #4 - Trust No One

-- Especially hot girls! That's right.  Then again, if you're a dude, you've probably already learned you can't trust hot girls anyways.  Doesn't matter if it's during a zombie apocalypse or not.

The more harmless a person seems during a zombie apocalypse, the chances are the more dangerous they really are. Do not trust strangers into your hiding place for three reasons:

  1. They could have zombies following them.
  2. They may rob you and take the last of your weapons, food and health supplies.
  3. They could have been bitten, which means they are going to become a flesh eating zombie very soon.

When someone asks for help or says they need a place to stay or medical assistance, run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.  These people claiming to be in need of help pose just as much threat as the zombies themselves.

Walking around sleepy makes you look like a zombie to other armed survivors -- don't do it!
Walking around sleepy makes you look like a zombie to other armed survivors -- don't do it!

Rule #5 - Stay Rested

Staying rested is obvious why it's critical to zombie survival.  You can't focus at your highest capacity when you are un-rested and that means that you become an easier target for hungry zombies.  Also, studies have shown that reduced amount of sleep leads to much slower reflexes.  This means that if a zombie jumps out at you, you most likely won't be able to shoot its head off before it goes for your jugular vein. 

Increased reflexes aren't the only reason why you should stay rested, however.  Have you ever noticed how when you are sleepy, you tend to walk around like a zombie? Now just imagine if another survivor was to see you coming like that. You would get a bullet in your head pretty quickly! 

It is imperative you and your buddy both stay fully rested during a zombie apocalypse.

Rule #6 - The Double Tap

If you have ever seen the movie Zombie Land, you know exactly what I am talking about.

Once you shoot a zombie, even if you nail it in the head, always give one more shot straight to the middle of their brain to make sure they are dead. Think of all the people in zombie movies who have died because they made the mistake of forgetting to do this. Heck, think of all the people in ANY movies who forgot to make sure the bad guy was dead and it cost them their life. Don't be stingy with your bullets! Always give them one final clean shot to the brain, right between their eyes, to make sure they don't get back up.

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Comments 9 comments

PWalker281 5 years ago

Shouldn't that fat zombie be sitting on a couch munching on a human leg bone as opposed to Ben and Jerry's? Methinks you've been watching too many zombie movies, Jared. Rated up and funny!


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jaredbangerter 5 years ago from New York City Author

haha thank you. :] yeah, who knows. people on my myspace just wanted a zombie survival guide, so i thought i'd fix them up with one. had a fun time writing it.


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CMENYART1 4 years ago from North Cackalackie

Great take on the zombie standards. Liked this very much. voted up.


Kayleigh 4 years ago

I am RELLY scared what should I do?????


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jaredbangerter 4 years ago from New York City Author

Play lots of Resident Evil 6 when it comes out in two days to prepare. ;] Hahaha


MobZombie 3 years ago

good stuff man. I have a zombie survival string of hubs im working on right now but I have a twisted semse of humor and tried going serious. So its good that people can approach this with a good sense of humor.


none 3 years ago

it was a good article but the part with the sawed off shot-gun is somewhat misleading. first don't even think about using bird shot. I mean come on its pretty obvious its used to kill things like birds (obviously), squirrels, and other small game plus if you use this you'll only attract more zombies. if you have to use a sawed off shotgun use buckshot or 12 gauge slug if you can. (PS the more you saw off barrel the less accurate the gun will be.)


Loringmiller 3 years ago

Hope you are be safe in the house


Nightwolf2033 2 years ago

Well first I am no apocalypse freak at best I have a 4-10 with 6 rds in my closet and binoculars in my drawer I do not think it will happen soon but there is always hope;) just kidding by the way I know how to make the ultimate survivor chemical that gets ok mpg I think you need piping and some chain link fence a little barbwire and a melon gun for fun mounted on the roof it would work on any thing but a Prius those are GAY.

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