bruised heartbeat

So ashamed am i

to find myself once again

in this position

curled up and affected

when i promised myself i wouldn't be

and so i found me

and there i was

leaking my toxic shit onto the only person

whose ever really seen me

i watched me rock back and forth on the dirty basement floor

and half wanted to spit in my own direction

i let the evil do me in again

let its shadows creep in and shatter my soul

and for what

Ive gained nothing

but ugliness

bitterness

i almost completely unscrewed the bulb

and shut out the one beam of light that heals me

that's what happens when you forget yourself

that's what happens when your more concerned with hiding

than you are with fighting

more concerned with the pain bearing down

than the love that heals it

no more

i refuse to sit here and cry in my cell

ill write a novel on its walls, and shine like i did when you rescued me

because that's not something I'm waiting for, you already did that.

and sincerely...it bruises my heartbeats that you felt anything less than my complete love and adoration.

and it bleeds me out that it was because of me and my shadows.



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Comments 6 comments

viveresperando profile image

viveresperando 4 years ago from A Place Where Nothing Is Real

very intense...


xstatic profile image

xstatic 4 years ago from Eugene, Oregon

Moving and intense, sounds like a recurring depression, and the fight to use the best self to throw it off.


Nikkij504gurl profile image

Nikkij504gurl 4 years ago from Louisiana

Intense and full of emotion! how i have missed reading your hubs.

And I just noticed the comments before me said this was intense as well. lol I swear i feel like i am copying comments when i use the same words but this poem really was intense. We shouldnt try to hide from ourselves, or the parts of us we dont like, or hide our feelings and stuff them down because eventually they will come back up stronger than before and at the worst possible time and towards the wrong people. all we can do is recognize our flaws and work on making them better. something that is not done overnight, but no matter how much we slip up, those who love us and really know us will still be there for us.


mikielikie profile image

mikielikie 4 years ago from Texas

you know.... there are writers and then there are artist who paint pictures with their word. I love reading your artwork. Its so beautifully real. What a wonderful writer/artist you are.


the pink umbrella profile image

the pink umbrella 4 years ago from the darkened forest deep within me. Author

"those who love us and really know us will still be there for us."

you are absolutly right nikki. we can kill ourselves to go beyond what we can at the moment. especially when the people who choose to love us knew what our worlds were going in. how dissapointing when you find out forever is conditional.

thanks everyone esecially nikki :)


Nikkij504gurl profile image

Nikkij504gurl 4 years ago from Louisiana

Aww. Thank you girl. Big Smile! Yep...forever is only as long as they can stick it out. and stick with you, through good and bad. but its also up to us not to keep pushing them away, theres only so much one person can take and if we just keep digging ourselves into the same hole without any effort to try and help ourselves then how can we expect anyone to stay that long? but the ones who never leave your side, are always there when you need a shoulder to cry on, and never completely give up on you, well those are keepers. Theres some people in our lives who will always understand and want to help you, but you also have to want to help yourself.

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