Song I'm working on FEEDBACK PLEASE

  1. profile image61
    Yelnats1196posted 4 years ago via iphone

    We became friends within a week
    But as of today we barely speak
    It makes me sad to admit this to myself
    But it's seems that you've placed me on a shelf

    (2x) Ladidahdidah-dahdahdahh.....

    After two months I confessed my love
    You took it as you flew away as a dove
    I remember whenever we conversed
    I would always get scolded if I cursed

  2. Ben Evans profile image75
    Ben Evansposted 4 years ago

    A good start.  I would develop a little story between these two lines and grab a the readers attention:

    We became friends within a week
    But as of today we barely speak.

    This will develop the bittersweet story in the song.  We became friends in a week knowing it is love we did seek.  You were so beautiful............


    It makes me sad to admit this to myself
    I would try to change the word admit to something like
    It makes me sad as i reminisce  by  myself


    There is no right or wrong in writing so just consider my suggestions as part of what I see and how I would write.

    Thanks for sharing!

 
working