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Thoughts, written down, edited,eventually might evolve into a poem...

  1. 2uesday profile image89
    2uesdayposted 7 years ago

    perfume...life and chasing rainbows.

    First draft.

    I know now that life is like perfume,
    If you do not enjoy it
    Each day it dilutes,loses its vibrancy,fades.

    I will not store it away, pressed petals in a jar.
    Splashed across my wrist and dancing in the rain
    Until the prism bows, an arch across the sky.
    Sweetly scented, somewhere over the rainbow.
    ................................................
    second edit(draft):

    Now I know, life like perfume
    Not enjoyed, loses its essence
    dilutes and fades, is lost.

    Pressed petals in a jar,
    stored no longer,released.

    dancing in the rain
    a prism bows, arcs the sky.

    One day some where some time
    for now...

    Essentially the essence of life
    is to enjoy the moment.

    ..........................................

    okay got to leave it there.. will edit some more later.

    1. profile image0
      Rnoble74posted 7 years ago in reply to this

      Joined your fanbase!  You're killin' it with your dead on and quality posessed writings and such; I mean to say you're excellent when you write whatever...  Rnoble74 Username

      Much Peace, Sincerity and Respect,
      Rich Aaron Norris

    2. rebekahELLE profile image90
      rebekahELLEposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      "3rd - extraction/edit.

      i watched you fade,
      like a sepia print
      washed away by tears


      yet in the rain
      no one guesses..
      the colours of me
      washed away,too.'


      I like how you went from your original thoughts, subject quite obvious to your final (3rd) more succinct, abstract about life. it's really very lovely. good work, 2uesday. smile

      1. 2uesday profile image89
        2uesdayposted 7 years ago in reply to this

        Thank you rebekahElle your comment is reassuring; I feel it is not always easy to work out if you are on the write 'track' when writing poetry. Someone like you leaving this feedback is  helpful to me.

    3. Wilhelmina Noir profile image61
      Wilhelmina Noirposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      I would have liked to see a new edit, combining qualities of the original and the second. For instance, the beginning of the second edit was a simpler way of expressing the thought, but the end of the original was better in my opinion, but the end of the second draft seemed to be lacking in the thought initially expressed in the original. Editing and scaling down shouldn't mean chopping off parts of the thought or expression. This is why I won't edit if I feel it would somehow compromise the integrity and depth of a work.

  2. free4india profile image59
    free4indiaposted 7 years ago

    good job !

  3. 2uesday profile image89
    2uesdayposted 7 years ago

    3rd - extraction/edit.

    i watched you fade,
    like a sepia print
    washed away by tears


    yet in the rain
    no one guesses..
    the colours of me
    washed away,too.

  4. wavegirl22 profile image48
    wavegirl22posted 7 years ago

    lost in a swirl

  5. profile image0
    philip carey 61posted 7 years ago

    People want poetry to be spontaneous and perfect the first time. But the same advise applies to poetry as to prose: edit, edit, edit.

    (But in the forums, not so much...)

  6. profile image0
    philip carey 61posted 7 years ago

    People want poetry to be spontaneous and perfect the first time. But the same advise applies to poetry as to prose: edit, edit, edit.

    (But in the forums, not so much...)

  7. profile image0
    philip carey 61posted 7 years ago

    People want poetry to be spontaneous and perfect the first time. But the same advise applies to poetry as to prose: edit, edit, edit.

    (But in the forums, not so much...)

  8. profile image0
    philip carey 61posted 7 years ago

    People want poetry to be spontaneous and perfect the first time. But the same advise applies to poetry as to prose: edit, edit, edit.

    (But in the forums, not so much...)

    1. 2uesday profile image89
      2uesdayposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      I guess I know what you mean, but at the time; it was like walking into an empty white room and wanting to find out if anyone else ever came into it at times when you were not there... hence my posting this and the other pieces.

  9. profile image0
    philip carey 61posted 7 years ago

    People want poetry to be spontaneous and perfect the first time. But the same advise applies to poetry as to prose: edit, edit, edit.

    (But in the forums, not so much...)

  10. profile image0
    philip carey 61posted 7 years ago

    Sorry about the repeat messages. I kept getting a weird error when I clicked the Submit button, making me think it didn't post, which it obviously did.

  11. Beata Stasak profile image83
    Beata Stasakposted 7 years ago

    Nice poem. I believe in living in a moment. It is only thing which is true. We change our past to our liking. We dream about our future. We live in a present, in a moment.

    All the best from Beata

    1. 2uesday profile image89
      2uesdayposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      Thank you, yes that's true it just took me ages to figure it out. The future can never be defined and the past cannot be 'truely' changed it is just edited or percieved in different ways by different people.

  12. aware profile image71
    awareposted 7 years ago

    its thanksgiving morning .  about on my way to grandmothers house. then i stumbled into 2uesday , on a Thursday morning .and read this great little work in progress. very good job i love short poetry . and you do it well .  nice to meet you .
    your newest fan ray/aware

    1. 2uesday profile image89
      2uesdayposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      Thank you for this comment, so pleased you liked it. I hope you, grandmother and family had a lovely day together.

  13. 2uesday profile image89
    2uesdayposted 7 years ago

    Sorry,  I did not know it was not a good idea to put poems on  this forum. I just read (on another thread) that poetry should not be posted here but in hubs. Now I know that I will not do it in future.

  14. profile image0
    poetlorraineposted 7 years ago

    i saw it on here and enjoyed it...... it was nice to see the forming of a poem no problem as far as i can see..... relax

    1. 2uesday profile image89
      2uesdayposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      thanks poetlorrine for leaving the above message for me.

  15. Sa Toya profile image85
    Sa Toyaposted 7 years ago

    I honestly enjoyed that- I often pen thoughts down and find that they become poems of their own- with editing of course.

    I love the breezy nature of it and find it somewhat calming if that makes sense

 
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