An elderly lady gets into a elevator and as the door shuts, she lets go a wall shaking fart and the stink was something awful. She just happened to have an aerosol can of Pine Scent she quickly sprayed fearing the door might open and she would be totally embarrassed. She had no sooner place the aerosol can back into her shopping bag when the door opened and a drunk staggered in and gave a huge "Whew!" She said , what, do you smell something? The drunk calmly reported, Yeah, smells like someone just took a crap on a Christmas tree.
♥♥♥ Well that is not fair, you were suppose to start with one joke......hahaha. Where is your joke?
Here is one from me.......
Friendships: Men vs Women
Friendship between women: A woman doesn’t come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend’s house. The husband calls his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knows anything about it.
Friendship between men: A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband’s 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he is still there. ♥♥♥
Two girl bowling clubs are going out for the night in the big city.
They are traveling in a double decker bus. One club are all blonds and the other club are all brunettes. The brunettes are down stairs and are singing and dancing and drinking and having a great time. One brunette says she can't here a sound from the girls upstairs and goes to see what's wrong. As she gets on the top deck see's all the blonds holding on to the seat in front with white knuckels and as white as a ghost and stairing straight ahead. Say's what wrong and ask's why they aren't enjoying them selves. The nearset blond answers, It's OK for you, you've got a driver downstairs.
A teacher asks her students to give her a sentence with the word "fascinate" in it. A little girl says, "Walt Disney World is fascinating."
The teacher says, "No, I said, 'fascinate.'"
Another little girl says, "There's so much fascination when it comes to sea life."
The teacher again says, "No, the word is fascinate."
Little Johnny yells from the back of the room, "My mom has such big boobs that she can only fasten eight of the 10 buttons on her shirt."
A drunken Irishman is driving through the city of Dublin and his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"I’ve been to the pub," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you’ve had quite a few."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few miles back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the man. "For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf."
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said, "But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!"
A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife and said, "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night."
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"
So I'm in this hotel, and I'm feeling lonely. I open this magazine and there she is, Lolita. At least that's what the magazine says her name is. She;s a lovely looking woman with everything exactly where it ought to be. I dialed the number she so thoughtfully provided and this real sexy voice said "Hello"
Right! so I told her what hotel I was in and gave her my room number and said "I want a massage. No, let me be hinest, I want sex. Hot, sweaty, steamy sex all night long. So bring your toys, bring your whipped cream, we're going to have a party. How does that sound?"
She replied; "That sounds fantastic sir, but if you want an outside line you have to dial 9 first."
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table.
A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"
Then she hollered..."Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers.
She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other one answered, "I don't know, I thought YOU were watching!"
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
Three Chinese men came to America. Their names were; Chu, Bu, and Fu. Because they were in America they wanted their names to sound American. So Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck and Fu....had to go back to China.
Did you know that they found a cure for Swine Flu? Yes, it's in the form of an "oink"ment. Did you know that they also found a cure for Bird Flu? Yes, it's "tweet"able.
Darn hilarious jokes from everyone! I'm still rolling...
A brown chicken was standing on the side of the road. It yelled across the to the blonde chicken, "I want to cross the road! I want to get to the other side!"
The blonde chicken yelled back, "You ARE on the other side!"
Police Officer pulls over a Driver.
Officer: "Can you blow into this bag please."
Driver: "But why Officer? I haven't done anything wrong?"
Officer: "My Chips are cold."
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
A man and a woman meet in a bar. After a few drinks and the usual talk they end up at his place. As soon as she walks in the woman noticed that this guy had a fantastic collection of Teddy Bears. All arranged neatly on wall shelves according to their size.
She was wondering what is a GUY doing with all these Teddy Bears but she doesn't say anything because pretty soon they rip the clothes off each other and spend the night in mad, passionate, lovemaking.
The next morning she says;
"Well, how was it?" he replied
"Take any prize you want from the bottom shelf."
The Perfect Son
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
Does he have a particular fondness for breasts?
Does he drink straight out of the bottle?
Does he burp when you hold him in your arms?
Six months old and he's just beginning.
Jack: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
Jack: A white horse fell in the mud.
Q - Why is the heart is always in the left side?
A - Because the heart will never be right.
A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
teacher: What are you waiting for?
student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
A husband and wife were planning on going to a fancy dress party. On the night the wife complained she wasn't feeling well and didn't want to go. The husband seemed disappointed so the wife urged him to go on his own. She said she would go to bed and be OK.
So the husband went but after about an hour the wife felt better and decided she'd like to go anyway.It occurred to her that her husband didn't know what she'd be wearing so she thought it might be a good opportunity to see what he gets up to when she's not around.
When she got to the party she soon spotted him, dancing and flirting, even copping a feel when he could. She went up to him and started flirting herself. He didn't recognise her, and because they were married she let him go as far as he wanted. Then she whispered in his ear and they went to one of the rooms, turned off the light, and had sex.
She slipped away from the party and when her husband got home she was sitting up in bed reading.
"Good party?" She asked.
"Oh! it was OK" he replied.
"Did you dance much?" She asked
"No, not at all" he replied. "Some of my buddies were there so we sat in the back room and played Poker most of the night."
"Oh really!" she said "You must have looked really silly playing Poker in that costume?"
"No" he replied. "I gave the costume to my father, apparently he had a wonderful night."
A blonde and a brunette go camping in the woods. When night falls, they pitch their tent and fall asleep. Around midnight, the brunette wakes up because of a noise outside their tent. She tries to wake the blonde, but the blonde is a very heavy sleeper and will not wake up. The brunette finally goes outside where she is attacked by a bear roaming their campsite. The blonde hears her friend scream, and goes outside to see what the matter is. She finds her friend lying still on the forest floor and runs back to their tent to call 911 on her cell phone. When the operator asks her the nature of her emergency, she says
"I think my friend is dead."
"Alright," the operator says. "No need to panic. First make sure she's dead." The blonde goes into her tent retrives a shotgun, and shoots her friend.
"Okay," she says. "Now what?"
A child at a Christian school was studying the early days of Mormonism in his class. He wrote on his paper,"The early Mormons believed in having more than one wife. This is called polygamy. But we believe in having only one wife. This is called monotony"
thanks. hee hee i love blonde&brunette jokes. and any joke that begins with "this horse walks into a bar..."
OK then, I'll repost my blonde chicken joke:
A brunette chicken was standing on the side of the road. It yelled across the to the blonde chicken, "I want to cross the road! I want to get to the other side!"
The blonde chicken yelled back, "You ARE on the other side!"
'horse walks in a bar' is my favorite joke!
Taoism: Shit happens. Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit. Islam: If shit happens, it's the will of AllahProtestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough. Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us? !Hinduism: This shit happened before. Catholicism: Shit happens because you're bad. Har Krisna: Shit happens, Rama Rama!T. V. Evangelism: Send more shit!!Atheism: No shit. Jehovah's Witness: Knock knock, shit happens. Hedonism: There's nothing like a good shit happenin'. Christian Science: Shit Happens in your mind. Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't. Existentialism: What is shit anyway? Stoicism: This shit doesn't bother me. Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!
Two guys were in a bar.
They are discussing how often they get laid,
One guy says to the other guy that he gets laid about once or twice a week.
The other guy says man thats messed up , And says Ithat worst than me I get laid maybe four or five times a month.
So while they are discussing the situation they notice a stool over laughing , they didnt think it was funny being laid not often enough,
So they decided to go over to the guy and see what he thought was so funny and thought it would be a good idea to ask the guy how often does he get laid.
So they walk over to him and one of the guys ask what are you laughing at do you think it is funny , and the other guy says how often do you get laid since you think it is funny.
And the guy goes once a year
Both the guys started laughing at the guy's answer and one of them says you mean to tell me that you only get laid once a year and you sitting over here laughing at us, lol they both began to laugh loudly and one of the guys says what you laughing,we both get laid more than you the guys says cause tonight is the night
I was walking through the park the other day,saw a guy mugging a little old lady so I jumped in.It took a while but we finally got her purse from her.
A ninety year old man goes to the doctor and says"I need some Viagra".The doctor says"Your to old for Sex".The old man says"Its not for Sex,I just want to stop Pissing on my shoes".
I met a HOT dame at Scully's bar.She said"lets go back to my place for drinks and cigars".I said"I don't smoke".She said"You will when i get done with you".
A man gets cancer of the penis,his doctor amputates and attaches a Dog penis in its place.Two weeks latter the mans wife calls the doctor and tells him her husband Died.the doctor feels terrible and asks if the mans body rejected the dog penis.The wife says "No, he sat down in the middle of the street to lick his balls and a car ran him over".
Q: Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat?
A: Cut off your head.
Q. Where do you find a one legged dog?
A. Where you left it.
A man walks into a pub with a very thirsty centipede.
"What can I get you?" the barmaid asks.
"I'll have a pint - and a half for my friend here" the man says.
"But he looks like he's dying of thirst," the barmaid protests.
"Well, that's true enough," the man says. "But I don't want him getting legless."
Somewhere in a prison cell in USA. A huge strong muscular guy shares the cell with a tiny little guy. The big guy says to the tiny guy:
"So, who do you wanna be tonight? Mummy or daddy?
The tiny guy goes:
"Well..., I think I'd prefer to be daddy"
Then the big guy goes:
"Let's go for that, come here and suck mama's d*ck!"
My daughter is your reward
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.
He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"
A bear walks into a bar in Butte, Montana. He walks up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't sell beer to bears in bars in Butte, Montana."
The bear very calmly replys, "See that woman sitting at the end of the bar there? Give me a beer or I'll eat her."
The bartender repeats, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't sell beer to bears in bars in Butte, Montana."
At this point, the bear is getting frustrated. "I'll give you one last chance. Give me a beer or she dies."
Again, the bartender replys, "I'm sorry sir, but we do not sell beer to bears in bars in Butte, Montana."
So the bear goes to the end of the bar and swollows the woman whole. He returns to the bartender, and says, "Now, I'd like a beer."
The bartender replys, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't sell beer to bears in bars in Butte, Montana. Especially bears on drugs."
"What do you mean on drugs? I'm not on drugs." The bear insists.
"Didn't you know, sir," the bartender asks, "that was a bar-b**ch-you-ate."
Why do women wear make-up and perfume?
Because they're ugly and they stink.
Three men were on a deserted island, when one of them found a beautiful bottle washed up on the beach. He we cleaning it off, when a jeanie appeared and told him that he and his two friends each got one wish.
The first man wished for a mansion, complete with servants, and food. POOF there it was.
The second man wished be had a million dollars and somewhere to spend it, and POOF, he had the cash and a shopping center.
The third man asked if he could wait a few minutes for he couldn't make up his mind?, and the jeanie told him no problem. The man was so happy that he just wanted to sing, and the first song to enter his mind was a tune to a commercial, and he sang,"Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner, and POOF....
I am sad to report that the man who invented the Hokey-Pokey has died.
It was a serious and solemn affair, until it came time to place him in the coffin.
They put his right leg in...............It all went downhill from there.
~~From my hub~~ laugh-for-life
A policeman was sitting on the hard shoulder watching the traffic go by when a car zoomed past him doing at least 120 mph!
The policeman chased him down, and pulled the car over. He went up to the car and asked, "Do you know that you were doing at least 50 mph over the speed limit?"
The driver replied, "Was I officer, I'm terribly sorry but I wasn't aware of that."
The policeman said, "May I see your drivers license please?"
The man replied, "I don't have one officer."
"Of course you do," said the policeman.
"No sir, I don't," said the man.
"So why do you have this car?" asked the policeman.
"This is not my car, I stole it," said the man.
"You are driving a stolen car?" said the policeman.
"Yes I'm afraid so sir,"
Looking puzzled the policeman said, "Let me see the registration, so we can find out who it belongs to."
The man said, "There is nothing in the glove compartment except some candy, oh, and my gun."
"Your gun!" exclaimed the officer, clearly worried by this point, as this man was obviously a lunatic.
"So you don't have a drivers license, you stole this car, and there is a gun in the glove compartment! "
"Yes sir," said the man, "Oh and a body in the trunk."
"WHAT!!" said the policeman turning white, "Ok so you have no drivers license, you have stolen this car, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk?"
"Yes," said the man, sounding slightly irritated.
"Look," said the policeman, "You wait right here and don't touch anything! Don't move, don't even breathe."
So the policeman ran to his car and radioed the station, "I want to speak to the chief," said the policeman, "And quick!"
He waited about a minute and the chief came on the line, "What is it," he said.
"I've got a man here, he is a complete lunatic he has very calmly stated that he is driving a stolen car, he has no drivers license, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk," said the policeman.
"I'll be right there," said the chief.
In ten minutes the man and the car were surrounded. There was the chief of police, a swat team, everybody you could imagine.
The chief walks slowly to the car in his bulletproof vest and says to the driver, "Hello sir, may I see your drivers license?"
"Of course," said the man, and produced it from his back pocket.
Looking puzzled, the chief asked, "Is this your car?"
"Yes," said the man.
"Can I see your registration please sir?" asked the chief.
The man leaned over to open the glove compartment.
"Please don't open it sir!" said the chief.
"Why?" asked the man, "I thought you wanted my registration. "
"I do," said the chief, "But there is a gun in there."
"Don't be silly," said the man, and he opened the glove compartment, empty apart from some candy.
"Let me get this right," said the chief, "You have a drivers license, this is your car and there is no gun in the glove compartment. "
"Yes," said the man,
"And there is no body in the trunk, I suppose," said the chief.
"BODY!" exclaimed the man, "Why on earth would I have a body in my trunk?"
"Sir I apologize for this, but my officer told me that you had no drivers license, you had stolen this car, you were in possession of a gun, and a body in the trunk."
"The lying fool," said the man, "I'll bet he said I was speeding, too!"
There were three guys stranded on an island, and they get captured by canabals. The canabals take the men to the king canabal, and he then proceeds to tell them what they must do if they want to live. They are each given a different type of fruit that they must find ten of, the first guy had to find ten apples. In a little while he returns and the king canabal tells him the next part of the callenge. He must now shove all ten apples up his butt without making any facial expressions. He (the first guy) started counting, ONNNEEEEE... he whences and slash gets his head cut off.
The second guy then comes back with grapes. Same thing he must now shove all ten grapes up his butt without making any facial expressions. He starts shoving 1...,2...,3...,4...,5...,6...,7...,8 then all of a sudden he points and laughs for no reason at all, and slash gets his head whacked off.
Then in heaven the first guy asks the second guy why he laughed and he said, "Because I seen the third guy coming with pineapples."
So Jason was in bed with his wife and he noticed Death was standing at the end. "It's time you came with me" Death said. He replied with "What! Why?"
"It's your time, you an either be reincarnated as a chicken, a worm or a snail"
Jasone thinks for a moment and decides a chicken would be the best for him. So in a flash he found himself on a farm next to another chcken. The other chicken says "hello" but before Jason can reply he gets a funny feeling inside him. He asks for help and the other chicken tells him "Push, keep pushing". Jason done this and was shocked to find that he had layed an egg. Then he gets that feeling again and begins to push hard to let out another, then BANG! he's hit. He hears his wife shouting "WAKE UP! YOU'RE SH***I*G IN THE BED!"
Late one night this guy is walking his girlfriend home. When they get to her house he leans against the side of the door, trying to look all sexy and says "Give me a blow job."
:No" she said, "My parents are home."
"That's OK" he said "They're asleep. It's late."
"But I can't It's my house" and it went on for a while, with him leaning against the side of the door begging and she's saying no.
Suddenly a window opens and the girlfriends sister put her head out.
"Dad says, give him a blow job. If you won't do it, I'll do it. If necessary Mom will come and do it. But whatever, get his hand off the intercom."
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was dead.
What did the fish say when it ran into a wall?
A blonde walks into a library, marches up to the front desk, looks the head librarian straight in the eyes and declares rather loudly, "I'D LIKE A BURGER, ACHOCOLATE SHAKE, AND SOME FRIES!!!" The librarian looks at the blonde like she's nuts, and says, "You DO realized this is a LIBRARY, right?" The blonde looks around, slightly confused, but she notices the shelves upon shelves of books, the stacks of magazines and periodicals, and the rows and rows of students reading and studying. Finally, she nods her head in silent acquiescence that, yes, she is indeed in a library. So she leans across the desk towards the librarian, and whispers in a very quiet voice, "I'd like a burger, a chocolate shake, and some fries..."
What's the different between a car and a golf ball?
Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 400 yards.
I found this one funny but I work with young kids so I hear some pretty bad jokes
Where does a wasp go when its sick?
To the waspital!
What is the difference between men and women?
Women want one man to meet all their needs and men want all women to meet their one need.
What were Tiger and his lady doing outside at 2.30 in the morning?
Andrew to Rita: Let's go to some isolated place?
Rita: "Beware! You would not do any mischievous thing there."
Andrew thought for a moment and said, "No, absolutely no."
Rita: "Then, leave the plan, it's of no use."
can someone here please teach me to laugh
i mean how to make this laughing smiley ?
Put ":" and "D" to get this => and : lol : for =>
(no space in between)
Put ":" and "D" to get this => big_smile and : lol : for => lol
A hill billy walks into a drugstore and starts looking at condoms. The pharmacist walks over and asks if he can help. the hillbilly says, "I'm just looking for condoms." The pharmacist asks, "who is it for your wife or girlfriend, we have all kinds of special condoms"?
The hillbilly replies, "it is for my 12 year old daughter".
The pharmacist gasps, and exclaims,"you mean to tell me you have a 12 year old daughter that is sexually active!?"
"No", the hillbilly replies,"she just lays there like her mother!"
by Daffy Duck9 months ago
There are millions of jokes out there. Everyone says they have a great one. What's the funniest one?
by IzzyM3 years ago
A police officer pulls over a speeding car.The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'The driver says, 'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'Not...
by dnrkrishnan255 years ago
One funny Joke ?
by Matthew I Crawford5 years ago
Q: If a blonde and a brunette fall off a building at the exact same time, which one lands first?A: The brunette; the blonde had to stop to ask for directions.Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after sex?A: She opens...
by Martin Heeremans2 years ago
I know everyone has that one hilarious joke they use which will always get a good laugh out of everyone in the local vicinity.I'll start.A new Commander is sent to take over a command of a post in a remote location.On...
by nicomp really6 years ago
A traveling salesman, a clown, a horse, and a midget walk into a bar...The bartender says "What is this? Some kind of a joke?"
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