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Tell a funny joke!

  1. Hokey profile image58
    Hokeyposted 7 years ago

    Post your best jokes on here. Lets see what you got!!!!  big_smile

  2. Hokey profile image58
    Hokeyposted 7 years ago

    Little Bobby sat in the bathroom talking to his mother as she was taking a bath. She got up to dry herself when Bobby noticed something. With a puzzled look on his face he asked his mother, " Mommy what is that?"

    She replied "That is where Daddy hit me with an ax."

    Then Bobby replied "No     , right in the ....."

    1. blondepoet profile image79
      blondepoetposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      Lol Hokey I don't get it, just the last line.

    2. Hokey profile image58
      Hokeyposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      Better?

  3. Hokey profile image58
    Hokeyposted 7 years ago

    A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi from one city were taking a car ride to a conference on world religions. On the highway they were in an         .

    First the Priest steps out, makes the sign of the cross and says, "Oh, God, thank you for letting us survive."

    Then the Minister crosses himself and says, "Thank you dear Lord for protecting us."

    Finally the Rabbi steps out and likewise makes the sign of the cross. The Priest and Minister look at each other.

    Baffled, the Minister says, "We thought you didn't believe in that."

    To which the Rabbi responds, "Hell no, I was just checking to make sure I have everything -- spectacles, testicles, wallet, and watch!"

  4. wyanjen profile image90
    wyanjenposted 7 years ago

    http://i665.photobucket.com/albums/vv19/wyanjen/chicken-egg2.jpg

    1. Hokey profile image58
      Hokeyposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      Awesome!!!  big_smile

  5. profile image0
    lyricsingrayposted 7 years ago

    What's funny is I am not funny lol

    1. Hokey profile image58
      Hokeyposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      Give it a try!!!   big_smile

  6. earnestshub profile image87
    earnestshubposted 7 years ago

    Hey BP! Just got back in and thought I would see what our new funny mate was up to! smile
    Hi Hokey! Hi lyrics! smile

    1. Hokey profile image58
      Hokeyposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      Hey Ernest!!!  big_smile

    2. blondepoet profile image79
      blondepoetposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      Hey Earnest

      1. Hokey profile image58
        Hokeyposted 7 years ago in reply to this

        Hey Blondpoet!  big_smile

        1. blondepoet profile image79
          blondepoetposted 7 years ago in reply to this

          Hey dudes and dudettes.

  7. blondepoet profile image79
    blondepoetposted 7 years ago

    The nurse said to the doctor, "There's an invisible man in the waiting room." The doctor replied, "Tell him I can't see him now."

    1. earnestshub profile image87
      earnestshubposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      lol lol lol

  8. mintinfo profile image81
    mintinfoposted 7 years ago

    A Love Story

    I will seek and find you .
    I shall take you to bed and have my way with you
    I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
    I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to
    stop.
    I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm
    finished with you.
    And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
    All my love,





    signed: The Flu

    Now, quit thinking about sex and go get your flu shot!!!! hahaha
    got ya!

    1. wyanjen profile image90
      wyanjenposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      lol

    2. earnestshub profile image87
      earnestshubposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      Ya got me! .... love the delayed edit! lol

      1. blondepoet profile image79
        blondepoetposted 7 years ago in reply to this

        haha my mind jumped to the wrong conclusion without doubt.

  9. blondepoet profile image79
    blondepoetposted 7 years ago

    http://media.rd.com/rd/images/rdc/slideshows/Top-15-Jokes-of-2009/duck-in-bar-af.jpg


    This duck walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, “Do you have any grapes"?

    The bartender says, "No we only sell beer here". The duck leaves.

    The next day the duck walks back into the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes"?

    The bartender says, "No I told you we only sell beer, and if you ask me again I'm going to nail your beak to the bar.” So the duck leaves.

    The next day the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender “Do you have any nails"? The bartender says "no".

    The duck asks "Do you have any grapes"?

    1. tony0724 profile image60
      tony0724posted 7 years ago in reply to this

      big_smile

      1. blondepoet profile image79
        blondepoetposted 7 years ago in reply to this

        hey Tony, what a cheeky little duck hey?

  10. Hokey profile image58
    Hokeyposted 7 years ago

    Hey wyanjen!!!  big_smile

    1. wyanjen profile image90
      wyanjenposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      Hi
      everybody big_smile

      1. blondepoet profile image79
        blondepoetposted 7 years ago in reply to this

        Hey wyanjen.

      2. earnestshub profile image87
        earnestshubposted 7 years ago in reply to this

        Hey Wyanjen! This is fun! lol

        1. wyanjen profile image90
          wyanjenposted 7 years ago in reply to this

          yup! big_smile
          nice change of pace

  11. wyanjen profile image90
    wyanjenposted 7 years ago

    I'm cleaning out my photobucket account, so if you've seen it already, well...

    look at it again lol


    http://i665.photobucket.com/albums/vv19/wyanjen/kirk.jpg

    1. Hokey profile image58
      Hokeyposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      WOW!!!!!  COOL!!!! big_smile

  12. Hokey profile image58
    Hokeyposted 7 years ago

    A priest is walking by a house and sees, sitting in the front steps, a young boy shaking a bottle of some clear liquid.

    He asks the boy what he was doing. The boy responded, "This here, Father, is turpentine, the most powerfull liquid in the world".

    The priest responds, "You are wrong, Holy Water is the most powerful liquid in the world. You rub a few drops of Holy Water on a pregnant womans belly and she'll pass a boy".

    The boy responded, "That ain't nothing father. You rub a few drops of this in a cat's ass and he'll pass a motorcycle!"

  13. Hokey profile image58
    Hokeyposted 7 years ago

    Kids in the back seat cause         s;         s in the back seat cause kids.

    1. Hokey profile image58
      Hokeyposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      Sorry. This stupid computer has some stupid filter on it and that is why things get cut out. Eh! Acceptance Hokey, Acceptance!          sad
                           hmm
                           neutral
                           hmm
                           smile
                           big_smile

      1. wyanjen profile image90
        wyanjenposted 7 years ago in reply to this

        lol the quest for patience...

  14. wyanjen profile image90
    wyanjenposted 7 years ago

    cptn kirk - ahh, I can't delete that one.

    still makes me laugh lol

  15. wyanjen profile image90
    wyanjenposted 7 years ago

    This is not a political statement. It is a punk rock statement.

    Ahh, it's pure bliss...
    http://i665.photobucket.com/albums/vv19/wyanjen/ahmadinejad-ramones.jpg

    1. Hokey profile image58
      Hokeyposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      I almost missed this!  HA HA HA HA!!!! big_smile

    2. earnestshub profile image87
      earnestshubposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      Ya gotta love him! He hasn't threatened to kill all non muslims for weeks! He must be in love! smile

      1. wyanjen profile image90
        wyanjenposted 7 years ago in reply to this

        Nah.
        It's not love...


        http://i665.photobucket.com/albums/vv19/wyanjen/ahmadinejad-bong.jpg

  16. Cagsil profile image60
    Cagsilposted 7 years ago

    Hey Everyone! smile

    1. wyanjen profile image90
      wyanjenposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      howdy.
      Lay a joke on us!

      1. Cagsil profile image60
        Cagsilposted 7 years ago in reply to this

        I just dropped in to say hello to everyone. I don't know any jokes. Sorry. sad

        I'm not about to start pulling out magazines for the jokes. Nope, not happening. smile tongue

    2. Hokey profile image58
      Hokeyposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      Hey Cagsil!!   big_smile

  17. Hokey profile image58
    Hokeyposted 7 years ago

    The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard

  18. profile image0
    lyricsingrayposted 7 years ago

    lol

  19. cheaptrick profile image74
    cheaptrickposted 7 years ago

    A ninety year old man went to his doctor and said"I Need Viagra"
    His doctor said "Your to Old for Sex".
    The old man said"Its Not for Sex,I JUST WANT TO QUIT PISSING ON MY SHOES"!

    1. Hokey profile image58
      Hokeyposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      big_smile

  20. Hokey profile image58
    Hokeyposted 7 years ago

    # 1 There once was a gal named Lewinsky
    Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
    'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
    on this flute made of beef
    that stole the front page from Kaczynski.

    1. wyanjen profile image90
      wyanjenposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      uh oh.

      I sense a limerick contest....

      (Very nice first entry!)

  21. wyanjen profile image90
    wyanjenposted 7 years ago

    It's from my Ahmadinejad Collection.
    http://i665.photobucket.com/albums/vv19/wyanjen/ahmadinejad-bowl.jpg

    1. earnestshub profile image87
      earnestshubposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      lol lol lol

      1. Hokey profile image58
        Hokeyposted 7 years ago in reply to this

          big_smile
        This is just too funny!

  22. Hokey profile image58
    Hokeyposted 7 years ago

    There once was a gal named Lewinsky
    Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
    'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
    on this flute made of beef
    that stole the front page from Kaczynski.

    Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
    We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
    Since you look such a mess,
    use the hem of your dress
    And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

    Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
    what Kaczynski must surely have known
    that an intern is better
    than a      in a letter
    given the choice to be blown.

    There was a young      called Lewinsky,
    Who caused as much stir as Kaczynski
    When on Kenneth Starr's lap
    she confided, when trapped,
    "Bill Clinton is hung like Nijinsky." *

    1. TheGlassSpider profile image80
      TheGlassSpiderposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      LMAO!!!! I have never heard this before--this is great! lol

  23. earnestshub profile image87
    earnestshubposted 7 years ago

    Is this allowed under limericks?

    Religious and so scared to die
    they invented a man in the sky
    embellished the story
    with fear and with glory
    but it's still a deliberate lie!

    1. Hokey profile image58
      Hokeyposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      Definitely allowed big_smile

  24. Hokey profile image58
    Hokeyposted 7 years ago

    Johnny Cochrans Top 10


    From the law offices of Johnnie Cochrane, Esquire, here are the top ten proposed closing arguments in the matter of United States v. William J. Clinton:

    10. If the dress aint a mess, he won't need to confess

    9. The economy's great, let the White Boy skate

    8. If she didn't spit, you must acquit

    7. If she is not spread eagle, then it is not illegal

    6. Lewinsky's a hore, and Bill's better than Gore

    5. So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses

    4. He cheats on his wife, but its his personal life

    3. Bill can't tell the truth till he sees Ken Starr's proof

    2. Bill is not greasy, Lewinsky's just easy

    And the number one closing argument by Johnny Cochrane:

    1. If the act is just oral, it is not really immoral

    1. wyanjen profile image90
      wyanjenposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      lol lol

  25. cheaptrick profile image74
    cheaptrickposted 7 years ago

    The Doctor lay in bed thinking"
    Lots of Doctors have sex with there patients,it doesn't mean I'm unethical"
    Then his Conscience Kicked in and said
    "Yes but your a Veterinarian"!

    1. wyanjen profile image90
      wyanjenposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      BWAH HA HA HA HA

      Top contender....

  26. earnestshub profile image87
    earnestshubposted 7 years ago

    limericks are great! This I know
    but a joke has much further to go.
    if it needs not to rhyme
    it saves lots of time
    and lets us get on with the show.

    1. HubChief profile image69
      HubChiefposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      Earnest, wrong place for fun loving limericians

  27. Hokey profile image58
    Hokeyposted 7 years ago

    I thought to post a new topic
    that hopefully wasn't myopic
    To help us have fun
    and enjoy everyone
    and forget SirDents thing is microscopic

    1. earnestshub profile image87
      earnestshubposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      lol

  28. kephrira profile image60
    kephriraposted 7 years ago

    An Englishman an Irishman and a Scottish man walk into a bar, and the barman says "is this some kind of a joke?"

    My friends laughed at me when I said I could tell a really funny joke. Well they're not laughing now!

    1. Hokey profile image58
      Hokeyposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      huh?  sad

      1. kephrira profile image60
        kephriraposted 7 years ago in reply to this

        Sorry, I guess I'm not very good at being funny. the first one is cos there's lots of jokes about 'an englishman, irishman and scottishman. Knowing that this wasn't actually very funhy I added the second bit. They aren't laughing now would normally mean I had one the argument. But the fact that they aren't laughing means the joke wasn't very funny. The humor is supposed to be in this ambiguity / contradiction. In my defense, I got them both from a TV program I watched recently, and they were funny then.

        1. Hokey profile image58
          Hokeyposted 7 years ago in reply to this

          Dont give up!!  Try again!!  big_smile

        2. agvulpes profile image87
          agvulpesposted 7 years ago in reply to this

          actually I thought it was funny ! It would have worked better without the add on .

    2. wyanjen profile image90
      wyanjenposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      lol

      kephrira, this actually WAS very funny lol

      You just have to have the right kind of funny bone...

      1. kephrira profile image60
        kephriraposted 7 years ago in reply to this

        phew, glad you liked em, I thought I'd messed them up somehow. They are both from an episode of QI

    3. earnestshub profile image87
      earnestshubposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      Loved it! lol but I have to admit. I am Australian, we like lots of different meanings in our humour if we can get it! lol

  29. kephrira profile image60
    kephriraposted 7 years ago

    Sticking blindly to a failed theme. A man walks into a bar and says....




    "ouch!"

  30. agvulpes profile image87
    agvulpesposted 7 years ago

    I'm not sure if maybe this one should be on the Religious Forum but here is an Aussie joke.


    Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large
    raging, Violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man
    prayed:
    'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'
    Poof! ... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

    After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me
    strength and the tools to cross the river'

    Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he
    was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

    Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river'

    Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.


    cool

    1. Hokey profile image58
      Hokeyposted 7 years ago in reply to this

          hmm
          wink
          smile
          big_smile
          lol

      1. profile image0
        lyricsingrayposted 7 years ago in reply to this

        lol

    2. earnestshub profile image87
      earnestshubposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      lol lol lol
      Never heard it before... brilliant! smile

  31. profile image0
    sneakorocksolidposted 7 years ago

    " A guy goes to the church confessional and says,"Father I have sinned. I slept with 5 different women last nite." The priest says,"Go home and squeeze 5 lemons into a glass and drink it as fast as you can." "And I will be forgiven?" asks the man. "No." the priest says,"but it will wipe the smirk off your face!"

    1. kephrira profile image60
      kephriraposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      lol

      1. Hokey profile image58
        Hokeyposted 7 years ago in reply to this

        sorry. I am sometimes(most of the time) dense. Didn't realize it was two jokes. Wow and to think I dont do       anymore. WOW! big_smile

    2. Hokey profile image58
      Hokeyposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      big_smile

  32. profile image0
    loriamooreposted 7 years ago

    Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

    Because they taste funny!

  33. Hokey profile image58
    Hokeyposted 7 years ago

    Q: What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
          A: Quatro sinko.

  34. profile image0
    Pani Midnyte Odinposted 7 years ago

    Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really mad.
    She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds and it better be there!"
    The next morning, Bob got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked in the driveway. Sure enough, there was a gift-wrapped box in the middle of the driveway.
    Confused, Bob's wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, picked up the box, and brought it back into the house.
    She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
    ...Bob has been missing since Friday.

    1. Hokey profile image58
      Hokeyposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      big_smile big_smile big_smile big_smile

  35. profile image0
    Pani Midnyte Odinposted 7 years ago

    A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to try to persuade him to donate.
    "Our research shows that you, with an annual income of at least $500,000, have never given a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to donate and make a contribution to the community?"
    The lawyer mulled this over for a moment, "Did your research also show you that my mother is dying from an illness and her medical bills are several times that of her annual income?"
    Embarrassed,the United Way representative says, "Um... no."
    The lawyer interrupts, "Did it tell you that my brother, who is a disabled veteran, is blind and in a wheel chair?"
    The stricken United Way representative tries to stammer out an apology, but is interrupted again.
    "How about the fact that my sister's husband  died in a traffic accident, leaving her penniless with three children?"
    The humiliated United Way representative, completely defeated, simply says, "I had no idea..."
    On a roll, the lawyer cuts him off one more time, "So... if I don't give THEM any money, why would I give any to you?"

    1. wyanjen profile image90
      wyanjenposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      heh heh
      damn lawyers

  36. nadiaazhar profile image78
    nadiaazharposted 7 years ago

    What is the fruitiest lesson?
    History, because it's full of dates!

  37. profile image0
    loriamooreposted 7 years ago

    A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his crotch.

    The bartender asks, "Do you realize you have a steering wheel on your crotc?"

    The pirate replies, "Argh, it's driving me nuts!"

    1. Hokey profile image58
      Hokeyposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      lol lol

  38. agvulpes profile image87
    agvulpesposted 7 years ago

    Ok insert the name as you like!

    One Irishman (blonde) walking on one side of the river calls out to the other Irishman (blonde) walking on the other side of the river:

    "Oih how do you get on to the other side"

    Came the reply from the other Irishman (blonde)

    "Silly you are on the other side"

    Boom Boom!

    hmm now I've offended everyone on HP I'm off to have dinner.

    cool

    1. earnestshub profile image87
      earnestshubposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      lol

  39. Hokey profile image58
    Hokeyposted 7 years ago

    Q: Why did the deviant cross the road?


    A: He was stuck in the chicken!  big_smile

  40. cheaptrick profile image74
    cheaptrickposted 7 years ago

    I was walking through the park last night.
    I saw a guy Mugging a little old lady.
    I Jumped right In!
    It took a while.
    But we Finally got her purse from her...

  41. HubChief profile image69
    HubChiefposted 7 years ago

    made a million dollar overnight on hubpages...

  42. cheaptrick profile image74
    cheaptrickposted 7 years ago

    My friend Blaine and I exchange Put Down jokes.He told me this one at work.

    "I dreamed I died and went to Heaven.
    When i got there I saw a wall covered with clocks.
    I asked Saint Peter what they were for?
    He said"We have a clock for each person on Earth,the hand goe's around Once each time they Masturbate"!
    I asked him were my friend Dean's clock was?
    He said,
    "Its in the back room,were using it as a Fan"!!

  43. cheaptrick profile image74
    cheaptrickposted 7 years ago

    Two guys go hunting.
    One says"I gotta Pee"so he goes behind a tree where he is Bitten on his Pee Pee by a rattle snake!
    He screams for his friend to call a Doctor.
    His friend does and asks the Doctor what to Do!
    The Doctor says"Cut two slits across the bite and Suck the Poison out"!
    The bit man asks"What Did the Doctor Say"?
    His friend says,
    "YOU GONNA DIE"!

  44. Hokey profile image58
    Hokeyposted 7 years ago

    My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy.
    I told him, 'If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion.'
    He said, 'Alright.... you're ugly too!'

  45. Hokey profile image58
    Hokeyposted 7 years ago

    A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"
    The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

    The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off – go ahead,

    I'll hold your monkey."

  46. theirishobserver. profile image61
    theirishobserver.posted 7 years ago

    good one Hokey, love it, smile

  47. Hokey profile image58
    Hokeyposted 7 years ago

    two fleas on a fanny one's a junkie and the other one's a robber how can you tell which is which ?

    the robber is hiding in the bush and the junkie is sniffing crack................

  48. RNMSN profile image89
    RNMSNposted 7 years ago

    Jogging gives me the Runs   smile

    1. Hokey profile image58
      Hokeyposted 7 years ago in reply to this

      lol

  49. Hokey profile image58
    Hokeyposted 7 years ago

    Airhead: What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

  50. mega1 profile image79
    mega1posted 7 years ago

    what do you get when you mix a car, a fly and a dog?








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