Little Bobby sat in the bathroom talking to his mother as she was taking a bath. She got up to dry herself when Bobby noticed something. With a puzzled look on his face he asked his mother, " Mommy what is that?"
She replied "That is where Daddy hit me with an ax."
I will seek and find you . I shall take you to bed and have my way with you I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan. I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop. I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you. And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days. All my love,
signed: The Flu
Now, quit thinking about sex and go get your flu shot!!!! hahaha got ya!
Sorry, I guess I'm not very good at being funny. the first one is cos there's lots of jokes about 'an englishman, irishman and scottishman. Knowing that this wasn't actually very funhy I added the second bit. They aren't laughing now would normally mean I had one the argument. But the fact that they aren't laughing means the joke wasn't very funny. The humor is supposed to be in this ambiguity / contradiction. In my defense, I got them both from a TV program I watched recently, and they were funny then.
I'm not sure if maybe this one should be on the Religious Forum but here is an Aussie joke.
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, Violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.' Poof! ... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'
Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river'
Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
" A guy goes to the church confessional and says,"Father I have sinned. I slept with 5 different women last nite." The priest says,"Go home and squeeze 5 lemons into a glass and drink it as fast as you can." "And I will be forgiven?" asks the man. "No." the priest says,"but it will wipe the smirk off your face!"
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really mad. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds and it better be there!" The next morning, Bob got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked in the driveway. Sure enough, there was a gift-wrapped box in the middle of the driveway. Confused, Bob's wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, picked up the box, and brought it back into the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. ...Bob has been missing since Friday.
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to try to persuade him to donate. "Our research shows that you, with an annual income of at least $500,000, have never given a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to donate and make a contribution to the community?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment, "Did your research also show you that my mother is dying from an illness and her medical bills are several times that of her annual income?" Embarrassed,the United Way representative says, "Um... no." The lawyer interrupts, "Did it tell you that my brother, who is a disabled veteran, is blind and in a wheel chair?" The stricken United Way representative tries to stammer out an apology, but is interrupted again. "How about the fact that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her penniless with three children?" The humiliated United Way representative, completely defeated, simply says, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cuts him off one more time, "So... if I don't give THEM any money, why would I give any to you?"
My friend Blaine and I exchange Put Down jokes.He told me this one at work.
"I dreamed I died and went to Heaven. When i got there I saw a wall covered with clocks. I asked Saint Peter what they were for? He said"We have a clock for each person on Earth,the hand goe's around Once each time they Masturbate"! I asked him were my friend Dean's clock was? He said, "Its in the back room,were using it as a Fan"!!
Two guys go hunting. One says"I gotta Pee"so he goes behind a tree where he is Bitten on his Pee Pee by a rattle snake! He screams for his friend to call a Doctor. His friend does and asks the Doctor what to Do! The Doctor says"Cut two slits across the bite and Suck the Poison out"! The bit man asks"What Did the Doctor Say"? His friend says, "YOU GONNA DIE"!
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off – go ahead,
Moses, Jesus and this old guy are playing golf.Moses drives the ball and it goes right for a pond, so moses parts the water and the ball roles up the opposite bank.Jesus drives the ball and sure enough, it goes right...