A kindergarden teacher was teaching her students the definition of definately. To ensure they understood the meaning she asked her class to use "definately" in a sentence. One little girl raised her hand and the teacher called on her.
"The sky is definately blue."
The teacher said to her, "That's good but the sky can turn gray so that's not quite right."
A little boy raised his hand and the teacher called on him.
"The grass is definately green."
Again the teacher said, "That's good but if you don't water the grass it turns brown so that's not quite right."
Another little boy raised his hand and the teacher called on him.
"Do farts have lumps?"
The teacher confused by the question responded, "No, but what does that have to do with the question?"
The little boy replied, "Then I just definately shit my pants."
Actually this is not a joke because every word of this actually happened to a friend of mine but still is funny as hell.
A friend of mine has a grown son living with her that is "mentally challenged".
Trying to be politically correct here and not use the "R" word in describing his condition. Anyway each day she would call home just to check on her son because of his mental situation. About a month ago she called home to check on him and the son informed his mom that he had captured a "leprechaun" and had him locked in the closet. He also informed his mom that he was keeping the leprechaun alive by slipping "skiddles" under the closet door. Humoring her son she said okay son that is good and I'll call you back later. Two hours later she did call her son again and again her son told her the same story about the leprechaun that he had captured and he was still feeding him skiddles to keep him from starving. This time themom was a little more concerned so she asked her boss if she could leave work long enough to go home and check on her son, she thought maybe that he hadn't taken his meds for the day. Once she got home her son did have a chair wedged against the closet door and also she heard someone inside the closet raising hell wanting to be let out of the closet. Not knowing what to expect she did open the door. After she opened the door she discovered an irate census taker that just happened to be a dwarf. So this was the leprechaun that her son kept telling his mom about. Again this is a true story, funny as hell I thought but then again I am not the leprechaun that was forced into the closet.
A guy sitting on a plane notices that the woman sitting next to him keeps sneezing then squirming in her seat. After doing this a few times, he asked her "Are you alright?"
She replied "I'm sorry if I'm bothering you, but I have a condition that makes me have an orgasim everytime I sneeze."
"That is quite some problem, what are you taking for it?" He asked
"Pepper" She answered
A teacher, interested in what her students knew of the world they lived in, decided to hold up pictures to get the students response.
The first was a Tree, "What's this? She asked
"That's a tree teacher," answered a little girl.
The next was a Cow, "What's this," she asked.
"A cow," came a little boys answer.
The third was Buck deer with large horns. "What's this?"
No one answered so she decided to call on Johnny.
"Can you give me a hint?" he asked.
"Sure, your Mom calls your dad this sometimes."
Little Johnny answered..."So that's what a horney bas#@% looks like!"
A blond just texted me and asked me what "IDK" means.
I said, "I Don't Know".
She replied, "OMG! NO ONE DOES!"
Gotta love a good blonde joke.
A newly married man and woman were going at it and the man notice that every time he moved forward the woman's toes would curl. He thought that was cool but thought nothing more of it.
Then one day they were going at it in the shower and he noticed that her toes weren't curling so he asked her, "Why when we're laying down your toes curl but when we're in the shower they don't curl?"
she said, "Silly, I take my pantyhose off in the shower."
A few lawyer jokes
What do you call a bus full of lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
Why are lawyers wives always unsatisfied?
They get screwed after everyone else.
Here's a good one. Got this one online.
Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and
family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the
greates doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful
husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our
children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies,
"I would like to hear them say... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
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