So, a young fellow leaves collge to visit his grandpa, who lives in a primitive cabin in the woods. He lives off the land; has no utiities. His sink sports an old-fashioned water pump, and he has a wood stove.
As they are eating dinner by lantern light, and catching up on the years, the young man thinks he sees a speck of dried food on his plate, but figures it is the poor lighting and says nothing.
The next morning at breakfast, he was sure he saw dried food, but still refrained from pointing it out, figuring the old man's eyesight might be failing.
However, at lunch, he had quite a large bit of stuck-on food, and he finally spoke, "Grandpa, there is some dried food left on the plate from breakfast. I don't think it got washed well." The old man grunted, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Eat your lunch!"
Again at dinner, same story. The old man snarled, "I told you at lunch, they're as clean as cold water can get them! Don't bother me about it again!" The young fellow shrugged, and tried to just eat around the spot.
Later, he decided to go out and sit on the porch. His grandfather's dog was blocking the door, and growling at him. "Grandpa, your dog won't let me by." Gramps looked up from his newspaper and called, "Coldwater, get out of the way!"
A fellow buys a horse from an old preacher. The preacher gives the guy very specific instructions on how to make the horse go and stop.
"Remember, " he creaks... "this is a religious horse. To make him go, bow your head over and whisper, 'Jesus Christ.' To make him stop, say 'Amen.' "
The fellow pays, gets on the horse, leans down and whispers, "Jesus Christ." The horse obediently starts off. After they go a ways, something spooks the horse, and he breaks into a full gallop. The rider panics, forgets the magic word, and keeps hollering, "WHOA! STOP!! WHOA!!" all to no avail.
Finally, he remembers, and shouts out "AMEN!" The horse skids to a halt right at the edge of a cliff. The rider heaves a big sigh of relief, wipes his brow, and exclaims, "Jesus Christ!"
A pirate captain haunts the high seas, doing battle and plundering as pirates do. As he is about to engage in a battle, he calls out, "Cabin boy! Bring me my red shirt!" They enter the battle and are victorious.
A week goes by, and they spy another victim. Again, "Cabin boy! Bring my my red shirt!" This goes on for several months, and finally the cabin boy asks, "Why do you always call for your red shirt when we are about to do battle?" Replies the pirate, "That is so if I am hit, my men will not see the blood, and they will have the courage to continue."
A few months later, the wily old pirate is on lookout, and finds himself surrounded by the British navy.
He scrambles down, and bellows, "Cabin boy!! Bring me my brown pants!"