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Joke

  1. DzyMsLizzy profile image91
    DzyMsLizzyposted 6 years ago

    So, a young fellow leaves collge to visit his grandpa, who  lives in a primitive cabin in the woods. He lives off the land; has no utiities.  His sink sports an old-fashioned water pump, and he has a wood stove.

    As they are eating dinner by lantern light, and catching up on the years, the young man thinks he sees a speck of dried food on his plate, but figures it is the poor lighting and says nothing.

    The next morning at breakfast, he was sure he saw dried food, but still refrained from pointing it out, figuring the old man's eyesight might be failing.

    However, at lunch, he had quite a large bit of stuck-on food, and he finally spoke, "Grandpa, there is some dried food left on the plate from breakfast.  I don't think it got washed well."  The old man grunted, "They're as clean as cold water can get them.  Eat your lunch!"

    Again at dinner, same story.  The old man snarled, "I told you at lunch, they're as clean as cold water can get them!  Don't bother me about it again!"  The young fellow shrugged, and tried to just eat around the spot.

    Later, he decided to go out and sit on the porch.  His grandfather's dog was blocking the door, and growling at him.  "Grandpa, your dog won't let me by."  Gramps looked up from his newspaper and called, "Coldwater, get out of the way!"

    1. alternate poet profile image80
      alternate poetposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      big_smile  Must be early in the morning here - I didn't see that punch coming big_smile

  2. SomewayOuttaHere profile image61
    SomewayOuttaHereposted 6 years ago

    ha ha ha ha .....that's funny....made me laugh out loud!

  3. mythbuster profile image86
    mythbusterposted 6 years ago

    What an excellent joke!!

    Can I re-tell this one? It's clean AND very funny.

    Thanks for sharing.

    1. DzyMsLizzy profile image91
      DzyMsLizzyposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      Sure, mythbuster--it's been around the block a few times--I forget who first told it to me.   I own no copyrights on it.  ;-)

      1. alternate poet profile image80
        alternate poetposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        The old ones are the best - come on DMS  give us another !

        1. DzyMsLizzy profile image91
          DzyMsLizzyposted 6 years ago in reply to this

          umm.. ok, alternate poet... here goes:

          A fellow buys a horse from an old preacher.  The preacher gives the guy very specific instructions on how to make the horse go and stop.

          "Remember, "  he creaks... "this is a religious horse.  To make him go, bow your head over and whisper, 'Jesus Christ.'    To make him stop, say  'Amen.'  "

          The fellow pays, gets on the horse, leans down and whispers, "Jesus Christ."   The horse obediently starts off.  After they go a ways, something spooks the horse, and he breaks into a full gallop.
          The rider panics, forgets the magic word, and keeps hollering, "WHOA!  STOP!! WHOA!!"  all to no avail.

          Finally, he remembers, and shouts out "AMEN!"  The horse skids to a halt right at the edge of a cliff.  The rider heaves a big sigh of relief, wipes his brow, and exclaims, "Jesus Christ!"

          1. alternate poet profile image80
            alternate poetposted 6 years ago in reply to this

            big_smile   Thje first old joke I hadn't hear yet !!!   like that one.

  4. Lisa HW profile image82
    Lisa HWposted 6 years ago

    Very cute (a little disturbing, but very cute).   smile

  5. KCC Big Country profile image84
    KCC Big Countryposted 6 years ago

    Very cute.  Reminds me of the one with the parrot telling the robber that "Jesus is watching you" over and over.  Then you discover that Jesus is the name of the vicious dog that's about to bite him.

    1. DzyMsLizzy profile image91
      DzyMsLizzyposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      ROFL, KCC Big Country--that's a good one!

  6. sofs profile image87
    sofsposted 6 years ago

    Just brought the chuckle out, kind of cute!!!  smile

  7. KristenGrace profile image59
    KristenGraceposted 6 years ago

    First joke was great! I'll be telling that to a few people in the morning!!

  8. Iamsam profile image65
    Iamsamposted 6 years ago

    very nice joke

    Thanks

  9. Sara555 profile image84
    Sara555posted 6 years ago

    Ha ha Both the jokes are great! smile

  10. Balmung profile image75
    Balmungposted 6 years ago

    Those were both good jokes.

  11. attemptedhumour profile image61
    attemptedhumourposted 6 years ago

    Haven't heard that one before, clever though and funny. Cheers

  12. DzyMsLizzy profile image91
    DzyMsLizzyposted 6 years ago

    Ready for another?  Hang on!

    A pirate captain haunts the high seas, doing battle and plundering as pirates do.  As he is about to engage in a battle, he calls out, "Cabin boy!  Bring me my red shirt!"  They enter the battle and are victorious.

    A week goes by, and they spy another victim.  Again, "Cabin boy!  Bring my my red shirt!"  This goes on for several months, and finally the cabin boy asks, "Why do you always call for your red shirt when we are about to do battle?"
    Replies the pirate, "That is so if I am hit, my men will not see the blood, and they will have the courage to continue."

    A few months later, the wily old pirate is on lookout, and  finds himself surrounded by the British navy. 

    He scrambles down, and bellows, "Cabin boy!!  Bring me my brown pants!"

  13. paradigmsearch profile image90
    paradigmsearchposted 6 years ago

    .
    I want to die peacefully and in my sleep, like my grandpa. Not screaming and crying like his passengers.
    .

  14. paradigmsearch profile image90
    paradigmsearchposted 6 years ago

    Subject: Shipwrecked

    A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre.

    They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

    After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

    She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.

    It was tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and, after a while, nature once more took its inevitable course.

    Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

    So they buried Deirdre.

    1. DzyMsLizzy profile image91
      DzyMsLizzyposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      OMG!!  Didn't see that one coming!!  LOL

  15. profile image0
    BuzzNightsposted 6 years ago

    Behind every successful student,
    there is one Girl friend..
    But what about a failed student..??
    ....
    ...
    ..
    .
    .
    .
    ?
    ??
    ???

    A Beautiful Teacher..!!

 
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