let me be the water of the deep wide sea,
drown you with in me,
cover you with ecstacey.
let me be the wind and wisper in your ears,
be the only word you will ever hear.
i will be the tree you would rest by,
to get a peace of mind.
let me be the sun above the sky,
shine on you every moarning,
make you feel the greatness of every day.
I like "let me be"
, ever just liked to be let be
but yet commitment kept you tied to thee
Let me be
and set my mind free
from the problems that trouble thee
Your life is not mine, just a choice
to strive divine,
let me be and set your soul free from
problems and disharmony
I did notice that you spelled ecstasy. Unless you purposely spelled it the way you did?
And I couldn't exactly tell whether you wanted to say 'shine on you every "morning"'. or if you really meant "moarning"
Other than that, it is a pretty good poem I think.
I am the water
in the deep blue sea.
Swim in my essence
as you drown in me.
This is a little start. The meter looks a little better this way.
"cover you with ecstacey." Doesn't really fit in with the meter.
I cant really fit it anywhere.
I am the cool wind
who whispers and blows
words you want to hear
with love it bestows.
I prefer "I am" as opposed to "let me". "Let me" is a older traditional sense in poetry. I think it is hard to write poetry with classical words. That is just me. I tried to break this into a more readable meter. I might of changed the meaning a little so this is just an example that you can use to rewrite.
I think there are some good things in your poem and I like the over all message and the use metaphor. However, if it is put in a more readable fashion, the words will carry more impact in the readers mind. It will be pleasant for the mind to read so people will enjoy reading it.
I hope this helps.
My initial feeling about your poem is I like it very much,,,,,, If you change it to suit anyone else, then it is not you....... Keep writing, i will look out for more of your work, Thanks for sharing,.
Drown you with in me
Are you drowning with them?
are they drowning in you or being submerged?
not only does the grammar not check out which isn't really a problem in poetry but two things that could be separate lines are oddly thrown together.
what is good for you stays positive
what isn't always shows you just that
when you prove a wrong right then you have surcome
to what is the wrong
What is for you , always reflects what it is
Moving on, have you moved on, changed or remained the same
Moving on to what is for you.
i really like the poem it helpt me out read my poem love is a gamble
by Rob Welsh5 years ago
I wrote this poetry hub to show people that using poetry on Valentine's Day can be a really nice thing to do..I wrote the poem to all the women in the world and if it fits you.. then please accept it as my wish to you...
by qwark6 years ago
DAWN:In hidden niches here and there,in caves and stumps of trees, all life from everywheresneak out to test the breeze.Sleepy little breezes stirand wake up full of glee,to sing and dance and wing there way down...
by Susan Reid6 years ago
Here's my example. My husband left this morning on a five-day fishing trip with his buddies. I honestly am happy for him going. But I was annoyed that he spent the last week packing, buying a new fishing rod, really...
by TMinut7 years ago
I'm amazed at what I keep seeing! There are diaper babies running around unattended everywhere, they show up in my yard. I live in a townhouse complex so it's not literally "my" yard. But still, does anyone...
by cooldad4 months ago
My opinion is that Michael Jackson was a kid toucher, bottom line. I loved Jackson's music when I was a kid, but when he started bleaching his skin and wearing shin guards, I realized something wasn't quite right...
by wesleycox7 years ago
Yes I did write another poem. As I have stated I am in a tough spot right now and have figured out how to word this emotion.The Beast withinhas always been heldby a veil, so thinits fury unstoppableits rage burns...
Copyright © 2017 HubPages Inc. and respective owners.
Other product and company names shown may be trademarks of their respective owners.
HubPages® is a registered Service Mark of HubPages, Inc.
HubPages and Hubbers (authors) may earn revenue on this page based on affiliate relationships and advertisements with partners including Amazon, Google, and others.