I started breathin this air 19 years ago some say I've been around the block but just so you know I'm not a ho. I'm livin on my own but im not livin by myself I got the girl I always wanted. Man she's somethin else. She's got some long brown hair and some pretty blue eyes this girls so amazing I hope to never say goodbye. We've been together for two months but man it feels like years how close we've come together it's like we've all ready got them rings. Some times we fight. I mean we disagree. But what can you expect a perfect relationship is only a dream. I just wanted to tell. Just to let you know. I love you more then bill Clinton likes blow jobs from ugly dumb whores.
You'll probably get flagged for this.
I like this line
"Just to let you know.
I love you more then bill Clinton likes blow jobs from ugly dumb whores."
but i can be tweaked to:
"Just to let you know.
I love you more then bill Clinton LIKED blow jobs form THAT ugly dumb hoe."
It sounds real good though, it goes hard! It sounds more like a rap. A tad bit more rougher than a poem. A+ WORK
You could make this into a really good piece of poetry with a lot of work - it has the basics of what it needs - if you worked on the layout, lost the half-hearted rap rythm and either make it full-on rap or something better than that if you have the skill, and I think you might want to balance your opening 'ho' with the over-heavy ending ' . . . whores' - also it makes it appear that you have an unhealthy attitude to whores - on many levels they are just people who have had bad breaks and just trying to get by, just like you . .
There are some nice elements to your poetry. I liked how you told us your age by saying "I started breathing the air 19 years ago."
I also get a sense of your rage toward women you've probably dated before. It's hard for me to say this, especially as a woman, but I take no offense with your use of "ho" (actually regarding yourself) and later use of "whore" regarding other women. I don't get the feeling it's stuck there for shock value. The anger is really palpable. But as China man suggests, how would it look if you added something to balance it, like a bit more about your current relationship?
Also, Clinton comes out of nowhere as I read this piece. I'm not sure, though, whether or not I'd suggest preparing the reader for this surprise or not and leave for others to help decide.
At any rate, it takes guts to put your work out there. I appreciate that and I also appreciate the rhythm your piece delivers.
dis was cool man....i mean i hav no respect for what you have written...but sometimes it is entertaining to read some quality shit than a deep beautiful poetry.....ha ha
Hay, I really liked this piece. It speaks to each of us who have learned to trust the heart and the mind in kind, Not just the mest that lust for flesh brings. The song you sing with pen and ink is nicely written.
Nah ! it is just bad, and not in a good way.
However, as someone said earlier, it has basic elements and with a lot of work . . . .
It's not poetry, but this guy has a knack for writing prose that feels so natural!
The other thing that's natural is sex. And Emery should have every right to mention blow jobs. I don't know why it's okay for Presidents to get us into endless wars but it's not okay for them to receive blow jobs. Must be because we live in a puritanical country, and this puritanism finds its way into the literary world. Censorship in the form of political correctness is still with us. I'm sure that DH Lawrence and Vladimir Nabokov might get a red flag if they were posting today. What a shame!
Anyway, thank you Emery!
Oh boy, I hope I can say this without getting a red flag since we live in a country founded by Puritans, but the only thing that Bill Clinton did that I would have done myself is that whole Monica Lewinsky thing. That's the only thing he did that made any sense to me.
But then again, I'm allergic to all politicians of both political parties. Perhaps that's why I stick to literature.
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