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Critique my pitch, please

  1. 60
    Soumyanaposted 5 years ago


    Here is my pitch for ABNA yearly award.
    Please, tell me what you think of it.

    Thanks a bunch


    Zia is a young girl who lives in a town called Islamdale in the year 2500. She could be happy, but she is not because she is frightened by life and by people to the point of breaking down.
    It starts by her new Sikh neighbor she wonders a lot about. Is he wearing a dagger?  Is he making those noises she hears at night in the attic? Why is he so curt? And why in the world is there men parading in and out of his condo? Being prejudiced is not helping either.
    The rest of the world is not even safer. Will Mrs. Stalk, her across the lawn neighbor stop taking her parking space or will she get out of control? Will the earthquakes relent and the police sirens stop beating the pavement? Will the News talk about something else than sick people and neighbors being randomly murdered?
    She tries to find emotional support among family and friends, but her siblings disapprove of her constantly, from her desire to meet the last scholar on earth to her visit to a mystic religious group. 
    Will her roommate Maymoona take her seriously for once? Will her sister Nooria convince her that marriage is not worth in a world where 20 girls are born for 1 boy?

    But, maybe they are all wrong and she is the one who see things clearly.
    Will Zia get over her flaws and come of age? Will she trust in destiny and God at last?

    Islamdale 2500 is 50,000 words long. It was written based on the minor signs of the end of the world viewed by one of the major religions.  This novel is at the same time a mystery, a science-fiction book and a young adult novel.   I have been researching the religious, scientific details for two years, making this manuscript a serious psychological thriller.  Islamdale 2500 wants to be  that Twilight Zone people of the future might experience one day.

    1. tmbridgeland profile image85
      tmbridgelandposted 5 years ago in reply to this

      Since this is young adult, take it over to the YALITCHAT website and enter it in the query critique section. Other writers will go over it and give you great feedback. It is a great website. They aslo help with other aspects of wirting, including finding an agent.

      Also, google Query Shark. That website is run by a literary agent. She critiques a few queries a month, and you can watch the process unfold, and read all of the queries over the last several years she has helped people with.

      Best of luck

  2. ar.colton profile image94
    ar.coltonposted 5 years ago

    Wow that's a lot of question marks. I suggest you consolidate considerably. What is the central theme and conflict of your story? The way it is now it sounds very busy and scattered.

  3. 60
    Soumyanaposted 5 years ago

    Thank you so much for responding.
    Let's see.
    The central theme(moral of the story?) is that we should not judge people on their appearance.
    The conflict?
    Zia is scared by her neighbor because he looks different but he turns out to be a person from her community.

  4. ar.colton profile image94
    ar.coltonposted 5 years ago

    Okay, try writing a blurb that gives the reader something to grab on to, somehting to care about. Just one or two things mind you, and a good idea of the setting and genre.

    You don't necessarily need to tell us it's the year 2500, just let us know it a sci fi buy giving us intriguing story elements.

  5. 60
    Soumyanaposted 5 years ago

    Thank you.

    Could you please tell me if this is better?
    This is much appreciated.

    The year is 2500. Earthquakes, illness, and murder are all too common. Neighbors can't trust each other. It's everyone for themself.

    In such an unhappy world, Zia meets her new neighbor. He looks different, talks differently, appears curt and scares her. And a parade of men come in and out of his condo day and night, making her door buzz every time. Weird. What is happening? Is she safe?
    She seeks truth and emotional support from friends and family, but they do not take her seriously. How far will she have to go to find answers? Will she finds the answers she seeks? Are there even answers to be found?

    Journey to Islamdale!

    Islamdale 2500 is 50,000 words story, written based on minor signs of the end of the world as viewed by one major religion.  This novel is both a mystery as well as a science-fiction book geared towards young adults.  Details for this novel comprise two years of research, making this manuscript a serious psychological thriller.  Islamdale 2500 wants to be the Twilight Zone that people of the future might experience one day.

  6. ar.colton profile image94
    ar.coltonposted 5 years ago

    That is so much better! Though you can probably cut out "Weird" and the capitalised "And". That is gripping and gets me interested without being confusing or giving too much away.

    Good luck on the award!

    1. 60
      Soumyanaposted 5 years ago in reply to this

      Thanks a bunch

  7. Reynold Jay profile image85
    Reynold Jayposted 5 years ago

    Air.coulton helped you dramatically improve this. Good work !  RJ

  8. ShaylynnDenne profile image60
    ShaylynnDenneposted 5 years ago

    I've never been one for a future read, but I like how your pitch gives many questions and absolutely no answers. Though, you did seem to give some questions that I didn't find was really needed to hook anyone.

    Regardless, nice work. :]