Please check out my last hub to see my story, i would love love love any feedback that anyone has, it would mean a lot to me! thank you!
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You want complete honesty right?
I know this is only the first section of a story, and therefore a draft, but you should still strive for quality. You work had a lot of technical errors.
1. The first letter of a sentence is capitalized. So many of your sentences are not capitalized.
2. To show possessive, you should use apostrophe s. If your character is looking at "Jarods [whatever]", she is actually looking at "Jarod's [whatever]". This is another common mistake in your short piece.
3. Spell check. I saw at least one misspelling that would have been caught by spell check. I saw another "bar tender" that wouldn't be caught by spell check so you should definitely proofread manually.
4. Pacing. You mention Chakra is a place and that Jarod is the bartender, thus Chakra is some form of pub or club. This connection, because it is implied and not stated, will fleet from short memory very quickly. So by the time you say "doing Chakra", the reader is likely to have forgotten what Chakra was and may be confused and be forced to track back. Always remember that a reader trying out a story is not going to be overly attentive. That kind of attention span is only for once a reader is hooked. You should refrain from tugging at short memory in the beginning of a story while a reader is still trying to determine if it's worth reading or not.
Otherwise, there isn't much else to say. There is no conflict yet so it's difficult to tell where the story is going and whether or not I'd be interested in reading further.
This isn't to say you should have a conflict yet; many books take the time to present a character background before entering a conflict so it's alright. It just means that without more information, I can't tell how likely I personally would be to purchase. I would indeed want to read further (at least for a bit) to find out what the story was, but I wouldn't make a purchasing decision yet.
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