How to Live with Your Skinny Friends
There is nothing more annoying than eating or shopping with a skinny person but there is nothing worse than living with one. While they have no problem walking around the apartment or house in a towels, bra and panties or boxers, you find yourself hanging a full snowsuit on the back of the bathroom door, just in case they are home when you finish showering. Their fat days include laying on the couch with a tub of ice cream and a chick flick, though they never miss their early morning run. Your fat days include a tub of cookie dough and a horror film while being completely locked in your bedroom, away from their nonjudgmental eyes.
Does this sound familiar to you? I know, it hurts that refined sugar has not passed your lips in nine months and your boy/girlfriend has not seen you naked in nearly eight. I have pledged my life to making your life better, while living with a skinny person.
If you are a woman willingly living with a size zero female than you will be forced to help her choose outfits for dates, nights out with her model-like friends and those weddings you have both been invited to. Unfortunately, whatever you choose to wear in comparison to your friend will look like a tarp or muumuu and she will, of course, compliment you on your 'bangin' bod.
She will actually mean it. It will make you feel like the fat unattractive swamp marm, especially since you just caught sight of the back of her legs: yep, untouched by cellulite.
By month three, your skinny roommate will have convinced you to join her gym and after a night of cosmos, you totes agreed to run a marathon come spring. Yeah, I'm not sure what possessed you to do it, either. Watching her workout will be completely unnerving, considering you have never seen her break a sweat nor does anything on her body seem to move without her knowledge. I don't know when you became the sweaty fat friend, but fortunately she hasn't noticed. Though the guy at the elliptical has and he has been judging you for the last forty five minutes, it's given him a break from figuring out a way to ask your friend out.
I am sorry to say but you will have started rethinking your boyfriend, as well. While she thinks he's the greatest thing since the fat-flush, you have started comparing her boyfriend to your own. He looks gorgeous all the time, no matter if he just woke up or just breezed in from his morning run (with a muffin for you) while your boyfriend has a cheeto stuck to his beard.
You would move out but she's just so f**kin nice. Your book on the joys of secret eating will be a New York Times best-seller, so there is that.
If you are man living with a lean toned god then you are well-versed in slow deconstruction of your fragile male ego. While he has no problem walking around the apartment in a towel, his abs still glistening from the shower, you have taken to showering in a t-shirt: it's like doing laundry and cleaning yourself, at once. Dude, you are basically single-handedly solving the worlds environmental issue.
Gratuitous nudity? Your roommate has no problem with nakedness, it would seem things grow larger on a smaller, leaner plot of land. You, however, have not seen your body naked since the day after you moved in; you know, the day after you saw his perfect sculpted ass. Your girlfriend still hasn't experienced morning from your bed, and you're not sure if she ever will. You can't risk her comparing that low swinger with the fantastic genes to you, and your extra ten pounds.
You and him workout together nearly everyday and while he seems to remain completely toned and svelte, you can't figure it out. You saw him eating nachos the other day and drinking beer with your buds but his muscles must just deflect fat, lucky bastard. The girls at the gym and in the bar seem to fawn all over him but he only has eyes for his beautiful girlfriend, who happens to be a professional b!tch. Yesterday, after she finished the last of your orange juice, you apologized for not having more. I'm still not sure why you did it either but ... she still hates you, sorry.
You would move out but he has always got your back and is your oldest friend, and one day you will write a famous comedy about your odd couple experience. He will be rich too, but for something completely different.
He will always be a great guy, and sometimes it makes you feel sick.
The best thing you can do when living with a skinny person is write everything down and take loads of photos of them. You can sell their underwear on ebay or craigslist to help fund your education, they will probably think it's flattering- if they ever were to find out.
Just remember one thing - one thing to help you get through it all - they will one day be fat. And, on that day, you will be there to take photos, even if it is only five pounds. It's still something they didn't have before.
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