How Not To Find A Literary Agent

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Finding An Agent For Your Book

It's tough. In fact, so tough a lot of people give up and go it alone. You, however, want that big New York contract with one of the Big Six publishers. You're going to be the next Dan Brown or J. K. Rowling, give up your day job, and never have to worry about money again. But there's this pesky thing called a literary agent these people insist you have before you can do that. Besides, a literary agent handles everything for you. All you have to do is write for a couple of hours a day and then enjoy the rest of your time.

So, how do you find one?

Send It To All Of Them

There are these huge long lists of literary agents. Any one of them could read and enjoy your book and then help you get that massive publishing contract of your dreams.

So. You'll send it to all of them. I mean, even if they don't do your genre, they still might love it. They might put in a good word with somebody who does. And so what if they aren't taking submissions right now? Your book is different. It's so much better than the crap out there that they have to like it. And they'll know just the editor to send it to.

Include The Entire Manuscript

What's with this 'query letter' thing? You can't describe your book in a few sentences. The only way to fully understand it is to read it.

All of it. Not just three chapters. Man, these agents are such silly people. Still, if you send them the entire book, they won't be able to put it down. Then they'll sign you on the spot. They can't properly judge it any other way, and these silly policies are just a way to keep writers down anyway. For that matter, you have to wonder if some of these people even read the manuscript. Ah well. They'll read yours, for sure.

Supply An Appropriate 'Incentive'.

These agents must have such long days reading everyone's books. So, why not brighten their day up? A candy bar would be perfect...you can just slip it into the manuscript.

Or, well. Hot authors sell books. You look great in that beach photograph. The agent would love a copy of that. Especially if you're sending it to an agent of the opposite sex. Right?

And hey...you have plenty of money. You could slip a $20 in there. That would definitely be appreciated.

Make Sure Everyone Knows About The Mean Agents Who Rejected You

Argh! You got rejected.

You got rejected a ton of times. None of these people appreciate your art! Well, how about letting the entire world know about it.

Better yet, you got this great rejection letter that slams your book. How about putting it on your blog for all to see. Then you can prove them wrong.

And if they've all rejected you...then it's time to self publish, isn't it?

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Comments 4 comments

rabecker profile image

rabecker 5 years ago

lol, A funny satirical hub. Thank you for the "Not what to do tips".


point2make profile image

point2make 5 years ago

Funny Hub but you know someone might just take your "steps" to heart and try them. Wouldn't that be a hoot if we all soon read the hub of a newly discovered author that tried a "new" approach to finding an agent. Thanks for the laugh...voted up!


PiaC profile image

PiaC 5 years ago from Oakland, CA

I laughed aloud when I read your pointer about sending a picture of yourself! It's kind of true though - authors often worry if they will be rejected on the basis of their looks! I guess we are all rather insecure people, and nothing can truly change that. The incentive of a candy bar is pretty funny too!


jenniferrpovey profile image

jenniferrpovey 5 years ago Author

point2make - I haven't included anything in these how not hubs that hasn't been DONE. The candy bar story came from an editor friend of mine (it melted all over the author's manuscript). It's all real stuff, that's why it's funny.

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