How Not To Promote Your Novel

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So, You Have Your Novel...

...but nobody's buying it. This putting it on Amazon and waiting thing isn't working. Oh yes. You have to promote.

There are all kinds of ways to promote. Here are some great ideas for getting your masterpiece into the hands of the thousands of readers who would be slavering to read it if only they knew it existed.

The Email Blast

It works for everyone else. Why not hire an email blast company to send advertisements for your book to everyone on the planet? Even if most of them aren't interested, you're guaranteed to find the ones that are. Nobody can sell to everyone, but it's important to be sure everyone knows your book exists.

And all you need is your book description and that wonderful cover art you have. People will be ordering your book within seconds of receiving the email. It doesn't even cost that much. Okay, maybe you'll annoy a few people, but they wouldn't have liked your book anyway, so you lose nothing.

Invite Everyone To The Launch Party

Oh yes! This guy did an online launch party for his book in a chatroom. He says it went really well and all his friends came and everything. It was much cheaper than doing a real launch party and he could do it in his pajamas.

Except just inviting your friends doesn't seem to be that great an idea. Your friends already bought your book, or will the second its launched. Friends do that...it's what they're for. You need people who will tell everyone about your book. Maybe a few of those review bloggers? Or maybe you could just do an email blast and invite absolutely everyone.

And, of course, launch parties are the perfect place to gloat. How about inviting all the agents and editors who rejected your manuscript so they can see how successful you are without them?

Spam Social Media

Somebody else said they sold thousands of books on Twitter. You've never actually used Twitter before, but it's easy. All you do is send the link out there and everyone will follow you and then buy the book. Every five minutes seems about right.

And all successful writers are on Facebook. That's easy too. Same thing. Keep reminding people about your book. They'll flock to buy it. Oh, and if using Google Plus, do make sure to do a mass notification. Then it will go straight to their email inbox. They can't miss it that way. Make sure to include all of your circles, and ask to join any relevant shared circles - that will get you hundreds of followers quickly.

Tell The Bookstores Everyone Wants It

Those pesky bookstores. They won't stock your self-published book, and keep muttering things about it being unreturnable. Maybe if a lot of orders were placed, though, they would.

Oh, hey. You could always just place a thousand orders then cancel them when they've already shipped. Then they'll have to do something with those books, and surely they'll make an effort to sell them once they're there cluttering up the place.

Getting Your Friends To Review Your Book

Oh, horror of horrors. The only review you have of your book is a one star review clearly posted by somebody who doesn't like you. He didn't quite say your father smelled of elderberries, but it was close.

First of all, you need to tell that reviewer he's full of it right away. You absolutely have to defend yourself from his terrible slander.

Second of all, all your friends bought your book. They can write reviews. And because they're your friends, you can trust them to be honest and give you the wonderful five star reviews your hard work and talent deserve.

There You Go

Lots of great ways to make lots of sales on your self-published masterpiece. It's so easy even an idiot can do it. So, what's holding you back?

I can think of a few things...

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