How to, not write, another How to!
Yesterday, I spent some time "hub hopping" only to discover that I was really "how to" hopping. "How you can teach your dog to bark the national anthem. " "How to make cookies with ingredients found only in your compost pile." "How to keep your under-ware from riding into the discomfort zone. " and a host of others. These all served, to illuminate my obvious, ignorant and lazy mind. These barn burners captured my imagination and moved in me, to consider writing my own "how to".
After an hour of continuous perusing, I concluded that I was the only living person on the planet not telling everyone else "how to" do something. Not wanting to be left out or excluded from anything sweeping America, I began considering the things I knew so that I could share them with everyone anxiously awaiting some "how to" from my newly liberated mind.
After some profound soul searching, I realized that the only thing I knew was how not to write a "how to" article. Imagine the elation I felt finding a thing that I could do. Furthermore, no one else in America knew how to do the thing, which I discovered, I didn't know how to do! Enlightened and empowered, I felt compelled to share my new knowledge with everyone else in America and put pen to paper immediately on a work destined for literary immortality.
I hadn't written two words when I realized that telling you "how to not do something", was in itself, telling you "how to" do something. I was demoralized. I fell into despair. The anguish tormented my soul for minutes and then! It came to me like manna from heaven. I knew how to write a "how to" about absolutely nothing! I was overjoyed. My heart swelled with pride. I found the perfect "how to". I found "how to" write about nothing and I could tell all America "how to" write about nothing. I could write endlessly about "nothing" and the world would flock to my writings to read, about absolutely "nothing".
Think of the time we could save writing about nothing. Reading about nothing would be a breeze and if you can't read, who cares; What would you miss? None of us would ever confront writer's block again. No need for spell check and the grammatical queen who always leaves a little comment in the comment section! Gone with the wind! This could be the single greatest money making idea ever written and I don't know a thing about it. As a matter of fact, my not knowing anything about "how to" is the very nothing, I know nothing about and I've discovered it. Writing about nothing is everything I know nothing about and therefore, I know the only something about the nothing that you want to know something about.
I am, needless to say, overjoyed and humbled all at once, however, since I know nothing about what I've written about, I don't know why I'm overjoyed, but, it doesn't matter, because everybody reading this knows less about it, than the nothing I know about it. If you don't think everybody wants to know how to write about nothing, then count the eyes that have come this far to read the about the nothing that I have so eloquently writen?
The following fifty pages are everything I know about "how to" write about nothing. Share them with anyone you want. It is enough for me to know that I have writen well. Can't wait to see the ads selected for this hub, probably about nothing, but then, nothing is nothing new.
By the way; those of you who want to subscribe to my newsletter about "how to" write about nothing, send money! I will in return, send you the nothing you so eagerly await!