How To Survive Judgement Day
NOTE: This article is satire, and will not help to clear up confusion or worry about the world ending, today, tomorrow or 100 years from now. Please - don't worry or lose sleep about what you may have heard in the news.
Whilst reading how to survive judgement day, please bear in mind the following statement:
Disclaimer - I guarantee that you will learn nothing you need to know, about anything you want to know, regarding the demise of our planet. Which I for one am fond of because I keep a few people and my giraffe collection on it.
When the Apocalypse kicks in – don't say I didn’t warn you.
How To Survive Judgement Day
Do you want to know how to survive judgement day? Well folks you got it – this is the One Stop Shop on how to survive Armageddon! Want to know the best hints and tips on surviving the Apocalypse?
Need to know what to do (and when to do it) when the Four Horsemen storm into view? Unsure as to how to handle the End Of Things As You Know It? Not sure how to duck and cover correctly?
Then read on, because all you ever needed to know is somewhere else, and all you'll find here is light relief from impending doom. And gloom. And an awful lot of chaos and confusion. And other unforeseen events.
Seriously … panic is a waste of time. Panic won’t hold Doomsday at bay. Panic won’t organise your insignificant efforts to avoid theInevitable.
And panic is simply no good when it comes to putting your affairs in order prior to Judgement Day. All panic is good for is fear, dread and a loss of control.
And it’s absolutely no use when it comes to remembering to pack your underwear.
Having Fun With The Grim Reaper
Got Grim Reaper?
Ok. Your nerves are frayed. The End Is Nigh. Now what?
First you need to pack. You never know what you’re going to need at the Worlds’ End. Don’t get caught short people. Pack for every eventuality. My advice is ‘when in doubt – pack for inclement weather’. Follow that – you’ll not go far wrong.
A few essentials:
- Beach wear – you never know
- Macintosh – I’d imagine apocalypses bring a lot of rain
- Wellies – there’s probably gonna be mud
- Several changes of underwear – cataclysmic events cause tummy upsets
- Several plastic bags – always great for carrying rubbish back to your hole in the ground – apocalypse or not … litter is still litter
- Several toilet rolls. There’s not going to be many leaves lying around. And trust me … loo roll will be gold in the Aftermath
- Tooth picks – great for tiny fires that won’t rage out of control
- One domestic pet. Great company in times of mass destruction. Stick with a dog. Cats have a tendency towards cowardice.
- Hand cream. There’s simply no excuse for having hands like a navvy
- Aromatherapy candles. Great when the going gets apocalyptic
- One pillow. Rubble pillows are uncomfortable and cause headaches
- A name tag. In case you lose your memory. And don’t write anything silly like ‘Elvis Presley’ or 'I'm With Stupid’. It won’t help
- Strong boots. Slings backs and stilettos result in corns. And I should imagine mass destruction involves a lack of chemists and corn cream
- False teeth. You may lose yours in the panic. Flying rocks etc tend to remove teeth
- A compass. However hard the Four Horsemen think they are, they still aren’t going to knock the polar north out of kilter. They may be destructive little buggers – but they’re not that powerful
- One pack of cards. If the Grim Reaper decides to come for you personally, whip them out and barter for mercy with a game of Go Fish. He’s a sucker for matching pairs
Ok I think that covers essential items. Now - how's about surviving the Big Bang?
Random Unrelated Monty Python - Spam
You have to be serious about this bit – it’s important. You are not playing hide and seek. You are just … hiding. No one is counting to 50. No one is going to come and find you. Well – they are. Because you’re supposed to expire. However if someone – or something - does find you, ignore them. Pretend you can't see them. They’re not going to shout out ‘Got ya – now your IT’. They’re more likely to do something horribly painful. Ignorance is the key if you’re caught. It probably won't save you but nothing ventured nothing gained.
Let’s face it – hiding is almost the best advice I can give you. Because if you go for a stroll in the middle of all out Pandemonium you are your own worst enemy. Excluding the Grim Reaper. Or one of the Four Horsemen. Not to mention a moving target.
And it doesn't really matter where you hide as long as you factor in that it's only classed as hiding if no one can see you. It's no good hiding in a drawer. You won't fit. Or in a cardboard box if you do. Because cardboard is just reinforced paper. And hardly like to hold back the Wrath Of Whomever.
Pick something solid, like an old tank. If there's a lack of tanks down your street then you're out of luck. Generally anything cabable of withstanding the worse thing you can imagine should do it. When you've found your hidey hole ... hope. For the best. And pray. Not because it's likely to be physically helpful. Merely because it's comforting and distracting. Trying to remember the Lords' Prayer is enough to furrow many a brow. And try not to say it out loud.
You're hiding remember.
So You've Survived.
Great! It's likely that you're now destined to a lonley, miserable existence but hey! You've got a suitcase full of toilet roll. Replacement teeth. And a dog. Now it's down to you. You have your essential items. You've probably got about as much chance of surviving the first few hours as say a gazelle caught in the jaws of a hungry lion - but the main thing is ... at least you tried.
Jolly good - and good luck!
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