Want

I wish I could, but can't


I want what every mom wants...To be everything...

To be everything my children need, to be everything to them, to do everything I can or could for them. They deserve better, they are worthy of so much more,deserve so much better, than I've been able to provide for them. Not monetary things, not material things, those things they must work for-not that I wouldn't love to provide that or give it to them, if I could...

However, there is no expectation there, they have no requests or demands. Not the 'average' teens, I know...my youngest son doesn't even have a cell phone, of course I'm sure they covet the things they see others have. I'm sure they would love to have what they want, but what they want and what they need are two different beings, entirely. I'm sure they would they like to have what their friends have, be given opportunities their friends have, to do things or go places they've only heard about, read about, dreamed about? Of course.

Yet, they don't ask.

Some might think this is refreshing, and I should be thankful my kids are so understanding about our situation, and the fact that I am unable to provide them these things, afford them these things, offer them more than just moral support and my endless love.

I am. Thankful I mean. Thankful that I don't have to see their looks of disappointment every time there is something they want, need, or would like to have, and I have to tell them no.

I grew up poor so; I know the 'drill', there is no point in asking the question you already know the answer to. Some say it didn't hurt me, and some might even say I turned out okay...Doesn't change the fact that I wanted more for my kids, and that I wanted to be the one to provide that which I had done without, for my own children. After all, isn't that what every parent wants? To give their children a better life, give them the opportunity to chase their dreams, to make something of their lives...

To go and see places I have only read about, heard about, dreamt about. The fact that I have not fulfilled that or made that possible, begs the question...What did I do to deserve them?

Still think I turned out okay...?

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