Dream lover






I am putting this up unfinished. I normally polish poems up at least to near-done before I let them out.


If anyone has suggestions or comments (that also work for me) I will be pleased to change this poem to suit :)


If you have visited this before I have made the first change Tuesday 4th May :)







She has stolen all my dreams away,

Butterfly soft wings of fancy gone

To dust with every fancied play

Of played out scenes and picture songs

Now ashes, sacrificial pyre.


She doused my deepest sensual fire

Imagined images of such languid dance,

Jealously expelling all my breathless desires

In the space of one flash bright glance,

Exploded all my symbol masks, end the game.


Her face I crayoned, always the same,

Even before I learned those useless words

That never once hinted even at her name;

The battles fought to find her, wooden swords

And failed expeditions to discover only new.


Memory even almost forgot, evaporated dew

Drops of tears from hearts I broke

Because they were not hers

But then, when even the dream had lost all hope

She appeared, every desire now flesh real, to leave me

Nothing, now that every dream I ever had is true.




More by this Author


Comments 36 comments

kimberlyslyrics 6 years ago

Certainly no polishing needed here my friend.

Thank you

wow

kimberly


kimberlyslyrics 6 years ago

btw I gave it two thumbs up also

:o)


alternate poet profile image

alternate poet 6 years ago Author

i like the lines to have a rhythm that complements the thoughts as they go along - but differing around a set. I think this more traditional way of setting it out benefits the reading big. This is the normal next step for me :) Thanks for your support and comments.


Freya Cesare profile image

Freya Cesare 6 years ago from Borneo Island, Indonesia

You did made it very well. Is it not done yet? Hmmm... I don't think so. Beautiful.


Jluvies profile image

Jluvies 6 years ago from lost in my thoughts

I love this part:

You doused my deepest sensual fires

Imagined images of such languid dance,

Jealously expelling all my deep desires

In the fractured space of one flash bright glance,

Exploded all my symbol masks to end the game.

Especially the 'fractured space of one flash bright glance'

But I'm not sure I understand it... Jealousy for her expells your deep desires for her?

And exploded your symbol mask, does that mean the persons you portray to be?

I really love how you write. This is actually the first poem I've read. I'm going to check out more right now. But I wish I could right like this and I want to learn. My poems are so straight forward, whereas I think I need to thoroughly explain it so that ppl understand it. But I truly enjoyed reading yours. I think I'm to blah.... well, i'm excited to read more and i'll let you know what i think. I hope you don't mind if I ask you to decipher a few more for me. Thanks!


garynew profile image

garynew 6 years ago from Dallas, TX and Sampran, Thailand

Excellent poetry such as this can, and in my opinion, should have multiple possible interpretations. To have someone "explain" it to me would also ruin it for me.


valeriebelew profile image

valeriebelew 6 years ago from Metro Atlanta, GA, USA

I think you fell in love, and then were left. I actually do not write poetry; I write song lyrics, but I do enjoy the poetry of others. Interesting style.


LeonJane profile image

LeonJane 6 years ago from Australia

Great work alternate poet, you certainly have rich linguistics and thick metaphorical prose. Well done, can't wait to read more.


alternate poet profile image

alternate poet 6 years ago Author

Hi valeriebelew - I wrote this after thinking of the problem Christians would have if there was a second coming :D fell inlove yes but left, only the dreams, desires gone - replaced by the real thing. What do you do if all your dreams come true, what so you aim for, where is your life path going ? Hope this helps


alternate poet profile image

alternate poet 6 years ago Author

thanks for stopping by LeonJane , garynew, JLuvies and Freya - hope you like the re-write.


MFB III profile image

MFB III 6 years ago from United States

At least she didn't steal your dream of writng successfully....that's a break...lovely poem just as it is...MFB III


blackreign2012 profile image

blackreign2012 6 years ago

I like it the way it is... No change needed my friend


Deborah Demander profile image

Deborah Demander 6 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

How could one seek to improve perfection?

Namaste.


Awful Poet profile image

Awful Poet 6 years ago from The Large Magellanic Cloud (LMC) (m-M)_0 = 18.41, or 48 kpc (~157,000

Fine Piece


Ben Evans profile image

Ben Evans 6 years ago

I really like the meter it reads really well.

Memory even almost forgot, evaporated dew

Drops of tears from hearts I broke

Because they were not hers

But then, when even the dream had lost all hope

She appeared, every desire now flesh real, to leave me

Nothing, now that every dream I ever had is true.

I see it in my past relationships. This is good writing because it evokes feelings.


Zac828 profile image

Zac828 6 years ago from England

Brilliant; sensuous; emotive and beautiful. Glad I caught this, thank you.


Mystique1957 profile image

Mystique1957 6 years ago from Caracas-Venezuela

My dearest poet brother...

If you rewrite it once more, you´ll kill its essence. It is deep and wondrous as it is. Its cadence flows well and it tells the story without any unnecessary additives. It is pure,unadulterated sadness and deception, and poetically speaking, if this kind of poem doesn´t tear you apart, the message has not reached home. Wonderful piece!

Thumbs up!

Warmest regards and infinite heavenly blessings,

Al


terrowhite profile image

terrowhite 6 years ago

This one is really beautiful hub.. I loved you way of writing and expressing things... Looking forward to read more from you... love and peace :)


tonymac04 profile image

tonymac04 6 years ago from South Africa

Notwithstanding my slight bias in favour of blank verse, I found this a beautiful poem. At least the rhyme scheme is somewhat different and fresh. My emotions were engaged. The ending was especially good. The contrast between the real and the dream is effective.

Thanks so much for sharing.

Love and peace

Tony


Nady profile image

Nady 6 years ago from Toronto

I love it. It touched my heart.No change is needed :)


D.G. Smith profile image

D.G. Smith 6 years ago

it's really a great piece of work, I often read through a work like this once and then read it to myself out loud, poetry is best read out loud I think, this sounds wonderful as it echoes softly in my study.


manthy profile image

manthy 6 years ago from Alabama,USA

Very heartfelt message, you are a deep thinker, I look forward to more poems ;0)


Micky Dee profile image

Micky Dee 6 years ago

Beautiful Sir! Thank you!


GoldiString profile image

GoldiString 6 years ago

My favorite among your hubs. Personal favorite.


Nikkij504gurl profile image

Nikkij504gurl 6 years ago from Louisiana

good work. nice stanzas. i like how u wrote this one.


Rossimobis profile image

Rossimobis 6 years ago from Biafra

Cool and i like the 1st line..she has stolen all my dreams away, sure no woman no cry.


Richieb799 profile image

Richieb799 6 years ago from Cardiff, Wales UK

These are my favorite words here:

She appeared, every desire now flesh real, to leave me

Nothing, now that every dream I ever had is true.

I also liked the first verses.. I liked the whole poem! but I like to single parts out as my favorite :) It reminds me a bit of how I felt last night after finishing my poem I was a bit bummed because I re-visited a heartbreak I'd long put to rest! glad I have some good followers though!


gulnazahmad 6 years ago

This is such a magical poem I enjoyed reading it:)


Joy56 profile image

Joy56 6 years ago

Ah yes make lots of changes, would you like my help. Ha Ha.


wooden swords 6 years ago

its a beautiful poem. Thanks for sharing :)


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 6 years ago from australia

Omg I drowned in your words. I cannot even stand my legs are too wobbly. Just divine AP.


sligobay profile image

sligobay 6 years ago from east of the equator

Great piece of work. No need to rework this poem in my view. it delivers what it promises in the title. Cheers.


A.Villarasa profile image

A.Villarasa 6 years ago from Palm Springs

Lucid..luminous.. and levitating. Bravo


acaetnna profile image

acaetnna 6 years ago from Guildford

This is beautiful - loved it just as it is. Well done.


Micky Dee profile image

Micky Dee 5 years ago

I think this is "all" a great write: "Drops of tears from hearts I broke,Because they were not hers". Yes sir.


goody7 profile image

goody7 5 years ago from over there under the sycamore tree

It's down right magical. You can sure write a poem. When you get a chance you'll have to check out my beer poem.

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