How to Survive When Zombies Attack: A Guide for Dummies

A zombie is a person or zoological creature that has died and been reanimated without speech or free will. Typically, a zombie is revived one of three ways; through an Afro-Caribbean spiritual system known as Voodoo, supernaturally by possession of spirits or demonic powers, or organically through some form of infections biological compound.

Be warned, if a person is following you around and displays no signs of free will, always has an expressionless look on his or her face, and can not communicate with you verbally, then you may be encountered with a zombie.

Knowing your enemy is the most crucial first step if you want to survive a zombie attack.  Zombies have a distinct appearance as opposed to other undead entities.  Most zombies resemble the living but it really depends on how long it’s been before they were reanimated.  The longer the wait, the more the flesh has rotted. 

I know this may sound like profiling, but other indications of a zombie, besides the decaying flesh, are emotionless faces, “bug” eyes, emaciated bodies, and a terrible stench.  They have no recognizable speech patterns either.  Zombies mostly just moan and make guttural sounds.  And this may be a little frivolous, but the clothing they wear is normally a few seasons outdated.

For another description of what a zombie is watch the 24 second video below:

Most zombies are very slow in their movements so your first strategy should be to RUN! The years of muscle decay and atrophy gives the living a distinct advantage over their enemy. However, there have been recent reports of zombies that have increased speed and agility. Reports have said that these new zombies have great strength too. The biggest reason for wanting to run is because all zombies have only one desire and that is to EAT YOU! So RUN!

When you have run as far and fast as you could go, it’s time for the second strategy, HIDE! Hiding may seem simple enough but you can’t just hide anywhere, say like behind a tree or under a car. Those are not good hiding places. Find some sort of shelter where you can barricade yourself in. Even though doors and windows are difficult for zombies to manipulate, when there are dozens or even hundreds of zombies trying to get to you, the extreme pressure may cause those doors and window to break leaving you defenseless. Houses are okay places and maybe even a church. But these can only be temporary shelters because eventually you will run out of food and water. The best places to go are hospitals, schools, and shopping malls, and Wal Mart Supercenters. Sure there is the potential of encountering masses of the undead, but these locations can usually provide you with ample supplies of food and drink and multiple interior hiding places.

Prepare yourself by getting into shape. There are several great programs on the market that can help you achieve these goals. Tony Horton, creator of BeachBody and the P90X system, can get you in top shape. Also, Jillian Michaels, of The Biggest Loser fame, has an incredible workout DVD collection. Being in your top physical condition will sharply increase your chances of surviving a zombie attack so put some effort in researching Tony Horton and Jillian Michaels.

Eventually, the zombie is going to penetrate your barricade and you are going to have to physically defend yourself against the eminent attack. It is imperative that you learn self defense techniques. First and foremost, watch out for bites. A bite from a zombie will transfer the condition to you. Sometimes it’s immediate and other times it will come on slowly. There is no cure for a bite attack. I’m sure you have seen salesman out there trying to sell you a “zombie bite kit, “ but trust me when I say it’s just snake oil. There has never been a single case of a person surviving a zombie bite. Kill the zombie before it kills you!

I know it sounds a little redundant but how do you kill something that is already dead. Let me just say that it’s just a matter of semantics. You goal is to make these reanimated creatures inanimate again. As the above video demonstrated, hitting the zombie in the extremities may slow them down a bit but mostly it’s just going to make them more aggressive. Your best bet is to go for the head. A blunt object to the head of any zombie should permanently disable it. For best results, the removal of the head is ideal. Invest in a machete and a pump shotgun with plenty of ammunition!

Do not put any faith in being rescued by the government or the military.  The likelihood is that the infection will touch every cornerstone of society.  All institutions will be closed.  No police or fire protection, doctors or pharmacists either.  The power grids will be turned off for the protection of any potential survivors.  We can not afford a nuclear meltdown on top of everything else.   Expect total chaos and anarchy.

You must learn wilderness survival skills.  Learning how to hunt and fish, how to identify non poisonous plants and foods, how to make a fire, and how to distill fresh drinking water are essential to survival.  As well as learning first aid and leadership skills.  There will be no convenient stores to go to, no cell phones to text or call for help.  No internet to learn these skills so you have to learn them now while there is still time.

In conclusion, the key to surviving a zombie attack is to be prepared. Have a plan and a survival “kit.” Prepare yourself first then work with your family and friends. Scout out your town or city for the best places to barricade yourself. Above everything, trust nobody! Good Luck!