Beware - Danger is lurking in your backyard

Help!!!

I am sitting in the closet as I write this. I only hope to get the warning out to everybody else before it is too late for them. I don’t have much time. I fear my last few minutes of life are coming to an end. I just hope my experience will help you be better prepared. I was not. I only wish someone else out there would have warned me.

I know when my death hits the news stands, it will be a cover up. So don’t listen to the media. This is the truth. I want you to know what really happened. Yet, the government will try to hide this to avoid the outbreak and the riots. They will try to make you believe what happened to me was an accident. They don’t want you to know the truth.

Everybody is so afraid of the zombie apocalypse, yet, I have found something far more dangerous than any zombie I have ever encountered. The danger is lurking right in your backyard! If you are not prepared for this danger, you might find yourself in the same position I am in right now.

As I sit here, the only light coming from my laptop, I wonder if I will be able to use the entire 1 hour and 50 minutes before my laptop battery finally dies. That is when my connection to the world will be cut off. That is, if I even make it that far. I can hear the sounds of feet stampeding around in the lower level of my house. They are scavenging and they are plotting the end of my life. My husband is already gone. They got to him first. You see, he didn’t heed the warnings. I will be next. I wasn’t careful enough. I wasn’t fully prepared. I hope you are.

A couple of weeks ago, I came across this book. It told me all the information I needed to prevent this attack. Yet, I laughed at it. I thought it was a farce. A joke. Something that would never happen to me. I know now I was wrong. I didn’t believe them, and here I am, in the middle of an attack. I am using the last moments of my life to warn you. I only hope that I can finish.

Check your surroundings

Look around at where you live... is there plenty of hiding spots for a potential attacker? This will put you at risk. Do I advise that you move? No, but I do advise that you become prepared!
Look around at where you live... is there plenty of hiding spots for a potential attacker? This will put you at risk. Do I advise that you move? No, but I do advise that you become prepared! | Source

Be watchful for the footprints

I didn't think much of the footprints. Maybe you will!
I didn't think much of the footprints. Maybe you will! | Source

Assess

I want you to be prepared. So I want you to carefully look around and assess your situation. This is not to be ignored. It might save your life. I did not do this and look were I am right now. Sitting in a closet hoping I can type this warning up fast enough to warn you.

Look at your surroundings! I am going to throw out a few factors that will up your risk levels.

  • You live in a suburban or rural house.
  • Your house sits on a secluded, wooded acreage.
  • You live alone.
  • You follow a strict routine, making it easy to predict your comings and goings.

These factors will easily set you up for attack. If you fit two or more of these factors, you are “high risk” and you will need to take action now. I would tell you to stop everything you are doing so you can go out and get supplies and prepare to defend yourself, but I am going to insist you finish reading this. Maybe it can save you; I know it is too late for me.

Other things you need to be aware of is suspicious activity. Have you noticed footprints in the flowerbeds outside your house? Do you seem to lose stuff easily? Maybe you didn’t, maybe it has been moved. Do you having this feeling you are being watched? Do you have animals and suddenly their behavior is a little on the crazy side? If you have noticed this stuff around your house… your time is coming soon.

Do you have a dog?

  • Yes - and right now - I am really glad I do
  • Yes - but I don't think it will really make a difference
  • No - but I am heading out to get one soon
  • No - I am allergic to dogs - therefore I will need to invest in a moat instead
See results without voting

Protect

This is the part where you stand up and scream, “I am ready!”

Well, first, you need to set up some useful tactics to make sure you and your family will survive if you ever become a victim of this type of attack. But ultimately, when you have been cornered, you need to fight back and you need to be ready. Don’t sit there and let them win. Go get the tools to make sure you are protected. And do it right away, before it is too late.

Some of these techniques will seem stupid, but stay with me. They have helped in the past; they will probably help in the future. The least dangerous of these activities is to dig a moat around your house. You don’t want to be left vulnerable. Therefore, if there is only one access point, the likelihood of you not being able to defend it is low. However, building a moat might prove to be time consuming. If they notice you doing this, they might even attack before you finish. Therefore, building a moat is also a very dangerous tactic.

This might be a little easier, but will prove to be just as dangerous if you are not paying attention. Dig several holes in the ground and cover them up. Before you are attacked, you are hoping these little holes will ultimately trap your attacker. However, if you forgot about your defense, you might have also put yourself in more danger. One wrong step and you will have sprained or broken your ankle. This will lessen your chances of being able to run for freedom.

There are other options too. You need to decide for yourself whether these are good options or too time consuming. I am just going to quickly list them because I don’t know how much time I have. You could also make quicksand, spread poison on the ground, install motion detecting lights, or just invest in a big dog. All of those will offer you extra protection. They will not guarantee your survival, but it is better than nothing at all!

And you don’t want to forget the inside of your house either. While ideally you want to keep them out, if they do come in, you want to know how. Check all the access points into your house. Make sure they are secure. In addition, make sure you can use these access points to quickly escape if needed. After all, you don’t want to be like me, sitting in a closet just waiting for them to come!

Office Supplies - who knew they could save your life

Thinking about throwing away that empty pen? Think twice. Do you have pens and pencils in every area of your house? Better get on it. Writing utencils make a great weapon in a pinch!
Thinking about throwing away that empty pen? Think twice. Do you have pens and pencils in every area of your house? Better get on it. Writing utencils make a great weapon in a pinch!

Defend

These are the utmost important skills to learn if you are ever up against an attack. This could save your life. Even something that seems as easy as jumping out a first story window can become difficult in the heat of the moment. I did not practice this. I am afraid it is why I am in my current situation.

I also didn’t memorize the layout of my house and make sure the clutter was picked up every night to avoid unnecessary injuries. My foot is killing me after stepping on one of my son's car toys. I almost fell and broke my tailbone. Luckily, I caught my balance, and even though the light bulbs have all been destroyed, I was able to arm myself with a few unknown weapons. I found a cable belonging to my Ipod that works really good as a whip, and a pen, which will not cause death, but will slow them down in their tracks.

So, if you want to be prepared, make sure to follow my advice. Know your house and keep it clean. Also, keep a mental list of those unusual objects that would make good weapons. You never know when you will need one. They should be small and easy to work with. You don’t want to be carrying a chair over your head. That would cut down your speed. Kitchen utensils and office supplies make handy weapons just in case. Now remember that - it might save your life.

Apply

When the unthinkable happens, it is now time to apply your tactics. And believe me, if they know you have read this, the chances of you being attacked will happen sooner than later. However, be happy, because at least you will be prepared. Now stop praying for your life and just start thinking. Some have survived. Hopefully you will too.

Now that you are ready

  • Stay calm and remember your training
  • Quickly assess your confinement
  • Whatever you do, do it quickly
  • Get you’re a@@ out of there (from my experience, hiding in a closet is definitely not a smart idea!)

If the time has come, you need to be confident that you will survive. The quickest way to be defeated is to do nothing at all. If you are going down, at least you went down fighting.

The time has come

I feel I have done my job, and have given you enough of a warning to be somewhat prepared. However, if you do need more information, feel free to do further research by reading “How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack” by Chuck Sambuchino. I was too late. I was not prepared nearly fast enough. If I would have read this book earlier, I wouldn’t be in the predicament I am in right now.

My laptop battery is slowly coming to the end. But I don’t think it really matters anymore. They are upstairs now. I peaked out and everything is trashed. There is no one left to help me. They will be here soon.

I can hear them right outside the door. My time is coming to an end. I just hope I gave you enough insight to help yourself. Now is the time to fight. And for God’s sake, don’t set yourself up to be a victim. I don’t care how cute they look. Don’t ever purchase a Garden Gnome. And if you already have one, be prepared to defend yourself when those nasty lawn warriors strike, because they will.

They have taken my family and I am next… please tell my story so others too can be warned.

I am scared. They are scratching at the door. I fear goodbye is coming soon. So please, heed my warning and……….

*************************************

They are coming to get you!

They may look cute, but behind that innocent smile is a lawn warrior looking to attack. Will you be prepared!
They may look cute, but behind that innocent smile is a lawn warrior looking to attack. Will you be prepared! | Source

Comments 103 comments

Just Ask Susan profile image

Just Ask Susan 5 years ago from Ontario, Canada

I have been waiting to see where you were going with a post you put on FaceBook about garden gnomes and now I know. LMAO!!! This was really good.


mythicalstorm273 profile image

mythicalstorm273 5 years ago

I hate you... fyi... but in all honesty this was great :-) I knew it was going to be a laughable item at the end but you still had me getting freaked out about zombies. I hate zombies! Still very creative and imaginative. I guess a little tiny whip would work huh... lol.


Teddletonmr profile image

Teddletonmr 5 years ago from Midwest USA

I enjoyed reading this hub, who knew garden nomes were something to fear...

Thanks for the chuckle.

Always be prepaired. Mike


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 5 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

@Just Ask Susan - I ran across the book in Spencers a few weeks back. It was $15 and I wasn't sure if I should waste my money for some kind of farce. A week after, I had to go back and get it. I was just too curious. I never knew they were a threat and I actually like Garden Gnomes. Can't wait for Gnomeo and Juliet to come out. But - will that put me at increased risk as well. ;)

@Mythical - Ha ha - I know you hate zombies - but really - I wasn't talking about zombies... of course I wasn't clear on that until I got to the end... ha ha - I couldn't resist. It was so much fun to write!

@Teddletonmr - I know right! Here we thought garden gnomes were all just cute and friendly. Now make sure you warn your neighbors. Especially if you have a bunch that like to collect them. The bigger the group of garden gnomes - th more danger you will be in!

Although after reading this - you will at least be a little better prepared... lol


mythicalstorm273 profile image

mythicalstorm273 5 years ago

I knew you weren't talking bout zombies... but the way you made it suspenseful allowed for my mind to think of whatever it might be. Which for me is Zombies. Yuck!


Motown2Chitown 5 years ago

Frickin' love THIS!!! I hate those sneaky, creepy little things. Caramus and I have more office supplies than anyone has a right to, so we should be fine! Up, useful, awesome, and funny!


BenjaminB 5 years ago

I have been saying for years Barbergirl that there is a secret coalition of Garden Gnomes that live in a cave in the most secret of mountains that plot against me and just me.They are The Coalition Against Ben, and they are very evil critters.Well written and very entertaining indeed.


Lesleysherwood 5 years ago

Ha ha. This was very good. I have been listening to the radio today and they have been talking about the end of the world. I had to keep reading. I thought thats what this might be. Very good. lol

Lesley


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 5 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

@Mythical - Ha ha - I had to make it suspenseful so when every body got to the end they were thinking... seriously - garden gnomes - who would have thought! LOL But now that you know better it is all good! LOL

@MO - I am glad to hear that you have an overabundance of office supplies. Just think - that broken stapler you were going to throw out could come in really handy as a bludgening tool... LOL.

@Benjamin - I am glad to know that I am not alone. I didn't realize they hid in the mountains though... I thought they were hiding in my backyard. That makes me feel much safer. Then again - maybe they have several different gathering points. I will keep my eyes peeled. However, at least now you know how to tackle the situation when CAB takes effect.

@Lesley - I have to say - it was good timing since there is a good portion of people thinking that the world is coming to an end. It wasn't on purpose though. Garden Gnomes will not wait until the end of the world. They will attack at anytime. Glad you enjoyed the read though ;)


WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

You really had me going! Great stuff. Up and funny.


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 5 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

Thank you very much. I was pretty stoked about keeping everybody at the edge of their seats only too find out it was about garden gnomes. However, in today's world you can never be too careful. :)


marellen 5 years ago

BBG.....very clever....I didn't know where you were going with this but you did a great job. Fun hub as always. I got my comedic relieve. LOL


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 5 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

@Marellen - I am glad that you enjoyed it. I read the book and I could help but share. It was a quick and funny read and very inspirational... well in terms of being able to write something off of it! LOL


ghomefitness profile image

ghomefitness 5 years ago from Chicago,IL

They are comming and they have gazing ball bombs! I took my little one to gnomeo and juliet and she loved it but I like your storie better.


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 5 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

I really want to see gnomeo and juliet - it comes out next week and I am super super excited. However, I don't think they will do much harm since they are digital. I think watching them on TV is much easier!

Oh yeah - and my story is PG 13 - definatly wouldn't recommend it for the younguns ;)


Babbling Diva profile image

Babbling Diva 5 years ago from U.S.A

OMG, You had my heart racing out of control! This was the first thing I read when I woke up on my phone, So my first thought was the end of the world is really happening..LOL... Then I thought why the heck is she writing if she is in danger...lol I loved this , very creative. rated up and funny!


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

BBG - I thought you would be more prepared for this! So you tossed out the husband and one kid after the next to save yourself, eh? Good idea! You should have gotten your a@@ out of there! Lol


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

Or maybe you should have had more kids! Hahaha it's like a shark knife for divers. It's way too small to kill a shark, but you can stab your dive buddy and get away!

Never swim alone!


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Austin - I don't think BBG should go diving until she gets into Advanced Guppy class!

Good tip - I never thought of the shark bait factor! I should have had more kids! I could always adopt.

Seriously - people shouldn't swim alone! Or take photos of approaching tsunami waves either!


Motown2Chitown 5 years ago

Real, that's the best advice I've seen in a long time - the tsunami thing I mean. People are dumb. Not you, me, Stacy, Lela, and a few select others - but the rest of the world. You know. ;-)


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

I have two very lazy garden gnomes. They just sit there. No action at all. Bummer.


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

I see a garden gnome is a must have. I won't rest until I own one. I hope I get a naughty one!


Motown2Chitown 5 years ago

ALL garden gnomes are naughty, Real. Hence their wicked little faces and all the chaos that goes on in the garden when no one is looking!


Motown2Chitown 5 years ago

Austin, they don't. They become active at night when you aren't looking. Trust me on this. ;-)


KoffeeKlatch Gals profile image

KoffeeKlatch Gals 5 years ago from Sunny Florida

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. Thanks for the laugh. Loved the lead up of zombies. The gnomes were the perfect touch. Rated up and funny. You are so clever.


drbj profile image

drbj 5 years ago from south Florida

Thank gnoodness, I read this warning hub in time. I was actually thinking of purchasing a gnarden gnome or two even though I have no gnarden. Now I gknow that would be a gnhastly mistake. Thanks barbergirl for the gnifty gnews.


dearabbysmom profile image

dearabbysmom 5 years ago from Indiana

So much fun, thank you! I have found gnomes to be creepy for years and this totally tickles my funny bone. Well done!


Credence2 profile image

Credence2 5 years ago from Florida (Space Coast)

Hi, BBG, I must be in a alternate plane of existence, just a bit confused... Does this have anything to do with the May 21 doomsday prediction?


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 5 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

@Babbling Diva - lucky we didn't have to be prepared for the end of the world. The gnomes never got me. However, it was kind of ironic that I published this just in time for what people expected to be the rapture. Either that was beneficial for traffic or I did a fantastic job of nonplanning. I am glad this had you on the edge of your seat.

@Real - Ahhhh the things we have to do to survive... lol - I was amazed at how I really wasn't prepared eithere. However, if their is a zombie apocalypse - I can guarantee I will not be in the same position! LOL

By the way - I think I am a little obsessed with gnomes right now too... I am on a search for one. One day - I will have them... lol

@Austin - I will definately never swim alone - unless of course I can't find anybody to swim with me. If that is the case - I will just stay away from the shark infested waters ;)

Oh yeah - and if you already have 2 lazy gnomes - you never know when they will wake up and start moving. I think you have time for the moat! ;)

@Mo - I was wondering if you have survelliance tapes of the gnomes running around the garden at night... that would be a great kicker to this if we actually have proof. After reading the book - I am not sure if that is possible. After all, they try to destroy any kind of electrical device, cameras, camcorders, that could prove evidence.

@KoffeKlatch - I love zombies... I think if there is a way, the should be mentioned in almost all articles. However, I don't think most people would agree with me on that statement, so I try to leave them out and lurking in the background. I am glad you enjoyed this!

@drbj - Good thing you got gknow the gdangers of garden gnomes otherwise you could have been in grave gdanger. We would ghate to see anything ghappen to you because be glove your gwriting so much! :)

@Dearabbysmom - I am glad that I was able to confirm your suspicions on garden gnomes. Now you won't feel bad about passing them by! LOL

@Credence2 - Nope, this has nothing to do with the May 21st doomsday. I was just laughing so hard at the book I read and it just happened to have awesome timing on posting this because everybody is looking into May 21st. So don't worry, hopefully garden gnomes will not be the end of the world. :)


C-Bless profile image

C-Bless 5 years ago from Canada

LOL - too too funny; didn't know what the 'punchline' would be. Thank you for the chuckle, and for sharing...


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 5 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

@C-Bless - I am glad it gave you a chuckle. It was hard to not blurt out the punchline write off the bat... especially for all the tips against defending against something you aren't even aware of. I think it worked out good. I am glad you got a good laugh out of it!


Sharyn's Slant profile image

Sharyn's Slant 5 years ago from Northeast Ohio USA

Lots of fun BBG! I do not like gnomes. I used to date someone who (I found out a bit later) liked gnomes. That party didn't last too long.


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 5 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

@Sharyn - It is definately a good thing you got out of that relationship. Can you imagine the danger you would be in right now! :) It was funny when I came across that book - I just had to get it because I was so intrigued by it. It was a fast read, so not sure if I got my money out of it, but it definately was entertaining!


Gypsy Willow profile image

Gypsy Willow 5 years ago from Lake Tahoe Nevada USA , Wales UK and Taupo New Zealand

You really got me going there! Glad you survived, but I've always been suspicious of Garden gnomes, something about their enigmatic smile!


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 5 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

They sure got a creepy smile. and the best thing is... my suspicions were confirmed by that movie Gnomio and Juliet! But I feel alot safer now cause I know they like to sing Elton John songs... therefore, as long as I don't hear Elton John music - I feel pretty safe!


kentuckyslone profile image

kentuckyslone 5 years ago

Very much enjoyed your writing style! Voted up for sure.


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 5 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

Thank you kentuckyslone. I appreciate your support!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada

You are correct. I had to dig deep into your hubs to find this jewel...yes...the government is attempting to cover this up.

I must confess...I was unaware that this was even a flank that needed covering...you have saved my life. Now...according to Chinese tradition...you are responsible for me (I will send you the necessary paperwork).

The pink wrapped fruitcake...could it be possible?? Could...could...the Garden Gnomes be sending it?? And if so...does that mean that Aunt Gert...was a Garden Gnome? The family pictures...would suggest yes.


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 5 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

@ThoughtSandwhiches - I am afraid, I am not allowed to answer these questions, but I think you might be onto something. However, if we discuss this into too much depth, we might uncover something that will have us running for our lives... maybe the garden gnomes, but maybe something far more treacherous!

Fortunately, I did do a search for Garden gnomes and fruit cakes and came up blank. Is it a possibilty - sure, but there is no suggested research as of yet. Glad I could save your life though!!! Now you owe me! ;)

If you look in the Garden


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada

Right, right, right...I'm taking the battery out of my cellphone right now! Do things actually need to be alive and grow...to be classified as a garden....oh Aunt Gert...why have thou art forsaken me...??


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 5 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

Ah... you will never know the danger out there that you have been subjected too... just keep your eyes peeled and warn people. Don't let them buy garden gnomes and definately keep the fruit cakes at a safe distance... just to be on the safe side!


nicomp profile image

nicomp 4 years ago from Ohio, USA

Zombie Garden Gnomes would be the worst.


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 4 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

@nicomp - oh no... I foresee a whole new danger now! LOL


Deborah Brooks profile image

Deborah Brooks 4 years ago from Brownsville,TX

this is so funny. You really had me going.. I could not imagine what in the world was going on. love your story.. still laughing..

debbie


ThePracticalMommy profile image

ThePracticalMommy 4 years ago from United States

Here I thought this was a hub about intruders breaking into your house; little did I know what kind of intruders! The ending was just too funny. Voted up, funny and awesome! :)


justateacher profile image

justateacher 4 years ago from Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Near Oz...

I am so glad that you were able to warn us about these evil creatures....I now know how to protect my family and I from them! LOL

Great!!!


Dawn Conklin profile image

Dawn Conklin 4 years ago from New Jersey, USA

Too funny :) I had a few things going through my mind that you could have been talking about, but never saw the gnomes coming lol! I personally do not like gnomes, now I know why haha


shea duane profile image

shea duane 4 years ago from new jersey

2 years ago, my gnomes just up and disappeared from my yard... perhaps they found no intelligent life in my home (thank goodness we're safe).


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

Hi, so funny! lol! I wondered who it was coming to get you! this reminds me of the time I got a bit squiffed drinking too much at the pub, and the next morning I woke up to find a gnome in my handbag! haha! somehow it got there from the pub garden! I took it back and the landlord thought it was hilarious! thinking about it, maybe the gnome was going to get me too! hee hee! definitely rated up and shared! well, we have to be careful!


kelleyward 4 years ago

How funny. I just threw a gnome away yesterday, freaked me out a little. Great Hub!


DzyMsLizzy profile image

DzyMsLizzy 4 years ago from Oakley, CA

LOL--nicely done! After the zombie reference, I wasn't quite sure what the actual threat would be. Hee hee hee... We don't have any of those guys outdoors, but there is a small selection of them in our ceramics inventory--unfinished, of course. Hopefully, they don't take life before they are painted... ... just sayin'

Voted up & funny


mljdgulley354 profile image

mljdgulley354 4 years ago

This is a great story. You had me too up until the end. A good warning in your story too.


jacqui2011 profile image

jacqui2011 4 years ago from Leicester, United Kingdom

I didn't expect Garden Gnomes to be to be the enemy, I was expecting some sort of armed and dangerous burglars. Very funny and enjoyable hub. Voted up - funny/awesome.


jcales profile image

jcales 4 years ago

Hah! Nice & refreshing to see this instead of grim news on Yahoo


PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

PDXKaraokeGuy 4 years ago from Portland, Oregon

so glad it was gnomes instead of zombies...


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 4 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

@debbie - Glad I got you going... keep on laughing!


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 4 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

@ThePracticalMommy - These are definately the sneakiest of all intrudors... Keep your eyes peeled! :)


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 4 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

@justateacher - I am glad I was able to get the warning out before it was too late. Just remember, you can easily protect yourself in your yard... but make sure your neighbors don't keep those pesky intruders around either! ;)


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 4 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

@Dawn Conklin - Ah... yes, the possiblilities are endless. And those gnomes... they are sneaky. Glad you found out the reasons why you have never liked them!


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 4 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

@shea duane - They just up and disappeared? Have you checked your closets, attic or basement? Well, I hope they left on their own accord and glad to hear that your family is safe! :)


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 4 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

@Nell Rose - That sneaky little bugger caught a rid home with you. Luckily you caught him before it was too late and returned him before anything serious happened. Seriously though - that is a great story! Loved it!


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 4 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

@kelleyward - I am proud of you.. keep throwing those gnomes away. Just make sure you put them in a box and then seal the bag tight. You dont' want those little buggers escaping! :)


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 4 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

@DzyMsLizzy - Oh my - I never even thought about ceramic inventory before. I am not sure what will happen there. I hope they don't come alive before they are painted. But for safety's sake, they should go in a separate spot - preferably with a lock and key. Glad you enjoyed this!


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 4 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

@mljdgulley354 - Thanks for stopping by. Glad to see I kept you guessing all the way to the end. Now don't forget the warning. You never know when it will come in handy! ;)


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 4 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

@jacqui2011 - It is a toss up which one would be worse... I am going for the garden gnomes. I think they are much sneakier. And being small helps them to go unnoticed. LOL Glad you enjoyed this!


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 4 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

@jcales - Thank you so much. That really made my day! :)


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 4 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

@PDX - If your ever under a garden gnome attack I am not sure you would be saying the same thing. Those little guys are so fast, they are under foot in a blink of an eye! ;)


Peggy W profile image

Peggy W 4 years ago from Houston, Texas

This was funny! I knew that it was going to be a spoof and I was waiting to hear that it was an invasion of the ants (because of the moat) or some other such thing, but they you had me stymied because of being able to fight them off with old pens. Would take some steady aiming to squash an ant at a time with the tip of a pen. Haha! Glad I don't have any garden gnomes lurking about! Will share with others who may wish to have a good laugh today. :)


Xenonlit profile image

Xenonlit 4 years ago

What a wonderful find this article has been! I am now concerned about the loose and unaccounted for gnomes that threaten us all!


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 4 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

@Peggy - Ants?? Ha ha - that is funny... especially my mental picture of squashing ants with a pen now. Well I am glad that I had you stumped and I am glad that you got a good laugh today. Thanks for sharing with others so they too can get a good laugh!


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 4 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

@Xenonlit - You should be concerned... you just never know if you are in danger ;)


Marla Neogra profile image

Marla Neogra 4 years ago from Parkersburg, West Virginia

Had to mark this as funny and voted up!


alipuckett profile image

alipuckett 4 years ago

Ha! This reads like an episode of The Twilight Zone. Well done! :)


rtburroughs2 profile image

rtburroughs2 4 years ago

Small world,for one I live in Hemet, and two I am friends with Chuck on Facebook ( though I still need to buy his gnome attack book) Great article


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 4 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

@Marla - Thank you for stopping by. Glad it gave you a good laugh! :)


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 4 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

@alipuckett - OMG - wouldn't that be just a great Twilight Zone episode! ha ha - glad you enjoyed it!


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 4 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

@rtburroughs2 - Yes it is a small world. Luckily, the garden gnome attack didn't happen in Hemt - it was in Riverside! ha ha. Thanks for stopping by - glad you enjoyed it!


mythicalstorm273 profile image

mythicalstorm273 4 years ago

This is another one of my favorites of yours. I just love the funny and suspenseful story! You do such a great job weaving a story of sorry desperation that it is difficult to stop reading this one when I begin it!


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 4 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

@Myth - you are on a roll picking out some of my favorites here. This one was so fun to write. I came across the book that was the inspiration at Spencers and this was the result! I still want a garden gnome however... maybe I will ask for one for Christmas... LOL


CarlySullens profile image

CarlySullens 4 years ago from St. Louis, Missouri

This is great. Way too funny. Those gnome creatures are a little frightening. I just turned my best friend into a gnome in a photo editing software and wrote a hub about it.


Curiad profile image

Curiad 4 years ago from Lake Charles, LA.

When I was a kid, the Gnomes lived under a bridge in the Henry Cowell redwoods State Park. I used to run across the bridge when we got to it as we hiked the path!


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 4 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

@CarlySullens - This is probably one of my favorite hubs. It is just so funny I just started writing and it came out. And when I saw the garden gnome Julie this one came rushing back. Although, I have to admit, she might not be nearly as tricky or mean as some of those other garden gnomes. Glad you enjoyed it and I loved your story as well! :)


CarlySullens profile image

CarlySullens 4 years ago from St. Louis, Missouri

Thank you. Oh, Jules can be tricky but not scary. You know what is scarier than gnomes? Clowns. They are the scariest of them all. I think the gnomes work for the clowns.


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 4 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

@Curiad - I am pretty sure I would have run too... the last thing you want to do is have the gnomes follow you home. Great job getting away! ;)


moonlake profile image

moonlake 4 years ago from America

I have always hated Gnomes. I use to go to a ceramic class. I saw all the women making Gnomes and I could never figure out why they all liked those ugly little guys. They put them all around their yards. Interesting hubs and I enjoyed reading it. Voted up.


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 4 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

@CarlySullens - My husband has a complete fear of clowns. And the fact is, I can totally see these gnomes working for clowns. For safety sake, maybe your friend should stay away from clowns. After all, she now looks like a gnome and I don't know much about clowns but they might be just evil enough to brainwash. If she trades her long hair in for tight orange curls... we have problems.

On a different note - I kind of want a zombie garden gnome. I think it would be a great conversation starter with the neighbors! LOL


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 4 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

@moonlake - After reading the survival book on gnomes I kind of found I have a thing for them now... not enough that I want them in my yard... but maybe enough that if I find one cheap enough I might randomly put them in a yard of one of my relatives as a trick! :)


TToombs08 profile image

TToombs08 4 years ago from Somewhere between Heaven and Hell without a road map.

This was outstanding! I loved it and shared everywhere! :)


nenytridiana profile image

nenytridiana 4 years ago from Probolinggo - Jawa Timur - Indonesia

You just made my heart beating hard, I thought of wild animals or dangerous insect attack like in the movie. All the preparation are useful anyway. Thank you barbergirl28, you have barbered my gut.


nanderson500 profile image

nanderson500 4 years ago from Seattle, WA

I thought this was going to about zombies at first, but garden gnomes are far more original! Yes, we would all be in trouble if they came to life! Voted up.


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 4 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

@TToombs08 - Glad you enjoyed this and thanks for sharing it everywhere... you just don't know whose life you might have just saved ;)


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 4 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

@nenytridiana - Glad to hear this had you on the edge of your seat and had you imagining the worse. That is the greatest compliment to pay to a writer! Glad you enjoyed this... :)


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 4 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

@nanderson500 - Oh I am a big zombie fan too.... garden gnomes are just like zombies in concrete casing! ha ha - I like the different spin on it! Although zombies are always a fun talk as well! :) Glad you enjoyed this!


sgbrown profile image

sgbrown 3 years ago from Southern Oklahoma

This is so good! You are just too funny. I had no idea where this was going for a while. I could hide in the closet as my shotgun is in there, that will take care of those little garden demons! I love this, great job! Up and funny! :)


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 3 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

@sgbrown - I am glad that you enjoyed this. It was so much fun to write and be creative like this! :)


TToombs08 profile image

TToombs08 3 years ago from Somewhere between Heaven and Hell without a road map.

I love your creative side...would really like to see more. *hint* :)


AudreyHowitt profile image

AudreyHowitt 3 years ago from California

This just cracked me up! Although I might have to assess my way around the garden gnomes


onegreenparachute profile image

onegreenparachute 3 years ago from Greenwood, B.C., Canada

Oh this was too funny! I love the way you draw it all out! Thanks for a great Saturday chuckle! Voted up, funny and shared!


KawikaChann profile image

KawikaChann 3 years ago from Northwest, Hawaii, Anykine place

Thanks for the journey! Up, funny, and following. Peace. Kawi.


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 3 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

@TToombs08 - Sadly my creative side only makes appearances when it wants to... it thinks it is cool like that! :)


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 3 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

@AudreyHowitt - Glad this gave you a good laugh. Those Garden Gnomes are tricky creatures! :)


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 3 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

@onegreenparachute - Thanks for stopping by. Glad I could give you something to laugh at to start your weekend! :)


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 3 years ago from Hemet, Ca Author

@KawikaChann - Glad you enjoyed it! :)

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