Daily Weird #40 A Toilet You Can Live On!

Pay attention to the toilet placement.
Pay attention to the toilet placement. | Source
Do you think she likes him better because he has a groovy toilet on his patio?
Do you think she likes him better because he has a groovy toilet on his patio? | Source
Don't tell me this doesn't look like a copier!
Don't tell me this doesn't look like a copier! | Source

A Throne Fit For a Queen

I want a toilet. An awesome toilet; one that is not built just to sit in my bathroom and wait to be used. I want a toilet that I can have in the living room, in my bedroom, or even in the corner nook in my kitchen. It has to be a toilet that won’t draw ridicule or tittering. It has to be bold, beautiful, entertaining- a conversation piece.

I want the new toilet from Kohler. The Numi. The name really says it all. With the Numi, I would feel like a new me! I could walk up to the toilet and it would know what I wanted before I spoke a word. The sensors in Numi would open up the lid and beckon me to sit and experience a world I have never known.

Once I sit on this bold new masterpiece and load it up with what my body chose not to use from my lunch, I can reach down, adjust the wand on the bidet, plug in my MP3 player and fantasize that I’m Queen of the Toilets. I would be on my porcelain throne, and I would dare anyone to try and overthrow me!

When it got dark, I wouldn’t care. I would just read my “How to Rule From Your Home Throne” book by the illuminated side panels.

There would be no chafing as the bidet wand also has a drying function. I wonder if it has an infinite loop setting. Spray, dry, spray, dry…. it would be like a day spa for my derrière!

With the Numi, I wouldn’t have to concern myself with needing to run from the toxic waste smell I sometimes exude… nope, this baby comes with a deodorizer. A charcoal deodorizer. That means I’m putting a miner to work every time I use the bathroom. I’ll be helping the economy on a global scale. I feel awesome about myself already!

I can also feel good about how I’ll be helping the environment. This beauty has a low-flow flush for those times when a little is all you have to contribute, and a full-on power flush for times when you’re contributing more than you might wish to discuss. I believe there’s even a crew of miniature sailors who help rid the Numi of unwanted undiscussables.

If you think winter and it’s chilliness will get me off of my throne, think again! There’s one heater to warm my seat, and one heater to warm my feet.

I know once I get this bad boy, I’m sitting down and never getting up. Of course, I don’t want to spend my life in my bathroom. Thanks to the awesome design of the Numi, I can live on the throne, but not in the bathroom! The Numi looks somewhat like a huge copier. This means I can place it in my home as I see fit. If anyone asks why I’m sitting on a toilet in my kitchen, I can tell them I’m not using the toilet (gross) I’m just doing a bit of butt copying. Everyone understands the need for copying your bum.

I have it all figured out. Now I just have to wait until this fall when Kohler starts selling the Numi… well, that, and I have to come up with $6,390.00. Does anyone want to donate to my throne? It’s a completely worthy cause.

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Comments 36 comments

Just Ask Susan profile image

Just Ask Susan 5 years ago from Ontario, Canada

Thanks so much now I know what to get for Kate and Prince William. May have to sell a few things first though before I buy it. Awesome, funny, could be useful too oh ya and UP.


Mentalist acer profile image

Mentalist acer 5 years ago from A Voice in your Mind!

This awesome hub leaves me simply flushed:-))


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Susan- This IS the gift for the person who has everything. Really, though, you deserve one for yourself!

Thanks for hitting those buttons! You'd be a natural on the Numi!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Mentalist- usually I would believe you, but today, I just think you're handing me a load of crap. :O)


WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

The nightmare becomes real!:

You find yourself sitting on a toilet in the living room with your pants around your ankles as a party swirls around you, wondering how in the world that happened!

Gahhhh!


breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 5 years ago

And I thought my hydraulic seat toilet was a brilliant idea. Where have I been?


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

As you are the Queen, SueRoy, you must levy taxes to pay for your toilet. Send the tax collectors out. Although, if you can afford to pay for the horses and other material, I hardly see where you actually need to collect taxes.

Does it have an air mattress too? For sleeping?


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Will- You are SO right! All I have to do is bring this toilet to the mall and BAM! Nightmare in living color!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

BreakfastPop- you've been busy keeping us up to date on how to get the crap out of our government! No fancy toilets needed. :)


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Austin- I will still need money to feed the horses.

No there's no air mattress, but with a heated seat, speakers and mp3 player on top of having your tush constantly cleaned and blown dry... who needs a mattress? I'll just lean my head on my kitchen counter. :)


poorconservative1 profile image

poorconservative1 5 years ago

I'm laughing so hard I can't even typ...........


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

Sue,

Add a fridge and a big screen TV and your husband will be the happiest man in the world...


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 5 years ago from Hemet, Ca

That is just too funny. I really want to know who comes up with these things... lol


attemptedhumour profile image

attemptedhumour 5 years ago from Australia

No library! Forget it, i'm going to invent a strap on one, oh someone beat me to it with the nappy. I'd need a toilet after reading the price tag. You are a silly sausage, but don't we love these delightful hubs, i'd like to give you a perfect ten, but can only manage a number two. Cheers from Oz.


Pixienot profile image

Pixienot 5 years ago from Clarksville, Indiana

Susan, you have outdone yourself with this hub. I am actually laughing out loud. Why? Because as preposterous as it seems, it will sell! Someday there will be a version in your local discount stores. That will be the real test...does it sell then? Or just smell?

Great job.

Voted up and funny (very funny)


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Poorconservative- I LOVE it when I make you laugh! I swear to God your laugh is so infectious, I laugh just because I know YOU'RE laughing!!!

Thank you for that!!!!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Chris- do you know me at all??? This is totally MY dream. I also want an X-box 360 while I'm dreaming.

I like to play Fable. I get my character to marry a bunch of people, then when they start whining and wanting stuff I take them out to Bandit's Cove and then... oops, they get killed by bandits.

Since it's not my fault, my moral numbers stay high.

I think maybe my husband should keep ME very, very happy. :)


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Barbergirl- I KNOW! I totally want this job.

"Hey guys, I want you to put your heads together and design the perfect crapper."

BooYa!!

Pizza, beer, and toilet design.

Other than writing humor columns for a living, I just can't imagine a better job!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

spotonhumor-number two! Roflpp (That's Realho's acronym. It stands for rolling on floor laughing & peeing pants- which means your number two made me number one!)

If you think about it, the nappy could actually be marketed to sell to the high class crowd as well.

"Hate to take time to do your poo? No worries. With Nappy, you can go anytime, anywhere. No more having to leave during ball games! No more excusing yourself in the middle of a great date! Best of all, no more having to get up from your computer. With Nappy, your time is your own."

(we do suggest frequent changes or loss of friends may occur..)


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

PixieNot- I definitely think it would sell! If I were rich beyond belief (your belief AND mine!) I would totally buy this.

Look at the picture. It really does look like a copier! I would put it in my living room and just wait to see what people said!

It's probably just as well I'm poor as dirt, I would cause SO MUCH trouble as a rich person.


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Sue - my stomach is starting to hurt a little bit from laughing! I really hope your new bad boy doesn't try to overthrow you! Yes, see put it in the living room (where else? Where you do your living and writing hubs) and you can be with the family and carry on - business as usual!

I hope that your pot never runith over!


ClaraN9 profile image

ClaraN9 5 years ago from United Kingdom

Haha funny Hub! I once had a dream when I was like 7 about a toilet like that, where I could have it in the sitting room. Finally my dreams have come true!


Christopher Price profile image

Christopher Price 5 years ago from Vermont, USA

This commode sure beats the hell outta that Lazy Boy Recliner I've been coveting. Park that puppy opposite a 50 inch flat screen and in reach of the mini-frig and there goes the weekend!

Thanks for the info and the laughs.

CP


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Realho- My pot runnething over never occurred to me! I hope this bad boy comes with a golden self-cleaning plunger! A phone for calling in pizza orders would be nice too...


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Clara- if you dreamt about this crapper-of-perfection when you were 7, you may be entitled to some royalty fees! I'd ask for a lifetime supply of toilet paper.

Most of my dreams that involved a toilet in a room outside of the lavatory included me waking up screaming NOOOOOOOO! I love that you have such a healthy self-esteem!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Christopher- Lazy boys are nice, but you are right, they aren't quite as full service as the Numi!

I like your idea. When I'm rich I'll just buy 13 or 14 of these. You will be invited over for nascar race watching, beer drinking, and pizza eating. We may even play a little poker if I can find a big enough table. I wonder if these things can come with wheels?

We could all just wheel ourselves to the poker table, then to the pizza table, then back to the TV and mini fridge when the race gets exciting!

I'm giddy!! I hope I get rich soon!!!


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

@Clara - lol! Usually I would say follow your dreams! Haha! Now I'm falling out of the chair!

@Sue - pizza phone? I wanna potty at your house!


mysterylady 89 profile image

mysterylady 89 5 years ago from Florida

If we ever meet, we can exchange potty tales, mine the grim reality, yours the fantasy fun! Wouldn't it be nice to be rich!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Realho- EVERYONE wants to potty in my house! I'm very popular that way.


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

I have three dogs they like to potty, can they come too?


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Realho- as long as they bring their potty hats!


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

I like those cute little dog diapers. They don't fit me too good though:)!


Ash Hicks profile image

Ash Hicks 5 years ago from Tucson, Arizona

This was a good article. I loved it!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 4 years ago from Indiana Author

Thank you. I have a cut out of this toilet on my fridge. Some people have dream homes, some have dream cars... I have the dream toilet.


iamaudraleigh 4 years ago

Wow...good read!!! That toilet does look like a copier or something to behead body parts...LOL! Fun hub!!!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 4 years ago from Indiana Author

Thanks! I still want one! I have a place set out in my living room. I have a copier there now. It makes me feel better.

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