Designing the Perfect Men’s Bathroom

It would use a lot of carbon-fibre in its construction

WARNING! This article is not written as a quick read since its content is quite complex and is a very important introduction into the state of mankind in the 21st century. Patience is required to complete the entire read since it makes many points of noteworthy consideration while addressing the subject matter at hand.

It is a well-known reality that virtually all residential bathrooms are designed by those possessing the thinking process of the female brain. The masculine brain has great difficulty comprehending the concept of display-only towels and decorative hand soaps. Even more confirmation of this design approach is the complete absence of the urinal which will be referred to as the “wizzer” in subsequent discussions. The toilet is a very poorly designed compromise that fails to adequately meet the needs of either sex. It is constantly involved in the game of “is it up or is it down” that neither party ever seems to win.

Thomas Crapper (the alleged inventor of the toilet) was probably aiming his inventions at the female market since the male at that time was concerned with other more important matters such as war, food, riches and finding sufficient time to consume whatever alcoholic creations were available. Folklore gives credit to Crapper for the invention of the toilet since it is much more interesting than going to the Harrington, Bramah or Jennings who history says were the inventors and subsequent patent holders of the flushing toilet. The main flaw with the flushing toilet for all men is that it is designed as a device to be used in the sitting position while the more common position for the male wizzing is standing in the upright position. This may help to explain the popularity of the local drinking establishment since the men’s washrooms there are generally adequately equipped with functional express wizzers. For most men of the time, the nearest tree was a functional wizzer. It is largely an unaccepted practice in today’s world with the exception of the local golf course. Perhaps it has something to do with the royal and ancient philosophy that revolves around the traditions of the game.

So, with this in mind, we are lead to the attempt to develop the perfect men’s residential bathroom. It is a task that should be undertaken by the likes of NASA scientists, Formula 1 designers and hi-tech weapons architects. Instead of addressing the need for a better men’s bathroom they are once again deeply involved in war, food, riches and left with a poorly designed place to recycle the consumed contents of the many commercially available alcoholic creations out there.

So what would the new Personal Hygiene Purification Room look like? What features would be available in the Phyper MKI Men’s Bathroom? Here are some of the possible approaches that could take shape in the design of this new room that the pioneers of this architecture might have available to them.

Firstly, the entire concept will be environmentally aware and make efficient use of various recycling and conservation modes. The room itself would be more than the size of a bedroom but wouldn’t need to be quite as large as the master bedroom. It would be soundproofed as well as possible and well-ventilated for obvious reasons. The non-slip floors would use radiant heat and the walls would have no seams or grout lines. Space age materials would be used throughout and certainly would use a liberal amount of carbon fibre since it appears to be the best material for this environment. Decoration would be limited to the use of favourite team colours and graphics of favourite alcoholic creations, sports teams, cheerleaders, fish and wildlife and other items of interest to only men.

Upon entering the room, the first object in the user’s line of sight would be a floor to about stomach high wizzer on a raised step up platform. The wizzer would be intelligent since it would know when to flush and sanitize both itself and the user’s hands. It has a central location in keeping with its function as the express line operation of this latest room.

Off to one side would be the throne room where activities that take longer will take place and in the seated position. But there would be no flip up seated toilet with too many 90 degree dimensions. Instead a custom moulded carbon fibre creation would be situated in this room that was, no doubt, designed by a consortium of top thinkers from the auto racing and aeronautical fields. It would have a sloping back, tilted lower bucket with strategically located openings and armrests. The conventional toilet paper holder and roll would be absent since it would be replaced by various beams, blowers and heating elements that would provide the necessary technology to effectively sanitize the user and the throne area.

In another location in the room would be the shower area. There would be no bathtub and the shower area would not be a confining stall with glass walls and doors that required constant cleaning. This new area would be large enough to clean a small elephant if the need arises. It would have multiple digitally controlled shower heads that only dispensed water at the user’s desired setting. Emergency shutoff valves would temporarily kick in if the water pressure dropped enough that the temperature control system could not maintain adequately until the pressure returned to normal. The floor area would be non-slip of course. Radiant heating in the floor and other beams and blowers would take care of any spray that might not be contained in the area as well as upon completion of the shower.

The toweling area would have a carbon fibre closet containing a well-stocked selection of over-sized, super plush and ultra soft bath towels. This would ensure that the user and the small elephant could both be adequately supplied. The used towels would be placed into a chest high combination washing and drying machine that could also handle socks, underwear and lighter clothing. It would be self-reliant and would know when to turn on its cycle. It would normally be set to “Start on exit” mode so the user would not have to be concerned with this task. It would also have a fold, stack and store feature that would place the laundered items in the carbon fibre closet.

And lastly there would be a finishing area that would consist of a moulded counter and a mirrored backstop. The mirrors would extend all the way to the ceiling and would not stop at the user’s shoulders like most rooms designed by the female brain. The process of shaving and masculine hair cutting/treatments would all be handled by a computerized device with pre-programmed and custom user selections. Self trapping nail cutting devices are available here as a support to the more widely used versions that are also present in the throne room. Brushing ones teeth would now be handled by a mini-car wash like computerized device and underarm deodorant would be applied by disposable robotically controlled applicators.

Upon exiting the Phyper MKI Men’s Washroom the user would have the option of selecting the clean button which would commence the self-cleaning cycle. Just like the kitchen stove oven it would lock the door but would have an emergency override switch available. The Phyper MKI would normally be programmed to handle this self-cleaning process to the user’s preference which could be while at work, away or in the middle of the night. The entire unit would also be equipped with low intensity night lights should the user find the need to use the facility at that time.

And what is even stranger than the concept of the Phyper MKI itself is the fact that there exist numerous design teams throughout the world actually involved in various stages of development on many of the concepts presented here. It would seem that Japan has the upper hand in the development process of a lot of these. It’s all about an idea that is a long time coming and will one day become a functional reality.

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