House Cleaning Checklist for Men | Tales of a Temporary Bachelor

A french maid will provide excellent house cleaning services
A french maid will provide excellent house cleaning services | Source

My wife has left town for several weeks to tend to her ailing mother. Since we are empty nesters, it’s just me and a handful of demanding animals. Other than keeping the animals alive, my wife did not leave me with a list of housekeeping duties. I’m on my own with the house cleaning and have developed my own special approach to maintaining the household and cleaning like a man.

As a freelance writer (translation: mostly unemployed person), I have plenty of time to keep everything clean and tidy around the house. Still, house cleaning is not how I want to spend my hard won weeks of bachelorhood. There are games on TV, movies to download and a fridge full of craft beer.

In order to maximize the amount of time I have free - scratch that - to work productively, I have honed the efficiency of my house cleaning efforts. So that others in similar situations may benefit, here is my house cleaning checklist and cleaning tips for men. Women are advised to stop reading now!

An assortment of complicated, unnecessary kitchen devices
An assortment of complicated, unnecessary kitchen devices | Source

One Dish Meals

When cooking for yourself, there is no point in trying to prepare a gourmet, four-course meal. Your strategy here is to make one dish meals for a crowd. There is no crowd of course, only you, and you are making big, quick dinner recipes that will last for several meals. One pot meals are the way to go. Here are some of the best:

Pizza - You can prepare this meal in under an hour. Call your local pizza delivery restaurant (support locally owned businesses whenever possible) and ask for something extra large. If you are lucky, they will have a two for one special. Sit back and wait; it will be ready to eat in 50 minutes or so. Eat the leftovers for breakfast, lunch and dinner until there is no more.

The versatile and tasty potato is the perfect food for bachelors
The versatile and tasty potato is the perfect food for bachelors | Source

Potatoes - The best and most versatile food for a quick and easy dinner is the potato. There are several options for preparing the potato as a one pot meal. Option one is potato chips. Buy an extra large bag when you do your shopping. It should last for at least two meals. Remember that beer goes well with potato chips. For sophisticated dining, pair potato chips with a summer ale or a session ale; you will need lots of beer to balance the salty flavor of the chips.

Potato option two is french fries. This requires a little more cooking skill. Buy a bag of frozen french fries at your locally owned grocery store. When you are back at home, and while you are trying to find where your wife keeps the pans, turn on the oven so it can warm up - preheat is the technical term - to 425 degrees. Dump the entire bag onto a flat baking pan. Bake the pan full of fries for about 25 minutes. Smother with ketchup and pair with an IPA or porter.

Waffle House is for bachelors on a budget
Waffle House is for bachelors on a budget | Source

Potato option three is for dining out on your own. You’re allowed as long long as you stay on a sensible budget. Go to Waffle House and get a double order of hash browns, scattered and smothered. Get a second double order to go; that’s tomorrow night’s dinner. Since Waffle House doesn’t have a liquor license (wouldn’t it be cool if they did?), chug a PBR right before you go and another as soon as you get home.

These four recipes should provide meals for about a week. Then start over again.

Laundry time!
Laundry time! | Source

Laundry Tips for Men

Your wife has probably been feeding you information for years about lights and darks, separating colors, blah, blah, blah. Just take your dirty clothes, dump them in the washer and pour in a couple of glugs of laundry detergent. Turn on the machine as best you can; all those options are confusing. When it’s done, the clothes will be clean. Any white clothes that have turned a light shade of pink can be discarded and replaced with new ones. To dry, put the clothes in the dryer and turn it on.

Remember, your clothes dryer serves as a convenient clean clothes storage device. Pull the dry articles of clothing out of the dryer one by one as needed. When the dryer is empty, it’s time to do laundry again.

As a man, you are wondering how often you should wash your sheets. Consider waiting until the day before your wife is going to come home or, for real bachelors, anytime you think you may be sharing your bed. Otherwise, once per month is the most often you need to wash your sheets; here’s how to make them last:

Sleep on your half of the bed for a week. The next week, sleep on your wife’s half of the bed. Don’t make the bed during the day; it’s a useless waste of time and energy. Your half of the bed will be airing out during the day and while you are sleeping on side two. After the second week, switch back to your side of the bed. Continue this pattern for a minimum of four weeks. That will be the soonest you should consider washing sheets.

What is this guy doing!? They make machines for that!
What is this guy doing!? They make machines for that! | Source

How to Wash Dishes

Thanks to modern science, this is one of the easiest household chores. Just put the dishes in the dishwasher wherever they will fit, pour in a little soap and turn it on. To maximize efficiency like you did with the clothes dryer, use the dishwasher to store your clean dishes. Take them out one by one as needed. When the dishwasher is empty, take all the dirty dishes that are piled up on the counter and put them in the dishwasher; turn it on.

A slightly overdressed team of professional house cleaners
A slightly overdressed team of professional house cleaners | Source

Whole House Cleaning (Vacuuming and Stuff Like That)

This is not something you want to do very often, and it does take some advance planning. Start by making a house cleaning list. The list consists of home cleaning companies and maid service firms in your area. Contact them to find out their house cleaning rates and schedule the one that offers the lowest cost for the best cleaning services.

The best quality of house cleaning will come from a company that offers bikini maid service. They will send a house cleaner dressed in a bikini, french maid outfit or less to do the work. You get to sit back and watch - I mean - supervise. Remember, from her perspective, nothing is more fun than vacuuming in a bikini while you are being ogled by a balding, slightly overweight, middle aged man.

When your wife returns, she will, of course, inspect everything closely to see how you did in her absence. Her years of experience and powers of observation will tell her everything she needs to know about what went on while you were in charge. If you did your house cleaning work just right, rest assured that she will not be asking you to help out around the house in the near future. You can thank me later!

© 2014 chet thomas

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Comments 6 comments

Jodah profile image

Jodah 2 years ago from Queensland Australia

Chet, this is a hilarious hub, and such great advice. My wife goes away for a few weeks a couple of times a year and I may put some of this advice to use. I already buy the frozen chips and change the sheets a day or two before she returns. I don't know of a local maid service, but there must be one surely. I find the animals take the most looking after, any advice on making that easier?


Act 3 profile image

Act 3 2 years ago from Athens, GA Author

Jodah, I'm glad you enjoyed the hub. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. You are right about the animals. No easy solutions there. If I come up with something, maybe I'll add it to the hub.


Trisha Roberts profile image

Trisha Roberts 2 years ago from Rensselaer, New York

This hub.. was pretty awesome to read. I absolutely love it and I do have to share it. I admired the humor in it as well. I also admit I am guilty of doing the dishwasher trick. lol


Act 3 profile image

Act 3 2 years ago from Athens, GA Author

Trisha - you mean women know about that trick!? Thank you for reading and for sharing!


Johnny Parker profile image

Johnny Parker 2 years ago from Birkenhead, Wirral, North West England

I was kinda expecting a blank page here!


Act 3 profile image

Act 3 2 years ago from Athens, GA Author

Ha! Thanks for reading anyway Johnny!

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