I'm Glad To Be Able To 'Squeeze The Charmin'
Bath Tissue Counts. No 'Butts" About It
You might think that I'm all about comedy script and stories. And getting a laugh is the overall important goal of my daily life. I, as a sensitive American, do hate to disappoint your presumptious stance, but that is not me at all. I care about our country. I care about YOU, my fellow American citizens and your quality of life.
Remember the famous television ad that started with somone staring into the camera and saying, "Can we talk about, 'diahrrea'?" I do. That one ad campaign sold a boatload of Pepto-Bismol. But hardly anyone in the high-powered game of multi-media advertising even dared to laugh a poll to see which bathroom tissue the citizens suffering with diahrrea used before they bought the Pepto-Bismol. And that bothers me--that some people who have the power to shape our opinions and buying power, neglected probably THE most important item in any household at anyday or anytime. I am, of course, talking about bathroom tissue.
How important is bathroom tissue? Okay, let me prove my point. We can learn to get along without the television remote, our microwave, our socks, underwear, food (if it took it), but I dare offer this challenge to you: How long can you, as civilized people survive without bathroom tissue?
Bet no one ever approached this subject. At least back when it was taboo to talk about bathroom tissue in the liberal journalism market. But that was in our past. Times I would just as soon forget. I love the way that I have evolved into a caring citizen of our great country. Folks, I sincerely care about what bathroom tissue we use. I stated to say, 'toilet tissue,' but that might offend some sensitive soul somewhere in Iowa, and I am not about offending harmless people.
Just what do you know about bathroom tissue? I thought so. Little or nothing. As long as it cleans you when you relieve yourself, that's all that matters. Not so, "Bunky," for there is more to bathroom tissue than meets the casual shopper's eye. Countless hours of hard work go into the production of quality bathroom tissue. It starts from the timber-cutters in Oregon or Washington State and goes through several paper-refinement machines at a paper mill somewhere in the deep south, then only the best quality of paper--soft to the touch and does a monster job of cleaning make the grade to be called "America's Bathroom Tissue." Have you ever just stopped in the bathroom tissue aisle in your favorite grocery store and pondered for a few moments about what you are holding in your hand when you are selecting bathroom tissue? Thought so. Oh, it doesn't matter what brand I buy as long as I save money. Such are the apathetic thoughts of an insensitive consumer.
Not all bathroom tissues are created equal. Take Scott's, for instance. You have regular Scott's bathroom tissue, in convenient four and eight-roll packages. Then on down the shelf, you have Angel Soft with a cute infant baby on the pack luring you to buy that product. And then you have the off-brand, the generic brands of bathroom tissue--E-Z Clean; Super Swipe and Tough Times bathroom tissues. Most are cheap for a reason. They are made in the cheapest of production companies who leave off the many months of research, development and testing to provide you and I the very best bathroom tissue ever to be put on a dispenser in our bathrooms.
And be warned. The cheap bathroom tissues can cause chaffing on the behind. Now who really wants a red, chaffed behind when they are about to make a major presentation to a team of wealthy clients at their workplace? NOBODY! Think, folks! Cheap doesn't mean good. And then there is that looming, ever-present dark fear of fears that when you start to clean yourself, the cheap bathroom tissue comes apart and then you are stuck with dung on your hand that is difficult to wash off. I wish this on noone. It's probaby the "Mother of All Social Blunders," to clean yourself with a cheap bathroom tissue, it splits a dead-beat dad, and you have the stench and color of your own dung on your hand. You then labor to wash it off your hands. Thinking that the Ivory soap you have bought to clean your hands has freed you from this social embarrassment, fails and you walk back into the room of big-money clients who instantly detect the odor of dung and start scoping the room to see whom the stench is on.
Yeah, they find you, and start whispering about you when your head is turned. They wonder if you are mentally and socially-inept and even know that your hands are a light brown and smell like the sewer under the city streets. You see, buying quality bathroom tissue is NOT an unneeded expenditure, it's an investment in your own success as a person and to the company that gives you a paycheck every two weeks. Be more aware when you are purchasing bathroom tissue, friends.
For me personally, I recommend Charmin bathroom tissue. Why? Because I can trust Charmin--everytime I use my bathroom and see the trusty name, Charmin, jumping off the package at me, I feel good. I feel confident. I mean, cleaning yourself is probably the most sensitive area of personal development in our lives and it's not designed to be a secret adventure--of risk and daring to see if the cheap brand of bathroom tissue that I bought last week will work or not. Folks, eliminate the worry. Buy Chamin bathroom tissue and be finished with it.
Oh yes. Over the years I have tried other brands, those I mentioned in this story--even a few generic brands, which by the way, is not tightly-rolled so you go through a four-roll pack of generic bathroom tissue inside of a week. That's when my eyes were opened and I bought Charmin and have stayed with them. And using Charmin as my bathroom tissue once and for all. Besides I loved that Mr. Wimpell, the character actor that made the catch-phrase, "Please don't squeeze the Charmin," a household phrase across the country. Mr. Wimpell rocked!
I also based my choice of making Charmin my bathroom tissue on another reason besides, quality, savings, and great service, I used my heart to solve my dilemma of which bathroom tissue to purchase:
As I stood there in my favorite grocery store, Winn-Dixie, back when it was in business in Hamilton, Alabama where I live, I thought solemnly, "If I can't trust the noble face of Mr. Wimpell, who can I trust?"
In one 'clean' decision, I was convinced. Charmin was THE bathroom tissue for me
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