I'm Glad To Be Able To 'Squeeze The Charmin'

Bath Tissue Counts. No 'Butts" About It

You might think that I'm all about comedy script and stories. And getting a laugh is the overall important goal of my daily life. I, as a sensitive American, do hate to disappoint your presumptious stance, but that is not me at all. I care about our country. I care about YOU, my fellow American citizens and your quality of life.

Remember the famous television ad that started with somone staring into the camera and saying, "Can we talk about, 'diahrrea'?" I do. That one ad campaign sold a boatload of Pepto-Bismol. But hardly anyone in the high-powered game of multi-media advertising even dared to laugh a poll to see which bathroom tissue the citizens suffering with diahrrea used before they bought the Pepto-Bismol. And that bothers me--that some people who have the power to shape our opinions and buying power, neglected probably THE most important item in any household at anyday or anytime. I am, of course, talking about bathroom tissue.

How important is bathroom tissue? Okay, let me prove my point. We can learn to get along without the television remote, our microwave, our socks, underwear, food (if it took it), but I dare offer this challenge to you: How long can you, as civilized people survive without bathroom tissue?

Bet no one ever approached this subject. At least back when it was taboo to talk about bathroom tissue in the liberal journalism market. But that was in our past. Times I would just as soon forget. I love the way that I have evolved into a caring citizen of our great country. Folks, I sincerely care about what bathroom tissue we use. I stated to say, 'toilet tissue,' but that might offend some sensitive soul somewhere in Iowa, and I am not about offending harmless people.

Just what do you know about bathroom tissue? I thought so. Little or nothing. As long as it cleans you when you relieve yourself, that's all that matters. Not so, "Bunky," for there is more to bathroom tissue than meets the casual shopper's eye. Countless hours of hard work go into the production of quality bathroom tissue. It starts from the timber-cutters in Oregon or Washington State and goes through several paper-refinement machines at a paper mill somewhere in the deep south, then only the best quality of paper--soft to the touch and does a monster job of cleaning make the grade to be called "America's Bathroom Tissue." Have you ever just stopped in the bathroom tissue aisle in your favorite grocery store and pondered for a few moments about what you are holding in your hand when you are selecting bathroom tissue? Thought so. Oh, it doesn't matter what brand I buy as long as I save money. Such are the apathetic thoughts of an insensitive consumer.

Not all bathroom tissues are created equal. Take Scott's, for instance. You have regular Scott's bathroom tissue, in convenient four and eight-roll packages. Then on down the shelf, you have Angel Soft with a cute infant baby on the pack luring you to buy that product. And then you have the off-brand, the generic brands of bathroom tissue--E-Z Clean; Super Swipe and Tough Times bathroom tissues. Most are cheap for a reason. They are made in the cheapest of production companies who leave off the many months of research, development and testing to provide you and I the very best bathroom tissue ever to be put on a dispenser in our bathrooms.

And be warned. The cheap bathroom tissues can cause chaffing on the behind. Now who really wants a red, chaffed behind when they are about to make a major presentation to a team of wealthy clients at their workplace? NOBODY! Think, folks! Cheap doesn't mean good. And then there is that looming, ever-present dark fear of fears that when you start to clean yourself, the cheap bathroom tissue comes apart and then you are stuck with dung on your hand that is difficult to wash off. I wish this on noone. It's probaby the "Mother of All Social Blunders," to clean yourself with a cheap bathroom tissue, it splits a dead-beat dad, and you have the stench and color of your own dung on your hand. You then labor to wash it off your hands. Thinking that the Ivory soap you have bought to clean your hands has freed you from this social embarrassment, fails and you walk back into the room of big-money clients who instantly detect the odor of dung and start scoping the room to see whom the stench is on.

Yeah, they find you, and start whispering about you when your head is turned. They wonder if you are mentally and socially-inept and even know that your hands are a light brown and smell like the sewer under the city streets. You see, buying quality bathroom tissue is NOT an unneeded expenditure, it's an investment in your own success as a person and to the company that gives you a paycheck every two weeks. Be more aware when you are purchasing bathroom tissue, friends.

For me personally, I recommend Charmin bathroom tissue. Why? Because I can trust Charmin--everytime I use my bathroom and see the trusty name, Charmin, jumping off the package at me, I feel good. I feel confident. I mean, cleaning yourself is probably the most sensitive area of personal development in our lives and it's not designed to be a secret adventure--of risk and daring to see if the cheap brand of bathroom tissue that I bought last week will work or not. Folks, eliminate the worry. Buy Chamin bathroom tissue and be finished with it.

Oh yes. Over the years I have tried other brands, those I mentioned in this story--even a few generic brands, which by the way, is not tightly-rolled so you go through a four-roll pack of generic bathroom tissue inside of a week. That's when my eyes were opened and I bought Charmin and have stayed with them. And using Charmin as my bathroom tissue once and for all. Besides I loved that Mr. Wimpell, the character actor that made the catch-phrase, "Please don't squeeze the Charmin," a household phrase across the country. Mr. Wimpell rocked!

I also based my choice of making Charmin my bathroom tissue on another reason besides, quality, savings, and great service, I used my heart to solve my dilemma of which bathroom tissue to purchase:

As I stood there in my favorite grocery store, Winn-Dixie, back when it was in business in Hamilton, Alabama where I live, I thought solemnly, "If I can't trust the noble face of Mr. Wimpell, who can I trust?"

In one 'clean' decision, I was convinced. Charmin was THE bathroom tissue for me


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Comments 68 comments

Connie Smith profile image

Connie Smith 5 years ago from Tampa Bay, Florida

There is no chafing on my behind, lol. I started using the new "wet" toilet paper, which sounds disgusting until you know that it actually comes that way from the toilet paper factory....it is an excellent invention and I am sure that if only they could make the container "squeezable," Mr. Whipple would have thought of it long ago.


kenneth avery 5 years ago

Hi, Connie! Im sorry that I haven't been around to check these hubs. THANK YOU so much for the comment and no, I am not grossed out. Whatever works is my motto. And Mr. Whipple is looking down from that SOLID WHITE home of his in that place beyond the stars and smiling. Thanks,Connie.


mandyf profile image

mandyf 5 years ago

I laughed so hard My bladder gave way! Charmin worked wonders for me! (holds up a package of Charmin while hugging the bears then turns and give a wink and glistening smile)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

12/1...Dear Mandy, are you sure that you are not a secret comedy writer? This comment is hilarious. Where do you come up with your ideas? You could easily write screenplays or maybe plays for theater companies. Ive done that in 1993, and it CAN be fun, but once it stops being fun, time to move on. But I see MORE of a versatility in your writing talent than just hubs. You read it here first. And Im sticking to it.


mandyf profile image

mandyf 5 years ago

Hard life growing up has led me to believe there is humor in everything if you ar enjoying life. I still have rough roads but I have learned to take things as they come and that anything that happens in my life is do to my choices I choose. Mostly I come up with my ideas from my very sarcastic nature, I write what I know and If I want to write on a subject I have a tendancy to sit with someone in an in depth conversation until I feel I completly understand what they have been through. Besides it is life and life should be filled with just as much laghter as there is sorrow. I make it a point to smile and laugh everyday and to pass my annoying perkiness on to others. I have been known to entertain children screaming in walmart and making a fool of myself just because I can. I am always in true form no matter where I go and am not afraid of embarrassment or who I am. because I am proud of everything in my life bad and good they have made me who I am today. It is really a simple motto to live by. Laugh everday, pass a smile on, put aside a day for complete grump mood, express yourself in true form and you will have true friends. OH also hold no regrets because mistakes are how we learn and help us grow.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

12/3 at 2:16 a.m./cst

Dear Mandy,

I agree with you all the way. I appreciate, condone and promote YOUR healthy and very-wise attitude. I knew that you were a special friend the first time I read your comments. Thanks for sharing this needed-bit of life wisdom. Kenneth


mandyf profile image

mandyf 4 years ago

no prob bob


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

12/13

Hi, Mandy...LOL, "no sweat, nett!"


mandyf profile image

mandyf 4 years ago

alrighty whitey lol


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

That's 'dandy,' Mandy! LOL!!! :)


mandyf profile image

mandyf 4 years ago

its great nate!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

. . .sweet as candy, Randy.


mandyf profile image

mandyf 4 years ago

I have Pica, mika


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

(wow, Mandy)

okay. Uhhh, "Bravo, Jocko!"


mandyf profile image

mandyf 4 years ago

lol I dont think that rhymed but I'll take it

gimme a brake jake


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Wow, I am struggling, my friend, Mandy.

"Gonna give you some slack, Jack,"


mandyf profile image

mandyf 4 years ago

well for struggling that was awesome

too awesome possum


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

LOL, mandy...(lets see how long we can keep this going and set a record for longest comment string on HubPages),....okay....let's see....

ahhhh, (light bulb goes off)..."So good, Hood!"


mandyf profile image

mandyf 4 years ago

LOL YOU ARE SO ON! I LOVE A CHALLENGE!

I agree, Marie


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

12-21

What a Super Friend you are, Mandy!

Okay. Hmmm. Is he stumped? What will be his next move?

Hey, it's . . ."Magnificent, Vincent!"

Hes did it again...(applause sounds)


mandyf profile image

mandyf 4 years ago

AND THE CROWD WENT WILD!

aint no bananna, Hannah


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

My Dear Mandy,

now it's time to bring up 'the big guns,'

"Piece of candy, Andy!"

:) hate to gloat, but are you ready to throw in the towel? LOL.


mandyf profile image

mandyf 4 years ago

NO WAY JOSE' I do NOT give up that easy MR! LOL

this is easy, Weezy

I got nothin better to do, Lou


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

12/25 . . .WOW! Gasp! Stunned for a moment, but . . .

(crowd is silent as I look into my verbal bag of tricks and pull out . . .)

"(as for this contest. For me) "No blarney, Barney!"

"Well done, Hugh Don!"

Now . . .the crowd breaks into a chaotic frenzy!


mandyf profile image

mandyf 4 years ago

hmmmm processing....processing....wait for it....computing... way to go , joe

I am having trouble coming up with some rubble but you did fine with hugh don line now let me see I think mine might be.....How u been, Ken?


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Ouuuuuch, Mandy! A one, two punch! Loved it. You think "Im on the ropes?" Watch this . . .

"Very Neat, Pete!" (hand is held up in air by the referee as winner...right?)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

PS: One more . . ."Like taking candy from Mandy!"


mandyf profile image

mandyf 4 years ago

(referee throws hands down) Mandy goes for the next line...here's a jug doug, what a slob bob, happy new year dear, got confetti betty, you the smartest bean dean, Im not deaf Jeff, one more for the referee marie, you the man dan, (bows and takes applauds and exits stage left)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

12/27 . . .My Dear Mandy...WOW! The smoke has now cleared. I step to the microphone to say, what YOU THOUGTHT was my concession speech. Not! Im just getting warmed up. Although I love and respect THESE verbal punches--one after the other...I step back...take a breath and charge you full-speed with . . .

"Stupendous, Rufus!" and . . ."Nice line, Cline!" and . . ."What a girl, Pearl!" and . . ."You're The Best, Celeste," . . .My worthy opponent stops suddenly in the hallway to the dressing rooms. Her head bowed low. She knows that she is not in the ring with a "Green Hand, Myland," and begins to cry, Vie," and slowly walks back to the ring where I am standing. Waiting....Care for more, Moore?" . . .your turn!


oldandwise 4 years ago

lol...well stated! voted up!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

THANKS A MILLION, oldandwise...that means a LOT to me. Since this was one of my first hubs, I will treasure your comments and the rest who commented on this for a long time. Happy New Year to you, friend.


mandyf profile image

mandyf 4 years ago

WOW! You really did it this time! (bows head pondering defeat) Drop dead, fred. I got a few more , bore. back to bed, ned. you are quite handy,sandy. are you ready,freddy? are you gonna cave, dave? want more, filmore? I have all day, Ray.


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kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

My Dear Mandy...(this is my evil laugh) Baaahahahhha! Me? Cave? Bahahahaha! (Twists handle bar mustache), now for some 'hard ball,' Way to go, Joe! Hang in there, O'Hare!, Show 'em how to win games, James!, We're for you, Sue! You broke the tape, Tate! and . . .Great run, Ron!--(opponent is in deep hub shock. Tears come to her eyes. She senses that it's all over but the crying) . . .are YOU ready, Teddy? LOL...how long will this go on? (seriously) Dear Mandy??? When and IF, we stop, we need to tell HubPages about this monumental feat, "Pete,"--this is addictive!!!!


mandyf profile image

mandyf 4 years ago

lol I is thinkin' Lincoln, might need a day,Jay. or maybe a week, uh...um...leak? lol seriously stunned into silence. I think Hubpages might need to award us with something...not sure what lol


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

High Five, Clive! You are da rave, Dave! This is so crazy, Daisy! I need to be in bed, Ted, (((MANDY, I think you are right. We earned one. Happy New Year to one of my favorite people...Mandy, who by the way, is sweeter than Snickers candy!" Just had to tag YOUR name with a line...have a good day, Ray!


mandyf profile image

mandyf 4 years ago

WOW you are really good at this ...lol I am running out of rhyme...lol guess I should invest in a rhyming dictionary, Larry. I am not getting wary, Carrie. That was Rank, Hank. how savory, Mr. Avery. Oh Golly, Molly. It was my line, Cline. Under the table, Sable. Gotta go to work, Jerk. lol I am getting lame, Dame. Happy New year to you too! May it bring you good fortune and many stories to tell!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear mandy,

me good? Look at the "Queen of Comment," and sharp as a whip, Demp! (that bit); LOL, Im running low also of rhymes also, but we can go as far we can, Jan! Dont give in, Gin! Cut a rug, Doug; Not through, Lou! (saving some for YOUR next comment), but seriously, mandy...You and yours have a Great,Safe, Happy and Loving New Year!!!!


April Reynolds profile image

April Reynolds 4 years ago from Arizona

Yes, charmin is best! I grew up on Scotts and promised myself I would never buy it on my own. Some things are worth the money!

can I join with "it's a fable, mable" ?


mandyf profile image

mandyf 4 years ago

Bring it on Dear April, Check back daily for more updates...Now on to other news, crews. It was a long day, Jay. When the the car, Omar, hit the lake,Hake. Someone stole that light from the 54 flight,and farmer dell, hid the liberty bell. Traffic pile up on 64, due to a blue door, that went flying past a Tv cast, In a van, man. It overturned and began to burn. But all is well for farmer dell, who returned yet again the liberty bell. We'll be back, Jack at ten oclock,jock see you then, ben


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kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

(dizzy. Stunned. Great punches, Mandy!) (I pace the ring. Stare into space. Get the sesame seed from underneath my molar) ready to go, Flo? Not so dim, Tim! Wham Bam, Pam! Dont Moan, Joan! Get out of the fast lane, Dwayne! That is sick, Dick! OH how misty, Christy! Hes no has-been, Ken! Whats his name, Raime? So funny, Johnny! (bows to a crowd giving me a standing Ovation)...next!


April Reynolds profile image

April Reynolds 4 years ago from Arizona

Up steps the new girl. She has to say, he went to heaven, kevin, it was a long flight dwight. It took all day, Jay. We all had jet lag, Mag. Saw the Rock of Gibralter, Walter. It was a long hike, Mike. We will have to go back, Mac. We went home on the plane, Jane. Slept like the dead, Fred. And that made me smile, Kyle.


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kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

(crowd erupts into wild standing ovation--screams, yells, hands clapping at April, new contender) who did an outstanding job, but she soon realizes when she sees Mandy and Kenneth, she is in "the Big Leagues," and all "I" can say is . . .Not bad, Thad! Eyes are misty, Christy! Bad? Are you silly, Millie? Oh, oh, my bruises are blue, Stu! and . . .Jabs were safe, Rafe!----NEXT!


April Reynolds profile image

April Reynolds 4 years ago from Arizona

Head held high, she lets out a cry : It's time to wake up, Jacob. Get a move on, Lon! We'll take the train, Wayne. Time for the game, Auntie Mame! It's at the park, Mark. Don't be late, Kate. We must go, Joe. Right now, Hal!


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kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Heyyyy, Mandy! HELLLP! I'm takin' beating, Skeeting, on the mat, Nat, in the dirt, Curt, Hope I can finish, Dennis, But Im not done, Jon! Well see who's the bester, Ester! Im not that vain, Crane! Help, this April HubRapper is a dandy, Mandy! Outta sight, Fite! (wheww...glad the bell rang.) Next . . .hey, Mandy...do you want to take April on????


mandyf profile image

mandyf 4 years ago

LOL I dont know if I should take her on she is pretty good! I LOVE IT ALL! (sits and ponders tapping fingers on table...humming a little tune to get her mind ready and rearin) You guys are great, mate. I fear,dear the competition is thick, mick. I need a new thinker, tinker. This one is loose, goose. It is a frog I spieth, Goliath. This is scarey Mary.You're up to bat, Matt. Lazy as Swayze. It's all getting Hazy, Daisy. Here's your sign, Cline. What's with the querry, Terri? On the contrary, Jerry. Get a clue, Hugh. It's located in south platte, Pat. your tire is flat,Kat. not the yang but the yen, Ken. Its all about feng Shui, Rene. put down the pistol, Crystal. Here's a chalice, Alice. Welcome to the clan, anne. Shag on the rug, doug. eat more candy, brandy. Don't forget to pucker, Drucker. Ya kicked my shin, Ben. It was meant to be, Lee. you always persist in, Kristin. Feelin' twisty, Misty. I'm standin',Landen. you must abandon, Brandon. Buena Vista, Krista. Don't be petty, Betty. Don't wear plaid, Brad. you have to add, chad. It's hot in the sauna, donna. you're awfully hairy, Sherry. It's very camber, amber. Don't be a prick, Rick. it's a duck, schmuck. Go to Laramie, Jeremy.

(pauses and takes a deep breath) who you gunna marry, Carrie? That dude was a madame, Adam! what a dweeb, Habib. You are lookin frayed, Wade. are you ever gunna leave, Steve? WOOHOO I got cable, Mabel. Toothy Plaque, Mack. You need to brush,Rush. It was written by Barth, Garth.(Swiss Protestant theologian 1886-1968 initiated a radical change in Protestant thought. Just cause I wanted to enlighten our little game with a little knowledge...lol I have such a weird taste for things I decide to look up and research.) The song was about constantinople, Opal. what a hero, Ramiro. Ride a Harley, Farley. Millions lost in the Bank, Frank. goin dutch, Hutch. that's great, Tate. Get bent, Trent. You're a pal, Val! All about makin dough,Joe. And makin lots of bread, Ned. whatch out for the crusher, Usher. Time to hit the hay, Kay. WHEW! I think I finally tired out! LOL I can see smoke streaming from my ears!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

(CROWD STORMS THE RING. SECURITY PERSONNEL KEEPS THE MOBS BACK WHILE MANDY BOWS IN APPARENT VICTORY..BUT WAIT..."I" MAKE ONE STEP BACK INTO THE RING, WHILE APRIL GETS HER BREATH and without as much, hutch, of a notice, Lois, here I am, Sam; Cant ask fo r'mo' Joe, I got a lot in my head, Ned, Way to go, Red, Are you nutty, Buddy? Chances of losing are 'SLIM' KIM, (a one-two punch), No axes, Alex, Take a chill pill, Bill, narly, Charlie, "winning," Benning, My hair has such a sheen, "sheen," Be ready, Teddy; I gained my high rank, Frank, Oops, my arms are getting hairy, Larry; Dont be surly, Curly; Losing is for losers, 'boozer,' This challenge is limp, Wimp; (GAZES TO THE CROWD..A BEVY OF PRETTY GIRLS ARE CHEERING AS I CHARGE AGAIN WITH . . .) Im on par, Radar; This is stuffy, Muffy; Im a hit again, Gwen; Dont dare take a poke, Doke...(BELL RINGS. I WALK EXHAUSTED BACK TO MY CORNER...) APRIL....YOU BETTER HAVE YOU GAME ON . . .


April Reynolds profile image

April Reynolds 4 years ago from Arizona

Wowwww, I sit in stunned silence for a minute...but I slept good last night and I'm ready to fight...Did you get your magazine, Francine? Yes, I did, Sid. I got it today, Gaye. The pictures are great, Nate. It's all the rave, Dave. You know I have a passion for fashion, Sebastian. Look at that dress, Tess. She's to skinny, Minny. Did you see the recipe, Giuseppe? It's for Vermont Maple Candy, Mandy. Oh no, I'm out of maple, April. That's do bad, Dad. Does it need and egg, Meg? I don't think so, Flo. Did you read the safety tip, Chip? The one about the car Dar, on how to change your oil, Doyle. Here's one on Ceneth, Kenneth (Ceneth Energy Corp. a green building company in Canada. Had to look it up.., extra points??) :) What a big scandal, Randal! Where was the money, Honey? In Grand Cayman, Raymond. I like your story, Lori. Thank you, I was afraid it was too long, Wong. It's all over for me, Dee. Put it away, Mai. Goodness, I need a nap!


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kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Mandy...HELLLLP! (Im shocked. Bruised. Bleeding about the face, lip, reeling back to the ropes, and suddenly, as if a secret switch in my neck is flipped on...) . . .Im not done, John, Hurting is not fun, Jon Jon (double points,like your research, used two names to make one name), We need to go bowlin, Olin, So uncuth, Ruth, Hey, a panda, amanda! This fight is clean, Geraldine! Blood gone. I can see, Melodie, I have to yawn, Shawn! Take that, Matt! Bingo, Ringo! Time for beddie, Eddie! Hear that song, Fong? Dont stare at it, McGarret? Ahhh, a bunt, Lamont! Sock-o, Roll-o! Dont cry and make a mess, Tess! (TAKES BOW, MANAGER GIVES ME A BOTTLE OF WATER...I HEAD BACK TO MY CORNER WITH THE CAMERAS GOING OFF...MANDY...GET IN HERE!)


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mandyf 4 years ago

(sits in the third corner, Horner. raises her thumb, mum.) we are all the bomb, mom. How can I win, flynn? It's been a hair raising fight, Dwight. Never outta time on the clock, Sok. Too tired and ingorged, george. Have to pull up my britches, Bitc....es(HAHA ) you cuss like a sailor, Taylor. More like a trucker, drucker. (grabs inhaler and puffs, sits in corner and runs to Ken and takes water bottle. Guzzles it gone...Taps Ken in)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

. . .here I go, Moe! Im no lackey, Jacky! Are my knees knobby, Bobby? Slick as an eel, Neal! No drama, Mama! Worked up a blister, sister! On a ledge, Sledge....(get two points for connecting jabs...sister-sledge); Youre not ahead, Ed! What a mess, Les! Kinda racy, Tracy! Are spacey, Lacy? Crying? Eyes misty, Kristy? Out on a limb, Tim? Talk about mean, Geraldine! On a hilltop, not in a valley, Sally! - - -(jumps in air, does Kung Fu kick...tags April) . . .hit it girl...


April Reynolds profile image

April Reynolds 4 years ago from Arizona

stepping up, but feeling faint, fading fast, not sure I will last. I did my best, Celest. These guys are great Nate. Top of the class, Cass. I can't go on. Lon. My vision's wavy, Davy. Ok, one more try, Sly. I'll try hard, Ward. We can make it, Kit. Just take it slow Moe. (Drops exhausted on the floor, where is that water bottle??) You're up next Mandy!


mandyf profile image

mandyf 4 years ago

I broke my pelvis, elvis. from missing the chair, Alastair. It's in my Lumbar, Omar. It hurts real bad, Thad. My leg goes numb, Mr. Crumb. I need help to stand, Rand. And help to sit, twitt. But I can still walk fine, Cline. Even though it's searing pain, Elaine. It sucks to all hecky, Becky. Im falling apart, you fart. Got any glue, Lou? It would help a lot, Spot. I'm off to dread the bed ned and sleep like the dead, whilst I rest my head, fred,like I said Ted, my broken hip, skip cant take this sit.


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kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

. . .(I almost reel to the canvas, but something clicks before I go down . . .) My hands feel like ton, Don! Hey, dont run, Ron! Are you antsy, Nancy? Hit the street, Pete! Im about to heave, Steve! What if I hit ya and you fell, Terrell? Im not sick, Nick! Far from it, Dobbit! Strong, Fong! Who is that yelling, Danny? Oh its your granny! Is this 'fight' free, Lee? Why do you flee, Leigh? (double points for male/female name synonyms), Dont use the mace, Ace! Bingo, Ringo! That's all, Paul! Why the shimmy, Jimmy? You aint so bad, Ladd! )(struggling to walk to my corner...with a powerful lunge, I tag April . . .) go for it.


April Reynolds profile image

April Reynolds 4 years ago from Arizona

My boys loved "I'm falling apart, you fart", Mandy! It's their new favorite saying. :) I'm sorry your hurt, Kurt. Have you been to Macy's, Stacy? They have a big sale, Dale. Are you sure you have enough money, honey? I'd rather go to Penny's Jenny. I like their jeans, Dean. Can we go to Walmart Bart? I need new shoes, Drew. Nelly, can you bring me back some jelly? I don't want to go, Mo. I also need shampoo, Lou. Have you been to Target Maragret? Did you see their new TV, Dee? I just want to stay home Jerome. Please go without me, Bea.


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kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

("I" am still getting oxygen from last round) so, GO MANDY . . .


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mandyf 4 years ago

LOL Im so loving this, Miss. Still down with hip, Bip. Havent been to the store, Jore. But as soon as I can, man. Yes I got lots of dough, Yo. Gunna spend it as Menards, Benard. Get a new tub, Bub. and maybe a new swing, Ying. I love Macy, Gacey. My favorite store, Thore! Im in there all day, May. Cant get enough of it, Mitt. Call for Ken cpr, Gar. He cant breath right, Dwight. Maybe an o2 Machine, Dean. sporatic thoughts live here, Gere. running out of words to say, Jay. Long night and long day, Kay


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kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

(MUSIC FROM 'ROCKY I' KICKS IN. MY EYES SUDDENLY POP OPEN...DANCING TO THE CENTER OF THE RING . . .) Love your bling, Sting! New shoes, Sue? I need some fun, John! Watch that snapping turtle, Myrtle! Look out! An angry panda, Manda! You dont know, Bruno! You wont do, Lou! Aw, why dont you be merry, Mary? This is getting rough, Muff! Need a leg split, Clint! Dont bother, Arthur! In the dirt, Burt? . . .that was it...a hard round...my manager calls me to my corner...APRIL, GET TO IT!


mandyf profile image

mandyf 4 years ago

HMMMM....Is April stunned into silence? The crowd awaits her vibrant rhyme, with time. Is it draw, Mr. Law? let us ask the ref, Hef. Is she still in the game, Dame? Who know, Flo. Is she coming back, Jack? Probably just thinkin, Lincoln. Why is she taking so long, Kong? I do not know, Moe. Tell her to hurry, Murray. I will, Bill.


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mandyf 4 years ago

I JUST REALIZED IT TAKES LIKE % MINUTES TO SCROLL TO COMMENT!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Mandy, this IS the longest comment 'tree' of record, Willard! Hungry? Nice ham, Pam! Hey, Trixie, you from Dixie? (WHERE IS OUR APRIL?) Is she done, Ron? Afraid, Cade? What a name, McCain! I hope the REF doesnt boot us, Cleetus! No, Im not Toby, Scoby! Are you Kool Moe Dee, Leigh? (STRUGGLES TO WALK TO MY CORNER . . .MANDY LOOKS AT DRESSING ROOM TO SEE IF APRIL IS COMING...) . . .GIVE HER SECONDS, ONLY 3, LEE . . .and do it, Pitt! . . .


April Reynolds profile image

April Reynolds 4 years ago from Arizona

April rounds the corner in a dash, out of breath she joins in...I'm still here, dear. Just lost my voice, Joyce. Been so busy, Lizzy, looking for a job, Bob. Can I see your ad, Thad? Should I be a waitress, Tess? Maybe a maitre'd, Lee. I could be a nanny, Fanny. Or a salesman, Nan. I tried to sell burrito's,Quito. It didn't work so well, Mel. I didn't make much dough, Ro. Saw an ad for a tooth fairy, Carrie. It was really for a dentist's helper, sir. I will have to look some more, Mr. Gore. This is hard work, Dirk. I'm glad I made it back, Zack.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

. . .Then, as "I" stand, Mandy, in a flash of light, jumps the top rope, grabs the microphone and says . . .


mandyf profile image

mandyf 4 years ago

Um, Hello? Is this thing still on, Don Won? Can you hear me, Dupree? It's to quiet here, Dear. Maybe I should scream, Jaheim. I Don't think so , Moe. Well, Why not, you snot? It might be too loud, you shroud. Well, I am gunna anyway, Jay. I will leave then, Jen. No you will not, Dot. You are right, dwight. I will stay, kay. and see you fail, gail. You shall meet my wrath, cath. oooooooo you so scary, Larry. I will shock you with my footie jammies, mammy. I will pull a peter griffin on you, hugh. Don't make me do it, Hewitt. I am a mean lean shocking machine, Jean. I must go and lay the spans to bed, Jed. They have been up to late, Mate. Off I go for now, Dow. I be back tomorrow, Mr. Horrow. ---(passes mic to Ken...pray for me ...the kids are fairly evil tonight. )


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

(WILL pray for your children, Mandy) . . .Got any money, Connie? Im kinda broke, Doke! Maybe gimme a ten, Ben! Or a five, Clive! Okay, a one, Hun! What? No teeth, Heath? What a day, Ray! And you are kinda mean, Maxine! Lets give this ring some action, Jackson! Oh, my tummy, Tommy! See, KiKi Dee? Dont fall off that cliff, Cliff! (double points for verb and noun useage); Gas price hike, Mike! Is that the church bell, Michelle? Your shoes are so clean, Aileen! Long haul, Paul! (NOW FEELING STAMINA FADING AWAY...AS IM FALLING, I THROW APRIL THE MICROPHONE . . .COME ON, APRIL . . .) DO YOUR THING, BLING! . . .


mandyf profile image

mandyf 4 years ago

Double Points? MAN I NEED TO RESEARCH SOME MATERIAL.....


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

LOL, yeah, Mandy. cliff is a noun. Cliff is a person . . .uhhh, oh. You are right. Okay. While "I" eat MORE humble pie, Rye, you are up, April, OUR Friend, Ben! Cant stop this rhyme, not for a dime...help APRIL . . .go for it ....NOW


April Reynolds profile image

April Reynolds 4 years ago from Arizona

I'm sorry, I was at the movie, Judy. Which one do you mean, Dean? It was a love story, Dori. How was the lead man, Jan. He was ok, Jay. I liked his horse, Horace. He was the real star, Dar. Would you see it again Ben? I don't know, Joe. Is my turn over, Rover. What did I miss, Sis? It's still your turn, Fern. Who goes next, Rex? I think it's Mandy, Randy. I hope her kids are good now, Hal. Me too, Lou. Have a good night, Dwight!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

. . .That's swell, Dale! Not a disaster, Casper; Oh so neat, Pete . . .with that, and a top hat, here's our friend, Jinn, Mandy . . .with NO candy? . . .take it Mandy . . .

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