Fear is merely a psychological problem that is common among the modern populace of people. As extracted from the dictionary, it states "a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid." Most people are afraid of the dark, of seeing blood. Moreover who can be hold responsible for those who have a phobia of the sea...and what is beneath it? Some people fear the water for the possibility of drowning - aqua phobia. Others fear it for the thought of being mauled to death by a Great White Shark, the most deadliest and ferocious of all man-eating sharks. Among the people in this world, I am not one, to live without fear, or perhaps an unreasonable, a persistent, irrational fear. It's considered normal for people of getting afraid for the simple reason such as the loss of life.
My fear is one that is illogical, probably already a psychological problem that was...instilled in me. Let me unravel my story to you, how my greatest fear came to pass... I was merely five years old. Two decades ago, my parents were living in an old 3-room flat in Coporation Drive, Taman Jurong [Jurong Garden]. There, we were but co-inhabitants of the house. My siblings consist of two elder brothers, two elder sisters and one younger brother lived in the house. The house was an estimated fifteen years in my father's ownership. I really loved the place. I was familiar with every nook and cranny in the house. It was a part of my chapter of life, my childhood memories. However, when I was alone one night in my brother's room, a nocturnal beast made its way into that lonely room. I loved the dark as strange as it might be; it brought me alleviation or comfort. Suddenly, in the faint or unsteady of a light, it moved. It's six; spiny legs scurried acoss the tiles. It stopped barely two metres ahead of me. In a blink of an eye, it exposed its paper thin-wings and flew off the ground! I was taken aback. It hovered in the air and landed on the wall. It flew from one wall to the other. That was the first time I felt fear and helpless. My heart beat faster as though it's going to pop out of my chest. Bravely, I fought the urge to cry out. The unimaginable happened. It "attacked" me! It flew directly at me! I lay flat on my tummy and turned around. I stood around and jumped onto the bed. Without thinking, I grabbed a pillow and threw it behind me. "Arghh!" I screamed like a berserk barbarian.
It was gone.
I sat in the darkness of my bed, leaning my back against the wall. Nobody came. I began feeling my cheeks flush in embarrassment. It was at that moment of peace that I sense it. "It" was crawling on my upper back. I felt six distinctive pressures on my right upper back. The sensation seemed to be moving upwards, towards my neck. The whole moment was pure torture. My heart beat so fast, I felt as though my end was near. The feeling of numbness has overtaken my entire body. I've become like a jelly. I could not move from my cross-legged position. I was paralysed. "I'm too young to die." I could only manage to catch a glimpse of its feelers, twitching. Tears began to roll down my eyes. Opening my mouth wide open, to scream, but only silence filled the room. "It" stopped moving. Out of a sudden, in a burst of mad energy, it scurried across my neck.
"Mom! Arghh!!" I screamed at the top of my voice. "Help me! Mom!! Please help me!! Bro!!" my screams echoed throughout the house and past a few blocks out side. Unknowingly, I held my hands up and slapped at the area of my neck. The "devilish" creature made its escape under the bed, never to be seen again. My mother rushed in with a soup ladle in hand, panic written all over her face. I threw myself into her arms crying, "Cockroach...cockroach...sob,sob". The attack that happened that night scarred me for life. Later in my teenage years, I found out that the cockroaches not only gave me a problem but also, the cockroaches became a weakness. The observant eyes would surely notice me cringe at the sight of a cockroach. The things that I would do, just to avoid having my sight set on a cockroach.
What surprises me is the creatures' boldness and daring. The cockroaches appear that they have no fear of death. The cockroaches are courageous and unbeatable. The cockroaches' smooth and lightweight body makes the cockroach able to slip easily under the tiniest, slimmest crack or breach in a dike stealth, until the cockroach appear and attack. I emphasize on the word "attack" here due to this reason. Try attacking a cockroach by thumping your feet on the ground. Yelling at the cockroach would not help. The cockroach is deaf. The cockroach senses movement by detecting air currents by the little hairs across the cockroaches' body. Instead of running away normally like cats, dogs or even crows, the cockroach charges straight at you instead!
The cockroaches attacks us humans, going straight for us. Unafraid of our size and bulk, regardless the possibility of getting squashed under our gargantuan feet.
An unforgettable traumatic incident happened again a year ago in November. I was on a holiday in Kuantan with my family. The hotel in which we reside in has an excellent sea view and the sound of the crashing waves that night lulled me to sleep. In the wee hours of the morning, I was awaken from my sleep by the ticking of the clock on the wall. I was on the upper bunker of the double bunk beds in the room, my younger brother on the bottom. I saw that my younger brother was still wide awake, playing with his Sony PlayStation Portable [PSP]. Out of the blue, three cockroaches with size of three and a half inch, appeared from under the balcony mat below. In an instance, my brother climbed/jumped to my upper bunker,shaken but with his sense of mind intact. I was numbed with fear. Together we sat there, hostages in our own room. Our eyes were set on the three little "devils" which finally leaves the hotel room through the tiny opening located under the balcony.
Thus, the fear of cockroaches remains as one of my most darkest secret.
Regardless of any amount of counseling, nothing could help me in my current state. Probably my childhood and the insensitive teasing and taunting from my "cruel" uncles and aunts by the sight of a dead or worse...a live cockroach held by the feelers in between their thumb and index fingers, made my irrational fear of cockroaches permanent.
It is a childhood phobia.
A phobia that has grown together with me....inside of me..... Sadly, this is quite a suffering,unfavorable thing for me. This will always be my greatest fear. The fear of cockroaches will forever remain as one of my most darkest secret in life.
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