The Day I Nearly Got Into A Fight With Ralph the Squirrel.

Created Saturday, April 30, 2011

I was 18 years old when it occurred . Now that I am older, the memories still bug me, and punish my mind in my sleep.

Sometimes my wife wipes my forehead because of cold sweats when I think about a stinker squirrel that tried to humiliate me one gorgeous morning.

I had woke up early as usual to lift weights. I use to bench press two hundred pounds of solid iron to keep my six pack abs looking phenomenal .

My wife wanted a strong man to love her up on Saturdays so I had to work extra hard to stay in shape in order to satisfy her sweet ways, six mornings a week, pressing steel, climbing ropes, practicing volleyball, and by cooking her breakfast. Every morning I cooked my wife pancakes. For lunch I made her a cucumber salad .

It was on a Tuesday morning while I was lifting weights when I saw that weird squirrel. He started making fun of me, laughing , pointing , and cracking up, around another squirrel. I heard him tell the other squirrel that I was a no good punk .

It shocked me. There I was minding my own affairs when that runt of a squirrel had the audacity to get rude with me.

I walked over to the window , and said, " You're the punk, not me ."

The squirrel responded by saying, " Don't fool with me goody two shoes."

His buddy was leaving. He jumped into a pick up truck , burned rubber , and left. He said he was not going to get involved.

The sassy squirrel also said, " You want to rock, and role. I will be more than happy to kick you're butt ."

I said, " You're just a squirt . Go ,and find, and acorn, and take a European vacation with it ."

He said, " Step outside."

I did exactly that. I stepped outside.

When I walked outside the squirrel was dribbling a basketball . The squirrel was wearing Bermuda shorts, and then stopped fooling with his basketball to bench press a ten pound bag of potatoes .

The squirrel said, " meet my girl Jo Jo. She is going to watch me go round, and round with you, to stomp you're behind ."

I said, " what is you're beef with me squirrel ? "

I also said, " what did I ever do to you squirrel ? "

The squirrel said, " you big coward, you a quack quack, you a yellow belly , you got a streak like a yellow ribbon running down you're back punk ."

I said, " I want step on squirrels, so go jump in a lake."

When I said that, the squirrel slipped on his running shoes, kissed his girl Jo Jo by by, and ran as fast as he could , for the lake, and dived right in.

Unfortunately the squirrel got a leg cramp from eating a ham sandwich , and could not swim, so I jumped into the lake, and grabbed hold of him , and brought him up from the bottom of the lake so he could breathe. He took in some air, and began coughing . I swam to shore with him in my arms , and placed him on the beach, and then pressed on his chest until water shot out of his mouth. He lived.

He was grateful, but would not tell me why he was mad at me.

We became the best of friends. I became the best man at his wedding . He told me which were the best stocks to invest in, and I made a lot of money .

When I had a stroke, he sat by my bed side, and cried what seemed like , and hour.

To this day I have flashbacks about the foolishness he started between us when he wanted to fight me, and then became my best friend.

Then one day, when he was old, and gray , he told me something I will never forget.

He told me that he was angry at me because his car broke down one afternoon , and he was trying to thumb a ride home, He asked his girl friend Jo Jo to pull up her skirt to show off her pretty legs, but I drove by, and never stopped to help them.

What I did not realize was that I had insulted the squirrel horribly . He said he was determined to beat my brains out.

Psychologically that bothered Ralph so he picked on me while I was fixing my young adorable wife some pancakes back in the sixties.

For fifty years I though about Ralph the squirrel , and my wife wondered what troubled me.

Today Ralph and I create magnificent music together for film directors .






Comments 13 comments

Poohgranma profile image

Poohgranma 5 years ago from On the edge

I honestly believe animals can "talk" to us if we know how to listen ... maybe not to this degree ... but you know what I mean. You had me going for a little while there. You're turning into a really good story teller!


stars439 profile image

stars439 5 years ago from Louisiana, The Magnolia and Pelican State. Author

Dear Phoenix : Thank you precious heart. It was and impulse write. Maybe a little quick. Thank you for reading my little stuff. God Bless You. Wishing you a nice Sunday with your loved ones.


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 5 years ago from North America

This was a really good one - hilarious!


stars439 profile image

stars439 5 years ago from Louisiana, The Magnolia and Pelican State. Author

Dear Patty : Thank you very much for stopping by, and I am glad you liked the hub. I am very glad. God Bless You Precious heart.


dallaswriter profile image

dallaswriter 5 years ago from North Carolina

what a funny read! I love this. Put a smile on my face this morning as I have not had coffee yet and have not decided if it is a good day or a bad one:) LOL!!!! Very good. Voted funny, awesome and up! Thanks for sharing...


stars439 profile image

stars439 5 years ago from Louisiana, The Magnolia and Pelican State. Author

Dear dallaswriter : It is a good day, and wishing you a nice Sunday with your loved ones. God Bless You , and thank you for your kind thoughts.


mdlawyer profile image

mdlawyer 5 years ago

Hi stars. Very enjoyable read. Thanks for the share. Voted UP, BEAUTIFUL.


dallaswriter profile image

dallaswriter 5 years ago from North Carolina

Oh, you are so welcome and thank you bunches in return:)


stars439 profile image

stars439 5 years ago from Louisiana, The Magnolia and Pelican State. Author

Dear mdlawyer : Thank you for reading the story. I am glad you enjoyed it. Wishing you much pleasure, and productivity in your work. God Bless You.


Hello, hello, profile image

Hello, hello, 5 years ago from London, UK

A lovely, cute story. Thank you for the joy of reading and laughing.


stars439 profile image

stars439 5 years ago from Louisiana, The Magnolia and Pelican State. Author

Dear Hello hello : Good morning precious heart, and Happy Mothers Day dear heart. Thank you for visiting, and for enjoying the little story. GBY.


bluebird profile image

bluebird 16 months ago

Thanks for the fun, this really was a lot of fun, and how you come up with all this is amazing, you've got quite the imagination and ways of telling it but sometimes not like it is, only like it isn't -- as the case is here!

Thanks a lot! Don't ever quit writing, we wouldn't have anything on Hubpages to laugh about.

p.s. I voted up to all but one (beautiful) and sharing it on Twitter.


stars439 profile image

stars439 16 months ago from Louisiana, The Magnolia and Pelican State. Author

Dear bluebird : Thank you for you're kind thoughts, and God Bless You.

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