A Fun Fart Guide

Oh God, What Is That Smell!?!!?!

This was one of my favorite fart guides. I published this originally on Epinions, and AC soon after, it is 100% my content.. People who have read this one have always found it to be fun, so I decided to share it with my friends on HubPages. Enjoy....

 

Okay so today I felt like talking about the funniest subject in the world. (At least according to my immature standards) FARTS! I mean come on, even in my 80's I'm still going to chuckle at the little green gas. Even the word makes me giggle. It's probably the only joke a person can do, that never grows old; or boring.

So here are my terms. Feel free to add some in my comments section. As I'm sure this list will grow.

Drive By-This is a form of gas so foggy, smelly, and nasty that even you, the creator, can't bare the stench of it. Usually these types of farts occur in a shopping center. Your only hope is to quickly run by as many people you can and get out of there, so no eyes look upon you as the person who let loose. You manage to get away from the fart... but oh gee, looks like it followed you. Time to make your way to the next isle- this is where you hear other shoppers going 'phhhew, what's that awful smell'-'mommy my eyes hurt'. -There's no escaping this fart. It's almost as if it's attached itself to your pants.

Squeegies-You're on a first date. You're stomach is tied in knots, and there's been this bubble of gas stuck in between your butt checks for almost 2 minutes. The gas bubble is getting stronger, it has friends backing it up as well, they are just begging to push the first held in fart through the ass canal. Before you know it, out pops a firecracker of a fart followed by waves of other farts that forced the first one out. That's what you get for trying to hold it in.

Run doos-These little fellars make themselves present while you're running. Usually with each step you place your foot on the ground, another one plops out. -Better hope no one is behind you.

Gone with the wind- These are probably one of my favorites. They occur on windy days. They're most fun when you're in a city with mobs of people behind you. You yourself don't get the benefits of smelling your good deeds, but everyone 15 feet behind you does. The wind up and swooped that one right into their noses. You smile, and continue walking.

Bat outta Hells-These farts occur out of nowhere. Even you're shocked. You didn't even get a moment to preform the squeegie. This fart is usually loud and forceful. Everyone around you knows you did it, and there's no denying it. You can either go with the respectful 'excuse me', or laugh. I usually go with the second.

Gigglegoos- Someone says something funny- naturally you laugh. But would you listen to that. Your bung thought it was funny too.

pfft pfft pppppfffff-

Road Traps- these bad boys occur in the car. Usually 24 hours after eating taco bell. They also tend to pop up when someone else is in the car with you. These farts probably benefit you the most, because you can easily roll up the windows and let everyone else enjoy the fragrances.

Sonic Booms- These come like a bat outta hell, as well. Only people can hear them in the next room when you let one of these bad boys rip. These types of farts can be dangerous. Usually after you pass a Sonic Boom, you say- I think I just ripped me a new asshole. Sonic Booms can also be semi painful.

PoppsieDaisy-These farts are usually warm. Perhaps too warm. They wheeze out with some rumbling noises. These farts usually stink bad. After expelling a Poopsie daisy it would be a good idea to go to the bathroom. Otherwise you may shart.

Shart-Farts followed by shit, sometimes result in accidents in your pants. Very, very embarrassing.

IncrediFart- This is a fart that usually happens in the morning, while your lying in bed alone. No one is everaround to hear it, which angers you later on. Who is going to believe that your fart lasted almost 2 minutes long? It's like a treasure that your body only will share with you. Amazing phenomenon IncrediFarts can be!

Lightweights- These farts are somewhat incredible. After passing a lightweight, you yourself feel as if you lost a few pounds. Your pants fit better, and you just feel better. I think you can also call this fart a Healthy Fart. -The diet fart.

Vanishing fart-These are disappointing. It usually makes no sound at all. So automatically you think it's going to stink. -Your friend is sitting right next to you. -You keep on a straight face, and try not to laugh because you want them to get stuck smellin' it. But a few seconds go by, you burst out laughing. Your friend looks at you like you're a moron. You think- oh any minute now, it'll be crawling right up their nose, all in their face.... only it never does. The fart vanished, and no traces were left behind. Dang*- aka 'the clean fart'

Stale Fart-These occur at night. Under the covers. You're too lazy too wiff the blankets around, to let the smelly thing out from under the covers. An hour goes by, and you notice the fart is escaping from the covers. Only its got this rotten old smell to it. That's a stale fart.

Uninvited Farts-This fart is probably the most annoying. The only one you don't want to occur. They happen to pop out and say hello during extremely important events, such as business meetings, weddings and funerals. You even took gas-X a few hours before to stop such an occurrence. Only this fart is filled with vengeance. It's loud, its foul, and it's usually always done in front of some stuck up yuppie with something to say about it.

SumthinMustBeWrong- The something must be wrong farts pop out about every 15 minutes. But they don't stop. They keep on coming, and coming, all day long! With each one that you pass the smell is worse than the last.

By the time noon occurs they're so hot and steamy that you 'know' something is wrong. You're amazed that you haven't sharted yet.

By the time bedtime arrives, you're so sick of yourself that you feel like punching your stomach, and telling the farts to stop! They're now smelling so bad that they are waking you up in your sleep. Your partner has already decided to go sleep in the living room because of your stench. If these farts still occur in the morning, you start thinking that you need to get your colon cleaned.

Breakfast Break- Breakfast break farts are pretty funny. They tend to smell exactly like your breakfast, that you ate an hour ago. Bacon and eggs. -

These are great when you pass them in a small office, and someone walks in and says 'mmm was someone just eating bacon and eggs in here?- God I'm so hungry now!'----Yeah he wants tah eat my fart for breakfast! Yes! You get much satisfaction from these farts, especially if it happens to be your boss, wanting to munch down on your fart.

VocalPoofs-Vocal poofs are fun farts. They come out almost singing. They're probably the ones that will grab the most laughs in a crowded room. They go from a low note, to a high note, then back down; followed by a small chorus of wheezing. What a hoot!

Echoing Wails-These little buggers are probably the most embarrassing. They tend to only occur when you have to use one of them public bathrooms. Usually the bathroom is filled with people. You try to be silent. You even wait for most of them to leave before doing your doo.

But doodies got some buddies. Doesn't he always. They're not shy either. They come spraying out in bucket loads. The farts though aren't that loud. But the echo sure is.

Before you know it, you've got some little punk kid laughing his rear end off in the next stall over. Stupid kid though, went and passed himself a few gigglegoos. Take that! You wait till you hear no one else in the bathroom. Its now safe to show your face. So you thought. Usually there's someone still washing their hands. They don't dare make eye contact with you. You pig, you!

DangerBop-this fart comes from someone else. Usually a co worker, or a student sitting next to you in class. You know them, but your not sure if you should laugh at them, or just pretend you didn't hear it. Each choice has either a positive or negative outcome. You're not sure which though.

Powdered Fart-These gases come from extreme girly girls. The weak farts. A girl rushes by you, and suddenly you smell a mixture of fart with baby powder. They're probably worse than the poopsiedaisys, because 25 year old women shouldn't be powdering their bums. They also smell extremely un-natural. Aka Sissy fart.

CupNShare-These types of rarities only happen when your feeling extremely thoughtful. You feel a fart about to push its way out into the world. But you want to hold on to it for just a little longer. You cup your hands around your bum, and catch the little newborn. The next ritual you perform quickly is the

ScoopNSwoop.- Yup- now quickly before the fart gets away, you swoop it on over to someone standing nearby. How thoughtful of you to share.

I'm sure there are tons more. But here is just a little list I compiled, and felt like sharing. ;) Pffffftttt.

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Comments 6 comments

Ashley Tyler profile image

Ashley Tyler 7 years ago from Oklahoma

Oh my! I never knew there could be so many...lol This is funny though.


Adam B 7 years ago

I consider myself a fart enthusiast and always find humor in a good gasser. My best friend and I would always play this game where we would eat lots of gassy goods that would give us horrendous gas and try to let them go near each other without the other noticing. The obviously have to be silent but deadly. We did this for years until we decided to branch out and hit unsuspecting strangers with our farts. 100% always hilarious!

On a different note, the other night in bed I generated a bomb of epic proportions. My wife was sleeping and I was just about to fall asleep when I felt the tension building in my ass. When you take pride in your gas and fully embrace the experience as I do, you know when they will be silent, loud, sweet smelling or toxic. This particular one felt like it was of the loud variety. I knew it was going to be a high decibel bomb and decided it would be best to share this with my sleeping lover.

I geared up, waited for it to build and pushed it out with full force. This fart was LOUD! My wife was startled and jumped up as if a plane had crashed into our roof and immediately started bitching for waking her up. She called me disgusting, rude and obnoxious, but I barely heard what she was saying because my laughter was drowning her voice out.

Usually the loud ones don't really smell, but the icing on this cake was it was fucking brutal. This gasser was one of my top ten worst smelling shit cries of all time. I can only describe it as if someone ate a lot of spicy food, had diarrhea and shit into a paper bag. Then you took that paper bag and lit it on fire. That is what consumed the room. My wife was spraying oust and I was in tears from not only the smell, but the uncontrollable laughter.


MellasViews profile image

MellasViews 7 years ago from Earth Author

OMG... That is fuckin hilarious... I was dying... I had to hold in my laughter because Im in a room with others... but I amhaving a hard time holding my laughter in. lol.... this is too funny...... lol.....


mstokes2 7 years ago

hahaha.. good article!


Nikalina profile image

Nikalina 7 years ago from Tampa

So funny....I deff am glad I read that. I learned some new phrases concerning farting that I will absolutely use!


jgshorebird profile image

jgshorebird 11 months ago from Earth

Great Hub. Thanks for sharing your definitions! What a gas!

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