Bachelor Jason ep 2

 

Don't worry, Jason, we don't get vision boards either. Thanks for sending that crazy bat home so we don't have to hear about them every week. However, I hope the recaps for the rest of the season are like 1/100th the length of the one at the beginning of this episode.

I was pretty shocked to discover that not all of the girls are dumb-like the ones who didn't bother to unpack. Smart move.

Why were they all just lounging by the pool half naked if they didn't know Jason was coming by? Nikki was horrified that he might see "some of them" without their makeup on and with their hair in a pony tail. Meanwhile, she had her all coifed and had plenty of whore paint on.

I don't get why Jason likes Megan. Of course he had to say that he would have given her a rose the week before, whether that was true or not. That's just what nice guys do.

Where did Blonde Natalie (who described Jason taking his shirt off in slow motion) come from? At first, I didn't even recognize her, and then I vaguely remembered some fair-haired chick from Chicago with a raging tan. She might want to grow a personality so she'll be remembered for something other than her hours spent in a bed of concentrated UV rays.

Jillian's accent gets on my nerves, a bit. Sneaky Canadians, always infiltrating the U.S. and trying to steal our men!

Shannon really irks me. Touching Jason is a gift? I have a feeling that's not the word she was looking for. That accompanies my suspicion that she doesn't have a very large vocabulary. I really hope she (and all the other girls in the house too) stops bringing up how much she wants to be a mother in every conversation. If you didn't like kids, you probably would have waited to audition until the next season of The Bachelor when it's not featuring a single dad.

Melissa looks like Mandy Moore more and more to me. That was a lot of mores in that sentence!

Lauren smiles all the time. Like, her face should really hurt.

Bathing suit time is the time to attempt to count how many of these ladies have fake boobies. The answer is a lot.

How hammered were all those girls in the middle of the day by the pool? Following one of the girls calling Shannon, Shanay-nay, there was a shot of the bar. Nice work.

That was pretty awkward when Stephanie just stood there with drinks. She was only half aggressive which makes me think she's too mature for this process. Let the claws out even just a little and you will make it far, my friend.

Natalie was going in for the mouth kiss and caught the cheek. Ha! It's all because she's blonde. If she just went out and bought a $5 box of dye, maybe she could get some action.

I like how Jason stood like he was at a rose ceremony when he gave out the rose at the pool party. Was there a mark on the ground to cue him? I bet Chris Harrison was standing off camera directing him like an air traffic controller.

Blech, Lauren did pageants too. She just lost points.

Natalie definitely has real boobs. Too bad she cries all the freaking time like a child. Someone check her ID and make sure she's old enough to be there.

What in the hell was that rant Lauren went on and on about her hair? She'd pass up a date with Jason if she didn't have time to bust out the flat iron? Can you say high maintenance?

It seems strange that I've never heard of the world famous Disney Hall. I've been caught-I'm uncultured. Of course there were chocolate covered strawberries on the first fantasy date. Why are those sexy anyway? They get so messy! Not to mention the little problem of seeds in the teeth (hello, ever seen Pretty Woman?).

I think personal concerts are so awkward! Who chose Robin Thicke? Was Michael Bolton not available? Just wondering. It got really uncomfortable when Robin got up really started performing. I'm curious how many songs he sang and if the crew jammed out a bit too so it wasn't just a two-person dance party. I don't think Jillian a very good dancer.

Good lord, Melissa was in a relationship from 15-22? At least there have been a few years since that break up. I like that she said she was given the opportunity to "woo" him. She had some good answers about her ambitions. I like her. When he went in to kiss her, he went left. That might be creepy, but it's something I notice.

I appreciate that Jason doesn't try to play off that he plans any of these dates, unlike DeAnna who just took all the credit.

Jason, sweetheart, blimps don't go to the moon. Also, you two are not the only people to see LA from that angle. Seriously, there are like a million helicopters flying over this joint everyday filming the landscape. That was a nice thought, though.

All of these girls think that he is going to treat them to shopping sprees when he's just their regular boyfriend? They sounded like a buncha gold diggers.

Sharon is a geek.

Erica's last boyfriend cheated on her with a 52-year old? How old was that guy?

I don't think Jason should dance in public. It was cute, but confusing.

Molly pulled the "my secret talent is kissing". That's like the least smooth line I've ever heard. Jason fell for it, so cheesy is the way to his heart. Mystery solved. He went to the right when he kissed her.

Nikki has only kissed one dude and was in a relationship for 11 years? What's up with these long relationship girls? Like it's good to have had a long/serious relationship by the time you're 25, but that's just ridiculous.

Were those girls snuggling under a mink on the couch? Are they hanging out at the Playboy Mansion?

Naomi reminds me of Eva Mendes. Jason went back to the left when he kissed her. It looked like he rejected her with his body language before she actually asked for the kiss. Why on earth did she cry? These girls need to chill out with the tears.

Brazilians are sneaky bitches, aren't they? He looked petrified when opened the car door, like he had opened his trashcan to find a raccoon on the inside. He then looked around like she was either about to kill him or they were going to get caught by the principal. Not a good sign. What the crap was Raquel babbling about if she dies her hypothetical husband would be so in love with her, he'd be too distraught to ever remarry? Who thinks like that? I'm gonna give her a pass and say it's a language barrier.

Shannon is a freak. He's smiling all cutesy like? Was she drunk? Jason, for your viewers' sakes, please focus on how she makes you uncomfortable, not on how flattering her obsession is. While we're at it, her dress was hideous.

Stephanie told the story about her husband like a real Southern woman by giving a word-by-word description of the conversations that day. Yes, ma'am. Her dress looked like a prom dress from 1987 without the crinoline underneath.

What a house of sadness! It went from Stephanie's heartbreaking story to Lisa having to leave for her grandmother. I think she kinda knew she didn't have a chance anyway.

There are always those girls who get a rose, ahem Molly, who turn around and have to interrupt other people. Megan is not someone I would have done that to. She's likely to stab you in your sleep. The funniest part of that fight was when they had to blur out Erica's boob because she fell out of her dress. No one even told her!

Let's take a timeout for a little Jason translation. He said "You've got amazing qualities and they're obvious" to Nikki. He was really saying "Nice rack. Thanks for showing them off again."

Natalie needs to stay out of the sun for the rest of the season. In fact, she should avoid any high wattage light bulbs for the next 50 years of her life. I'm concerned for her health.

Lauren is stunning in "almost" every single way. Except the part of her personality that makes her a high-maintenance attention whore. Plus, her dress was really ugly at the rose ceremony too.

It's a little early for him to say that he's falling for more than one of the girls.

Megan got the first rose? Horse crap. He spent the first three roses on girls who need the most reassurance. That'll get exhausting really quickly. Why on earth did he keep Shannon? Actually, during this ceremony I realized what a crappy selection he has to choose from, so I guess I can't blame him. Jason totally felt Erica's boob, not her heartbeat, in that dress.

Poor Sharon doesn't have a job and ended up crying on TV. That's a pretty miserable Monday night!

Girls to Watch:

Melissa

Jillian

Lauren

Need to go home:

Nikki

Megan

Shannon

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Comments 2 comments

Dana 7 years ago

How many more weeks do you think Stephanie stay on and gets sympathy rose? Don't you think the producers stage this a little - making him keep girls for drama like Megan and Erica? I am sure there is only chemistry with a few of the girls maybe 2 or 3.


Theresa 7 years ago

Another good review..surprised you didn't say the reason lauren is high maintance is that she is a Jersey Girl! Look at Caroline!

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