Bad Cook Recipes: Judaeo-Christian Omelettes You Can Really Eat

The humble egg...

Don't let it scare you...

"I'm frightened of eggs, worse than frightened, they revolt me. That white round thing without any holes have you ever seen anything more revolting than an egg yolk breaking and spilling its yellow liquid? Blood is jolly, red. But egg yolk is yellow, revolting. I've never tasted it."

- Alfred Hitchcock

Must be broken...

Just don't ask the Lithuanians to peel it...

"Offer the lazy an egg, and they'll want you to peel it for them"

-Lithuanian Proverb

For the omelette to be created...

Wise words to remember...

"A round egg can be made square according to how you cut it; words would be harsh according to how you speak them"

- Japanese Proverb

Lo! Thou has come unto this page because thou seekest the hidden knowledge associated with the making of the omelette. Make thyself comfortable seeker, for in due course, all shall be revealed unto thee.

First, in preparation for making the omelette, thou must come to terms with the breaking of the eggs, for it is easier for a rich man to pass through the eye of a needle than for an omelette to be made from unbroken eggs.

If thou hast comprehended what has been said, thou mayest continue unto the creation of the omelette, following precisely the omelette commandments.

1. Thou shalt breaketh the eggs. (Roughly two per person who seeks to consume the flesh of the omelette.)

2. Thou shalt put the broken eggs unto a vessel. If thou is concerned about thy health, one can separate the yolks from the whites, and create the omelette from the whites only. If one chooses this path, one will surely need more eggs, and one should save the yolks for baking later. Wasteth not, wanteth not.

3 Thou shalt add unto the vessel the juice of a cow's mammaries (milk).

4 Thou shalt add salt and pepper. As the bible sayest ": "Can that which is unsavory be eaten without salt? or is there any taste in the white of an egg? Job 6:6"

5. Thou shalt shaketh or stirreth the mixture about. The method is left to thy discretion, though one hears that it is generally regarded as being more classy to have ones omelettes shaken, not stirred. Thou shalt not hokey pokey.

6 Thou shalt heateth the pan until the surface becomes equal to the temperatures of the deepest inferno. (Yet still not too hot, for if it be to hot, then the egg will burn, and amidst great wailing and gnashing of teeth shall the omelette be discarded as worthless refuse.)

7 Thou shalt add the whipped juice of a cow's mammaries unto the pan. (Butter)

8 Thou shalt now be faced with the tricky part. Thou must let the omelette cook until it is almost cooked all the way through to the top. When it has attained this level of cookedness, and one sees the dryness upon the edges of the omelette, thou mayest add grated cheese, and then flip half the omelette onto the other half.

9 Thou shalt slide the omelette from the pan, and thou ist done.

10 Thou shalt give thanks and consume.

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Comments 3 comments

Kathryn Vercillo profile image

Kathryn Vercillo 8 years ago from San Francisco

What a creative article! Love it!


robie2 profile image

robie2 8 years ago from Central New Jersey

Thou art a really clever writer. Let us all give thanks:-) Lovely hub!


Hope Alexander profile image

Hope Alexander 8 years ago Author

Thank you for your kind words, blessed be and praise unto you!

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