Bitchy Queens Are A Lot Like Ice Cream…
As I was watching my Tivo'd Top Design episode from this past week ("Light It Up") I was getting angrier and angrier as I watched the bitchy queens on the show. There are three (you'll excuse the expression) male designers left. All gay, gay, gayer than gay but as if that wasn't enough, instead of Kelly Wearstler (who is normally so out there she seems more like she's going to Studio 54 in the 70's completely coked out with her crazy looks that change from week to week. I can see her hanging on the infamous moon with the coke spoon sculpture without any difficulty.) So instead of Crazy Kelly, this week it was gay, gay, gayer than gay designer, potter, gay judge's husband, Barney's Creative Director, Simon Doonan as the guest judge. Just how many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb? Seven - 1 to sigh and roll his eyes, 3 to clutch their imaginary pearls at the thought of having to do manual labor, 1 to say the word "Screw" with so much "S" sound that the others think a snake is about to bite them so they all scream like little girls and forget all about the light bulb all together. And suddenly it hit me, I scream, you scream but bitchy queens are a lot like ice cream... - Don't Get Me Started!
The reason that bitchy queens are a lot like ice cream is because in small doses it's delicious but get too much of it and all you end up with is way too much phlegm (an annoying drip down the back of your throat that makes you want to gag). In the case of the television show Top Design out of the three remaining male designers, two are so gooey that I could easily throw up. You have Nathan who has that locked jaw way of talking usually only reserved for community theatre actresses playing the role of "Gloria Upson" in a bad production of Auntie Mame. Then you have Eddie who works for Martha Stewart and works my last nerve as every third word out of his mouth is "Martha" and this week it was Martha overload when he rolled his eyes and was explaining how important he was because he had flown in Martha's plane. Pardon me while I roll my own eyes. Nathan and Eddie go out of their way to fawn all over one another but do whatever it takes to exclude Preston, the third gay wheel (to them) and the only gay worth his bulging biceps in designing in this gay's book. Preston is tall, attractive and as if that wasn't enough to not like him for the other two gays, Preston's designs are quiet and at the same time winning. And here's where I'm going to let you in a on a little secret that gays don't want you to know, bitchy queens are so jealous of pretty people that they will do everything in their power to destroy the pretty even if it means getting uglier and uglier. (Thus the reason so many bitchy queens at one time or another have gone as Snow White's evil Stepmother on Halloween)
So along with all the bitchiness that was going on with the queenie boys when the judges came out and we discover the two men who if I'm not mistaken are in the Wikipedia for what the gayest Manhattan couple of the universe look like (not really but if someone wanted to create that entry I'm sure no one would mind), Jonathan Adler and his husband, Simon Doonan. Watching the two of them I can't help but think that they are so gay that they've become boring. Another thing the gays don't want you to know, when the gays get so impressed with themselves doing their best, "Dear, can you believe she wore that blouse with those earrings? She'll never be invited anywhere again) they become less and less interesting. The more "over it" they become the more "over them" everyone else is but as with any society, when the queens rise to such a social standing as these two, no one wants to tell them how boring they are to be around. No small boy stands watching saying, "The Emperor (or in this case the Queens) have no clothes (or in this case, sense enough to wear socks with their dress pants and dress shoes...are you listening Mrs. Jonathan Doonan-Adler?)
Don't get me wrong, I like a good ol' gay stereotype as much as the next gay. I could watch Paul Lynde in a center square or shaking his head at Samantha Stephens from Bewitched any day. But what the queens of today seem to have forgotten is that this stereotype is best reserved for guest starring roles and not the lead. I mean, put a drink in my hand (and back in the day a Benson and Hedges Menthol Deluxe Ultra-Lights cigarette) and I would queen it up enough to be the life of the party. The difference is that I wasn't a one note gay I had more versions of myself than just bitchy queen. And let's face it no one ever really wants to go home with the bitchy queen. Oh sure, they love him flouncing about at the party and being vicious but no one wants to wake up next to it or worse still, admit they took it home in the first place.
So for my money, there definitely is a place and time for everything and bitchy queens are no exception. I guess I just prefer my bitchy queens in small doses, you know...like ice cream.
Read More Scott @ www.somelikeitscott.com
More by this Author
I know this will shock many of you (as it has shocked me) that for years (yes, years) I have not received an International Male catalog. I almost thought they must be out of business. For those six people who are...