C'mon Lowe's...there's still 89 shopping days until Christmas. Put the fake trees away and nobody gets hurt...

 

As of yesterday, you have 89 shopping days until Christmas...and you better get started now. At least that's the message I received when my husband and I walked into Lowe's yesterday. Instead of the usual display of barbecues, rakes and leaf blowers, we were confronted with a frightening quantity and selection of Christmas trees, Christmas tree ornaments, Christmas lawn ornaments and useless Christmas decorations to clutter up the interior of our home. There were fat trees, tall trees, skinny trees, white trees, pre-lit trees and my personal favorite...the table top tree.

In confusion, perhaps fearing the onset of Alzheimer's, the love of my life turned to me and said, "It is September...right?" I could only nod mutely. At least...I was pretty sure that I'd been celebrating the beginning of fall less than a week earlier. Sometimes I do get busy and I'm the first to admit that occasionally time does get away from me...especially here in Arizona where the days are usually a blur of monotonous perfection.

I understand that the economy is questionable and perhaps the retail community is already fretting over potential dismal sales this holiday season. But there has to be a better solution than starting earlier and earlier each year. No wonder by the time the actual holiday arrives, I'm already sick of it.

I'm sorry Lowe's...but somebody has to take a stand...and I'm calling you out on this one. Obviously, your upper management has lost all ability to be rational, so allow me to inject some reality into your world. Ready?

 

It is September...the end of the ninth month of the year. It is therefore permissible to display Halloween bric-a-brac. I know, I know...you are a home improvement store and therefore unable to capitalize on the costume and candy market. Sucks to be you. It's not your turn...so be nice and wait. My budget only allows for one holiday at a time and in approximately thirty days or so a nasty little horde of midgets will be descending upon my home demanding candy. If you have an inexpensive candy alternative, I'll consider it....but I strongly suspect that if I gave out gardening gloves and paper respiratory masks, my house would be toilet papered in nothing flat.

Next month is October and should you wish to participate in the Thanksgiving season, you will have my blessing. I'm sure that there's a market for giant inflatable turkey yard ornaments and that my neighbor would probably buy one. He seems to enjoy lowering the standards of our fine neighborhood with his ostentatious holiday displays as often as possible. If not that, I find it hard to believe that you can't make a stunning profit on deep fryers and fire extinguishers for the man that insists on testing the limits of his home insurance policy. I saw a few of these shiny silver vessels while I was there last night, tucked BEHIND the Christmas trees. You may want to have a talk with whoever is setting up your displays. Since Thanksgiving comes BEFORE Christmas, items for the aforementioned holiday should be set in FRONT of your Christmas crap.

I'm armed and I know how to use this...

Although I would prefer to wait until the day after Thanksgiving to kick off the Christmas season, I will graciously bite my tongue should you choose to begin shamelessly promoting your merchandise on November 1st. I still won't be thinking Christmas trees, but perhaps a more pro-active shopper less prone to procrastination than I am might be. However, I must draw the line at Christmas music. I was grateful to note that the current display came without the mood-altering music that usually accompanies these holiday promotions, and I simply must insist that you keep it that way until November 28th, the day after Thanksgiving. I love the song "White Christmas" as much as the next person...but after twenty six days, I feel pretty confident in telling you that I will probably snap and it won't be pretty. You really don't want me snapping anywhere near power tools...need I explain further?

Now, your fine sales team is probably wondering, what is the harm in advertising a little early? I can't speak for the rest of the country, but doing so here in Arizona is not only ridiculous, it's irresponsibly dangerous. You don't see it? Fine...allow me to walk you through it. Let me know if I go too fast or make a leap of logic that is beyond your ability.

Sort of what my neighbor's yard looks like...

Being September, should you actually manage to somehow complete a sale of your Christmas trees and associated décor, I doubt very much anyone is racing home to display it in their homes or yards. Have you ever dealt with a homeowner's association? Remember that neighbor I told you about? Well he's an esteemed member of these yard nazis. Each holiday he spends several days attempting to dazzle the community with his creations. Halloween is one of his personal favorites...witches, vampires, ghouls loitering about in a spooky graveyard, complete with creepy music and a fog machine that rolls a damp cloud of moisture all the way to our house on the other side of the cul de sac. While I'm sorely tempted to put Frosty the Snowman and several elves on my lawn just so I can watch him pitch a fit, I can guarantee you that the next day I'd find a big, fat envelope in my mailbox courtesy of the H.O.A. with a remove or else ultimatum.

So of course, I have no choice but to store your seasonal crap until, at the very least, November. Okay, now stay with me on this one. Where do people in Arizona store the crap they don't need at the moment? That's right...the attic. In some parts of the country, September means warm days and chilly nights...which of course brings to mind things like flannel shirts, colorful foliage and perhaps the first cheerful blaze in the fireplace to chase away that late night chill. Here in Arizona, eighty-eight degrees in the morning can seem downright chilly in comparison to the recent three digit temperatures we've grown accustomed to, but the fact remains my attic is still a rather hellish 300 degrees or so.

I wouldn't leave a child or pet in the car while I shopped at your store...and I certainly wouldn't send anyone up into my attic this time of year. It would simply be criminal. I can't even bribe the exterminator or the HVAC repairman to go up there, what makes you think my own husband would willingly risk his life venturing into this hot zone?

Now...if you put up a sign by your lovely Christmas display advertising free delivery to my attic, I might be willing to consider purchasing that rather charming inflatable Santa Claus in a helicopter yard ornament you had on the top shelf. Or perhaps the one of Santa and his friends driving an inflatable pirate ship (the little red cardinal that peeks out occasionally above the side cannon is a nice touch, by the way) would work nicely. I'm pretty sure my neighbor has neither of those yet and it would piss him off to no end if I had them in my yard first.

Look...I don't really think I'm being unreasonable here. Can I please...PLEASE...have another month or two before having Christmas and all its commercialism crammed down my throat? If it's simply too much to ask for...let me know. I'll be right across the street at Home Depot.

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Comments 24 comments

talfonso profile image

talfonso 6 years ago from Tampa Bay, FL

All I can say is: blame the bullpoop on the Christmas creep. I wrote a Hub about that time of year when retailers like Lowes sell Christmas crud before Turkey Day to help sales and I know how PO'd you are.


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Sixty - It's World of Warcraft! They came out with a new expansion mid-November and ten more levels to be gained on your character, so it's back to work so that I don't get left behind by my guild-mates (The Dread Milkmen of Norgannon). I'm currently up to level 78 on my Undead warlock named Cuddles.

Horde FTW!! "Strength & Honor!"

(That will only make sense to other WoW addicts)

Starr - Merry Christmas back atcha! I feel okay with saying that now that it's December. I can't even begin to imagine how retail workers must feel having to listen to that all day long, every day...I'm glad you are recovering! :)


starrwriter profile image

starrwriter 7 years ago from Cottage Grove, Wisconsin

As a recovering retail employee, I love this Hub. Nothing is worse than hearing sleigh bells jingling at the supermarket in September. Merry Christmas to all!


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 7 years ago from South Africa

Spryte do tell what is your "other addiction"?


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Hey BT! I'm away feeding my OTHER addiction atm...but I should have some time in the near future to work on other things. :) *hugs* Miss you too varmint!


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 7 years ago from Hell, MI

Spryte! Have you been away, or did I just stop getting your updates? Either way, missed ya!


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Hey Sixty - :) No problem! It's nice to have some undiscovered hubs so there's no need to apologize. It makes me feel a little less guilty having not written anything new for a while! :)

Although it's kind of funny looking back on this hub and realilzing that it's now after Thanksgiving and Christmas is everywhere. I'm just glad you had the chance to read it and comment. :) Thank you!


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 7 years ago from South Africa

Honestly I believe Xmas should begin in December or start at Thanksgiving (in the USA that is). Then at least we dont spend a quarter of the year getting all burned out before Xmas. No wonder lots of people leave their Xmas lights on their houses all year round!

Great hub Spryte. sorry I only got to it now!


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Oh no!! I didn't mean to do that :) It's okay, it'll be our secret ;)


kitcat 7 years ago

You make me wee my pants reading!!!!!!!!


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Hi Kit -

I know...what a sad thing to do to one of my favorite holidays! I love Thanksgiving too. Besides...the day AFTER Thanksgiving is when Christmas shopping season actually starts. Perhaps that is why they're trying to skip over it? Thanks for coming by and commenting!


kit564 profile image

kit564 7 years ago from Northern California

Hi, I like the hub... I agree with you. It's too early to start hyping Christmas. It seems like Halloween has got so big in the last couple of years that stores are forgeting about Thanksgiving and going strait from Halloween to Christmas. I love Thanksgiving and it wil be sad if this tradition gets lost in the rush to Christmas.

Thanks for the great hub.


rowanelayna profile image

rowanelayna 8 years ago from York, PA

Don't get one if you have problems with motion sickness! I think I almost yacked the first year they had it.

It was like a train wreck...couldn't stop looking....


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Oooh, Rowan...I always wanted a revolving Christmas tree!!! I just worried it would be too much like giving the cats a better view of the ornament selection. Can't you just see them now sitting beside the tree thinking, "hmmm...the glittery blue ball or the blown glass snowman...oh, decisions, decisions...which one to destroy next..."

:)


rowanelayna profile image

rowanelayna 8 years ago from York, PA

As always, another wonderful blog. : )

We have a rule at my house (which I hope won't change as my daughter gets older) no Christmas music before Thanksgiving and after New Year's Day. Matt is a Christmas music FREAK...which runs in his family. Last winter, when I worked with his sister, I ended up spending my entire work day with headphones on, listening to loud, angry music to block the freakishly happy holiday tunes.

I hope, now that I'm a parent, I'll be able to find joy in the Christmas season again...but it's so hard when it's constantly crammed down your throat for a couple months. Oh well, I can always find a little bit of joy in making fun of my in-laws rotating tree. : )


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

It is happening here in Guernsey too. I was gobsmacked to walk into our local petrol station the other day and find a huge stack of those Christmas Chocolate Bar Selections, (the ones where you get about 6 bars of different chocolate all in a box covered in Christmassy pictures such as santa's on sleighs etc. Surely the chocolate will be virtually out of date by Christmas!


agvulpes profile image

agvulpes 8 years ago from Australia

Oh great goody goody goody love christmas!!!. We actually put our grandkids presents on lay-by at KMart 2 months ago. Can't wait Can't wait. I'm so excited I'm nearly peeing my paints!!

hey Spryte hears one for you , in my best Bing Crosby impersonation:-

"I'm Dreamin' of a white christmas" "just like the christmas's of old"

Merry Christmas Everybody!!!


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Shade - I didn't even think of those poor employees...how callous of me. It does explain a lot of their behavior as the holiday gets closer and the time spent under the effects of "The Little Drummer Boy" has been far too long. I'll definitely have a lot more sympathy when dealing with them this year. Thank you!

Y'know Christoph...I LOVE Christmas too...I mean, it's my favorite holiday followed distantly by Halloween. I used to love seeing the main street in town lit up with Christmas lights and decorations at night, hearing the distant sound of Christmas music while crunching my way through the snow to do some shopping. it is always amazing to me when I think of those nights...and I know it must have been brutally cold...but instead I come away with only a feeling of warmth about those occasions. It ticks me off to have that stolen from me. Not the lights, not the snow, not the music....but the FEELING of how special Christmas is and the anticipation of it. Okay sorry.../off rant

gwendymom: It seems rampant judging from the comments. I'm beginning to sense a conspiracy. It might not make a difference in the long run, but I'm just going to refuse to play along. Thanks for the comment and stopping by! :)


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

Great Hub and as always very funny. They have started here in Oklahoma too. I love Christmas but not in september, I'm just starting to get used to the idea of fall.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

It does seem as though it gets earlier and earlier every year, and now I believe it's true. I like christmas as much - or maybe more - than the next person, but anything about it before Thanksgiving really pisses me off. Are there really people who fall for this and start buying stuff now? Who are they? How many of them are there? I can't imagine it could be more than...say...5% of the population? Is it worth pissing off the other 95%? It's annoying me just thinking about it.

Thanks for a great hub, Spryte!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

They did that at Lowes here in CA too. You know, I was thinking about what you said about the music making you lose it. Can you imagine if they started in with the music now and you had to WORK there? Serious, think about that, like 95 days of Christmas music... that's 25% of the year. Good thing they haven't turned that stuff on yet.


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

I'm so glad to be heading back east for Christmas this year. No tree...no decorating my own home...no Christmas wrapping (since it has to go through airport security) and I'll arrive with just one day of shopping available to me. :) I can't wait.


Eric Graudins profile image

Eric Graudins 8 years ago from Australia

They're doing it in Australia too.

Walked into the local shopping centre, to be confronted with installation of Christmas decorations.

Won't be long before christmas carols will be wafting through the aisles to hypnotise you into a mood of christmas goodwill and spending. (Or drive you absolutely nuts in my case.

Oh well, good excuse to update the stuff on my ipod to drown out the carols.

Bah. Humbug.


Nannette profile image

Nannette 8 years ago

I totally agree, I'm from Florida...enough said.

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