I wanted to elaborate a little more on a post that I had started a while ago, but didn't because I was tired of writing. Sometimes coming up with ideas and actually following through with them can be hard, but this was one post I should not have neglected without further explanation.
See, I'm quite sure that many of us have dealt with "control freaks" in our lifetimes, and walked away feeling drained, dazed and confused when the ride was over. Some may have felt that as a result they lost control of themselves and are now struggling to get back to center.
Control freaks can be defined as someone that has a need to control something/someone because they lack control themselves. Their lives spiral out of control because of decisions they may have made, and instead of taking responsibility for their actions, they lash out at people, places and things. Animals usually get the brunt of most of it because they are the easiest to control and generally don't fight back from the abuse, they just love us unconditionally - something we should be doing ourselves.
Relationships are pretty interesting because there may be one person that just feels the need to control everything about the other, all the way down to what they may eat and what they can wear. For some of us that can recognize this form of behavior, rebellion often becomes a form of self expression. Although rebellion may not be an appropriate word for this piece, because people choose to do what they want when they want, look how they want, listen to what they want, that one person just has to try to change the general make up of another because they are insecure within themselves. This insecurity becomes an affliction because they try to incapaciate the other because of fear.
Fear is a terribly crippling disease: fear is what keeps nations from accepting and loving each other as brothers and sisters, thus war becomes inevitable. Fear kills relationships. How so? Fear manifests into something greater...jealousy. That green-eyed monster is what keeps people from reaching out to each other and expressing themselves openly and lovingly. Fear also keeps one from exploring other possibilities and reaching true potentials. Just think about all of the things you wanted to accomplish in your lifetime, but somehow didn't because you were afraid to even try. Some people translate fear into failure, two complete opposites, yet in one's mind they mean one in the same.
This fear/failure complex siphons into homes, and destroys the very fibers of the relationship. A control freak fears that which cannot be controled and works tirelessly to break down the other's psyche. Domestic violence is part of the controller's control. After many years of a controller dismantling the mental and emotional fibers of a person, deprogramming is what I would like to call it, that person is literally devoid of anything: lacks resources to care for themselves without someone telling them how to do it, and unable to pick up the pieces so quickly. Years of treatment is in order to put the puzzle back together, but a terrible stain is forever imprinted in their minds.
For some it is hard to realize that control is actually taking place until they happen to be discussing it amongst their friends and are told that they are being controlled. One way you can actually determine if someone is trying to control you is listen to how you feel whenever you interact with someone. Do you feel wary whenever someone says something that is completely opposite of your convictions? If so, then you need to think of what you need to do to get yourself out of the situation because it isn't going to get any better. As a matter of fact it will escalate into something greater.
You can be happy in a relationship without someone telling you how to wear your hair, or choosing your music for you. If you like hip-hop and that person likes country music, it is a free world and everyone is entitled to listen to what they want. However, if the person purposefully picks a fight with you because they don't like Ice Cube and this is a continual occurence, chances are if you opt to listen to Toby Keith just to shut their mouths, you've been controlled. If your style has changed because someone cannot handle pencil skirts and pumps, to sweat suits or baggy clothes, trust me...you've been controlled. If he faithfully wore his favorite baggy jeans and t-shirt when he relaxed, only to see him in dress slacks and a button down shirt on the weekend and he grimaces when he walks down the street...trust me, he was controlled.
People fail to realize that we were bestowed with rights as individuals when we took our first breath into this "grand world," although for some, rights are not as open and free and even the freedom to practice what they believe in is encroached upon. Third world countries strip people of their rights immediately, so let's refer to America as a basis for this topic. We have rights...we are individuals, and there is nothing worse than a husband or wife, girlfriend or boyfriend, father or mother trying to strip you of your values, convictions, and morals to suit their purpose.
It is not right and it is not fair to devalue another person's lifestyle and choices because it doesn't fit your lifestyle. On one hand if you actively pursued someone that was quite the opposite of what you are, can you justify the hardships and torment you place upon them? No. You either take them as they are or leave them alone. Now this is not to say that you may run into someone that may appear to be a little "rough" around the edges and you offer (note the operative word here) suggestions to help them improve themselves; i.e., they want to improve their vocabulary so you get them books to further enrich their skills or they want to learn a trade so you help them get into school, etc... This is called helping your fellow man, not to be confused with changing them to your design. They suggested the change and may have even asked for help, that is the big difference.
Controllers do not acknowledge individualism, in fact that is a threat to them. Understand once again a controller is someone that lacks control in their lives, so they have to control something in order to feel significant. Think about it, if you never called someone a billion times in a day and now you're dealing with someone that balks at the fact that you don't call at least ten times before noon, you should be concerned. That behavior will only get worse, and no matter how much you try to explain that you were working, there will be someone chomping at the bit because you "could have taken some time out of your day to at least see how they were doing." That is selfish, unfair and unrealistic.
Also, when you find yourself constantly defending something or explaining "why" you chose to do something, listen to something, read something, eat something, etc...you really should reevaluate the entire situation and take control of you. You should pack your bags and leave. You should stop answering your phone, you should stop making those ten calls before noon and walk away before something terrible happens. It begins with you and your control of yourself.
If you control and you wonder why people stop hanging around you as much, or why you cannot have a substantial relationship with others without using force or strong-arming them into loving you, then you should seek professional help to tap into what is driving you to control others rather than yourself. I know, easier said than done because you have to admit to yourself that there is a problem before you can actually seek help...but I do believe that controllers are quite aware of what they are doing when they get a rush out of the control for their own benefit.
Being responsible for yourself is essential. If we can take stock of our own lives, we can enrich other's lives with the differences we bring to the table. As unique human beings, with our own minds and bodies...The question would be, "would you rather be a robot or an individual?"
Be your own puppeteer and pull your own strings...
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