Did You Ever Get Support From Technical Support
Have You Ever Called Technical Support? - Don't Get Me Started!
Before I get started I have to say that I have always considered myself bi-techual. I love gadgets and am great at making them work and even fixing minor issues (except for the fact that my DVD is currently only communicating with me in Spanish for some reason that I can't change, a language I don't speak). My brother is the Vice President in charge of Information Technology (IT) for a major pet supplies retailer. He is simply the best at helping me revive a dying computer or explain what that noise is in my car. He's great and very helpful as are the IT guys at my company but this is the extent of the people I've encountered who actually know what they're doing in the technical support side of businesses. Have you ever called technical support? - Don't Get Me Started!
For those of you who are subscribers to the Some Like It Scott website, I apologize that you haven't received any updates from me recently but the technical side of the site that allows me to send newsletters filled with fun and adventure for you has been down for over two weeks now.
For those of you who are not subscribers, you will not be allowed into my corner of hell. No, you'll have to sit in the area designed by Jonathan Adler and smell his no sock but dress shoe wearing funk for the rest of eternity. Those of you who watched Top Design will know what I mean. (Or read the blog at If You're Wearing Dress Pants and Shoes PUT ON THE SOCKS MEN! ) So if you don't want to fall victim of that fate...you must email me immediately with your email address, full name and any other information you think I can't live without email@example.com to become a subscriber. And now back to our story...
When I first called they told me that I needed to upgrade (translation - pay more) for the newsletter service as I was trying to email more subscribers than was included in my plan. And so I upgraded, supposedly. Then in a move that was about as shocking to me as the former New Jersey governor McGreevey's wife coming out with a book (not very), the whole newsletter system went completely down only to be followed a few days later by disappearing all together from the site where I do all the editing to make things look pretty and send my updates to my subscribers. I have called every day and gotten someone different who assures me that it will most likely be fixed today or if not today in the next forty-eight hours. It has not been fixed.
But here's what gets me, everyone from the supposed support center is from New Delhi or somewhere. I can't understand them, they can't understand me (and frankly when I hear, "deli" there better be a corned beef on marble rye with coleslaw and Russian dressing coming my way if you want to make me happy). They put me on hold and then come back saying things like, "Um...I am thanking you for the holding...ah...I am seeing you have called...and we have sent the problems to the specialist department...do you want to be holding to see if I can be finding out the status?" No, please by all means, keep giving me those canned bullshit stock answers that aren't answers at all and that mean nothing to me over and over again, don't talk to someone who might actually know something and give me real information. Lie to me, I love to be lied to, in fact, it's one of my favorite things in the world. And again the Muzak plays. I try to improve my attitude and hum along all the while feeling my blood pressure going up so high that my ears are now bright red and my left eye is twitching like a boy toy whore at a sugar daddy convention. By the time the support person gets back on the phone I'm calm enough to sound calm enough. "I am thanking you for the holding" she says. Almost interrupting I say, "Yeah, I know all that. Now what information do you have for me?" She begins again (a little perturbed that I cut her off from one of her "sure to work with the pissed off" phrases from her manual) "Well, I am seeing that the specialists are not responding at this time but I am sure they are doing the working on this problem. You are not the only person with this problem sir and we do be apologizing for the inconvenience." Okay, this always sends me through the roof. I don't know if it's because I'm the most selfish son of a bitch or what but don't tell me other people are being screwed too as a way to make me feel better. It doesn't make me feel better; it actually just pisses me off more. Just like I don't want anyone around me telling me about the starving people of Somalia when I've just been rear-ended (boys, get your minds out of the gutter) and the ass wipe who hit me has no insurance. I don't need a Kumbaya moment, I need a "kill boo yah" moment! I try to compose myself and ask, "So, where do we go from here?" She says, "Well...um...do you want them to be calling you when the situation is being resolved?" "If that's all you can do for me, sure" I say resigned to the fact that there will be no answers or resolution on this call and that I will have to call again tomorrow. And then she does it, she ends the call with their stock phrase that makes me want to kick her until she's dead (even though I don't know her) "Sir, we are thanking you for calling today. If you are to be needing to call again, you can use your same ticket number, 628w3e0923434q2342343 to refer to when calling about this matter. Is there anything else I can be helping you with at this time?" Almost in a catatonic state I say, "No, thank you." "Okay sir, thank you again for the calling and have a good day." The phone slips from my ear like a drag queen's old clip-on earring. Slowly it lowers and flops to its base. I'm officially spent. I can do no more. I'm thinking, "Why couldn't I have gotten a gay to help me? They would have done more. Do you mean to tell me there's not even one lesbian with a tool belt on there rebooting people?" I want to weep but that will do no good and besides I need to stay hydrated to retain my youthful appearance.
No, it's over for today. I begin to think about all those people who say clichés like, "Live today as if it's your last." Well, if today was my last day, I'd go to hell without being able to let anyone know that I'm on a MikWright card, that I have Dreamgirls crap that Paramount sent me that I have to get rid of (who needs 60 copies of the novelization of the movie, Dreamgirls?) and I'd go to my grave replaying "I am thanking you for the holding" in an Indian accent in my head instead of Barbra Streisand singing, "Don't Rain On My Parade" (the song that is normally going through my head). And I wonder, "Is it I, Lord? Am I the only one who ever experienced such lack of support when calling a center that has the word "support" in its name?" Have you ever called technical support? - Don't Get Me Started!
Read more Scott at www.somelikeitscott.com
More by this Author
Here I thought that there would be certain phrases that we would never have to hear again. You know, like "Cowabunga" from when the Simpsons first came out or "What's uaaaaaaaaaaap?" from that...