Family life with a depressed husband and three kids

My introduction

Hi! My name is Sarah, I am a wife (married for over 8 years) a mother (Three children, Aspen-7, Cedar-5, Olive-3) and the person who (tries) to hold everything together. My husband suffers from depression. I am starting this blog for a few reasons. The first is a bit selfish, but I need a place to put everything that goes on around me down. The second is that I searched for something like this and couldn't find a blog or a support group for the wives of men who have depression. I believe that there are many women like me out there who love their husbands, but struggle with their depression. I want to post my daily struggles and victories so that wives like me know that we are not alone, we can make it through the dark times and we can make sure that our children are healthy, our families are safe and our husbands struggles don't drown us with them. Before I got married and started my family I was a teacher. I decided not to go back to work, but to stay home and raise our children. When I got married I knew my husband had depression, but I didn't really know what it ment. He was on Effexor when we got engaged, and stayed on it for over two years into our marriage. By that time we had our first little girl, he was teaching Japanese and our lives had become fairly stable. He decided to go off his medication and took several months to ease off of it. Things were pretty good. He was in "remission" for several years. Then about a year and a half ago things started again. In April or May of 2007 he hit a breaking point and went back on medication. Effexor again. Right now, he is on 75mg/day. Thigs got better, but now they are bad again. I think that he needs to up his dose (although I can't talk to him about it. When he is bad like this, he shuts me out and won't talk to me. I feel like I'm the enemy, the cause of it all. Yep, OUCH!) So, that's where things are now. We have jumped out of the happy state of well being and into the whirlwinds of full fledged depression. Let the blog begin!

Comments 51 comments

KatherineH 7 years ago

Hello. My name is Katherine. I'm new to HubPages. I can't tell when this blog was posted so maybe it's been a while but I'm just finding it now and happy I did. My situation is very similar! I am coming to the realization that my husband suffers from depression and I did a search to see if I could find some sort of online support. I'm a stay at home mom to two small children. My husband has been dealing with anxiety for years and usually goes long stretches between episodes but now it seems as if everyday when he comes in the door I don't know if he's going to be his usual self or sullen, moody and barely speaking to us. He could start the day OK but if anything doesn't go right he gets moody and quiet. It seems as if he can't roll with life's punches- even minor ups and downs. I'm having a hard time dealing with this. It's like a black cloud envelopes our house whenever he gets this way. The kids shouldn't have to tiptoe around him to avoid "upsetting" him- it's not a healthy environment for us. And, like you, I can't talk to him about it- he'll feel like I'm blaming him and he'll get himself feeling down even more and completely shut me out. He doesn't seem to have as much interest in me anymore. He just tries to keep himself busy to avoid dealing with his problems and we really don't have much to talk about. He had a bad episode 10 years ago and was on antidepressants but he didn't like the side effects and now says he hates to take medication of any kind. He sees a therapist for the anxiety and as far as I know they just talk about how to cope with attacks- not what I'm now beginning to see is a more serious and pervasive problem. I'm glad I'm not the only one out there. I just wish there was something I could do. I just bite my tongue and wait for the storm to pass.


tinka 7 years ago

sorry you are going through that. Me too, but not quite as bad. My husband has a history of depression, but I used to be so in love I just put up with it. the older I get the less I am willing to put up with. He has recently had a terrible illness and it has just turned him into an emotional wreck. I know I should be supportive - my problem is I have a hard time tolerating his struggles and I am too cold toward him. I love him but feel no love and warmth, then feel sooo guilty.

from my experience though, I would recommend not tolerating any anger or darkness around the kids. tell him he needs to leave. You can tell him you love him but you need to protect the kids from his darkness. I look back when my child was young, and see how horrible it was that I allowed that gloom and anger around my child. No tip-toeing around and kids living in fear of upsetting dad, or not having friends over cuz he's too moody. Some peace and respect is okay, but perhaps one day a week, and the rest of the time the kids should be able to be kids.


metoo 6 years ago

I have similar situation - my husband has a very stressful financial job and the stress to match! Over the yrs he has become depressed with the changes & failures of work and has begun his own company.(made his see therapist yrs ago and has been on meds since) A very brilliant man but has anxiety when managing people. He has made some huge growth over the yrs with his connection to his own feelings / anger and communication with work BUT still gets down with those struggles leaving me with all the emotional baggage of the kids. I am just so freakin tired all the time - I am tired of not being settled and tired of the daily lie of being content. I am not sure if it is him or the nature of his industry. But I know he is losing steam with the new venture and I am supporting it all - and feeling so torn apart. and of course money is an issue we have either had ALOT or no income...not sure what my next move should be!

My kids love their dad and he is a great dad and it would make me sad to leave him - b/c I love him but if I left I would only be left the negative parts at least I am getting goods parts when he is up...I guess just venting


kmorgen1981 6 years ago

Hi ladies,

My situation sounds fairly similar. I am always looking for people in the same situation as me because it can be so difficult for others to understand what i am going through. I have two wonderful boys. They mean everything to me and I work very hard to give them a good life. My husband has depression, and ADD. He was not really showing to many symptoms until we had our second child almost six years ago. Since then he has just progressivly gotten worse. I feel like I am stuck in this neverending cycle of his moods and this marriage. Sometimes I get so fed up and frustrated i just want a divorce. He just doesn't seem to realize any of the good things in his life. He is so negative. He doesn't usually see it for himself either. It usually takes a big blow out for him to finally see that he is being difficult to deal with. My older son is very effected by it. He cant tolerate his moods anymore. My husband tends to focus on the negative side of things and also can be quite sarcastic and harsh. Sadly my younger son has never really known any better of a father. He does not realize all that is going on. It is really frustrating because I try so hard with my kids but whether I stay or go it will have n egative effects on them. I dont want to hurt my kids or do anything to cause permanent problems I just want what is best for them and myself. This is not a normal life. There is a cloud hanging over our family and I want it gone. I dont want to be in this isolated world that he has gotten us into.


sz 6 years ago

I have been in a committed relationship with my partner for five years, and we have struggled since the beginning. I am in treatment for a severe anxiety disorder and have been for three years now. It takes a lot for me to manage my own problems alone, and now, my partner is going through some kind of acute depressive episode which I think has lasted for at least two years.

He became physically ill, and eventually lost his job. He lost his car, his driver's license, and has very little contact with his family, his daughter, or with friends. He began to abuse prescription sleeping pills and alcohol, resulting in falls, broken bones, and various, minor injuries. He is sweet to me--cooks for me, makes my coffee every morning, and is wholly affectionate. But, I'm not getting any help with any of the logistics of living. I am a 30 year old graduate student, a professor and a full-time employee of the university where I work. I can't afford our standard of living by myself, and I need help. I can't get it from him, and I can't afford his treatment.

I need some help. I need some advice. I have been thinking that the only way this would work would be for us to separate, for him to figure out how to get better and how to survive and not place all the responsibility of it on my shoulders (shoulders that have a lot of worry already sitting on them just by predisposition). I don't know if I am in a position financially, mentally, or physically to handle the weight of his illness. I don't feel like I know how to help at all, and I'm suffocating in a dark shadowy purgatory. I feel like I'm homeless to some degree--don't know what I'm gonna get when I go back to the home I have worked so hard (without help) to provide myself.

Any ideas? Help me see what would help us, please.


michelle 6 years ago

Wow, ladies- what a theme here- so sad. So sad that there is not enough support for men or their partners. I am miserable and the hard part is that on the outside my husband is so charismatic and funny everyone thinks he is fine. So when I talk about his depression to others, people think I am exagerating the normal contentious aspects of marriage. my husband has severe retention problems so fo me it is like depression Gound Hog Day. He doesn't believe he is depressed, he justifies his anger, he wonders why I am so concerned.....It is a nightmare that I live over and over again each day.


Mary 6 years ago

I've been what I call a "Wife of Depression" for 31+ years now, and have been thinking about creating some kind of Ministry for women like us for years! Tonight is the first time I've found any blogs like this one. The other I found had 500+ postings and has been going on since 2005! I would not have been able to get through these years of living on an emotional roller coaster if it were not for God's help! In the hardest times He's taught me so much about my own anger, and patience and compassion and trust and love and hope. I work with 2 younger women now who are walking this amazingly difficult path, and with young children in their homes the pain (and danger!) is so much more intense! And as michelle wrote, we feel so alone in this struggle because our husbands are SUCH GREAT FAKERS! I've written in my journals that it's like being married to a dead person, only worse, because nobody mourns with you. Nobody else knows he's dead. After many struggles, threats, almost divorces, his talk of suicide, my husband finally got counseling and went on medication. It helps, but he did not stay in counseling long enough to really get to the cause of his depression. So the roller coaster continues. But God is strong. God is able. God is the only hope we have and He is sufficient, or I would not be writing this 31 years later.


erin 6 years ago

I've been married for 6 1/2 years now. My husband told me of his depression hx but it never showed itself until about 3 years ago. Like so many of you, he puts on a wonderful front: only my best friends that have personally dealt with depression believe me when I explain what it's like living with him. When he takes his Lexipro, he's wonderful. Within 3 days it's in his system and the seratonin is clearly regulated; but he refuses to fill his Rx and thus by day 2 he's a nightmare. Nothing we have is good enough; he criticizes me (his pregnant with second kid wife who only went for baby round 2 when he'd established a routine of taking meds and promised he would continue to do so), our dog, our beautiful home, and discounts any of the many blessings we have. It's sarcastic, mean remarks coupled with eye rolls and "you don't understand." Our daughter is sometimes cold to him because he's been so inconsistent; he gets irritable with her, with me, with anything behind closed doors in our house. It's incredibly frustrating and great to read your posts to know that I'm not alone. Between working full-time, our daughter, active dog and pregnancy, I don't have the energy to take care of him. I don't have the fight to be defensive and see that it makes no difference. The selfishness of his not taking his meds is enfuriating and takes its toll on everything that should be important to him. He empathizes with his friends who grapple with their wives' depression, but doesn't care and can't get past the stereotypes inflicted by his own cold-hearted nuclear family growing up about mental illness. I just wish Dr. Jekyll would keep Mr. Hyde at bay; any advice on how you have kept your hubbies on their meds w/o going through this every month when the Rx runs out (I think he feels better, decides he doesn't need them, then falls into this rut again) is much appreciated.


Sarah 6 years ago

Hi! I can't believe how many people, especially lately have been commenting on my blog. I am posting a comment until I can remember my password to get in and write a new post.

a bit of an update on my end is that my husband stopped Effexor and is now on Lexapro. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Lexapro! I know it's not for everyone, but after dealing with Lexapro for many years and and several on and off episodes, the results is amazing.

Before he switched, and the reason that he switched was that he had tow major blow ups with family, a month apart. First we visited my brother and 10 min before we left the whole pleasant visit was in ruins. The second was at Christmas (a year ago.) He blew up at his father and has likely permanetly damaged that relationship.

Luckily for us I know his doctor and was able to talk to him after these two episodes happened. I told him that his medicine really didn't work and that my husband was coming to see him in a few days probably to go off meds. (He said they weren't working) I practically begged the Dr not to let him totally go off meds. I also asked him not to let my husband know I had talked to him. I wasn't sure how my husband would react to me going behind his back. He said it happened all the time and he would keep my confidentalities. (sp?)

Long story short, he is now on Lexapro and it is a perfect fit for him. He still has ups and downs. More so than a "normal" person. I have learned to make sure that he has the opportunity to rest if he wants it after work. That if our week is too busy he will likely get sick or spiral down. He often wants to go off his meds but hasn't because I insist that there is a huge difference. (I have even kept a journal of how he reacts to things now compared to how he used to on effexor or no meds.)

Thank you everyone for your comments! Keep them coming. It is sooo hard to love someone with depression. For me it is worth it. But it has taken 10 years for ME to shed the depression steriotype and talk about it. And talking about it helps us to keep loving through the really hard times.


Mary 6 years ago

For Erin - and others frustrated because of the selfishness of their husbands/wives who refuse to take care of themselves, take their medications and do what they NEED to do to treat this disease... It took me many years (over 25!) and falling deep into my own depression (this disease is definitely contageous!) before I was very wisely counseled that I was not my husband's mother. I could NOT control whether or not he took his meds, went to the doctor or did any of the things he was supposed to be doing to get well. I had to let go and realize that this fight was his, and the only one who could help him - was him. The hardest part for me was not ME giving up on being in charge - it was realizing that God also gives our loved ones the free will to do the right thing or the wrong thing. He also will not force them to take care of themselves. He sometimes loves them enough to let them crash! Sometimes that's the only place from which they will ever look up and say "Help!"


fedup 6 years ago

I am just finding your site today out of desperation. My husband has suffered from what has been diagnosed as depression, anxiety, OCD, ADD, ADHD and let's not forget a "sleeping disorder". We have been married for several years and have two wonderful children. We go through stages of everything being somewhat normal to toal chaos - I feel that this is unhealthy for my children and am torn about standing by husband - Is there some kind of miracle treatment out there for people like this?


Sheryl 6 years ago

I am in my 30th year of living with a man like you all describe. I have raised two children being the one that puts the happy face on and doing everything to make peace in our home. My children are now grown and gone away to college in different states and I am now left all alone with this man that I love but hate at the same time. I have become this crying sad pathetic woman and do not know how to stop this terrible pain. More later got to get stuff done. Glad I found this site. Thank you.


Jesus_saves 6 years ago

I'm glad to have come across this discussion group! I too have been married for ten years to a severely Depressed man. He/we've gone through similar things. Anger, regret, suicidal thoughts(daily), anxiety, emptiness and the list goes on....God is my support. I, like many of you have thought about what it would be like if I walked away. But I love Him so I stay(And the fear of what He may do if I did leave)! Because love isn't a feeling...it's a choice I made to Him before God, through sickness and health. And I hope you all and your partners have come to the realization that depression is a disease. It's not something you choose, but you can choose to fight it. I hope I'm not coming across as a know it all, I don't mean to be. This is the first time I've met others that mirror my situation. I'm going to tell my husband of your stories, because when you're suffering as much as He does, you think you're the only one and that nobody else understands what your pain is like. Probably sounds familiar. It's crucial to our health, and our childrens that we have our own support system/friends.


poppy22 6 years ago

I too have been married for 22 years. My husband has always been a 'worrier" and insecure, but is was after the birth of our second child 12 years ago, that I noticed his behaviour change. He became obsessive, angry and excessively critical. He became obsessed with thinking there were fleas in the floor boards of our home. So much so that he couldn't focus on family celebrations at Christmas. I would ask him to stop and I could see any, He would get real angry and accuse me of being blasé and that I was belittling him. This was followed by many focus points. The cat was no longer allowed inside and he would be mean to it and our our eldest daughter who was 10years. We now have 4 children. Our eldest (22yrs)now suffers from anxiety and anger issues and has attempted to commit suicide 3 times that we know of. She cannot maintain any stable relationship.It breaks my heart. She was such a bright and sweet little things but my husband's relationship with her deteriorated significantly after the birth of our second child. I feel I have failed to protect her and allowed these things to manifest in her life.

We since have had another 2 boys, ages 6 and 8 now. Our eight year old is developing anger issues because my husband is emotionally withdrawn, intolerant, moody and very quick to criticize. He is happy only if everything is in order and quiet. The kids don't bring their friends over because they don't want to be embarrassed by his moods and I am the same way. He wears his sunglasses all the time even at night and when he has something to say to me. Yet he will take them off (reluctantly)when at other peoples houses at night. If I ask him to take them off, it ends in a snarling match. We do a lot of that now or it is cold indifference. He will often refer to me as someone or anyone. He doesn't hit the children, he yells and makes lots of angry wild threats but never follows through, or just ignores or gives up. The kids ignore him when he calls them which then sets him off again,to do jobs because he constantly setting them task after task. He doesn't listen to their little stories and will often talk over them to give an order.He is so pedantic around the house, that we can't relax. We have just moved into a new home we build. That is another whole can of worms!

Yes I too have been fortunate to discover my God is there for me and loves me. God is my Saviour and support and if it weren't for Jesus I would have been divorced 5 years ago when he cheated on me. A drunk night out. I have Jesus as my balm but who do my kids have??? They love Jesus but don't have the emotional maturity to access the safe emotional haven God provides. Do I have the right to continue to subject them to living in constant anxiety when he is at home. To satisfy my warped sense of martyring myself to being the 'wife who stayed' or never gave up. I am not happy either. I receive NO emotional nourishment from my husband. Is this the sad example of a marriage I set for my kids to accept or aspire to??? I want better for them.Look what happened to our eldest daughter. He and I have been to numerous counseling sessions but lacked any follow through at home. He has seen a couple of clinical psychologist to cope but refuses flatly to take any medication (prescription) or follow through with their advise. He has never sat down and discussed with me the contents of those sessions. I have to question their benefit, or perhaps he just doesn't want to change. He has taken St John's wort and I believe has made a slight improvement but once again not consistent. I have tried every way I know of to get break through with him.

I can feel myself fully withdrawing from him and heading down the path of separation. If there is an answer out there I need it, before I go down the path of no return. I need to get off this emotional roller-coaster for the sake of my children s' mental health and future happiness, and my own sanity and ability to be a good mother to the kids.

He is a good provider and if this anxiety/anger/excessvie citicism would go away we would have no issues. Or maybe it is me and/or the kids that brings the worst out in him? He has held down the same job for 25 years but rarely will invite people over these days. We used to have BBQ's all the time. I know very few of his work colleagues.


Michelle 6 years ago

Hi all,

I am so happy to have found a place where I can share my feelings. My husband of nine years approached me three months ago and told me that he wasn't happy with our relationship, it was completely out of the blue and I was in absolute shock. I never suspected a thing. I began to lose tons of weight and eventually went to a doctor who diagnosed him with depression,. He has been on anti-depressives since then and I haven't seen much change. He says he doesn't know if he loves me and that hurts so much. I suffered from post-natal depression five years ago and never doubted my love for him. I have tried so hard to be supportive and loving and continue telling him how much i love him even though I know I won't hear it from him. It hurts so much.

I am taking care of everything around the house, even though I work. I try to keep the kids out of his way because the noise is unbearable (the kids are 6 and 2). He never wants to talk to me about what he is feeling and we tip-toe around each other all day long. What really frustrates me is that he has been going out every night (either with friends or on his own - or so he tells me) when I feel he should be doing things with me so that we can try and make a go of what's left of our life together. I am so so so sad and completely lost because I just don't know what to do. I feel the kids aren't in a happy environment at the moment but don't want to make any drastic decisions, my oldest is just about to start school and I don't want all the extra pressure on her now. I also don't want to throw in the towel because i love him and want to work it out.

He says he has no one else, but am i just being naïve?

Please help!

Michelle


Nina 6 years ago

I am so glad to have found this blog! Just reading the comments from others has really helped me! And I think I was looking for a place to where I could find some validation, to know that it is not all in my head.

I am a wife of 9 years, and I have two small children, one of which is a newborn. Having the children only exacerbates the problem, because he often withdraws from them as well. For years, I have always thought that my husband was dealing with anger issues. I would plead with him to get anger management help, which he always refused. I thought this because we would have huge blowout fights, usually resulting in his complete withdrawl from me, or his contemplating suicide. Now I know that the anger was just a symptom of his depression.

He is the perfect person on the outside. Anyone who knows him or meets him falls in love with him instantly. He is charismatic and an energetic talker/listener. When he is between episodes, he seems to be the perfect husband! He is an awesome dad and attentive husband. He helps with the kids and with the chores around the house.

Sometimes it starts as soon as something negative happens in his/our life. If we are struggling with bills, if something breaks around the house, or even something as simple as him being late to work. He is not able to handle it. He gets extremely stressed and is way too hard on himself and on me. He becomes withdrawn and claims that he just feels "tired." If I try to talk to him, he tells me to stop "phychoanalyzing" him, that he just wants to be left alone. But if I try to give him his space, he blames me for not caring about his feelings enough. I can never win.

Other times, he gets irritated with something I say or do. He will become very quiet and not talk to me about it. Then, it will turn into an all-out war where he claims that I "do this to him all the time," I "never care about his feelings," "everyone always walks all over him." He often begins to raise his voice and curse (which is usually not like him). Then he gets even more mad at me for "causing him to get angry." He cannot sleep when this happens, he sometimes stays in bed for hours, leaving me to handle both children. He does not allow me to talk or to "defend myself" for what I said. He believes that the whole world is against him and he wished everyone would just stop putting him down. He doesn't speak to his family anymore because he believes them to be a common source for his anger and pain. I think the relationship is irreparable. He sometimes comes to his senses by the next day and half-hazzardly appologizes for his behavior. Other times it takes days for him to fully come around. I have learned to deal with it, but I do not want this to negatively affect our children.

We have never been very religious people, but have recently found God. He is very adamant about reading the bible and his many devotionals daily, so much so that I feel it has become an obsession. If he is not able to read them daily, he becomes upset. So What good is it really doing him? It is supposed to be teaching him Godliness, but just becomes another source of stress and depression. When we fight, I ask him to remember his readings. But that only makes him more angry. It always ends in me backing down and begging him to "accept my appology." I often have to do this just to stop the fight. It seems to calm the situation somewhat.

For many years, I have dealt with it. I know what upsets him and I try to avoid those things. I try to minimize stress, but lately I have started to feel more selfish. When is this going to end? And when is he going to see what it is doing to me? Is he ever going to consider MY feeling for a change? How would he feel if I started doing to him what he does to me?

I dont say any of this because I am afraid he will attempt to commit suicide, which he has tried 2 times in the past. One event last year ended in me calling the police and he was taken to a mental health hospital in handcuffs. He still resents me for calling the police :( I feel like I live in fear every time we get into these fights. I am so tired of it. I dont know how much longer I can do this for. Sometimes I feel like I should leave him, but dont even consider it more because I know he would for-sure commit suicide then.

It is so hard not having any friends for family for support. We have casual friends, but no really close friends because he doesn't want to have any.

I feel so lost. I want to be stronger for my kids.

Sorry this got so long. This is the first time I seen these words on paper, or said them out loud.


Ashley 6 years ago

Thank god I thought I was crazy, that being told that its not me but hes not happy anymore, and the worst part of the whole thing is that I have no proof if my husband is depressed. I have a friend who suffers from depression and she was the first person to say I think your husbands depressed, he is showing all the signs. At first I thought yeah right my husband depressed theres no way but after reading through these stories I am more then convinced that he is.

We have been together for 10 years and have had 2 children, i think that maybe the loss of our first child to cancer was what has triggered this. For years I thought him leaving lashing out and then returning was just a faze, but the most recent episode has gotten worse. A week ago hes family pet that he has had for 12 years died and then all of a sudden he starts treating me like garbage, its like he cant even be in the same room as me. When I ask him what's wrong he says nothing, and when I finally blew up he said to me that the problem is not me, hes just not happy anymore with everything and does not know why. The last 3 days he has been so bad that he packed up his work clothes and left after causing a huge fight with me in front of his 5 year old son. I found the bag in the car and when I confronted him about it he says he just wants to be alone and then leaves.

He sends texts the next morning making sure i got up, to get our son to school and to tell me to tell is child that he loves him. I am so angry and hurt I feel like I'm bashing my face against a wall I tell him I love him I give him space I did everything he wanted and still some how i am the one getting lashed out on.

No doctor has diagnosed him, and if I even mentioned depression oh my look out. I feel that this is what it is, I have asked him if he wants to go and talk to someone, and all he comes out with is "it didn't help with my daughter so why would it work now" he says that no one can help him but him, but like all the other wives comments that I have read he is tearing our family apart and leaving me to pick up the pieces behind him and a 5 year old that keeps asking why his Daddy left.

Does anyone have any idea what I can do, I am not prepared to throw away 10 years but I am making myself sick and this cant be good for my child

Ashley


BCZISDSO 6 years ago

I'll be the first to admit that I AM crazy, but not when it comes to my husbands ongoing love affair with his depression.

We've been married for almost 18 years now and have 5 children. I myself have ADHD and have dealt with depression for many moons. My husband was diagnosed back in 2004 at which time he had to participate in an intensive outpatient program because of the severity, he was off work for 2 months on medical leave. With meds and counseling he made some major progress. We also did counseling together.......

Moving on to 2007. After much frustration with his meds and an issue at work with managers who had to be written up and scolded by HR, he took too many anti anxiety meds. At first we thought overdose but it was more or less a situation in which someone takes Klonopin, doesn't wait long enough to feel the effects, takes another and so on. He had only taken 4 pills but it knocked him out and his friends at work took him to the hospital. After being groped by him in the ER in front of a very conservative looking Indian couple, the Dr. and I decided he needed to go into another intensive outpatient program again. Out on medical leave from the last day of school in June to late September that time.  I almost lost my mind!! 

Onward to April of 2008. After 14 faithful and exemplary years of employment with JPMorgan he was laid off....and so began another downward spiral that is still running at full speed with no signs of stopping. In that span of time we have gone from a family of seven with a nice home, two cars, me home schooling two of our children who have special needs, and an income of $120K+ a year to losing everything except for the things in our home that weren't worth selling. We lived with his parents from June 2009 to August 2010. We are now renting a home that is worth less than half of what the home we owned was, all kids in the public school system, and me working at a grocery store because they would work around the hours I needed for my children.

My husband did find work after his layoff but not till December of 2009, with the same company, 1 month after his seniority ran out, $40K less a year and more responsibility. I'd love to say it wasn't for lack of trying to find a job that it took him sooooo long to find work but I can't. He slept, played Rock Band, expressed irritation about the house not being clean yet did nothing to help, read comic books, slept, went to concerts, drove his intoxicated friends home in the wee hours of the morning, and slept...sound like depression? They say it's a selfish disease.  

As for what its like to live with a man who suffers from depression its a constant battle. With this latest bout that began around the layoff he's been all over the place. The closer he got to his severance ending the darker he got. By October of 2008, severance would end at the beginning of November, he started getting mean. No violence mind you, just sarcastic, snide, and degrading. All of our friends who know both of us noticed, I had friends offering to let me and my children stay with them. He did it in front of his family too which threw them for a loop. As of now he's just in a constant funk. The children and I tiptoe around our daily lives, me quietly placating his moods and the kids realizing he's more a piece of furniture that you cant play on or it will break than a dad. They don't ask him for anything unless I push them to.

And after all this I know I'm crazy because I'm relatively happy day to day. I have great kids who are doing well in school. We aren't living with my in-laws anymore and I can pay all the bills. I managed to keep the family pets through all the turmoil, I think it helped the kids to have the comfort pets give. I managed to keep us fed, clothed, and sheltered. I found legal representation and did all the paperwork for the foreclosure of our home and our bankruptcy and braved the gnashing jaws of the IRS!! And I did all this while finishing the home school program for that school year, taking care of 5 kids and a home and packing for the move. Im stronger than i thought!! But....and isn't there always a "but", I'm happiest when my husband isn't around. GUILT!! Depression is a horrible thick fog, it's there each morning when we wake up and rolls back in every evening when we should be relaxing together.

What do you do with someone not willing to get treatment for an illness they know they have. What do you do when that person doesn't like dealing with occasional nausea or fatigue so they just won't take their meds? I have the same issues with my meds but I know what happens when I don't take them and I can't do that to my children. Is it just maternal instinct? Don't dads have something lime that?

How therapeutic to have a place to share all of this. Kudos to the mother of this blog and to all the others who have shared!

 

 Cass


Sophie 5 years ago

I have just left my husband. His depression basically made him unbearable to live with. He would be pretty much what everyone has said above, especially Nina - moody, dark, angry over tiny things. His anger could be spurred by something so trivial that it would come as a shock to me. I felt I had to tip toe around him. I have an 18 month old son and finally when he absolutely refused to contain his angry outbursts to times when my son was in bed, I decided to leave him. His behaviour didn't seem to be improving, he wouldn't keep taking the eds and started to use drugs. He now lives away from us and I can honestly say it was the only option. I didn't want my boy to grow up with his behaviour every day. My husband's behaviour is, of course, worse now. I receive his anger by email these days and he makes all sorts of threats. However, day to day it's just me and my boy and we are both more relaxed. Did I do the right thing? Should I have hung on in there for longer in the hope he would recover? Who can tell. I made the decision based on his continual refusal to take responsibility for his depression and to save myself and my son a life of always worrying about his moods. Life is too short for all of that. I have not for a moment regretted my decision. Perhaps this will see cold to many people, and I do still care about him very much but not to the point where I will let him make my life and my boy's life a misery. Good luck to all out there in the same boat.


Jaime 5 years ago

I also found this site out of desperation. I am at the beginning part of this journey - I've been married for two years, and my husband's depression just became really severe about 7 months ago. But I've been feeling so alone, and having a hard time asking for or finding the attention that *I* need to cope with this depression.

I have so much appreciated knowing that you all feel the same way that I do, and are trying to weather the same storms I am. Your comments like, "So when I talk about his depression to others, people think I am exaggerating the normal contentious aspects of marriage" and "no one mourns with us" make me feel so relieved that someone else feels the same way, and is mourning with me.


Vicky 5 years ago

Like Jaime I am a "new wife" to a depressed husband. We have been married for 11 years and have two children aged 3 and 5. My husband was first diagnosed with depression in 2009 and prescribe meds but he did not take any because he tried to manage the depression medication. An looking back now, his family and I did not really think depression could be so ugly. Just 2 weeks ago, my husband had a blow-out at work and he got home very upset. He cried and started slapping his face and head as if to get the memories out of his head. He then told me that the lady friend he has been with is more compatible to him than me. I was taken aback and felt so hurt. That was just the beginning. He then gave up all his work responsibilities and was thinking suicidal thoughts. He rang all his friends and work mates and told them he'll see them in the next life. He's waiting for "the next train". It totally freaked me out. That same nite when I went to sleep, he got himself drunk and was sharing his sorrows with his lady friend. He then got aggressive and started throwing all the bottles of wine in the kitchen ausing red wine to be splattered on the floor, walls and even made holes in the wall. He didn't even realise that he had cut me and tried to cut himself using broken glass. The police came and put in in hand-cuffs and he had to be sedated. It was heart-breaking. What worse was that he said he wanted to be with his lady friend in the next life and to be buried together. I was a mess at this stage.

All the sysmptoms I've read from your stories give me comfort that I'm not alone. I am at my wits end and constantly wondering how to manage him so it won't trigger his depression.

At the time of writing this, he is having suicidal thoughts and have taken off with his lady friend for a break. He says he needs his "fresh air" and "space". I feel like he hates being with me and we now don't talk at all when we are together. It hurts.

I ask myself if it is I that have failed him as a wife causing him to prefer to be with someone else and to find comfort being with that other person. Everyone is very supportive and tells me to be strong but it's one thing to give reassuring words and another to be the one who has to face this for the rest of my married life.

He doesn't answer my phone calls and replies to my test messages with one word replies. He never says I love you or I miss you back to me now but says it to his lady friend. It hurts but I know I must be strong.


Lynette2011 5 years ago

This is for Vicky. I have been exactly where you have been. I have been married for 21 years (2 boys, age 19 and 11). Always been happy together and anyone that knows us will say he is crazy about me. That is until Aug 2010. He came home from business trip, said he was miserable and needed to get away from me. Left every weekend until Jan 28, 2011 when I discovered Facebook acct and "new young friend". Although, now I know there was no affair, at the time I was devastated. Told him to leave if he would not discontinue relationship. Anyway, 5 months later after he refused to speak to me, his family, my family, his brother, or his children for weeks at a time..I have discovered that he is truly "miserable" and extremely depressed. I met him for drinks last week for the 1st time in months. He has aged, been ill and seems lost. I, on the other hand, have made new friends, lost 60 pounds, new hairstyle and all this seemed to shock him. I had come to point that if he truly wanted divorce, he could have it. But I asked him if he was truly ready to let me move on with another relationship and his son have a new step father because in all likelihood that would happen. I enjoy being in a relationship and taking care of family. He seemed stunned (although temporarily) out of his fog. He couldn't answer but has since decided to visit our 11 yr old and had dinner and a swim with us. He talks kindly to me and admitted that he didn't think he was any good for me or kids and I should raise them because I was much better parent (All this is sure signs of depression). Also found out that he had major setback at work (in his mind) due to not being promoted. This seems to have been a catalyst for his anger that I now understand is symptom of depression. Needless to say this has been a very traumatic year for me, him and our children. I have been devastated and feel mistreated but I know the man I married and who has written me the most beautiful anniversary cards for 20 years is not the same man that I am seeing today (he moved out in Jan 2011 and has not returned). In a way this has been a blessing because I think we would have fought everyday had he stayed. This has given me a chance to think this through and he has had an escape so that he didn't have to deal with "things". He has been drinking beer to cope which is also common. Some may describe it as midlife crisis, but it is real no matter what it is called. He has just started opening up but it is in tiny steps. PLEASE DON'T RUSH THIS PROCESS. It is almost impossible and you feel that your life is being wasted, but think how you would want him to respond. Recently my husband "broke down" and said he didn't want to burden me and that he had been feeling like a loser for a while. I took his hand and told him I was married to him and that was where I wanted to be and that this was the "worse" part of our marriage vows. I can see that he feels worthless and once I put down my defensiveness I know that he is not intentionally hurting me, but is in an emotional turmoil he can't understand or articulate. I am hoping that with time and lots of prayer, I will have that happy ending again. Until then, please be Patient and understand that marriage is a work in progress for most everyone. I hope you will take my advise and not rush for resolution. He wants it too but is too confused to know what that is. Many men will take the easy way out if you push too hard! Easy is an escape, hard is coming to terms with issues and working them through. They do not want to talk it out. Just be there and let them know you understand they are not trying to hurt you intentionally even though it sure feels like it.


julie 5 years ago

I always worried about me being the one who would be depressed. My father committed suicide when I was younger and I was amazed how this loving strong man could be crumbled apart into a meek and scared man..When my husband went through depression..I really didn't handle it well. We have gone through several job changes that have killed his resume.. a maritial affair by him, and now unemployed and searching for a job that will probably be half of what we need to live on..He is on sucessful medication, but it makes him in my opionion very mellow and not aware of the urgency of our situtaion..I only work part-time and it will not pay our bills. The anxiety I feel daily is unbarable and I am sick of crying daily..I am so afraid we are going to lose everything..it's our children I worry about the most..I pray for everyone else out there going through issues with depression.


Maureen 5 years ago

Wow...so many stories with similar aspects of mine. I am married to a wonderful man who has been beat down by life and anxiety and depression. He is a genius Electrical Engineer with a BS, MS and PhD but has been through 7 jobs in 9 years (Julie I know what you mean by killing a resume). The stress and anxiety of dealing with corporate layers and BS makes him depressed and angry. He begins to view everything as a personal attack. He had been on Effexor for a while to help with the anxiety but decided he didn't like it and quit cold turkey without consulting any of his doctors. He's been in and out of therapy, with his last visit over a year ago. We started couples therapy 6 years ago, from which we both began independent sessions. Now I'm the only one who's continued my work with my therapist. He felt he could "do better on his own". We've made the decision for him to just quit 2 of his jobs without anything else to move to because he was getting so bad. I'm a stay-at-home mom who works part time ever since our 7 year old entered Kindergarten. I too have an engineering degree, so we've looked into me going back to full time work but every time I've gotten an offer, we've evaluated our lives and our goals and decided to pass. While I'm thankful for my husbands support, he has a tendency to flip the anger to me in especially dark times, as if I'm not "saving" him by getting a job. But then he's not happy with any of the jobs I'm offered. He wants me to negotiate a sweeter life with more $$ and less hours. Forgetting that I've been out of the career game for 7 years and that means I'll have to start again lower on the totem pole. (By the way, he wants me to negotiate for something he's not been able to get in any of the jobs he's had in the last 9 years - huh???) I love my husband and he is a great man and father. What is hard is when he gets so mad at me for not being "perfect" and not being able to fix things for him. Our latest fighting spree started over him being angry at me for not helping him with a project he has to do at work in order to receive a certification his company requires. While I do have an engineering degree, it's NOT electrical. Seriously, I'm supposed to help him with work projects in addition to doing EVERYTHING for the running of our house and family, running interference for him getting him out of social situations, giving him time to go to the gym and work out on the weekends, time to sit on the couch and watch movies in the middle of the day, not give him a hard time about sleeping till 10am every Sat & Sun when my daughter is up at 7am everyday?? He feels bad when I get so excited to go out to a social function - either with our without him. He wants me to be happy to spend time with just him and our daughter in the house. But all he wants to do is bemoan his life and the state of the world. Very few positives in life - not beautiful scenery or an amazing daughter or a supportive wife. He doesn't see why he should be wasting time on therapy right now. He sometimes leaves work in the middle of the day to go to the strip clubs down the street to relieve the anxiety. With regard to his situation of having to work in an environment we know he can't stand, he says he's like "an alcoholic who has to work in a bar" and I say "yes, and that's why you should be seeing a therapist - no recovered alcoholic would dare step into a bar without lots of AA meetings before and after and lots of conversations with their sponsor" but he still refuses. The most painful part is when he truly doubts that I am "on his team" and he feels I'm not supportive. My life is dominated by his troubles and I've had to work hard at "fixing" some of my own issues and give up things I've enjoyed and let go of dreams to stay by his side and support him. It's so good to see similar stories. I wish there were more answers for all of us.


Lynnette 5 years ago

I am new here also, but I was struck by Maureen's post. Do you think he is in the grips of a midlife crisis. I am going through an experience I never dreamed or hoped for. My husband of 20 years (always kind, sensitive and loving) has been abducted by an alien. In the past year and half he as been angry, irritible, rude, inconsiderate and tells me that it is "his time" now. After 6 months of his leaving every weekend for "time away" and putting up with his angry "shark eyes" when he came home for work everyday, I reached my limit and told him to get over it and let's work in things or he had to go. I shocked him, but he chose to leave. That was 9 months ago and he lived 4 months in hotel rooms and then finally rented a room (off someone's garage). He says there is no other woman and I belive this. He looks tired, and sad. After 5 months away, he called an said he needed to tell me something that he was tired of hiding... I took a deep breath and said ok. He said he had applied for a promotion at work (one we both felt he deserved and had paid his dues for) and had not only NOT been given an interview, but the position was filled while he was out of town working. AND the job was given to a prior employee that was also my husband's college classmate (My husband graduated 1st in class, the other guy 2nd) They have always rubbed each other the wrong way. Any way, this is the news he was "Tired" of hiding. I know how much this hurt his pride and sense of success, but I still can't imagine how he has allowed this loss to paralyze him. But here we are...he had begun drinking beer every nite (while at home..sometimes at 2am in the morning) He has continued the drinking..and sometimes has moments of clarity. He came by one morning to see our 11 yr old son before he left for a 2week out of town job project and asked me if I loved him...I said yes and he reached out, took me in his arms and said he loved me too. I kept things light and got our son out of bed to see him off. He texted me his hotel room and location later that night which surprised me because I only recently found out where he lived. He called the next day and gave me details about his work. Not another word since. Last Thur I received a text that said good morning. I text back "good morning" That is it. The best advice I can give anyone on this kind of roller coaster ride it to DETACH with love. I tell my husband I love him, but I continue with my life. I exercise, take my son to football practice, karate and spend time with a close girlfriend who has been very supportive during this mess. I travel 100 miles to visit his and my family. We are from the same hometown. He has isolated himself from his family..he has just recently been talking with his brother, but doesn't like that brother tells him to "put down the alcohol so he can get his vision cleared andget out of the hole he is in" The amazing thing is he continues to support me and his 2 sons financially even after I told him if he wants a divorce..go ahead and file the papers. His paycheck still goes into our joint account, less enough money for his gas, food and rent. This coveres all our families expenses. I know this sounds like I am being taken advantage of, but in my heart I KNOW THE MAN INSIDE is in turmoil. He has always been so proud of our children and loves them terribly, but has not spoken to our 19 year old son in 8 months and has only seen our 10 year old when I invite or encourage him to participate in things.. watch a game, come to a karate, or football game. THIS CAN"T BE THE SAME MAN I MARRIED..I have read everying I can get my hands on and it all points to severe depression related to midlife crisis. he says things like "what is my purpose in life", When is "my time"? and is still nursing the anger about the job promotion.


Dolphin smile 4 years ago

It's great to read so many posts on such a private and personal subject.

I have been a wife for 21 years to a man I love with every bone in my body. I have 2 of the most amazing, beautiful children ( young adults now).

My husband is a very handsom man a once very successful sportsman, he has travelled the world loved life. Looking back to when I first met him all the things that I loved about him his manly sporting success and yet soft shy vulnerable side. The generous nature, the hand holder type of guy even with his friends.

It was only after 6 months of marriage firstly his desire towards me waived, he gave up his sport and with it his social group of friends. We did stuff together as I organised it. We had holidays because I booked them. We had children because I wanted them. I remember telling him after 3 yes of marriage I was pregnant he told me he would support me if I wanted to terminate. He then stayed sexually distant for years it's a miracle we have a 2 nd child! The sex issue should have been a signal to an underlying problem. I was young and ex swimwear model who'd had two kids, gone up a dress size and was sure that my "mummy" body repulsed him. Yes I talked, cried and rowed about it more times than i care to remember .Equally I was reassured by him usually in tears that he loved me. Our marriage was and is a silent one, with me planning and doing everything from kids, pets his work, my work, bills house. Now don't get me wrong " my husband is just a quiet man" "perhaps he's gay" " perhaps he loves me but doesn't fancy me" "perhaps he only wants me as a friend" "PERHAPS THIS IS ALL MY FAULT perhaps it's just me !"

To any onlookers we must have looked smug married . Amazing bright kids, I had a really successful business, a beautiful house, 2 well behaved dogs . The 6 months of 2010 gave me so many signs i chose to my regret to ignore . From his attending strip clubs, watching porn, being aggressive and confrontational .Then march 31 2010 a month before our 20th wedding anniversary I told him i need to feel wanted. How lonely I felt, how tired I was working to keep everything ticking over. Did he want out because I refused to spend another 10 years like this.

He told me sobbing he would change, he would do what ever it takes to make it all better.

The next morning we had coffee together he kissed me goodbye went to work. He called me at 10 as he had every work day for 20 yrs. Chatted about last night, how he'd got my daughters Reading festival ticket asked about my sons training that night. I reminded him to call his accountant "already done it" he replied. "I do love you" were his last words. He put the phone down sat in his van at our favourite view point and cut both

his wrists.

I will never forget the strange animal noise that came from my mouth when the policemen stood in my front room and told me. How he was alive (just) but in a very bad way.

2 days, 2 psychiatrists half hr assessment a 5 hours of reconstructive surgery. He was home. No medication,no counselling no nothing. He had a follow up appointment with a shrink and told them no meds, no more appointments.

20 months later, he is healed, working again.I have lost all bar 3 friends, we don't get invited to parties anymore, my kids have left home 1 to uni the other college both as far away as possible. My business had to close as people judge I mean she's a therapist why didn't she see it.

My husband has (looking back) always suffered from depression and probably always will . His depression has scared the people who love him the most. His depression is like a terminal cancer I no that it will without treatment possibly shorten his lifespan. His depression ultimately has ruined my future and that of my children. His depression means we will never own a house, we will never be able to borrow money. His depression is our curse, it's cost friendships, jobs, future hopes and dreams. His depression has nearly broken me and at that one time I wanted to curl up and fall apart I had to be their for him again.

I would love to shout at him, shake him, cry and scream at him. I've lost my kids my house my car my job to his depression. I know I should tell him how I feel how tough I'm finding it all, how I want to leave be on my own, be looked after and feel safe and loved.

but I don't because There's always the worry of what if he does it again !


Linda 4 years ago

I love my husband to bits and we have been together for 19 years, married 12. We have four children, three to him. We have had our ups and downs and I knew he suffered from depression. His mum and sister also do. He has never taken any medication and he has managed it very well over the years. I think, sitting here now, I have just covered it up because I have been so busy with the kids growing up. Now they are older, and times are getting harder, I have noticed he is getting worse. He is self employed and obviously work is drying up. I, thank goodness, work in a school and have a secure job. Over the last few weeks he has been talking about how better off I would be without him, how the life insurance would help me and the kids etc. Tonite, I actually lost it with him. I told him how I felt, how the kids would feel if he went through with his threats of suicide, how little I would think of him if he did it. I feel so alone and so isolated. I cannot talk to the kids, I cannot talk to friends, there needs to be a forum for us to thrash out our feelings. I even emailed the samaritans and they told me that they could do nothing for me. Why is it that the ones who are suffering from depression can get help if they want it but the ones who are on the other end of it cannot.

It has helped me tonite by ranting on here to women who have been through the same thing. Thankyou for listening.

xxx


mrmtinshreve 4 years ago

I am so glad to have found this site and to have an opportunity to vent my feelings. It is good to know that I am not alone in my struggle. I must say that you ladies are strong women. I have not endured nearly what many of you have shared about your lives. I have been married 16 years. My husband was diagnosed with depression/anxiety two years into our marriage. I tend to think he may have some manic tendencies too, however that manifest in his obessession with get rich quick schemes. At first, I did not realize what was really happening with my husband. Two years into our marriage, my husband developed chronic fatigue syndrome. He was tired all of the time and had to go on disability. I still do not know if it was real or in his head, but they could never find anything wrong with him. He was convinced it was caused by some chemicals he worked with. He was so hard to be around. The dark cloud everyone has described is completely real. It actually made me feel depressed to be around him. When he got over that, he finally finished his degree in computer science but took a job in finance selling loans. He quit that and began reasearching all this programs to make money. It always bothered me that he didn't just try to find a regular job. He would invest in programs, get super excited about it and then it would fade off. This drove me crazy because I felt so insecure about our future. He finally got another job at a bank and things seemed to be getting better but he was incredibly stressed out with it. During that time, I desperately wanted chidlren and was diagnosed with infertility. We tried and tried. The hardest thing was that I never felt any empathy or a shared burden from him. I think that is the hardest part about being married to someone so deep into themselves. It makes you feel so alone even though you are supposed to be married. With much prayer (on my part) we finally adopted a wonderful sweet baby. Our relationship however, has been downhill ever since. He never seemed to completely bond with our son and now he is eight years old. He wants to talk to him like a little adult. What our son needs is a father. I see other dads out playing ball with their kids, scrambling around. It's hit or miss with him depending on his mood and how tired he is. Last year things came to a head when I found pornography on his phone and also found he had been using marijuana to cope with his anxiety. He is moody and sometimes doesn't speak to his son when when he walks in the door. I know this seems mild, compared to what many of the others have shared, but this hurts and our son is very sensitive. I began homeschooling our son because he has ADHD and posibly high-functioning autism and wasn't coping well in school. This seemed to build up even more animosity in husband. Meanwhile, his irresponsible mismanagement of our finances has put us in over 300K worth of debt due to his attempts at building a "real estate empire." We are now in bankruptcy and I live constantly worrying about our finances but feeling helpless because my son needs me at home. I rarely say anything to him about this because he will just blow up. When we had come home from the bankruptcy hearing i had had it and vented a bit. And he became enraged, spewing profanity, and threw his handgun at the house just missing the glass storm door. (Yes he has a handgun which I protested to no avail. Thankfully our son did not see this event. Most recently I found he had been smoking marijuana again and it upset me so much as this is not anything I expected at this point in our lives. He got so mad that I confronted him that he used profanity and gave me "the finger." I'm standing there thinking.."did this just happen??" It's like being married to a toddler. He then accused me of being aware of my female problems (fibroids/endometriosis)prior to our marriage. Oh yes, he is very resentful for the lack of sex in our marriage. He too, has stated he is obsessed with sex and he masturbates quite regularly. I am exhausted with what feels like single parenting even though I'm married to a man who works maybe 2 days a week and gets more sleep than all of us put together. Holidays are a drag and he often sleeps through them. Beautiful weekends go by and he sleeps half the day. I'm beginning to think that with some men, depression is a habit and that they enjoy wallowing in their self-pity. Right now he is not speaking to me and he walked past our son 3 times today never acknowledging him. I worry about our sweet boy who is so full of life. Men with these problems should not marry and should not have children. They are incapable of giving of themselves. I may sound harsh but I'm at the end of my rope. I'm scared for our future and wondering if I need to jump ship. He is obviously so unhappy that it makes me want to relieve him of his burden. Life is just too hard for these men. I have never been in support of divorce but it is almost unbearable living so miserably. I fear it will only get worse. Thanks for listening.


Dee 4 years ago

Wow... Some of this is comforting some a little scary... I'm at the beginning of all this and I feel alone & helpless. My husband told me mid March that he wasn't happy in our marriage anymore- said he hasn't been for like the past 5 years. Ouch that hurt. We have been married for almost 14 years and have 3 children 10, 6, and under a year. I was thrown off guard even tho we argued frequently. He said he didn't know who he was anymore and also said he was scared he was gonna wake up one day & not know who he was. It all came out like it was about our marriage-- we r two different people, I controlled the whole marriage, I didn't want the same things as him, etc etc. He seemed very selfish (totally not like him) and he had been working out at the gym for about a year very heavily. He had seemed like he was always looking forward to leaving the house-- he had to run to walmart for this or go get gas in his truck or go work out often when it was time to get the kids in bed which is a chaotic time. I really wasn't getting attention anymore so when he brought all this up I was confused he quit kissing me good night years ago...now all this is my fault??? Anyway I cried many tears we tried to talk and everything turned to an argument & one day I would feel like he wanted to work on our marriage & the next day I felt like he didn't care at all. So he agreed to go to marriage counseling pessimistically & it seemed like forever before that appt got here. He had mentioned moving to his brothers & I was just crushed-- my heart was broken. For whatever reason I began looking up stuff online on the day of our appt... Saw some stuff on depression and began to realize maybe that's what this was--- I had originally thot midlife crisis. So our appt goes & she focuses on him having anxiety & depression. Since he needs his space and our home was giving him this anxiety it was decided he would move to his brothers for awhile. 3 weeks until he can get diagnosed & given mess, 2 weeks before he sees this therapist again and I am supposed to be STRONG & hold it all together for the kids. No problem right?? Learn how to understand this disease, how to b a single parent, & be happy all the while your world is being turned completely upside down & there is no need for me to be seen again until he is better. Which will b how long?? No one knows.. How long before he comes home?? Who knows?? I have cried & cried. He's been gone for one week now and there has only been one day I haven't cried. It's so hard. I've been reading all I can about it trying to understand but none of my friends understand... And this all happened right before his birthday. He has become very impatient & gets angry very easily. Nothing is positive although it looks like we have it all-- I thot we did. He can't answer any questions I have oh and we r not supposed to talk about any if this to each other according to therapist. I jave tried to b supportive but everyday I wonder how long will this take I'm supposed to be enjoying my life & my childrens( they r only little once) & I wonder if I stick it out with him what happens if when he gets better he decides our marriage is not worth saving & he thinks that's what made him this way.....I have realized this past week how much I do love him & the only thing I want to do when I'm with him is lay in his arms. Also the therapist wants him to come home each day & have dinner with us to keep things "as normal" as possible for the kids. He's been off & on different meds for awhile now but has never been consistent in taking them or given them full time to work. And he would drink sometimes which can affect them too. I have no idea how this will take or where it will lead us. All I can do is try to support him & hope we can get through this. It's very hard because it's like he has no feelings he's empty. In the time before our appt I would cry my eyes out and he would just sit there & stare at the wall when I said I wish I knew he loved me.... He never said a word to reassure me... I truly felt like we would b together forever & now I don't know what to think. I can only hope & pray the therapist & meds will work & work quickly. I will continue to post regularly as I'm going thru this now & hopefully it helps someone else or someone else will b able to help me.


starlight17 4 years ago

Wow I' m so pleased to have found this site! Been married for 20 years and my husband has been acting a bit odd for a few years but just didn't understand what was going on. Went to see a counsellor and she finally uncovered his depression so I dragged him to the doctor. This is all very new to me and it is so upsetting because he doesn't want anyone to know so that makes me feel very isolated. So helpful to read all your stories.


F1girl 4 years ago

Glad I found this page. I'm 49 yrs old, been married almost 24 yrs and have 2 children aged 21 and 19. Myself and my husband have had our ups and downs over the years but we have always talked and worked through things, he is a wonderful man and I could never imagine being with anyone else.

About 5 yrs ago he was diagnosed with depression, not majorly bad but enough for him to have day stay counselling at a local private hospital that included group sessions . He used to come home and talk about everyone else's issues and what the counsellors had talked about them tackling their issues BUT he never spoke about his experiences there. I pointed this out to him and he hadn't even realised he was doing this, I felt a bit excluded and hurt that I had supported him so much before this point. I just thought he would have shared some of it with me and actually been able to talk about his issues.

Anyway, everything turned out ok and we returned to being as happy as ever. The children were teenagers and that brings it's own issues but we stood together and our boys have turned out to be fine young men. It was a struggle sometimes but we supported each other totally.

Last year my husband turned 50 and I arranged a superb surprise gathering with our closest friends, there were other celebrations too and all in all we had a fabulous year that also included our children being 18 and 21 and our youngest son going off to university. Then suddenly about 3 months ago he told me that he was feeling depressed again, I was knocked sideways as I hadn't noticed anything out of character at all, he seemed very happy.

So we talked and made a decision that if he wasn't feeling much better in 3 months then he would go to our doctor to be referred for some more counselling. He did say to me that I was the most positive person he knows and that is very true, I always see each day as a new day and try to get on with things rather than dwell too much on things that are in the past. I guess I am an eternal optimist but that is being a bit tested at the moment.

I have been feeling a bit reflective in the last few days, it has made me realise that as well as working and looking after the home I am holding everything together. Our children come to me for almost everything, my husband doesn't make many decisions without consulting me first, our social life is arranged mostly by me, just everything comes to me. I also began to reflect on all the things we said we would do when our son went to uni including getting our sex lift back on track - the teenage years played havoc with that! Needless to say that hasn't happened despite having loads of time alone together. So that just makes me think he doesn't want me in that way, that has made me feel terrible as I've just finished the menopause (I'm 49 yrs old), I've put on weight and also have health issues that have l eft me on medication for the rest of my life that has also made me put on weight. So double whammy for me, I'm trying my hardest to counter this by getting fit, if I have to be larger then I will at least tone everything up.

So I feel very down. I feel like my life is stagnating, we talk about watching the sun rise and going star gazing one night but it never happens. He seems tired a lot of the time and so I don't suggest doing these things. I love my husband dearly and he really is my hero, I can't imagine being with any one else, I want to be with him but I want to live life. Maybe as I've had debilitating health problems it has made me appreciate being young enough to still live life to the full?

I know that I need to pick myself up and get on with things but feel as though I just want to sit and wallow for a while. Maybe I should just get up and go and watch the sun rise on my own but I know it wouldn't be the same without him there. I just want my husband to be well.


Ter 4 years ago

I have been married for 27 years together for 30, we have 5 children and 3 grandchildren. About a year and a half ago my husband came home from a business trip and seemed very withdrawn started going into the family room shutting the door and staying up until 2am in the morning on facebook. He had been on paxil for 2 years and he told me he was devoid of all emotions and had no feelings for me and loved his children but not the way a father should. We went on like this for 6 months with him sleeping all day and i was working full time taking care of 2 houses, the yardwork and the children. Finally i had just had enough and asked him to move out. He found an apartment and was gone within a month. I didn't contact him or visit him, however he called me everyday and came over every weekend for about 15 minutes and then went home and sat in his apartment all day and night alone. the whole time now he has been seeing a councelor and a pychiatrist who has now put him on Celexa he has good days and bad days when he visits now he doesn't stay long because he doesn't like the noise. He decided about 2 months ago he was going to move back home because his lease was up in September, he started packing and moved majority of his things home but kept his bed and tv over at the apartment until his lease runs up in a couple of days. He is now saying he doesn't think he is ready to come back he likes being alone and he doesn't like noise. He tells me all the time that he loves me but is not in love with me has no feelings at all. I told him if he wanted a divorce i would be ok with that because i can't live like this anymore. He does not like anyone to touch him and has not been effectionate for 1 1/2 years. All he wants to do is sit in a room alone with no noise. The kids don't want him back my 14 year old keeps telling me that he hates him. He pays no attention to the kids. I am emotionally and physically drained i feel like i have been on a roller coaster ride for almost 2 years now and i don't see it getting better. I want to help him but he won't do anything to help himself. He will be home in 2 days and i don't think i am ready for this. There are days i wake up and i just want to divorce him and walk away and start a new life but i know he can't make it on his own he never could. I just want my life back to the way it used to be when we were happy together but i can't see that happening anytime soon.


Angela 4 years ago

My husband has his own business which is miserably sinking yet he refuses to give it up. He was having an affair behind my back and walked out on me after I asked him to stop his drinking and late night partying. He then tried to commit suicide and thats when I felt so sorry for him and realised he was suffering from depression, anxiety and insomnia. I then for months stood by him, although he told me he could not live with me and the kids until he got better. I have just realised that he is not gonna change and I need to move on, its so very hard though as I feel I ma breaking up the family, but I feel some people are on a self destructive path and nothing you do can help. I hope I am doing the right thing but I need to put the kids first and try to start again for their sake,.


Doreen 3 years ago

So reading all these posts, I find a little or alot of my life in each of them. I am so tired of always trying to stay positive; being forgiving, putting up with the silence that is so abussive. (I am not perfect either), but to live in the silence of depressions is the most horrible experience I can imagine. I feel so dragged down. I find that I fight with my weight and the weight is the depression dragging me down. I have so many hopes and dreams for us. I want to talk about things and all I have is this 200# sarcastic lug that lies on the couch watching reality shows and every one elses live. He can't see his own just passing him by every day. I am not allowed to say a word. He is always angry at someone and mostly it's me. I am so tired of feeling stupid or being told just how silly or ignorant I am. I even went and got a college education to prove I'm not stupid.....(is that co-dependent or what). It just got me a better job and now he really hates me because I have a better job.....

My husband will go two months without talking to me. He just lies on the couch. When he is "in a good mood" I have to hear about how stupid every one he works with is and how smart he is. Then he is out of work and I am working year round. I am the medical benefits, I have the paid time off, I have the regular schedule. I have the job I hate but can't leave. He has a job with no benefits and can just quit anytime. I am so tempted to just quit and tell him it's not my problem, but I realize that with or without him I would have to work so I'd be cutting my nose off to spite my face.

I couldn't believe how similar all these stories are. My husband is undiagnosed for depression because he won't address it. When he is depressed, he would freak out if I pointed it out. When he is on his 'high' side, He would say I'm ridiculous for saying I think he is depressed.

We have had company for dinner and in the middle of dinner I think he has gone to the bathroom but he hasn't. ....he gets up and just goes to bed. He realizes he doesn't want to be there and just leaves me with the people at our table. I can never have anyone over. I feel so invisible, stupid and isolated. I can't take it any more.

If I try to talk to him he tells me to shut the *F.........up! I've never had anyone talk to me like that. But he means it... if he says that, he will than not talk to me for 2 months. He just lays on the couch watching TV constantly or sleeping. I can't believe how awful depression is. I always thought he was depressed but after reading everyone's posts, I know my gut has been right.

He ruins Christmas every year for the kids. He is so miserable. He won't even let me plug in the tree. He won't put up a light outside or hang a wreath. I saw the signs before we were married but didn't realize it then. He was angry then but I had no experience and didn't know what was going on. Now it's 21 years later and I don't know what to do.....I'm so sad and he has dragged me to the bottom of the muddy pond with him. ( I swore I would never let him but it's happened)....


Mamapete 3 years ago

Reading all these comments makes me finally realize I am not alone. My husband has been diagnosed depressed with ADHD low t ect and has been on medication since I ment him 10 years ago. He is also a recovering alcoholic and former drug user (way before he met me). We have 3 children together 10, 4 and 2. He is constantly angry at the world. Most of the time me. I am to blame for everything that goes wrong in his life and any tiny thing will set him off. He sleeps all the time when he's not working or he is on his laptop. He has no desire for me intimately anymore. I believe he has an issue with Internet porn as well. I am lost. I can't leave. I am a stay at home mom and will not be able to divorce him and trust any kind of shared custody with him. My girls need me . Everyday of their lives. Sometimes he is ok and life is "quiet" but so often I am on pins and needles worried about what I might do next to set him off.. Then he manipulates everything and blames it on me... Even if he makes a wrong turn it is my fault. I am trying to make the best of what I have and am thankful he works full time so he's gone during the day. I do plan on leaving someday when my girls get older. That might sound wrong, but i have fallen out of love. I want any suggestions anyone might have to help me feel better about the way I should handle things.


Nikki Lucy 3 years ago

Hey, just found this blog tonight...

I have been with my husband for almost 17 years. I knew he struggled with depression from the get go, but truly had absolutely NO idea what that really meant. I just thought he wasn't happy for various reasons.

Over the years he has been on different meds and sometimes up to 4 different meds either for depression or doubling up on trying to help the depression and a few for side affects from the first two. It got to a point where he just up and decided one day that he didn't want to take them anymore and stopped. Things seems better for a long period of time but then they started going down hill quickly. He started back on the roller coaster of trying to find the right meds, which results in anger, rage, sobbing and so much more. He had horrible abuse and was even abducted as a child and I can't even imagine the pain he feels inside or even the things that seem to haunt him. We have a good life, we have children, we are all healthy, he has a good job, we are happy..or one would think so...The past two years have been like hell. Every season we go through, I think I can't believe that I made it through. I think, if we got through that, we can get through anything. And then when the next stormy season comes, I feel...ugh. I feel overwhelmed and alone.

About a year ago, I a came across a book called, "I'm Ok, You're OK". It really helped me to open my eyes to what my spouse was going through. I still can't even fathom that I have a clue, but it gave me some insight that really opened some doors of understanding for me, in regard to his depression and how I was dealing with it or handling it.

My husband has been in the hospital more times in the past two years, that I have come to dread it. He is going to a therapist and feels like it is helping and all I think about is that it will some day end. But, what I am coming to realize is that it was here in the beginning before me, it may be here for the rest of my life or until he potentially ends up ending his own life. And I fricking hate saying that, to the point that it makes me tear up as I cry...but I have come to realize that it is a possibility and I can't constantly worry about him taking his life. I have to remember that I will love him where we are now, but I have to also remember that my life will not end, if he takes his own. That has been huge for me. It feels terrible to think or say and I know it would be hard but I can't live my life worrying that he will take his. Two weeks ago, his mother passed away. She was part of the cause of his depression, from childhood, that he has been trying to work through for the past 2 years. Having things unresolved seems to have only made things worse. He is on blood thinners for health reasons and over the past 4 days, took a months worth. He is again, in the hospital.

I am at a completely different state of mind than I was just 2 years ago.

I know that it isn't my fault. I don't apologize for who I am, anymore.

I am caring and love him with only good intentions.

I had to tell him that I needed him to remember that when he gets angry with me for things I say. To remember that I love him and only have good intentions toward him, that I am not out to get him.

For a time I was getting sucked into the depression and thought about taking my own life, just so it would flipping end. I didn't think I could take anymore. I was walking on eggshells with everything I said or did. It wasn't right and I always felt like I was doing something wrong.

I am a good person. I have tolerated a lot, had my buttons pushed, acted out and have grown so much these past two years as to how I see the world around me. My relationship, is what it is.

I am real with my children about what is going on.

I ask my husband, when things come happen, what he would like me to tell them. But he also knows that I am very open with them and I want them to know what is happening. Hell, what if one of them ends up feeling or being depressed one day? I want them to know that if they are depressed, it's ok to get help and that it is nothing to be embarrassed of or afraid to ask for that help. They see their dad struggle, they say why did he take too much medication? Was it on purpose? He went to the hospital? Did he go there because he knew they would help him?

Some answers, I have to tell them, that I just don't know. But they need to know that he is trying to help himself. They need to know that there are steps that one can take to get that help.

I love that someone in one of the strands up above commented about not letting or allowing the spouse to be angry to the point where the kids have to walk on eggshells. I think that is fricking brilliant!!! I am so going to stop that shit when he gets home. It isn't fair to them. When we have a bad day, I tell the kids that just because I am having a bad day doesn't mean I get to take it out on them by being rude and that it isn't ok for them to do it to me. But here I am, trying to sugar coat when he gets snippety with them for just being people, i.e. eating, breathing, opening a package, talking, moving...anything. And I will put my hand on his leg, to let him know he is being harsh or give a glance of kindness so that he stops and it has gotten better but it is the same thing I am asking them not to do...So good thoughts there.

Sorry I have gone on for so long. I am tired of feeling alone. People don't understand and they do say, why can't they just be happy and realize they have a good life and live for the now or just snap out of it...And I think to myself...DO YOU REALLY THINK I HAVEN'T THOUGHT THAT A MILLION TIMES MYSELF? But the truth is, it just isn't a reality. Not for this situation anyway. I'll end on this note...He told me today that he thinks one of the reasons he hurts himself is so that others can see how much he is truly hurting inside.

Because otherwise they think he is fine. Because he seems fine, seems happy, seems ok. It made my head spin.


anna 3 years ago

Hello i am Anna ,I am out here to spreed this good news to the entire world on how i got my ex love back.I was going crazy when Jean left me for another girl two months ago,But when i meet a friend that introduce me to Therapist Oniha the great messenger to the oracle that he serve,I narrated my problem to Therapist Oniha about how Jean left me and also how i needed to get a job in a very big company.He only said to me that i have come to the right place were i will be

getting my heart desire without any side effect.He told me what i need to do,After it was been done,In the next 2 days,jean my love call me on the phone and was saying sorry for living me before now and also in the next one week after Jean my love call me to be pleading for forgiveness,I was called for interview in my desired company were i needed to work as the managing director..I am so happy and overwhelmed that i have to tell this to the entire world to contact Therapist Oniha at the following email address and get all your problem solve..No problem is too big for him to solve..Contact him direct on winexbackspell@gmail.com . and get

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Melissa 2 years ago

This is my first time blogging. All of these stories are very similar to mine. My husband is extremely depressed. During the last year he has had to battle some health problems and it started to spiral out of control from there. I finally got him to see someone and start in medication. He has his ups and downs. He recently quit his job so at the moment I am the primary income. So yes that is now my title to get blamed for everything when he is having a bad day. On top of that my husband also has PTSD. A year of this is really wearing on me. I am trying to support and run a household of 5 people never knowing what he is going to do or say. I can not be feel like I cannot talk to him anymore about important issues. One minute he might be fine the next he is yelling putting me down and then won't talk to me for 3 days to a week. I am mentally exhausted . Now the holidays are coming we have no money for gifts for our children and I was just blamed for miss spending. It takes all my income to pay the bills and buy groceries. There is nothing left. I am so tired. I am trying to be strong but .....


drowning 2 years ago

Hi

I have never written on a blog before, i am drowning and i need help. After reading a lot of these post i now don't feel alone.

I have been married for 7 years and have 2 beautiful daughters 4 yrs and 9months. My husband has had depression most of his life but started medication a few years ago.

His business is failing which is making him feel useless. The worse he feels the less he does so all he does is sleep. Every arrangement we have i either go alone or cancel. He gets into moods where he does nothing, he certainly can't cope with the girls or crying. Each month is a struggle to make ends meet, i have an online business where i work till 2am every day to build my business as he just sleeps. I look after both girls, drive my 4 year old to school, look after the baby, clean the house, pay the bills, pay the mortgage and run the house.

I love my husband and when he is good he is amazing but right now i feel like a single parent and i am really drowning. Today for the first time in months we we on the way to a friends and as we were driving he lost it because i was too slow in turning a corner, we ended up driving back home not turning up at out friends.

We have no life, we don't go anywhere, he has no self love yet all that meet him think he is great . I think of leaving him everyday but if i did he would have nothing, to much pride to go to a friend and doesn't get on with his folks. it breaks my heart think of what will become of him, i try to understand but the worse he gets the worse he takes things out on me and right now i am being destroyed.


conflicted 2 years ago

I have been married to my husband for 30 years. We have 3 wonderful children ages 24, 23 and 18. Shortly after having my first child my husband confessed to an affair during my pregnancy. I was devastated but decided to stay with him. I loved him so much I thought we could put it behind us. I had a second child soon after and life became hectic working and caring for 2 children. We had a good life but he always had episodes of extreme anger, he had been physically abusive before we had children but had never later a hand on me after we had children. I think part of it was because I did to an extent walk on eggshells not to upset him for fear of the abuse starting again. A third child came 7 years later an d life was good. A year later my father passed away and I had to leave the country suddenly for his funeral service. My husband didn't want me to leave but I did. This left him to care for my children alone for 9 days.

This was the beginning of his depressed state. He started feeling sad and would start crying. I would hold him and try to comfort him. I felt so bad for him....this went on for some time until he started to spiral to a lower state. We went to counseling and found out that he had always felt some kind of sadness, even as a child. He blamed my abrupt absence during my fathers passing as the trigger for setting off the severe depression.

My children are older now. Through the years he has lashed out in anger at them. They too have walked on eggshells. They rarely ever had friends over. I was the one they came to for things. They were afraid of their fathers unexpected reactions.

I have now dealt with this dark shadow for over 14 years. Numerous medications, therapy, hospital visits and absolutely nothing can bring him out of this state. He now does a few things around the house when he may feel good but most days are spent watching tv, sleeping or just sitting in the dark staring at the wall.

I feel empty inside. I no longer have empathy for him. I resent him. I want to leave but fear for what he may do.I resent him for the affair so long ago.

He no longer works. He is on disability pay. I work but have never made alot of money so meeting our financial needs is difficult.

My children still live at home..... sometimes I think so as not to leave me alone with him. They are different human beings because of the way their life has been. They used to be the happiest little children. Those smiles are gone and I worry for their future. Will they one day have deal with this monster? I hope not,

Should I have left many years ago and not subjected my children to this????


Ally 2 years ago

Wow so many amazing women living my life. I have been married 15 year with a 3 month breaking in the middle. We have two amazing sons. Over the years my husband has been getting more frequent bouts of depression. Talking to his mother there were episodes through his childhood he would say he had headaches investigated no cause which meant he would step out of life and retreat to his bedroom. He took medication about 5 years ago and was ok for a while then he was just "blah"no up no down. He took himself off. Now what was bouts is constant. It's the anger I am over. ( not violent) I can not afford to leave. What he does project how he is feeling on to me. He is unable say I feel ...... He says you are ....... I use to get upset. I don't anymore. There is no talking to him when he's like this. It's the egg shells we constantly walk on. If he had cancer I would care for him, this is a disease, I need to care. No one understands. I can't talk to any of my friends they judge they don't love him. I know they think I should leave. I worry about my boys. He is very jealous of my relationship with our oldest son. I think that this is because there where some issues with his mum. She has always favoured his other two brothers and he has never been able to please her. What I do know is something has got to give. I am sure it affecting his job now. I run round consitantly making up for his short comings. I am both Mum and Dad for the kids. This is such a lonely existance. Sometimes I just want to shout what about me.

xxxx


jmsle 2 years ago

Hey I am so glad to finally find someone who understands. I don't know how to deal with my husband's depression. It started before I was even in his life I guess. He said he has always felt this way but is getting worse as he gets older, we are in our mid 30's and live like very old people. We don't have a social life. He won't even go to church with me. On top of depression he has fibromyalgia and a social anxiety disorder of sorts. I work in the medical field and know there is a problem and that there might be something to fix it. I have asked him to go to a new doctor who specializes in depression and he has a fit thinking about meeting a new person. We have 4 children, 18, 10, 7, and 3mo. I work full time and try to keep the house clean. I am running on empty. He has me deal with all our finances as in his words, "people like you better than me". If something happens to disrupt plans he has a total meltdown. For instance we ran out of sliced cheese so he couldn't make his hotdish and he couldn't even think straight. All he could do was pout. I am so tired and lonely. I miss my best friend. We used to play racquetball, go for walks, stay up late playing wii games. Now he goes to bed and we don't spend any alone time together anymore. Sex is almost nonexistant.

I try to spend extra quality time with the kids so they don't suffer from his depression but I know this is not something I can protect them from. They know something is wrong with dad. I am so TIRED!!! What can I do to keep my naturally cheerful disposition from being completely destroyed? I love my husband so separation or divorce is not an option.

Jess


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Tracilmiller 2 years ago

I wish I had found this site months ago. I'm in the exact same situation and have felt so alone for all of these months. I am now depressed and feel like I'm sinking faster than my husband but also have 3 kids I have to be strong for


vicky 2 years ago

A couple of weeks ago I was in a dark period in my life, the man I love to bits had gone off with someone else, that was when I was told about this Esango Priest. Well he told me he could see that we would get back together that gave me hope, and he was right, because this week we have moved in with each other and we are so happy. A big thank you to Esango Priest. If you are in need of an angel please get in touch with my Esango Priest via email:esangopriest@gmail.com


Laura 20 months ago

My husband and I have been together for 11 years. Have three kids. Since we got married there had t been much happiness in our marriage. In fact hardly any sex it's actually surprising that I got pregnant the last two times. Husband always says he loves me etc and I everything to him. But I find if hard to believe I can be everything when he rarely speaks to me. He has suffered from depression and anxiety since I known him but because we hard tk talk and do things together we got through it and I felt involved in the cure. Ten years later, many meds later, many counselling sessions later, I feel I am living a constant roller coaster of ups and downs and lots if unhappiness. That's for both him and me. I realise that no matter how much medication or counselling etc will never make us the couple we were. It's made me resentful that I have lost my friend and feel so lonely and isolated. He has made me this way. I think he needs someone but that's not me anymore. I can't live a half happy relationship anymore. He's a very lovely man when he's not depressed. He also had medical conditions that make him miserable. Fibromyalgia and arthritis and other issues that cause pain. After ten years it's hit me like a bolt out of the ballon that this will never resolve. The only option is to leave. I am worried about how I will financially manage, as my wage is poor. I am worried he won't bother with the kids and will stay in bed all day and night if I leave. He's not a bad man at all. He's never hit me. He has terrible tempers that the kids see, but he has never hit any of us.


Brandi 20 months ago

My husband and I have been together for almost 5 years, and married for a little over 2. I am step mother to his three children. He has certainly had his fair shake of rough times, especially with the divorce from his ex-wife. I knew he had some coping issues when we first met, but lately he just can't seem to see the bright side of anything and the littlest things seem to drive him into a deep dark hole and it takes him days to come out of it. I have tried to encourage him to see the doctor about taking some anti-depressants, but he refuses. But, in the meantime our marriage is suffering. I have had a rough go of things too and I need his emotional support, but he even admitted to me that he can't give me what I need until he figures out how to be happy himself. I am so lonely. And to me, it is torture to have this person you love so deeply within your grasp but yet they are so far away!!! I almost would rather be alone, but I love him and I just want what we had the first few years of our relationship back. When he loved me with such fervor and effort life was amazing. I am doing the best I can to support him and be there for him, help take care of the kids and the house. I also work a very stressful job with lots of extra hours and I am exhausted all the time. I have no idea what to do...


Ken Manwell 20 months ago

Hello!

My name is Ken I am 87 years young. My high school sweetheart, wife, mother of 4, grandmother of 6 and great grandmother of 8 passed away on May 5, 2007. It has been next month 8 yrs. In that 8 yrs my youngest daughter I have seen maybe 7 times and that was very rude conversation from her. She has 1 son and beautiful wife after my lovely wife's death he has 2 sons I have seen the oldest one when he was a baby they never told me they were going to have a child and a son maybe 1 now I have never seen. This has been 8 years May


maiam22 16 months ago

I am glad to find this site as I can relate to the many stories posted.

My husband and I have been married for almost 16 years, we have a son and daughter, 14 and 12. My husband is an engineer in the chemical/oil/gas industry. His dream has always to be "someone big" and in the role of project manager.

His depression started last year. His industry is very volatile and through no fault of his own 3 different companies he was with were bought and sold and all jobs eliminated. Through each layoff he received positive reviews and a decent severance but he feels that God is not hearing his pleas for help, and that the positive reviews were given out of pity. He has always had this dream that one day he will "be important" and be a project manager yet the position is always taken away from him. Last December he took a high-paying, amazing project manager position with a very large company. Unfortunately it was just at the time that the oil industry started going bust and the project he was given (which had already been started months earlier before his hiring) was immediately expanded as a 'company-saving" endeavor. For the past 4 months he has essentially lived in another state and given everything for this project which has had so many delays due to things outside of his control. His anxiety started to increase to full-blown darkness when talks of an inevitable "reorganization" in his company surfaced.For the past few months he will feel better but the black cloud will come over him again. Just yesterday he was informed that while he wasn't losing his job, he was losing the title of project manager, again a failure of his "dream". He cannot stop sobbing and I am at a loss at what to do. He had to re-schedule an appointment with a counselor because he is still stuck in this other state on this project.

The fact is that while my husband has worked hard, I don't know if he really has the qualities necessary for his dream job. In a way he cares too much for other people's feelings and gets caught up in too much drama. In reality he doesn't even like the role of project manager, only the status that comes with it. I wish he could be realistic about what really makes him happy.

It has been so hard being the one who is expected to keep it all together. I stay home as his work travels would make it almost impossible for me to work in my former career as a teacher (not to mention the cost of re-doing my license is very prohibitive for a job that has very dismal pay). So I feel I have little to say when it comes to his career moves. I grew up in a tumultuous household where no one cared about my feelings so I am particularly protective with my kids from this darkness. In a way I feel resentment. He has always put his "dream job" at the top of his priorities. He claims that "it's for the family" when really we'd rather just have him happy and home at night. I feel that his job obsession is selfish. He is irritable and snappy at the kids, and I have to run interference. He has all of these unrealistic expectations for himself at home too and as a result has many unfinished projects. Our house is a mess as a result which makes him feel more like a failure It is not fair that my kids are being raised with the same gloom as I was raised in. I also feel so shackled by his depression and feelings of failure and uselessness. I can't share with him how I really feel as it would only compound those feelings so instead I have to be strong and hide them. I am on an emotional rollercoaster as I feel happy when he is happy but my mood darkens with his. I have no control over my own happiness because of this.

I feel bad too that we are losing precious time in making happy memories with out kids. With each job change comes a year of having to "prove oneself" before feeling free to take time off which means we rarely have time for a vacation. In the past 5 years we have only gone on 2 vacations, and both times they had to be rescheduled due to his work projects. I feel resentment knowing that our kids will soon be out of the house while my husband continues his quest for personal fulfillment in his career.

I


Workingmama2 15 months ago

My husbands depression has its own zipcode. It's big, ugly and it's ruining my life.

The irony is I always thought it was my fault..that I caused his anger and pain...but after this past year I think it's all hit me. It's depression and it's not getting better. I'm a mom of 4,I work full time and I run our household. I pay the bills,make the meals, plan the schedules and take care of all household chores. My children are young but are all starting to see the signs of my husbands depression.

I try my best to shelter them but it's getting harder as time progresses.

My husband always had trouble dealing with stress. He works hide bills, debt from me and pretend it didn't exist. He stopped paying medical bills (because that is what society wants us to do) and often thinks that the government is watching him. He is anti social media/vaccines/ and thinks all media is propaganda. He has unexplainable body pains. He can't get out of bed in the morning. He sleeps until noon on weekends and gets up to eat and goes back to bed until 4. He has battled addiction to opiates and lied to me about prescription drug abuse. He feels horrible each day he wakes up and makes everyone in the house miserable. He thinks he looks terrible in everything we wears and yells at me for not telling him he looks "stupid". "How could you let me wear this? I look so horrible". He tells me all I do is bitch at him..but most tasks I ask help with are not finished. My boys room is half pink half blue as he gave up painting it months ago.

He tries to be a good father it often yells at the kids. He has no patience. After my 4th c section we came home and I went to the park with the kids while he slept. His foot hurt. (He claimed )

He refuses to take antidepressants He is looses his shit when I beg him too. He thinks it will alter his inner self and he thinks it's poison. A huge fight happens if you even ask and it's not worth the fight that ensues.

I'm so sick of being let down. I'm so tired. I'm terrified. I'm lonely. I have to keep it together for my children and I just want to cry and scream. But instead I freeze casseroles, go to PTA meetings, do it all --without showing I'm sinking. At what point to you say you have had enough? I feel like a saddist. Like I like pain he causes me..

I keep letting him cut deeper.

Depression is awful. It changes hearts, it clouds judgement and it makes fairytales into tragedies. I keep thinking it will change...but who am I kidding. Its time to make the choice to stay or go. Why is it so freaking hard.


Dimple 15 months ago

I am too stunned to say anything. My husband of 15 years has been showing the mood swings, disinterest and anger bursts quiet frequently for quiet some time.

Till now, I had been constantly blaming myself and even thought of suicide today morning to make him happier without me.

I wanted to improve the situation we are in and accidentally I bumped on this site. I am shocked that his situation may be that of depression as he's suffering with Crohn's for a long time.

I am feeling more sympathetic towards him but I know if I suggest him medication for depression, he and his family will never agree. They may rather get more angry on me or may blame me further.

Well, I'll introspect more. May be I could find some solution.

Thanks for sharing your situation. It gave me support to find a solution.


Christine 7 months ago

I am so happy to have found this page. This is our second major battle with depression. Instead of two young children now we have three kids 9,13, and 16. I and trying to hold it together in spite of everything else that comes along with "normal" family life.

There always seems to be a catalyst. 10 years ago it was work, 3 years ago it was work/money in which I made a big sacrifice to make things OK. Now it is Money, work and the loss of his father. That's stressful for someone who doesn't suffer from anxiety and depression.

I feel like I have been better dealing with this, now I feel distan and have was up as to protect my self and kids. I really don't know what to do or say anymore.

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