First Date Don'ts: Leaving Children, Exie and ME at Home
How very fun! He viewed your profile; you read his over carefully and responded to his introductory message. You have a lot of shared interests; you noted several differences but no deal breakers. He looks cute in his picture. He is graying at the temples and has nice laugh lines around his eyes. Of course you pause for a moment to consider how unfair it is that graying hair and wrinkles are attractive on a man... Oh well! You exchange e-mails; the more you write to him the more appealing he becomes. He has a nice, witty writing style. You discover that he is all the more fun when you finally exchange telephone numbers. He seems to like you in return. So you schedule the first meeting. It is in your favorite local hot spot. He is there when you arrive and you quickly make introductions, order a glass of wine and hors d'oeuvres, and settle down for a nice chat. He truly is even more pleasant in person than you had dreamed was possible. You become nervous and wonder what to talk about. Whereas I can not advise you on what to talk about, I can give hints on what not to talk about. The men I interviewed unanimously agreed on the top three second date killers! These topics include:
I know every mother's child is a genius; my children certainly score at the genius level on every test written to measure such an attribute. They are pretty and charming and gifted, as well. Your children are, too. Every mother knows that every other woman on the planet is jealous of her children. Get the point? We all love our children and we think they are rather special. Your date, however, might have a different opinion. Hopefully he will like your children when he meets them. For now, however, your date wants to enjoy a lively exchange with you without your children. A sufficient amount of child information is, "I have three children, one daughter and two sons. My daughter has graduated from the university both of my sons are still attending the university." If your date asks for more information then briefly answer his questions and do not hide behind your children. Let your own light shine. It is probably a very nice light.
Most of us do have an Exie by the time we reach our forties and there is a time and a place for Exie contemplation but he does not belong on a date with McDreamy! Whereas we do need to be honest about our pasts, we do not need to vent our rage on a date. In fact, if you still feel rage and have a deep need to talk about Exie, maybe now is not the time to date. Let the wounds heal until you can date without bringing Exie along. This is a time to get to know that nice man you have been conversing with via e-mails and the long phone conversations. Let yourself enjoy the evening. Let Exie fend for himself! Ask yourself if you want him to drag you along on his dates. Hmm? Do you?
Me! I want to talk about me!
Yes, your date will want to know more about you. On the other hand, don't you want to know something about him? Make it your practice to ask him more questions about his interests, his thoughts and his opinions than he asks about you. Our tendency is to have a favorite topic: ME! When we get into the ME rut, however, our talk too often turns into a boastful litany of our own gifts, beauty, brains, education etc. Honestly! If we really are these things then they will slowly reveal themselves and McDreamy can't help but notice. Relax. Let your nice qualities slowly show themselves as you are concentrating on getting to know his nice qualities. The more you notice him, the more he will notice you.
I do hope you enjoy your first date. Relax. Have fun and leave the children, Exie, and ME behind. You are the one he wants to meet.
- Online Dating and You
I am amused to read the many online dating profiles that begin with, “I have never done this before.” It sounds rather apologetic and not very confident. You might be surprised at the people who post profiles. You posted and you are pretty nice!
More by this Author
Abuse is like a thief in the night seeking to destroy, plunder, and devastate its victims. It causes intense emotional, mental, and physical damage. Some abuse happens behind closed doors while other forms are best...