A Hilarious Guide to Facebook Friend Requests

Facebook is an odd and mysterious creature. To some, the social networking giant is a way to keep in touch with what's going on and having everyone you know at your fingertips. Well, the Internet is a creature in of it's own and when it is combined in a melting pot with your social life there are bound to be horrible consequences.

Here is a guide to aid you in friend selection to make your life easier:

1) the girl from high school that gave you a hard time.

I always add these because it makes me feel better when you find a picture where they're much heavier than before. Jackpot if they've given birth four times within the last five years, married their highschool sweet heart promptly followed by divorce, obviously hooked on Oxycontin or still work at mcdonalds 10 years later.

Life is so cruel sometimes.
Life is so cruel sometimes.

2) the guy you've never met but share 115 friends in common.

You are dead positive that you've never met them before but it seems that, according to the laws of the universe, you should have met a billion times and have become best buddies. He's adding you because he has heard about you through cute anecdotes from friends and after having your name repeated and drilled into his brains he is sure that you've met and are kindred spirits. Don't add him until you meet him, don't perpetuate the lie that you're actually friends because every time you see an update from this guy you'll have the momentary "Wait, who the hell is that... oh right, that guy" moment followed by guilt for tainting your friend's list.

3) The "Hey, you look hot" creepy, old man.

If you look through his friends list, every person on his list either shows a bit too much cleavage in their photos or are just down right camera whores. Usually, the perp is at least 20-30 years older than everyone on his list and most of his wall posts consists of "who the hell is this?" and "HOW DID YOU FIND OUT WHERE I LIVE?". You shouldn't add him, he just needs to have some one tell him that Pornotube is a free service that can scratch that itch in a way that facebook cannot.

Facebook: A great way to meet people that are registered sex offenders.
Facebook: A great way to meet people that are registered sex offenders.

4) The bleeding heart.

 She's a girl you've met once during a rally at the university for saving the [insert over-farmed animal here]... that you weren't really attending, you just needed to get to the other side to get a big greasy cheeseburger. This is the girl that you don't think twice about adding as a friend because you think "What's the harm?" WELL, what you should have known is that facebook isn't just a social network site for her but is really a way to let every one know about every cause known to man in the form of group invites. It will become obvious when you log in and have 13 invites to random causes ranging from "Save the fruit fly" to, but not limited to, "Stop the gross mistreatment of grass in suburban areas". 

PETA! You should be ashamed! That's poor ethical treatment of the ladies AND I'm distracted from the point of this demonstration by the pointy nipples.
PETA! You should be ashamed! That's poor ethical treatment of the ladies AND I'm distracted from the point of this demonstration by the pointy nipples.

5) Your mother.

 She's just lonely but she's not worth the add because she'll cramp your style with the ladies.  

She'll crack you in two when she finds out.
She'll crack you in two when she finds out.

6) Your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend

Is she kidding? ... yes, she must be... ummmm, is she planning to destroy you via the internet? You can't afford to not add this person because if you don't then the gossip will fly and you'll appear as the jealous, crazy bitch. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer (and have some fun using the photos she is tagged in as a visible history of her weight gain). Ohhhhh, I'm so bad!

7) The ex co-worker that just wants in your pants.

How can he think that he has a chance with you when he was fired for bad hygiene. REALLY?

(edit: These are actual photos taken from my inbox for your viewing pleasure. The identity of the guy has been removed but all of the stupid things he wrote are golden. He wasn't fired for bad hygiene but the example still stands.)

Most people would call me saucy... I prefer "sassy".
Most people would call me saucy... I prefer "sassy".

8) The joker

No, not the guy that has a pocket full of knives and is the creator of two-face, this is the kid that makes inappropriate comments on everyone's photos and finds himself too amusing for words (despite the fact that everyone hates him for it).

9) The fake celebrity

Now, now. Are you really that naïve? HANNAH MONTANTA DOESN'T WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND but the 45 year-old man from Texas that created that profile certainly does!

As if I didn't have enough fake girls in my life!
As if I didn't have enough fake girls in my life!

10) You're room mates.

This doesn't seem like a bad idea at first because you guys know each other and are probably friends, right? wrong. Picture waking up to a wall post on the 30th saying he spent the rent money playing poker the night before and isn't able to pay his share. Having him on facebook enables him to break horrible news affecting your life without being within arms length to receive a punch. But, I guess that's when you upgrade from the "Poke" system to the "Rip your face off and staple it to my chest" application.

Jackass
Jackass

Heed my warning and you'll be fine.

 

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Comments 33 comments

ProfoundPuns profile image

ProfoundPuns 7 years ago from Maryland, USA

As your title indicates, this is truly hilarious. I have one more category to add, similar to your boyfriend's ex:

All your boyfriend's friends, cousins, and siblings, which then becomes super-awkward when you break up with your boyfriend but are still facebook friends with all his contacts...


Em Writes profile image

Em Writes 7 years ago from Upstate NY

Oh, this is absolutely fabulous! I think I'll post a link to it on my Facebook! :D


Houellebecq profile image

Houellebecq 7 years ago from Newfoundland Author

Thanks Profound Puns! You're totally right, I've had a few of those but you can't not add them just because it makes family get togethers super awkward BUT if you remove them after a break up it's like breaking up with twenty people! Ha ha. It's a tough one.

And Em, I'm glad you liked my article and I'm flattered that you'll put a link to it on your facebook.

:)


Eric Graudins profile image

Eric Graudins 7 years ago from Australia

Thanks for the heads up about Facebook. I've got an account there, but don't use it much. All those young girls pestering me just got too much. :-)

P.S. And I just had to become a fan of someone whose smile is straight out of Wallace and Grommitt :-)


Elena. profile image

Elena. 7 years ago from Madrid

Totally cool hub!  The captions to all photos deserve a thumbs up all by themselves!  Laugh!

PS: I'm gonna look you up in FB now!  Laugh!!!


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 7 years ago from South Africa

I have a facebook entry but never use it. Us oldies use sedate means lke hub pages to get to know chicks!

Only kidding great funny hub.


C. C. Riter 7 years ago

Your right lassie, 'tis funny. I too am an oldie and fear getting involved with Facebook or any others like it. Love your avatar! 'tis telling.


Denny Lyon profile image

Denny Lyon 7 years ago from Baton Rouge, Louisiana, USA

OK, I already did blog this to my Facebook account for everyone to get a good laugh. With all the old comedians dying off lately we need good ones like yourself to step up and take their place! Ever done any stand-up? Take your show on the road; people will love you!


NDBEES profile image

NDBEES 7 years ago from DEVON

Blimey! You have time to do Facebook and Hubpages. Don't you sleep? ;D


Houellebecq profile image

Houellebecq 7 years ago from Newfoundland Author

Denny Lyon, If I did stand up I would end up getting stabbed. Atleast here I can reread what I wrote and say "No, Jess, that's just too racist" or "Jess, you can't always rely on fat jokes" or better yet, "Dammit jess, capitalize your "I"s!"

NDBEES, sleep is for the weak AND you just gave me an idea for a new hub. Thanks.


NDBEES profile image

NDBEES 7 years ago from DEVON

Glad to be of assistance. I look forward to reading it once I have regained my strength after 8 hours worth of zzzzzz's.


Bruce Elkin profile image

Bruce Elkin 7 years ago from Victoria, BC Canada

Pretty funny! THanks! Keep e'm coming!


Misha profile image

Misha 7 years ago from DC Area

Hey Jess,

I used your #3 method to befriend you over there. For some reason you did not reply :( ;)


Peter Dickinson profile image

Peter Dickinson 7 years ago from South East Asia

Gosh that was really really funny. Loved it. Thank you.


Ms Chievous profile image

Ms Chievous 7 years ago from Wv

HA! How did you get pictures of my neighbors? Very funny hub Thumbs up!


rockinjoe profile image

rockinjoe 7 years ago from Standing right behind you!

I hate chicks who are funnier than me, but I have to admit you're hilarious.


LondonGirl profile image

LondonGirl 7 years ago from London

that was great!


FunFacter profile image

FunFacter 7 years ago from Canada

this is a ver interesting article, somehow it will hit so many facebook member, so lets fet it post to the facebook.

hm.. very funny and refreshing, even for some people it's hard to understand.... well maybe after read it for a couple more times they will understand


Camping Dan profile image

Camping Dan 7 years ago

Thanks for the hilarious hub!! I started on MySpace and when it was overcroweded with many of those on this very list above I moved over to Facebook. Of course now Facebook is getting crowded with those you do not want to be friends with, so now I need a new outlet.


Jawad UK 7 years ago

Oh really awesome :). I am going to put link of your page on myspace and facebook page.


ocbill profile image

ocbill 7 years ago from hopefully somewhere peaceful and nice

LOL..right on target with some of these..good job.


Houellebecq profile image

Houellebecq 7 years ago from Newfoundland Author

Thanks Jawad. Feel free to plaster my links anywhere when ever you please :)


marcofratelli profile image

marcofratelli 7 years ago from Australia

Hey Jess, I've read this a couple of times now and it just keeps getting better! I did a hub at the start of the year called "The Ultimate Guide to Picking Up Using Facebook". You've just shown everyone some ways "not to pick up using facebook"!

P.S. can I add you as a friend? :D haha


Mezo profile image

Mezo 7 years ago from Egypt

lo0ol.....that was funny :)


WHoArtNow profile image

WHoArtNow 7 years ago from Leicester, UK

I use facebook for worktime comedy, but am so glad they added the block application button, i was so annoyed with being asked if i wanted to be a vampire/warewolf,zombie etc etc

And yes, your definatly sassy, but in a good way!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

This is so funny. Geez...now I'm so afraid of being that old, creepy guy! Good stuff!


da fadder 7 years ago

good job here. it is not every day that a fresh "sassy" voice is able to view the world on a different perspective, to gather enjoyment from other peoples misery. I like it. you are a chip off the old block.


Houellebecq profile image

Houellebecq 7 years ago from Newfoundland Author

DAD! You guys must have gotten the internet since we last spoke. Looks like I'm going to have to watch what I say now. ha ha ha.


ontheway profile image

ontheway 7 years ago

Guide to Facebook Friend Requests

very good, I support you, come on , welcome to my hub!


wannabwestern profile image

wannabwestern 7 years ago from The Land of Tractors

Funny, insightful, and a bit cruel. An interesting read!


Karraline profile image

Karraline 7 years ago

a joker added me on face book, and it is so like that! but they not only joke, they are actually trying to FLIRT with you! but they're twice your age...I've since just not replied.


Karraline profile image

Karraline 7 years ago


FB Siphon 6 years ago

You have done great work really :)

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