Horrible Things That Make Me Smile

Okay, let's start off by converting myth into fact by admitting to the idea that I hate most people. It's true. I don't get along well with others, there are very few people who impress me, and I am highly synical and sarcastic. Phew, that was a load off of my shoulders (eye roll). The purpose of me saying this is to lead you into the inner darkness of my mind. My humor tends to be terrifying and when I laugh there is cause for concern because it usually means some one fell down the stairs or a child said something horrible involving explicit content. Yes, my dear readers, I am a horrible person.  So, before I have the internet idiots chasing me with torches and pitch forks, here is a few things that I can actually say brings joy to my life.  

1) Marriage proposals gone wrong and Marriage ceremony catastrophies.

 I love it, I eat it up and I shed a tear of joy when the feedback in the microphone sounds like their relationship crashing and burning in a glorious ball of suck.  

I'm pretty sure he wasn't thinking "Hey, let's embarrass myself and my unsuspecting girlfriend in front of thousands (maybe even millions, fingers crossed) of viewers. No, I'm dead positive this man was thinking "How can I make Jessica's day a little brighter?". Good job, sir, I smiled from ear to ear as if I was the one that was going to hock that huge rock you bought her at a pawn shop to buy myself xbox games.

I've also included in this category marriage ceremony castastrophies. Well I know that with in the next few years I may be married myself, I love watching horrible videos like this one:

That guy must hate his life now, that video is alllllllllllllllllll over the internet.  

2) Stupid Drunk Antics (that are not my own).

 Yes, we've all been prone to the odd night where you down a bottle of scotch and beat the ever-loving shit out of your good friend, Grant, for being a ginger (Oh which I'm very sorry and I apologize but it's probably going to happen again). Well, when I'm not the one doing something awful because Johnny Walker dared me, I rather enjoy the horrible antics of other messy alcoholics (even more so if it ends in injury).  

Did you watch that and then cringe at the end when he face plants? I didn't. Do you know why? Because I relish these moments, they add a silver lining to every cloud that thus far has rained on my parade.

3) Pedo-Baiting.

DON'T HATE ME FOR THIS but this has become a rather prevalent hobby between me and a few close friends that have like minds. Seriously read that entire page and look at some of the posted links. While I have already admitted that I'm a horrible person I can still tell what is right from wrong. Child molesters are wrong, there is no question about it and you'll all agree, so I feel that ruining their lives or at least making it harder is not only an entertaining activity but also a necessary service on the internet.

On frequent occassion, people of the internet, usually of the 4chan.org variety, enter chatrooms pretending to be thirteen years-old (loli's) in order to ruin the lives of those that attempt to come on to, be inappropriate with, or generally shatter the innocence of our fake pre-teen self. The trick is to never come on to them or make it seem like you're attempting to get them to have a lewd conversation with you (entrapment is no fun) but in all reality, you don't really have to do/say anything except sign in because THEY WILL FIND YOU ON THEIR OWN. Once they begin there reign of terror on your innocent child-like soul and they say something incriminating (which usually occurs very shortly after saying hello) you post this:

"The Federal Bureau of Investigation has logged a record of this chat along with the IP addresses of the participants due to potential violations of U.S. law. Reference no. 2334453436. Your IP address has been entered into our suspect database and may be sent to Child Protective Services. Please wait while memory ref. code 90637895 is entered into the database."

-Quoted from "http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Pedo_Baiting"

 

If the excrement isn't already running down their pedophile legs then perhaps you need to further the idea. One time a man claimed that he didn't believe me until I asked him by his full name to please comply and not resist otherwise further charges would be laid. He then freaked out, thinking it was true and pleaded for forgiveness before disappearing offline. Well, darling, if you're reading this then I just want to let you know that your full name is posted in your profile and you're a moron.

1 pervert down, 100,000,000 more to go!
1 pervert down, 100,000,000 more to go!

4) Emo kids.

 

You guys tickle me in ways deemed impossible once by scientists. Your messed up appearance and attitude only made worse by the fact that your parents probably give you everything and you aren't aware of what true sadness is makes it so much more enjoyable when I find images like these:  

Knowing that you hate your little life just as much as your parents hate having to pay for your disgusting hair cuts and unflattering clothing makes my day actually run a lot smoother. The only thing you kids did right (aside from mass suicide) was bringing back skinny jeans because my ass looks awesome in them (and p.s Audrey Hepburn did it first so you don't deserve that much credit).

5) My room mate's rampant alcoholism

 Yes, Kris, you get two nods in two consecutive articles. You know why? Because both times, while I'm in the zone and writing furiously you screamed "Baby ducks" randomly, produced a beer from your purse that you claimed to have stolen from your friend's house an hour ago, told random stories unprovoked that have no ending, and claiming that you are drunk on a Thursday night for the soul purpose of pointing out that I was not AND that all occurred while I was writing this paragraph.  

BABY DUCKS!
BABY DUCKS!

...apparently she found another beer and screamed that "we" should not be capitalized despite the fact that it is the first word in a sentence claiming "IT DOESN'T REFER TO GODDDDDDDDD!" all while I was scouring my computer for embarrassing photos of her. Kudos, drunk scholar of words, kudos.

6) Celebrity Morgue

Because no matter how many movies you are in, how many charities you attend, or foreign children you adopt, your kidneys end up in the same kind of bag mine will. Look! We both have the same y-shaped incision, fashion faux-pas! Pick a celeb, I dare you! 

7) When skanky girls make asses of themselves.

As some of you may know, I manage a small Gentleman's club and every now and then a outrageously drunk girl heaves herself onto the stage to do the most embarrassing thing she could possibly ever do that will be the talk of the office for weeks. I hate you girls. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. Your crappy, fruity drink choices bother me. Your insatiable need for syrupy crap like sour puss bothers me. They way you wear questionable shirts with no bras despite your saggy lack luster breasts bothers me (go to sears and buy a strapless, you look like you're poor). Despite all of that, do you know why you made it onto my list? Because every now and then, when the moon is full and I am having a rather shitty night, god parts the clouds, shines some light on my bleak existence and makes one of you titheads fall and seriously injury yourself.

I'm not particularly religious but moments like these make me want to believe in a greater being that is looking out for me.  

8) shoop da whoop phenomenon that has ruined everything on the internet.

 Shoop da whoop is a ridiculous thing my room mate found on 4chan.org that takes absolutely everything under the sun, pastes a retarded face on it, and it shoots lasers from it's mouth. I'm not kidding. It's lame and I'm ashamed to admit it but "IMMA FIRIN MAH LAZORRRR" has made it into my everyday speech patterns.  

9) BLOODNINJA

 

There is this random internet user that has always appealed to my personal humor. He posts conversations and screen shots of failed attempts for "cyber sex" but they only fail because he is absolutely hilarious and unforgiving. You can read all of his amazing work here. I would explain more but I fear that it would become not appropriate for users reading this at work.

10) Photoshop Phriday

 

No, I didn't misspell that but thanks for pointing it out eight billion times. pffft. Photoshop Phriday is an event that occurs on the something awful forums where users of the site photoshop photos on the internet according to that weeks theme posted by moderators. This doesn't seem like a horrible thing until you actually view all of the posts and find that it pokes fun at anything and everything you have ever heard of. Mine favorites usually involve dinosaurs... I'm not sure why.

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Comments 27 comments

SpikeTheLobster profile image

SpikeTheLobster 7 years ago from South Coast, UK

Superb. I especially liked the wedding video. And the emo kids - my favourite thing to do is to remind them that we Goths already did the whole emo thing to death about twenty years ago. That has them looking for new razor blades every time. Thank you for brightening my day!!


rockinjoe profile image

rockinjoe 7 years ago from Standing right behind you!

Let me guess, you run a day care center or work in home for the elderly, maybe?


Bruce Elkin profile image

Bruce Elkin 7 years ago from Victoria, BC Canada

Oh, my, what a shocking compendium of strange and bizzarre occurences. And who is that strange looking man in the comment above mine. I think I've fallen into a rabbit hole. Where am I? Ah, oK, I see. It's NFLD! Now it makes sense! Cheers! Enjoyed the hub!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

Whacky, weird and fun. Loved it :)


goldentoad profile image

goldentoad 7 years ago from Free and running....

Your running commentary is priceless.


St.James profile image

St.James 7 years ago from Lurking Around Florida

I would like to add the obnoxious cat/dog blogs (websites). Where the animal writes in poor spelling and sentence structure. Personally I would rather have a cathidure the size of a garden hose than read another one of those.

the creators of said blog/websites are a good reason to bring back crucifixion.

oh yeah...I really liked this hub.

thanks for posting it.


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States

As a cultural voyeur, I can only say thank you, thank you, ha.


Cris A profile image

Cris A 7 years ago from Manila, Philippines

You're wicked, twisted and fun in a perverted sort of way! I like your style! :D (i think emoticons don't make you smile - that's why it's here!)


JamHan profile image

JamHan 7 years ago from Dixieland

This is really funny! I really like the wedding video, too! And I get far too much pleasure watching "Weddings from Hell" Thanks for the morning laugh. ~JamHan


sabrebIade profile image

sabrebIade 7 years ago from Pennsylvania

I had never heard of Bloodninja. I went to the site and it was great!

I like the Hub here, but thank you so much for that link!


Rainbow Brite 7 years ago

Fabulous! Love it! Especially the pedobaiting part wtf y didn't I come up with that? I just lost sadistic points right there....but it would be even better if you could like actually get the cops at the freak's door....ideas?


imadork profile image

imadork 7 years ago from St. Peters, MO

I too take great pleasure in watching morons in painful and/or embarrassing moments. It warms my heart to see idiots writhing in pain after they try some stupid-ass stunt on their skateboard or getting trampled and gored by a bull they tried riding.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

Very funny, and so scholarly and informative!


indy cindy profile image

indy cindy 7 years ago from Indianapolis, Indiana

What an ecletic collection of links. The wedding video is marvelous.


ripplemaker profile image

ripplemaker 7 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

Congratulations!  This hub is part of this week's hubnuggets!  Join the fun and vote now.  Invite as many people as you like to vote too!  Go, go, go! :)

http://hubpages.com/community/hubnuggets-jan23-200

 


Misha profile image

Misha 7 years ago from DC Area

What is the difference between pedophile and pedagogue?

.

.

.

Pedophil loves children :)


Teresa McGurk profile image

Teresa McGurk 7 years ago from The Other Bangor

Love your sense of humor. Priceless hub -- thanks for cracking me up. . .


Jerry G2 profile image

Jerry G2 7 years ago from Cedar Rapids, IA

Glad I'm not the only terrible person in the world. I found this hub hilarious, and laughed loudly enough when the bride and pastor were pushed in the pool that I was asked to leave the library. Bummer, but worth it. Great hub!


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 7 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

Remind me never, ever to visit Newfoundland. Or do anything remotely stupid within 100 feet of your wicked tongue! Loved this and look forward to more. MM


ajcor profile image

ajcor 7 years ago from NSW. Australia

good stuff...really like your humour..more..thanks


Bob Ewing profile image

Bob Ewing 7 years ago from New Brunswick

Thanks for the laughs.


Tom Cornett profile image

Tom Cornett 7 years ago from Ohio

This was so cool.....LOLOLOL! Thanks! :)


Ralph Braddock profile image

Ralph Braddock 7 years ago

Whenever somebody used to hurt themselves in class you could hear a room full of gasps and concern harrowed by the sound of me laughing and possibly falling out of my chair. It's nice to hear from somebody who would have done the same. The Bloodninja conversations are hysterical and Shoop da woop isn't lame, haha. Thanks.


Jarn profile image

Jarn 7 years ago from Sebastian, Fl

I've always enjoyed looking through the obituaries for the occaisional gem, anything involving someone dying in the most horrible and funny manner possible. One of these days I'm going to find one of a guy who jumped off a building while wearing a custom-made clown suit filled with candy. If not, then it'll be me you read about in the paper. Just imagine people walking by on their way to work shaking their heads.

"What a shame- Oh, hey! Snickers!"

I liked the video of the bride falling off the cliff, unfortunately the water broke their fall.


Karraline profile image

Karraline 7 years ago

wow I don't know which one was my favorite. they're all so good!


hbdavid1 profile image

hbdavid1 6 years ago

totally rate you lol


azure_sky profile image

azure_sky 5 years ago from Somewhere on the Beach, if I am lucky :)

Great hub! You had me laughing my butt off while reading your bio!!! I'll follow you!! Lmao

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