Horrible Things That Make Me Smile
Okay, let's start off by converting myth into fact by admitting to the idea that I hate most people. It's true. I don't get along well with others, there are very few people who impress me, and I am highly synical and sarcastic. Phew, that was a load off of my shoulders (eye roll). The purpose of me saying this is to lead you into the inner darkness of my mind. My humor tends to be terrifying and when I laugh there is cause for concern because it usually means some one fell down the stairs or a child said something horrible involving explicit content. Yes, my dear readers, I am a horrible person. So, before I have the internet idiots chasing me with torches and pitch forks, here is a few things that I can actually say brings joy to my life.
1) Marriage proposals gone wrong and Marriage ceremony catastrophies.
I love it, I eat it up and I shed a tear of joy when the feedback in the microphone sounds like their relationship crashing and burning in a glorious ball of suck.
I'm pretty sure he wasn't thinking "Hey, let's embarrass myself and my unsuspecting girlfriend in front of thousands (maybe even millions, fingers crossed) of viewers. No, I'm dead positive this man was thinking "How can I make Jessica's day a little brighter?". Good job, sir, I smiled from ear to ear as if I was the one that was going to hock that huge rock you bought her at a pawn shop to buy myself xbox games.
I've also included in this category marriage ceremony castastrophies. Well I know that with in the next few years I may be married myself, I love watching horrible videos like this one:
That guy must hate his life now, that video is alllllllllllllllllll over the internet.
2) Stupid Drunk Antics (that are not my own).
Yes, we've all been prone to the odd night where you down a bottle of scotch and beat the ever-loving shit out of your good friend, Grant, for being a ginger (Oh which I'm very sorry and I apologize but it's probably going to happen again). Well, when I'm not the one doing something awful because Johnny Walker dared me, I rather enjoy the horrible antics of other messy alcoholics (even more so if it ends in injury).
Did you watch that and then cringe at the end when he face plants? I didn't. Do you know why? Because I relish these moments, they add a silver lining to every cloud that thus far has rained on my parade.
DON'T HATE ME FOR THIS but this has become a rather prevalent hobby between me and a few close friends that have like minds. Seriously read that entire page and look at some of the posted links. While I have already admitted that I'm a horrible person I can still tell what is right from wrong. Child molesters are wrong, there is no question about it and you'll all agree, so I feel that ruining their lives or at least making it harder is not only an entertaining activity but also a necessary service on the internet.
On frequent occassion, people of the internet, usually of the 4chan.org variety, enter chatrooms pretending to be thirteen years-old (loli's) in order to ruin the lives of those that attempt to come on to, be inappropriate with, or generally shatter the innocence of our fake pre-teen self. The trick is to never come on to them or make it seem like you're attempting to get them to have a lewd conversation with you (entrapment is no fun) but in all reality, you don't really have to do/say anything except sign in because THEY WILL FIND YOU ON THEIR OWN. Once they begin there reign of terror on your innocent child-like soul and they say something incriminating (which usually occurs very shortly after saying hello) you post this:
"The Federal Bureau of Investigation has logged a record of this chat along with the IP addresses of the participants due to potential violations of U.S. law. Reference no. 2334453436. Your IP address has been entered into our suspect database and may be sent to Child Protective Services. Please wait while memory ref. code 90637895 is entered into the database."
-Quoted from "http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Pedo_Baiting"
If the excrement isn't already running down their pedophile legs then perhaps you need to further the idea. One time a man claimed that he didn't believe me until I asked him by his full name to please comply and not resist otherwise further charges would be laid. He then freaked out, thinking it was true and pleaded for forgiveness before disappearing offline. Well, darling, if you're reading this then I just want to let you know that your full name is posted in your profile and you're a moron.
4) Emo kids.
You guys tickle me in ways deemed impossible once by scientists. Your messed up appearance and attitude only made worse by the fact that your parents probably give you everything and you aren't aware of what true sadness is makes it so much more enjoyable when I find images like these:
Knowing that you hate your little life just as much as your parents hate having to pay for your disgusting hair cuts and unflattering clothing makes my day actually run a lot smoother. The only thing you kids did right (aside from mass suicide) was bringing back skinny jeans because my ass looks awesome in them (and p.s Audrey Hepburn did it first so you don't deserve that much credit).
5) My room mate's rampant alcoholism
Yes, Kris, you get two nods in two consecutive articles. You know why? Because both times, while I'm in the zone and writing furiously you screamed "Baby ducks" randomly, produced a beer from your purse that you claimed to have stolen from your friend's house an hour ago, told random stories unprovoked that have no ending, and claiming that you are drunk on a Thursday night for the soul purpose of pointing out that I was not AND that all occurred while I was writing this paragraph.
...apparently she found another beer and screamed that "we" should not be capitalized despite the fact that it is the first word in a sentence claiming "IT DOESN'T REFER TO GODDDDDDDDD!" all while I was scouring my computer for embarrassing photos of her. Kudos, drunk scholar of words, kudos.
6) Celebrity Morgue
Because no matter how many movies you are in, how many charities you attend, or foreign children you adopt, your kidneys end up in the same kind of bag mine will. Look! We both have the same y-shaped incision, fashion faux-pas! Pick a celeb, I dare you!
7) When skanky girls make asses of themselves.
As some of you may know, I manage a small Gentleman's club and every now and then a outrageously drunk girl heaves herself onto the stage to do the most embarrassing thing she could possibly ever do that will be the talk of the office for weeks. I hate you girls. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. Your crappy, fruity drink choices bother me. Your insatiable need for syrupy crap like sour puss bothers me. They way you wear questionable shirts with no bras despite your saggy lack luster breasts bothers me (go to sears and buy a strapless, you look like you're poor). Despite all of that, do you know why you made it onto my list? Because every now and then, when the moon is full and I am having a rather shitty night, god parts the clouds, shines some light on my bleak existence and makes one of you titheads fall and seriously injury yourself.
I'm not particularly religious but moments like these make me want to believe in a greater being that is looking out for me.
8) shoop da whoop phenomenon that has ruined everything on the internet.
Shoop da whoop is a ridiculous thing my room mate found on 4chan.org that takes absolutely everything under the sun, pastes a retarded face on it, and it shoots lasers from it's mouth. I'm not kidding. It's lame and I'm ashamed to admit it but "IMMA FIRIN MAH LAZORRRR" has made it into my everyday speech patterns.
There is this random internet user that has always appealed to my personal humor. He posts conversations and screen shots of failed attempts for "cyber sex" but they only fail because he is absolutely hilarious and unforgiving. You can read all of his amazing work here. I would explain more but I fear that it would become not appropriate for users reading this at work.
10) Photoshop Phriday
No, I didn't misspell that but thanks for pointing it out eight billion times. pffft. Photoshop Phriday is an event that occurs on the something awful forums where users of the site photoshop photos on the internet according to that weeks theme posted by moderators. This doesn't seem like a horrible thing until you actually view all of the posts and find that it pokes fun at anything and everything you have ever heard of. Mine favorites usually involve dinosaurs... I'm not sure why.
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