How I Saved the United States: Politics 101
I had a dream about how I saved America from its economic and political crisis. I entered the 2008 elections very late, but I won because I was taller, younger, and smarter than John McCain and Obama.
From left to right at the Oval Office: Silvio Berlusconi, I, and Rupert Murdoch -- you can see how close we are. Murdoch even gives me five.
The first thing I did as the new President of the United States was to devise a sophisticated scheme. Part one of my plan started with the invitation of the most influential media tycoons (among them Fox News boss Rupert Murdoch, and the chief of all Italian media Silvio Berlusconi). They liked me and agreed to help out. I asked the media tycoons to broadcast on all their stations for 5 days that Iraq is finally a stable region, that the people of Iraq held a referendum, and that Iraqis decided to join the United States as a U.S. territory.
My plan started working. I ordered all American troops out of Iraq and the whole world learned about Iraq becoming a U.S. territory.
French President Nicolas Sarkozy and I --you can see how happy he is to have me
While our troops were finally heading home, I went to France, where I met the President of France, Sarkozi. I quickly befriended him—again because of my height, youth, and wit. I told Sarkozi that I came to offer the deal of a lifetime of any President of France: The people of the United States, because in financial distress, are willing to sell their newly acquired territory, Iraq, in a way below market price. I told Sarkozi, “You know, my friend, I could offer the British to buy this precious land full of proven oil wells. But because of my French grandmother who fed me with curly French fries—I feel a special bond between me and France, so I’m willing to sell Iraq to your countryman.” Sarkozi was very happy, and quickly got the approval of the French Parliament for a wire transfer of $1 trillion. I got the money, and the French thought they got Iraq.
Gordon Brown left and I on the right--he didn't stop asking me how fast we could make the transfer
Then I quickly headed to U.K. before anyone in France suspected my plans. I had to act fast with the Brits too. I met Gordon Brown and he, of course, liked me. Then again, I used my proven tactic. A minor difference was that this time I metioned my British grandmother's fresh London Fish and Chips. The Brits, though, paid for Iraq much more: $2.3 trillion.
Putin and I--no comment
I figured, “Well, I made $3.3 trillion for my country, and that’s almost a third the current combined public and government debt of the United States—which is roughly a little more than $9 trillion. My scheme was working. Now I had to hurry up and deal with the Russians.
I skipped the new Russian president, Dmitry Medvedev, and went to see the man--Putin. My new friend Putin was very nice to me, and as soon as I showed him the cash in my new government account, he was ready to sell. In less than two hours, all the Russian oil giants were owned by the U.S government—Gasprom, Sibneft, you name it. I got a great deal—$1 trillion.
Meanwhile Vice President, Shwarzenegger, called to congratulated me for my extraordinary success. He said that maybe I should go back, and that this was enough to make me one of the best presidents ever. But I told Shwarzi—that’s how I called him, Shwarzi—that I had time to implement my original plan.
So, I went to Brussels and asked for an emergency closed meeting of the EU parliament. I showed the new EU leaders proof that the United States owned all the Russian oil they are so dependent upon. I offered them a stake in the oil companies in exchange of $11 trillion wire transfer to U.S. treasury. Guess what? They wired us the money right away—and asked for the stake. Imagine their surprise when, on my signal, an army of servers entered the hall bringing the best American steaks they ever ate. The EU leaders were so hungry that they quickly forgot how I tricked them into wiring the U.S. treasury $11 trillion in exchange for a nice steak dinner.
Now, I had initially made $3.3 trillion, and spent $1 trillion for the Russian oil. And I got $11 trillion from the EU. The total I made for the people of the United States was $13.3 trillion. And that's when I woke up.
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