How I Saved the United States: Politics 101

I had a dream about how I saved America from its economic and political crisis. I entered the 2008 elections very late, but I won because I was taller, younger, and smarter than John McCain and Obama.

From left to right at the Oval Office: Silvio Berlusconi, I, and Rupert Murdoch -- you can see how close we are. Murdoch even gives me five.

Murdoch gives me five just after I joked about Berlusconi's inappropriate red suit.
Murdoch gives me five just after I joked about Berlusconi's inappropriate red suit.

The first thing I did as the new President of the United States was to devise a sophisticated scheme. Part one of my plan started with the invitation of the most influential media tycoons (among them Fox News boss Rupert Murdoch, and the chief of all Italian media Silvio Berlusconi). They liked me and agreed to help out. I asked the media tycoons to broadcast on all their stations for 5 days that Iraq is finally a stable region, that the people of Iraq held a referendum, and that Iraqis decided to join the United States as a U.S. territory.

My plan started working. I ordered all American troops out of Iraq and the whole world learned about Iraq becoming a U.S. territory.

French President Nicolas Sarkozy and I --you can see how happy he is to have me

While our troops were finally heading home, I went to France, where I met the President of France, Sarkozi. I quickly befriended him—again because of my height, youth, and wit. I told Sarkozi that I came to offer the deal of a lifetime of any President of France: The people of the United States, because in financial distress, are willing to sell their newly acquired territory, Iraq, in a way below market price. I told Sarkozi, “You know, my friend, I could offer the British to buy this precious land full of proven oil wells. But because of my French grandmother who fed me with curly French fries—I feel a special bond between me and France, so I’m willing to sell Iraq to your countryman.” Sarkozi was very happy, and quickly got the approval of the French Parliament for a wire transfer of $1 trillion. I got the money, and the French thought they got Iraq.

Gordon Brown left and I on the right--he didn't stop asking me how fast we could make the transfer

Then I quickly headed to U.K. before anyone in France suspected my plans. I had to act fast with the Brits too. I met Gordon Brown and he, of course, liked me. Then again, I used my proven tactic. A minor difference was that this time I metioned my British grandmother's fresh London Fish and Chips. The Brits, though, paid for Iraq much more: $2.3 trillion.

Putin and I--no comment

I figured, “Well, I made $3.3 trillion for my country, and that’s almost a third the current combined public and government debt of the United States—which is roughly a little more than $9 trillion. My scheme was working. Now I had to hurry up and deal with the Russians.

I skipped the new Russian president, Dmitry Medvedev, and went to see the man--Putin. My new friend Putin was very nice to me, and as soon as I showed him the cash in my new government account, he was ready to sell. In less than two hours, all the Russian oil giants were owned by the U.S government—Gasprom, Sibneft, you name it. I got a great deal—$1 trillion.

Meanwhile Vice President, Shwarzenegger, called to congratulated me for my extraordinary success. He said that maybe I should go back, and that this was enough to make me one of the best presidents ever. But I told Shwarzi—that’s how I called him, Shwarzi—that I had time to implement my original plan.

So, I went to Brussels and asked for an emergency closed meeting of the EU parliament. I showed the new EU leaders proof that the United States owned all the Russian oil they are so dependent upon. I offered them a stake in the oil companies in exchange of $11 trillion wire transfer to U.S. treasury. Guess what? They wired us the money right away—and asked for the stake. Imagine their surprise when, on my signal, an army of servers entered the hall bringing the best American steaks they ever ate. The EU leaders were so hungry that they quickly forgot how I tricked them into wiring the U.S. treasury $11 trillion in exchange for a nice steak dinner.

Now, I had initially made $3.3 trillion, and spent $1 trillion for the Russian oil. And I got $11 trillion from the EU. The total I made for the people of the United States was $13.3 trillion. And that's when I woke up.

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Comments 22 comments

dutch84 profile image

dutch84 8 years ago

Thanks for the patriotism (that occured in your dreams) shows that your heart is in the right place...even though you lied to save the world. kind of spelled Obama's name wrong in your opening sentence.

robie2 profile image

robie2 8 years ago from Central New Jersey

What a dream-- you must have learned your negotiating tactics on Wall Street LOL or from the Mafia ROTFL-- Being tall young and witty really paid off for you eh?:-)

rainmakerrain profile image

rainmakerrain 8 years ago from United States Author

Dutch84. Thanks and I corrected it. I was in a hurry to post it before I forgot my dream and probably misspelled a number of words.

solarshingles profile image

solarshingles 8 years ago from london

I truly liked your Dream hub! Sometimes we need to dream about positive and nice events to feel better. A very nice idea, indeed.

moonlake profile image

moonlake 8 years ago from America

What a good dream.............I always have nightmares.

In The Doghouse profile image

In The Doghouse 8 years ago from California


So funny, I am still cracking up...Yep, tall, young, smart and handsome... you are in hands down! Not to mention all your connections... with pictures to prove it! Funny!

New Day profile image

New Day 8 years ago from Western United States

So, what can we do to make the dream a reality? This was very funny and entertaining.

Tom Koecke profile image

Tom Koecke 8 years ago from Tacoma, Washington

Now I have to reconsider writing in Ron Paul!

lisatener profile image

lisatener 8 years ago from Rhode Island

You have my vote. Was this a real dream? If so, how do you get such funny dreams? Do you request them from your unconscious? Are they always this funny? Who delivers the photos?

John 8 years ago

Very well written, I enjoyed reading this article.

rainmakerrain profile image

rainmakerrain 8 years ago from United States Author

Lisa, part of it is based on a dream, but of course most of it isn’t because not every experience while asleep is entertaining and complete. But I do have fantasy dreams like this one often. I can’t control the exact dream experiences, but I found that if you think about a particular subject just before you fall asleep, there’s a big chance to have a dream related to that subject.

I heard somewhere that there was a tribe that believed dreams were another reality we lived in so we had to learn to succeed in that reality in addition to our normal lives. It would be nice if it were true because we spend a third of our lives sleeping.

I created the first illustration from scratch. The others are combinations of at least three photos from the web. For example, the second illustration has as background a picture of the Oval Office. Berlusconi’s body is extracted from a photo, but I had to change the color of his suit to fit the captions. In reality he’s one of the most stylish politicians. Just look at my body at the same picture—its main part is Berlusconi’s real elegant suit. Murdoch is made of three different parts, one of which is a hand I took from a different picture to appear as if he gives me five.

Agro Donkey 8 years ago from Ohio

Very good hub. I would vote for you as long as you made us rich. Then again you are probably lying to us like all the other politicians, lol. I hope to see more from you in the future and good luck in all that you do.

GoogleCashMoney profile image

GoogleCashMoney 8 years ago from Mumbai, India

What a dream!

Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

Hilarious. Awesome powers of tallness and youngness at work. I laughed.

CJStone profile image

CJStone 8 years ago from Whitstable, UK

If only all politicians were as tall, young and witty! You made me laugh out loud.

lifedancer profile image

lifedancer 8 years ago from California

Funny, funny,funny. I don't think you can have Govenor Arnold as V.P. To be Pres. one has to be born in the U.S. A. or an army base of ours. Since the V.P. is a " heart beat away", assume he has to be native born, too.

rainmakerrain profile image

rainmakerrain 8 years ago from United States Author

Lifedancer: -anything's possible, especially for an achiever like Ahnold;-)

Patnet profile image

Patnet 8 years ago from San Diego Area

If you can dream it-you can live it!

Blackbird profile image

Blackbird 8 years ago from San Diego, California

Thats hilarious, thanks for sharing!

Especially the photoshopped pictures - very realistic ;)

Eric Graudins profile image

Eric Graudins 8 years ago from Australia

When you've finished fixing America, can you please come down to Australia?

rainmakerrain profile image

rainmakerrain 8 years ago from United States Author

Really, I though Australia is doing good economically, or at least that's the impression from the newspapers.

MaxReviews profile image

MaxReviews 8 years ago from Torrance, CA

This is cool. I like how you pretty much blogged your dream unto a hub! Gotta do this kind of stuff more often... =)

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